Sticky situation. I need some advice (1 Viewer)

[Eve T]

The problem isn't us not being intimate. The problem is that he won't go to the doctor for a problem that he has. I need not get into what that problem is in detail but let's just say he ends up having a good time in record time and I end up sitting there is utter frustration.

I am no doctor so I can only try things with the limited knowledge that I have, when that doesn't work (and it hasn't) it's time for him to see a doc.

Sadly this hasn't happened and it's always some lame excuse as to why not. Well I know why not, because he's still having a good time. My time doesn't seem to be important.

I know sex isn't everything in a relationship, but it's a big part of it...

 

[Carl Miller]

Based only on what you said I just can't see any of this being in your best interest. Morality and all that stuff aside, the situation seems like a lose-lose situation for you.

This guy, even if he wants to get involved with you and even if he left his wife to be with you would only eventually do to you what he's doing to his wife right now. You'd just get hurt in the end.

You'd lose your friendship with his wife if she found out, and your marriage would probably be wrecked. Even if your marriage is bad and unworkable, this would make it worse and make a split (if that's where your marriage is heading) even more difficult than it would normally be.

I have no experience with this stuff and have been happily married for 15 years. But my wife and I have watched the marriages of half our friends go down the drain, a few with infidelity involved and we haven't seen that work out well for any of them.

For whatever it's worth, after 3 years of marriage problems that don't seem to be getting resolved it might be time to make changes in your life...And getting involved with your friends husband isn't likely to be a change that would beneficial for you in the long term.

Forget about everybody else and do what is going to be good for you and your future. Just my $.02, and I hope it doesn't offend in any way.

 

[Chris Knox]

Eve,

I sent you an email. Please let me know that you received it.


Chris

 

[Vickie_M]

Please everyone remember we have not had sex in any way shape or form, it hasn't happened yet, and I have no moral problem with it if it did happen, I just have a problem with ending up somewhere crying and wishing it never happened, or losing my friends.

If this were The Straight Dope's BBQ Pit, I'd tell you what I really think. As it is, my polite answer is that you should listen to the people here. They're giving you some good advice.

 

[Anders Englund]

Eve, I was in a similar situation a while back... Sort of... I found myself having feelings for someone, and didn't know what to do with it. My wife and I were going through a really rough time, and I felt there was no love left from her side.

There was this couple that we're spending a lot of time with that were/are going through the same thing as us, and for a while, I couldn't stop thinking about her. For months I felt that way, but I never told her. Sometimes I wonder what would have happened...

I did, however, tell my wife. She responded by handing me divorce papers, but after discussing it, we never sent them in. I also think we're in a better place now. Maybe this was needed to jolt our relationship, but it's important to have the courage to to bring it up (which isn't easy). Otherwise it'll just be agony on your part, which will go out over your husband. Keeping things hidden will never be any good.

I should mention that our situation was slightly more complicated since both couples have children. I too brought this up in After Hours, and I'd once again like to thank everyone who helped me out. Isn't this forum great?

--Anders

 

[Vickie_M]

I just thought of something. If nothing else, this thread should send dread into the hearts of men who aren't satistying their wives (and who care about such things).

Eve's husband is obviously not satisfying her, and, I suppose, neither is her vibrator, so her lust is bubbling to the surface, to the extent that she's attracted to a low-life who, with his wife, would probably be very at home on Jerry Sprinker. Ugh.

You should talk to your man Eve. If he cares, he'll do whatever it takes to get you happy again. If he doesn't, you might as well leave him because he's not worth keeping around.

All hetro men should 1) learn oral sex and 2) learn the difference between a fake and a real orgasm. I was in a marriage once where I faked orgasm all the time because I didn't want to hurt my husband's feelings. My current husband would KNOW, without the slightest doubt, if I tried to fake it, and that would hurt his feelings terribly.

Look to Eve's posts, then look to your wife and your sexual relationship, and wonder if SHE'S posting on some Internet message board.

 

[Michael Pineo]

Everyone here has given great advice and I am once again amazed at how incredible the membership is here. I'll give you my feelings on the matter.

Personally, I feel cheating is wrong and there is never a reason to justify it. Now, before everyone assumes I am a prude, I'll clarify that a little. I don't think there is anything wrong with extramarital sexual activity, as long as everyone involved is OK with it. Cheating, I believe, is unnecessary. If you feel it necessary to cheat on your partner, then you probably don't want to be in that relationship anyway, and might as well break it off.

There has been some great advice given here (I especially like Vickie's latest post ), but I do have to disagree with one thing. Just because you have been having problems for a long time, doesn't mean you should just throw in the towel. I don't usually post about my own personal life, but your post really struck a chord with me, so I feel it justified in this particular case. A few years ago, my wife and I went through a very rough period. I had become very distant and she was feeling very lonely like you are. The problem I had was a bit different (not sexual in nature, more about dealing with some unpleasant things from my childhood which resulted in me pretty much shutting off my emotions), but no less destructive to our relationship. I really believe we came pretty close to getting divorced, and the threat of that happening is what really opened my eyes to what I needed to do. I sought professional help and was able to come to terms with my childhood and it literally saved my marriage. I think you really need to confront your husband and get your feelings out in the open and hope that it wakes him up. I think if you really love him, you owe at least that much to yourself. If that doesn't work, then maybe it is time to move on.

On a lighter note (which I hope is OK), a former exotic dancer and a lover of home theater? I think every heterosexual man on the forum just fell in love with you

MikeP

 

[Curt_Dennis]

Well Eve...you wanted a response that says "I've been there", so here you go.
I was friends with my wife (now ex wife) for a couple years before we started dating, we dated for 2 years, and were married for 3 years. The sex was never that good, but it seemed to get worse the longer we were together, and I wasn't feeling satisfied. So I know where you are coming from with that aspect. We had good times, but it seemed we just weren't clicking like you should with your spouse. I met a woman who was also married and basically was in the position I was (or you could have substituted in exactly for her). We started off with innocent flirting, which then led to occasional touches, then to the kissing, then eventually to sneaking around to have sex. We both talked about leaving our spouses and being with eachother, but I decided to take a small trip with just myself and my best friend. I did some serious soul searching and tried to clear my head. I came up with a couple things. 1. I needed to end my marriage 2. I needed to end the fling with the married woman 3. I needed to decide what I really wanted out of life and cheating and feeling all that anxiety wasn't what it was.
So...how did it end? I did get divorced...which we both wanted. I ended the affair, which was hard, but I think she understood in the end. Relationships based strictly on lust eventually fade anyways and I didn't need to be in a relationship again so soon as well. I ended up finding a new job in another state, so I moved about 8 months after all this and have started over. I got a "fresh" slate so to speak and life has been great. It wasn't easy to do all that...but I recommend you go away for a couple days alone or with your best friend and really talk about things. Be honest and don't just say "things will get better" or "maybe I should end it"...BE HONEST WITH YOURSELF. It will be hard. Life is too short to be stuck in a relationship that you aren't 100% happy or satisfied. Sex isn't everything in a relationship...but it needs to be somewhat satisfying for you at least.
I'd be willing to talk with you and help you in any way I can. I've been there...done that and if I can help someone else keep from making some potentially bad decisions, I will.

 

[Vickie_M]

this thread should send dread into the hearts of men who aren't satistying their wives

Ok, based on a Private Message I received from someone who thinks I hate men (which would almost certainly surprise my dad, brother, husband and son), let me say...

This thread should ALSO send dread into the hearts of women who aren't satistying their husbands.

And just to CMA,

This thread should ALSO send dread into the hearts of lesbians who aren't satistying their wives, and homosexual men who aren't satisfying their husbands.

And, women, homosexual men and lesbians also need to learn how to give oral sex and spot fake orgasms (though it's a LOT harder for men to fake orgasm).

Look to Eve's posts, then look to your wife/husband and your sexual relationship, and wonder if SHE'S/HE'S posting on some Internet message board.

Once more, with feeling. :rolleyes

 

[Michael Pineo]

Ok, based on a Private Message I received from someone who thinks I hate men

Vickie -

I knew someone was going to jump on you for that post Oh well. You can't please all the people all the time.

 

[Holadem]

So I guess my advice is: Break up, get single, take some time to yourself and find a nice available guy (or a few) to get to know and spend time with.

That's it, Rain said it best.

My position comes from what is in your best interest, not any moral principle: No good can possibly come from screwing with this guy. Some good might come from trying again with hubby, but that's a looooong shot. So the above quote is the most sensible option. If you really must, fuck him (the cop), THEN get out of both relationships. But you must REALLY get out.

--
Holadem

 

[LDfan]

Eve,

You've got mail!

Jeff

 

[Terry Hansen]

I, for one, support you Eve. You are dealing with emotions that many of us here have felt and have had to deal with. I think you are an intelligent person and therefore I'm quite certain that you know the risks and possible repercussions of your actions. I've been there and may have not made the best decisions, but at the time it was what I wanted to do.

When it comes down to it I hope you'll do what's best for you. Best of luck.

 

[Jeff Ulmer]

Been there, done that. If you stay the course, you will get hurt, your husband will get hurt, the other wife will get hurt, and nobody will be happy. You will cause irreparable damage to your relationships all around. Nothing good will come of this.

The fact that he is groping you under a table in the presence of your husband and his wife, that he is kissing you when they are in the other room, is a clear indicator that he respects nobody in the situation save himself.

I completely agree with this. This guy is a loser. He knows you are vulnerable and is playing with you. This has nothing to do with him having any emotional attachment to you, he is out for kicks. I know, I've been that guy. Fortunately, I also learned some hard lessons as a result.

I disagree with those saying to end your relationship. You've been together 6 years, and if you just bail, you are setting yourself up to fall into the same thing over again. All relationships lose their lustre after a while. People become unappreciative. It's normal.

What you do is completely in your hands, you can either accept failure, or you can work harder to reinvigorate your relationship. Talking to your spouse is the first step. Some guys need to be hit with a big stick before the severity of their lack of appreciation/consideration sinks in. You may need to go so far as to tell him about the other guy. Running around behind his back isn't doing you or anyone else any good. You may feel good for a while, but when it all comes crashing down you'll have no one to blame but yourself. Step back, ditch the cop, and try to work it out with your partner. You don't want to be looking back saying you should have tried harder. You will regret it.

 

[Mark Schermerhorn]

Eve: you contradicted yourself when talking about the problem with your husband. In one case you said he has a physical problem leaving you unsatisfied sexually. In the other case, you said you feel completely alone even when you're together. These are very different things. Which one is it? I'd guess it's both, by the way you write.

You might want to try counceling, but really, your relationship is dead, by the looks of how you write. The "I feel completely alone when I'm with him" comment says it all. Relationships rarely recover when that's where you stand. You need to have some very serious, honest talks with your husband very soon about where you both stand, and decide whether your relationship can survive. It's certainly possible, I don't know you and your husband. But it doesn't sound good.

Please have this talk as soon as you can. If you don't do it, you're going to go through the rest of your life in the same situation, dealing with less than wonderful men like your friend while at the same time trying to deal with a loveless marraige. No one here wants to see that. Ever.

 

[Joe Szott]

Eve,

I didn't read every single post here, but I read your first few and have some ideas. I'm gonna get flamed for this one...

First off, your needs as a human and a woman are not being met, so that is clouding your judgement. How can you figure out if you like this guy or not when your need for sex is just in overdrive? What I'm saying is get that out of the way first and then see how you feel. Go out and get stuchped in some way that does it for you. Not neccessarily a full blown affair, but choose a nice guy in a bar and get your needs taken care of. Or hire an escort, whatever it takes. Everyone needs to have sex or feel wanted, if your husband refuses to do it he has to expect you to seek it elsewhere. You are only human.

Personally, this male 'friend' seems like an a$$hole and a tool to me, he is moving in for the kill on his friend's wife because he smells weakness. The fact that he is a cop doesn't do much for me either, as most cops I know either: care for the duty and believe in it despite the crappy pay/conditions, or get into law enforcement because of some kind of power insecurity issue. This piece of work sounds like the latter. I would tell him that your relationship as friends (all of you, not just you and him!) is more important than your/his libido, so he can keep his hands to himself. The real problem here is that for a guy like that is you have already given him a series of green lights by not shutting it down already. He will think you really want it and are playing coy now, which obviously can be bad. If he is too forward, maybe grab his nuts and squeeze real hard until he understands?

Anyway, go out and get your needs taken care of first. Manuever a situation where you or your husband are away for a night and go for it. The sacrament of marriage is based around sex (yes, I'm taking about catholic marriage. I assume you are catholic by the amount of guilt you obviously feel just thinking about sex.) If a husband will not or can not perform sexually for his wife, the marriage is not binding. I think if you can get it out of the way, you'll be able to asses the situation with a clear head.

Flame on!

 

[Terry Hansen]

Eve: you contradicted yourself when talking about the problem with your husband. In one case you said he has a physical problem leaving you unsatisfied sexually. In the other case, you said you feel completely alone even when you're together.

How did she contradict herself? Are these feelings mutually exclusive, you can have one but not the other? I'm confused.

 

[Mark Schermerhorn]

Terry: she implied that the sexual problem was the only issue, implying that a trip to the doctor, if sucessful, would make the relationship better again. That's how I read it. In all of her other writing it's apparent that there is more wrong with the relationship than that.

No, the issues aren't mutually exclusive, but there is plenty of space that doesn't overlap. There doesn't have to be anything personal or intimite about satisfying sex. Also feeling loved and close to someone involves much more than sex.

 

[Holadem]

I, for one, support you Eve

So do I, in case it wasn't clear. I hope you make the right decision.

--
Holadem

 

[TimDoss]

If you're even thinking about an affair, no matter what problems you're having, then you do not love your husband.
If the thought of the pain and humiliation it will cause him
doesn't stop you then you don't care about him. If you want
to find someone who can satisfy your needs then you need to
divorce him and go find that someone.
I found something that made a lot of sense to me that said
love is a collection of points... your needs being met each
represent a point... you communicate well with him, that's
a point, you have a good sex life, that's a point... etc.
You gather enough of these points and you feel in love with
that person, problems arise when you start losing these points
and start gaining them with someone else... you don't communicate with
your husband so well anymore, there's a lost point... you're
sex life isn't so good, there's another lost point.
Now you start feeling less in love. If you have a friend or
a co-worker, whatever, that you do talk to, that point is now
given to them... they are filling a need that your husband is
not and you start to have feelings for that other person. Regaining those
points is key... both by avoiding the person the points have
moved to and by regaining those points with your husband.
If you can't do that then it's time to get out for both of
your sakes.

And lose this cop friend. He senses that you're having problems so he's going to try to prey on that? He's a dick.