Sticky situation. I need some advice (1 Viewer)

[Ron-P]

This is of course completely illogical.

Take it from someone whose parents fought like cats and dogs...an unhappy couple staying together does no favours at all for the children. Better two stable households than one unstable one.

Not illogical at all. It may not be a healthy relationship and maybe the couple does have an unstable marriage, but Eve getting involved will only make things worse, for everyone. It's completely logical, she needs to get out.

Eve should get out and away from both parties, get some air and clear your head. No need to get involved with a married man, no matter what the status of their marriage is, who has cheated on who and if kids are involved or not.


Peace Out~

 

[Malcolm R]

I, for one, support you Eve

In the end, I think we all support Eve. There's just a difference of opinion on how she should handle the situation.

I agree with those who suggest to break it off with this couple immediately. Get the lech out of your life, avoid possibly having this psycho woman stalking you if you don't. I find it laughable that this woman has cheated on her husband "multiple times," yet she goes totally psycho-bitch when he does the same. Talk about your double standards. Definitely a friend you don't need.

Then give your husband an ultimatum. Tell him how unhappy you are. Tell him why. Tell him what he needs to do to make it better. Tell him if he doesn't, you're going to have to do what's best for you which is likely to walk out the door.

If you lay all the cards on the table, making full disclosure of your issues, and he chooses to do nothing, then it'll be apparent how little he really cares about you and you should not, in any way, feel bad about leaving. He's not fulfilling your needs, he apparently has no desire to seek help so he can fulfill your needs, drop him and find someone who is willing to do so.

 

[Jack Fanning]

So I guess my advice is: Break up, get single, take some time to yourself and find a nice available guy (or a few) to get to know and spend time with.

Eve,
This is terrible advice, please don't take it....You've stated that you still love your husband and that he still loves you. The easiest thing to do is to just walk away from your marriage. You loved each other enough to commit for a lifetime, so I would suggest you fight for your marriage before becoming another divorce statistic. I know you've said the trouble has been there for the last three years, but have you both really been trying to improve your relationship during that time, or just kinda sleepwalking through it?

Would you (or both of you) be open to marriage counseling? It really opened my eyes and has helped make my marriage stronger than ever after some dangerous times that were similar to the things you're currently going through.

Don't give up so easily, fight for your marriage and GOOD LUCK!!!

 

[Matt Gordon]

And having an affair with one of the parents and breaking them up would be doing them a favor?:rolleyes

And how can you assume that the two households created from the original would be stable? Nobody knows that.

The fact is that if they're going to break up, they'll break up. And nobody needs to be the impetus to that. That's like trying to clean up something messy by throwing mud at it. I agree with Ron-P's take on that statement. It would make it worse for everyone.

 

[Eve T]

If you're even thinking about an affair, no matter what problems you're having, then you do not love your husband.

I find that statement completly insane.

So, no matter what the problems are, and even though I've talked to my husband numerous times to no avail, and heaven forbid am having a weak moment in where I was "thinking" about doing something than I don't love him?

If I didn't love him I would have already done it. That statement is like saying when you are married, if you even so much as look at another woman/man and have an impure thought than that means you aren't in love with your partner.

No, I love him very much, but my love alone isn't fixing anything in this relationship. (Not that having an affair would fix anything save my sexual desires)

I appreciate all the responses, I do however see many people asking me to talk to him. The problem is I talk till I'm blue in the face and yet am still no closer to solving this problem than where I started from.

Talking is great, but not if you are the one doing all the talking.

Then some will say, then why don't you get out? First of all, I've never been alone EVER. Maybe thats exactly what I need, but that doesn't mean I am not fearful of such an enterprise. My husband does do many things for me (not sexual) but still he does care enough to provide for me in other areas. I believe he does love me, but that he is maybe embarrassed by this whole ordeal and doesn't want to admit he has a problem lest that be a strike against his very manhood.

I can understand that. I have talked, now I need for him to talk back and talk with me.

To say that just because I've entertained the idea of having my sexual needs met elsewhere means I don't love my partner is just insane to me.


I'd like to personally thank those of you who have written me emails and responded to this thread. It has meant a great deal to me in this confusing difficult time.

 

[Matt Stryker]

If you're even thinking about an affair, no matter what problems you're having, then you do not love your husband.

I disagree. Action is much more important than thought, especially when it comes to sexual urges. Thinking about it and talking about it with others can help you to come to terms with what is driving those urges.

The book with the "love point system" is called Building an Affair Proof Marriage I believe. My wife and I read it as part of a pre-marriage counselling thing.

 

[Evan S]

Talking is great, but not if you are the one doing all the talking.

If your husband loves you, what's holding him back from opening lines of communication, both inside the bedroom and outside that would allow you two to become closer.

Have you told him how frustrated you've become, have you conveyed the SEVERITY of the situation or just hinted around at how upset you are?

If he really loves you and wants to salvage the marriage, then he would agree to counseling. If not, you have to question HIS committment.

I do not agree with going the affair route. What if this cop has the same selfish needs in bed that your husband has? What then? The guilt will be enormous as well.

 

[MarkHastings]

Eve, Contrary to what I've posted in other threads, I'd definitely suggest not doing a thing as long as he's married. Tell him that you will NOT allow yourself to get involved with a married man (because that would be immoral) and stick to those guns no matter how hard it may seem. Let him decide if he's willing to get a divorce and persue someone else.

Remember, it's HIS decision to ruin his marriage, not yours.

I don't see the harm in telling him that you have feelings for him, but make sure he knows that nothing can happen as long as he's married. Don't let him have his cake and eat it too.

 

[TimDoss]

poor choice of words maybe, yes, thinking about it and doing
it are completely different things, but
contemplating it to the point of driving yourself nuts
enough to post on the internet about it.... that's a little
more than just a passing thought, don't you think?
Also, you've allowed this man to feel your leg under the
table and have gone so far as to kiss him. As a husband I
would consider that cheating. "well we haven't had sex" is
a cop out, you have already cheated on your husband.
I'm not passing judgement on you for anything, you're life
is not mine... you came here for opinions, this is mine.

 

[Malcolm R]

Then, as I said previously, you need to give him an ultimatum. Let him know that you're sick of talking, sick of him not talking, and that the time for "talking" is over.

Either he's going to reach some middle-ground where you can work things out or things will be changing. Perhaps even a trial separation, if necessary, to shake him out of his (seeming) complacency. Not necessarily a separation where you each start seeing other people, but just some time apart to see whether you really, truly, miss each other enough to try and continue to make it work.

If you separate, then find that you don't really miss the other person, then that's a big clue that you've grown apart enough to warrant permanent changes.

And you shouldn't be afraid to be alone. It sounds like you've taken care of yourself in the past, I think you can do it again, if necessary. :wink:

 

[Jeff Ulmer]

I have to disagree with the advice to just go out and have an affair or casual sex. Aside from the health risks, you are not going to fix anything by doing this. You will not gain any emotional benefit. You may have some short term gratification, but in the long term you are proving yourself untrustworthy, and trust in a relationship is not something that is to be taken lightly, nor is it easily repaired once gone.

How would you feel if your husband cheated on you? Could you ever trust him again?

As for the cop, it sounds from your description that he has performance anxiety himself. How is this any better than the situation with your husband? He does not sound like the kind of friend worthy of you, it sounds like he is manipulating you. A true friend wouldn't be making plays for his buddy's wife.

I don't think any of us here should be judging your situation as we don't know all the details (nor are they our business, frankly), but I would say that the relationship with your friends is over.

 

[Joe Szott]

Reading some more, I would modify what I said earlier. I'm sure Eve's head is spinning from us all, but these are the couple of things I think could help:

Don't even see the couple with the cop husband for a while. You don't want to do anything with him (it's pretty obvious) and it just isn't what you need right now. You need friendship and support, not a predator with a penis.

Seek counseling with your husband either through your community, privately, or a church service. Sometimes talking isn't enough and you (both) need a professional third party to get htings back on track. Pretty much at this point, I would tell your husband that either you get this kind of help for you both, or the relationship is broken.

If he won't go to counseling, only options I see are to have an affair to satisfy your needs while having security of husband at home, or divorce and start again. I would definitely tell him that too as counseling may be the only realistic shot you've got right now.

All the best Eve, we'll keep you in our thoughts and prayers.

 

[Ryan Wright]

Once more, with feeling.

That post was hilarious, Vickie.

 

[John_Bonner]

I'll pass on advice a good friend once gave me about a similar situation: "Don't start a new relationship until you've ended the first one". This is especially true if you are married (which you are). That's one approach. I would also add that it's usually never a good idea to leave someone for someone else. Although it sounds as if you're not really at that point in time.

However I also believe you can have a purely physical relationship with no guilt, remorse or regret. It's really up to you. If you choose this road be sure the "other man" can also handle it.

Do you have a close friend (either female or male) to talk to? This may help since a friend will know you much better than those of us here who are offering advice. Ultimately you have a tough decision to make, no need to make it right away. Take your time, weigh your options...Best of luck.

JB

 

[Jeff Ulmer]

My advice is to first try to make your relationship work, ditch the so-called "friends" and put your efforts in to the 6 year investment you already have. Is it worth throwing away over some guy who obviously has no respect for anyone else's feelings?

As for the sex issue, there is a pretty simple way to get dialogue opened. If your husband is looking for sex, don't let him have his fun until you have been taken care of. He can earn his reward.

As for councelling, I'd also agree with that, but if he isn't open to it, go yourself. How you react to his behaviour either counters or reinforces it. Of course he will feel threatened if you are questioning or criticising his manhood.

Then some will say, then why don't you get out? First of all, I've never been alone EVER.

Ding! This sure sound familiar. I know a few women who have never been without a relationship. They get disatisfied with one and are looking to move on to another while still in the last relationship. They end up with the same guy all over again. What kind of security does the new guy have knowing you left your last relationship for him? What's to say you aren't going to do the same thing again? It is an endless cycle that never resolves itself. If you are going to make a break, DON'T hook up with the first guy who comes along. You need to make sense of what is happening that is causing you to feel this way, and what type of person is suited to you.

I wish you luck, whatever you decide to do.

 

[Max Leung]

I suggest spending some time reading through this site:

http://www.loveadvice.com/Index.htm

 

[Eric_L]

""Eric. YES I have a ring. I'm MARRIED....I'm been an exotic dancer..."" - New light on the subject. Hmmm.

""No, there is NO magic bullet, there is no wiffle dust to be found, I guess I was looking for other people to say "I've been there hang on, it gets better" or give me advice on what they did to curb their carnal desires......"

To curb OUR carnal desires wife and I had children. hehe.

The bad news is that your 'carnal desires' aren't EVER going to stop. Sorry. At some point you have to decide that the one you got is the one you want. Then realize that there will always be greener pasteurs. (grass is always greener..)

Really there is no way to stop from getting turned on. It helps if you are getting it good already, but not 100%.

That is where your real problem is, and if he is unwilling to work it out I see NO reason to stay. What if instead of 'briefness' it was abuse? alcohol? staying out late with friends? You should tolerate NONE of these things as they all mean you're not geting your fair share from the relationship.

You are right, you HAVE talked enough. Now it is time to act. An ultimatum is really the only way to go. And DONT fear keeping it. Being alone not only sucks, it also builds character (esteem, confidence, etc) If he won't budge then at least you saved yourself the rest of your life feeling unfulfilled. And best of all, before having children.

As far as your "friends" - Repeat after me:

"I"

"Deserve"

"Better"

Do this three times daily until you really believe it.

He as much as admitted he could see you were having trouble, so he pounced on you like a fly on shit. Not exactly a friendly thing to do.


[REMAINDER OF POST REMOVED BY ADMIN.]

(sorry admin, got carried away with Vickie_M's wonderfully sassy response - Eric)

 

[Jack Briggs]

Attention!

Let's please try and keep the conversation reasonably savory. Thank you.

 

[Jon_Are]

it's time for him to see a doc...Sadly this hasn't happened and it's always some lame excuse as to why not. Well I know why not, because he's still having a good time.

No, Eve, I don't think he's having a good time at all. He has not gone to the doctor because he is totally embarrassed by the situation. And of course, he'll never admit that.

Deep, deep in your heart you know that advancing this affair any further will cause all manner of pain to a number of people, primarily you.

I think it is significant that you state you have no moral issue with a man and a woman betraying the ones they have avowed their love for. I hope you have re-thought this remark (and I doubt that you really believe it). I understand it is difficult to apply this line of thought to your current situation, but try imagining yourself in a (future) loving relationship and entertaining these thoughts (or, more pointedly, your husband entertaining them).

The above may sound judgemental. Know that I am not condemning you that you have these feelings, nor do I deny that I've been in similar circumstances. Acting on them, however, would be a colossal, multi-faceted error in judgement, perception, and self-worthiness.

You have a problem with your marriage. The male friend is merely a symptom of that problem. You must address the marriage problem and the friend situation as separate issues.

You are vulnerable, whether or not you would like to admit it. Your self-esteem is questionable, whether or not you would like to admit it. You are in no psychological shape to consider complicating your life in this manner. You should instead be working to simplify it.

This man (the cop) has no respect for his wife, no respect for his marriage, no respect for his friendship with your husband, no respect for his friendship with you. And no respect for you.

If you distance yourself from the cop, yes, yes, it will get better and easier over time. You will look back on how you are feeling and acting now and feel foolish. (yes, I know this to be true). And you will have strengthened your inner self in a manner that no book, television show, or friend could provide.

If you pursue with these flirtations, your life is a train wreck waiting to happen.

Wishing you all the best,

Jon

 

[Malcolm R]

EDIT: Sorry, carry on. :wink: