Sticky situation. I need some advice (1 Viewer)

[Eve T]

Okay here is the deal. I've been with my significant other for over 6 years without ever stepping out on him or cheating not even once.

Lately we have been having some trouble (okay, for the last 3 years) of not only an emotional nature but also of a sexual nature.

Please don't think by my posting this that I don't care about him. I do, which is why I am so confused right now.

We recently met a married couple who we really get along with great. We go over to their house for cook outs and just to hang out and go clubbing together on a weekly basis.

Not too long ago something happened out of the blue and my friends husband started like innocently flirting with me. She doesn't seem to see it or either that she doesn't really care. They've been together for 13 years and she flirts with everyone in the bars. I guess they've both cheated on each other before but she's really insecure and gets mad at him for doing the same thing she does with everyone else, but I digress.

Recently he began to rub my legs under the table while we are all sitting there talking. I feel kind of bad that I didn't say anything but what's worse is I feel bad because I liked it. I'm very attracted to him. I know I'll probablly get flamed for this, but hell, I'm human and have had problems with my guy for over 3 years that aren't being taken care of regardless of how many times I try to discuss things with him.

Anyway, this guy and I walked outside for some fresh air and he pressed up against me and to my shock, and utter complete horror I heard myself say out loud:

"Don't do that unless you're serious"

WTF???????? I couldn't believe I said that. It's so unlike me. Thats when he said he WAS serious and began to tell me how much he's attracted to me. He could tell that there are problems in my relationship and basically said it looked like me and my guy were more room mates than lovers.
After we all left the bar we ended up going to their house for a night cap. He asked me what I wanted to drink and I didn't know so I went into the kitchen to see what they had. My man and his wife were in the living room watching tv and I was with him in the kitchen.

He totally caught me off gaurd when he pushed me up against the wall and began kissing me, I kissed back and all I could think was oh S--t! What if one of them walks in here? He's a cop so I guess his ears are trained for such things because he kept on.

Now heres the thing, I feel bad because I LIKE his wife, but then again I get so mad at the way she treats him. She's had affairs on him and flirts with EVERYONE yet treats him so badly and I think he's getting tired of it and just figures heck, if I'm going to get accused of things I'm not doing then I might as well do them.

For me, I think this was just so sudden that I was taken up in it. I know he doesn't care for me like that. We are good friends but I don't want to F up this friendship but yet I can't stop thinking about him. I don't know what to do. Just walk away and end the friendship? I don't even know how serious he is about things, he may just be flirting for all I know with no intentions of backing anything up.

I know they will always be together unless she leaves him. He told me that she thinks if she left him that he'd always be alone and have a break down but that he'd find someone the next day and move on, so I don't know exactly whats going on in their marriage.

I don't want to tell her, because I'm just as guilty and as much as I'm ashamed to admit it, I wanted something to happen.

No, we haven't slept with each other but if this continues I'm afraid it may develop into that, and I don't know exactly what to think or do.

I know there are some purist here, but I also know we are all human and that not EVERYONE can tell me that haven't ended up in a like or similar situation with someone where they "thought" about swaying and giving into carnal lust.

How do I get myself out of this one? If I were to break off the friendship(s) which I don't want to do, I like both of them, then my man and his wife would wonder why we aren't friends anymore.

On the other hand if I continue to see them I feel I'll end up losing my mind because it hurts so much to be next to him and not be able to do anything about it. I actually look forward to seeing him and hate to leave him.

Unlike my man he takes an interst in me that I haven't seen in some time in my own personal life which makes me feel good. This is all so risky. How did this happen?

Dammit! :frowning:

 

[Eve T]

Sigh, okay. I guess I'm a horrible person and never should have posted this.

Maybe I am the only one on this forum who has ever been in a situation like this, or maybe the only one dumb/honest? enough to admit it.....

:frowning:

 

[Ryan Wright]

You didn't answer the most important question: Do they have children? If so, get the hell out. You don't need to be a player in wrecking a kid's life.

If not, then you have options. I recommend ensuring his wife is OK with it. Not, "Oh, she sleeps around too, so who cares?" If she knows you two are fooling around because you've talked to her about it, and she still doesn't care, then have fun. They have an open relationship and are into that sort of thing.

If it's secret, and you have to hide and sneak around, then you probably shouldn't be doing it.

As for your current relationship, if you're done with him, then be done with him. Let him know and get it overwith. That way he can move on and find someone else. He will be better off with it now than catching you with this guy or hearing about it through the grapevine.

This is of course assuming you have no religious beliefs that would interfere. I do. However, I won't presume to think that you agree with them, therefore, my comments are based purely on the social/moral aspects of this situation.

And, oh, let's make sure we're practicing good birth control. I assume you are responsible enough to know this, but it has to be said, just in case.

Lastly, don't get yourself involved emotionally. This is a sexual thing, nothing more. Don't think any sort of stable relationship will ever develop from it. If you go into this purely to have a good time, you will come out of it in one piece.

 

[Eve T]

No, she doesn't know about it, and if she did she'd hit the roof. Whenever she's not with him she calls him on his cell phone every 15 minutes or so and if he's not Johnny on the spot she gets crazy.

I really can't let her know. They aren't "in to that".

Neither couple has children, but this has happened so sudden that I don't know what to think.

It could be simple flirting or maybe he just wants a couple thrills. I don't think he or I are looking for a "relationship" but from what I understand (I have no experience in such things) is that once you do it, and you are lying naked next to someone, things (emotions) change. I just don't want to get hung up on some other guy, and yet I can't stop thinking about him.

Maybe I should get the hell out. I'm totally miserable about the whole situation. I feel like a damn school girl.:frowning:

 

[Ryan Wright]

Well, Eve, I can't make the decision for you. But I can guide you to one.

How is your relationship with this couple? Are you very close friends, or is it a surface relationship where you enjoy each other's company and nothing more? Or maybe somewhere in between?

How about respect? Do you have any respect for his wife? How much? They have been married for 13 years; that's a long time. Obviously, the guy isn't into monogamy. Do you want to be the girl who "ruins her life"? Could you do that?

If you continue down this path, you must do so with the assumption that she will find out. The chances are very high that she will, no matter how sneaky you two think you are.

You have a few choices:

1. You continue down the current path. You enjoy your time together, and your private interaction with her husband. Eventually, you sleep together. Eventually, she finds out. Your relationship with this couple then ends for good. He won't make a good husband. I know you said that's not your interest, but things change. Remember this sentence. I'll say it again: He won't make a good husband. Not to her, not to you, not to anyone. Unless, of course, an open relationship is your thing.

2. You alter the path. You end it with him and continue to enjoy this couple's company as if nothing has happened. Awkward and difficult, but it can be done.

3. You end the friendship with them now. It's done, it's over, and you can (try to) forget about it.

4. You have a few quick flings with him. Get it out of your system. Then choose step 2 or 3. Difficult to do and a high chance of leading to step 1.

This doesn't even bring your current boyfriend into the equation. As for him, I'll ask some more questions:

What are your intentions? Do you want someone you can marry, or is it just for fun? If you're looking for marriage, you should find someone else. He isn't "doing it" for you. Let him know, get it overwith, and you'll both be better off.

It sounds like you enjoy his company and most things about him, except the sex. If so, you might want to reinvest yourself in him. Get yourself some Kama Sutra books, or whatever, and see how that goes. Weigh the options: Reinvest, or dissolve. If the thought of putting more effort into the relationship makes you roll your eyes, then end it despite the pain it will cause. If putting the effort in brings a smile to your face, then try it. Worst case, you find yourself here again in a few more months.

What you have here are two entirely different situations, one with your current relationship, and one with this couple. You must try to separate them. Sure, they both affect each other, but they are two issues and treating them as such will help you untangle this situation and solve it.

I hope this helps.

 

[Cam S]

Geez Eve, you really ARE in a sticky situation, probably on of the best Off Topic threads in a while though

My advice is that these feelings for the guy could just be because you arn't getting what you want out of your own relationship and you might think that the cop can offer this to you. I think the flirting and attraction is the biggest part, as you say your partner doesn't give you any of that.

I can't suggest to you that you break up your friends relationship because you want to see how things would go between you and the cop, cuz you might be doing it all for the wrong reasons, the main reason being lust.

Have you considered relationship counseling with your partner? Maybe there are barriers that need to be broken before things can be back to normal, to where both of you are happy.

I would hold off on making a move on this guy, further than what has already happen, as it could just cause more shit and make things worse for everyone. You don't want to lose a partner and two friends at the same time.

Just do what feels right and what makes YOU happy.

Best of luck and keep us posted.

 

[KyleS]

Oh man I guess I need to add something though it may not be what you want to hear.

I understand where you are coming from about being neglected but that doesnt give you the right to go out and have an affair. Its ok for both of you to have feeling towards others but to act on them while you are in a current relationship is IMHO wrong. If you have been unhappy for 3+ years (whether you love him or not), factor in that he doesnt want to talk about it, and the signs have been pointing to an end in your relationship.

Now assuming that you were to end the relationship you were in he has a little issue..... Its called he is married. In no way should he be messing around with anyone. If he is aware of the fact that his wife has been and is cheating on him then he needs to wake up and get a divorce. It doesnt make it right to cheat on her because she is cheating on him. The only situation that would work is if both husband and wife agree that its ok and that nothing is wrong with sleeping around (Pretty messed up IMO).

You should get the hell out now because the best that could happen is that you have a couple of thrilling nights or weekends but what about the stress you are feeling now? Do you think that it will get better when you actually start cheating with him? Heck no its only going to get worse especially since you know how his wife, your friend, feels about sleeping around on each other.

Think of it this way what good could come from screwing around with a married man? A few exciting moments followed by regret and a loss of a friend. Find another group of friends to hang out with or confront them and let them know what they do to each other makes you uncomfortable.

I had a friend that was in a situtation very similiar to your friends and it did end in a divorce though very ugly since they both were cheating on each other. What was shocking is that they both felt it was all right to cheat but were pissed when they found out they were being cheated on. WTF

KyleS

 

[Kirk Gunn]

I hate to admit it, but I know someone who had a similar situation many years ago. It did not end up "happily ever after" for anyone involved. As Ryan alluded, it's not a solid way to start a relationship.

I know it's insanely painful (believe me), but you've got to walk away and bury these feelings. When you've put some distance on it, you can pick up a blues guitar and crank out a few cd's worth of original tunes.

I got more songs out of my old love..... and to be honest, I still miss her sometimes. uhhhhh, I mean my "friend" still misses her.... (she wasn't married)

Be Strong !

 

[Dan Hine]

Eve,

Don't you dare think that you shouldn't be confused right now. It's definitely a tough situation. And don't "feel like a damn school girl" either. School girls (and school boys of course) usually wouldn't even recognize the problem much less want to come to a solution. You know there is a problem, you're doing good.

I'd like to agree with Ryan on a very important point.

I don't think he or I are looking for a "relationship" but from what I understand (I have no experience in such things) is that once you do it, and you are lying naked next to someone, things (emotions) change.

Generally, that is only true for women. Most guys that sleep with women without any emotional attachment do not develop any heartfelt feelings simply because they slept with someone. They may later on but NOT because of that. Some of us act like we do want a relationship in order to keep getting some but for the most part that's all we're in it for.

But that's really not the point. You do not need to have a fling for whatever reason. Even if you were single, he is NOT. Even if his wife is a "Bar Bunny" that does not mean that either of you are justified in your actions. If it were me, I would break my current relationship off and then tell "married guy" that you cannot continue to mess around with him at all. If he really cares about you then he will back off. If he continues then he is interested in only one thing. If that turns out to be the case then I would say you need to stop seeing him all together. Not forever, but long enough that he gets the point.

IMO, letting things continue to go the way they are would only make an even bigger mess. That's just my opinion though...my heart goes out to you.

 

[Brad Porter]

Do you ever watch Jerry Springer and wonder why these people all seem so crazy? Now you know. Their immediate emotions (rage, jealousy, lust) are overwhelming their rational minds. Try to look back on this moment from all of your possible futures and see which outcome seems to be the most likely. There may be one outcome out of a few dozen that actually results in you being happier, but can you possibly get there? What is it that you want to have happen? How can you get there from here? Don't jump into a new relationship and expect that it will automatically be played on your terms. If you want to be with this other man, lay down some strict ground rules with him before anything else happens. Otherwise he is in complete control and you look like the troublemaker. If he's never going to leave his wife, then what (other than satifying your temporary lust) good can come of it?

You also need to detach the relationship you have with your current partner from the one you are contemplating. Don't use problems in one to justify actions in the other. If you are having problems with your current partner that you think can be fixed, TELL HIM and give him an opportunity to do so. If you think the problems aren't fixable, TELL HIM that you need more from a relationship and walk away. It's not going to get better if he thinks everything is fine (which, if he is like most men, he probably does).

I am not a professional counselor, nor have I been involved in any circumstances similar to yours, but my major advice is still to decide what it is that you need out of a relationship and not to be naive or foolish in this situation.

Or "just do it" and regret it later. Unfortunatly, that's the only way you'll really learn this particular lesson. Some part of you will always wonder "what might have been" and will be certain that this would have been the one extramarital affair would have gone exactly right.

Brad

 

[Eve T]

I guess I just have been feeling so lonely.

There is nothing like living with someone for so many years and being with them in a room and yet feeling more alone than you've ever felt in your life.

It's very depressing. I think I'm just looking into this situation too much.

I saw him and her last night and we all went out and the same old touch my thigh under the table thing happened. I talked to him on the phone today, and he said that I "intimidate" him. Okay...but he's the one who started this. I guess he's having second thoughts or he's afraid to actually get down to it. I am too though, but the you "intimidate" me thing really kinda ticked me off. He's the one that instigated this whole ordeal and has confused me so very much. :frowning:

He said he's been in situations like this before and was unable to perform when it really came down to it. I wish he had never started this. Dammit I think I actually DO have feelings for him when I get honest about it, I mean if I didn't, I guess I wouldn't be here posting about it on HTF for the whole world to see.

I'm not looking for absolution, I guess what I'm looking for is a "I've been there before" and "I've had feelings like this before and it's gonna pass, it will be okay"

Or even, "I've been there before and it wrecked my life or it didn't wreck my life"

I dunno. I'm so upset I feel like crying and yet I'm feeling angry, not just at him, but at myself too for allowing this to happen. :frowning: :frowning:

 

[Dewitte]

This man is a game player and likely engaged in this kind of thing before he was married. His telling you that you "intimidate" him is indicative of this. He simply believes that this will spur you on to "try" harder. No confusion here. He wants you and has a feeling you want him too. If you're looking for any kind of respect, you're not going to find it from the married man.

Your feelings for this "person" are magnified by the fact your current relationship is no longer satisfying you emotionally. It's human. Frustrating, but perfectly normal.

Finally, if it has been three years since being satisfied emotionally (among other ways), then it is time to move on. You hurt your current relationship by continuing to prolong it and it doesn't help anyone when the inevitable bomb is dropped - either by you or him. That three years of resentment bubbles up into something ugly.

De

 

[Elizabeth S]

My advice is that these feelings for the guy could just be because you arn't getting what you want out of your own relationship and you might think that the cop can offer this to you. I think the flirting and attraction is the biggest part, as you say your partner doesn't give you any of that.

I agree with the above. Eve, I think you have to distance yourself from him. Even if it means avoiding the couple for a while.

The one thing that frightens me is his wife's always calling on his cell to check up on him. Someone like that is bound to get "crazy" if she ever truly suspected something. I've personally had a wife call me up to question me, another wife threaten to come looking for me, a girlfriend come looking for my house with the kid, etc.

I've been through relationships in my life that put me through utter emotional hell. I've been the "other woman" more than once, and it's never an easy situation. Even if you don't love the man, it's too easy to get wrapped up in it. I'm not talking about the MORALS involved, because NOBODY tells me what I can or cannot do. But your situation is just too complicated and sounds destined for stress and pain.

I've had "flings" that were totally without emotion -- I do believe many women can separate emotion from sex as well as many men. But from the nature of your post, there seems to already be too much emotion involved.

Best wishes to you, Eve. I know it feels like nobody in the world can really understand your feelings right now, though.

 

[Eric_L]

per Ryan - "How about respect? Do you have any respect for his wife? How much?"

Even more so, how much respect do you have for yourself? Judging from how you handle yourself, I'd say "not much".

Now, those who have read my posts before know that I am a 'Carpe Diem' kinda guy. However, carpe diem does not mean 'self destruct'.

You know right from wrong and you know that these things have a 0% chance of turning out well. You came here looking for a magic bullet that you also know does not exists.

If you have any dignity you will first of all, tell your sig other that either he addresses the 'problems' or you leave. Chances are you will have to leave. So what. If after 3 years things haven't improved then they are not going to - ever. (BTW 6 years and no ring??!! get packing!)

I belive in addressing problems head on. It is the only manner that will earn you any degree of self-respect or respect from any one else. If you respect yourself it is much easier to get our of bad relationships... and avoid worse ones.

And that is where your weakness shows. This married guy sees you are weak and knows he can play you. You are an easy mark because he knows you'll get 'all confused' and play right into his hands. It is a classic move. Scope the girl with low self esteem. She will be too busy trying to figure out what to do to stop you from doing anything!

If you had self esteem you'd know that you can walk into ANY room and have your pick of ANY single man, and many married ones too. Appearance is only half the game, baby. The rest is all how well you play. Self esteem is visible.

Knowing that, then you don't need this married loser. Tell him, in no uncertain terms, to back off and whack off and leave you alone. Don't tell his wife. That is not your place. If your sig other asks... er, your EX sig other asks... tell him it is none of his biz anymore.

Quit being a puss and stand up to the task. Your reward will be a much greater self image - which will result in far greater possibilities than you ever imagined you deserve.

If you can't tell from my tone, then I will fess up. Yes, I scoped more than my share of women in my single days. I know the easy marks from the more difficult women. I can tell right now you are an easy mark. No, not 'loose' - in fact, likely even you consider yourself the opposite. Girls like you were an ideal mark because after the consumation I could call you and 'get it on' whenever I wanted. You won't say 'no' because you will still be all 'confused' - until one day when you wake up and realize you deserve better. One day I did too and met my wife six months later.

I Honestly want you to have better. Close your eyes and imagine yourself getting something better. feels good, huh?

Wake up.





(or call me, I'm horny and married too! hehe)

 

[Eve T]

Thanks for the advice guys, and thank you Liz for your advice from a female perspective.

They have both cheated on each other. Her more than once and him once after they had been married for almost 10 years.

She found out about it (it wasn't an ongoing affair, more like a couple of one night stands) but she went crazy and went to the girls work looking for her and stuff.

I don't want that because she knows where I work, and she knows where I live. YIKES, not to mention she's pretty big and she'd snap me like a twig.

I'd like to emotionally seperate myself and I guess if I tried really hard I could, but then again, maybe you are right and I'm already too emotionally attached to this situation.

Please everyone remember we have not had sex in any way shape or form, it hasn't happened yet, and I have no moral problem with it if it did happen, I just have a problem with ending up somewhere crying and wishing it never happened, or losing my friends.

To tell you the truth, in some ways I'm glad it did happen as it awakened a part of me that has not been alive in years, but then again I'm very sad that it did happen because I really love/like these people as friends. Still I'm sad about it because the above good reason I stated is the same answer for the bad reason.....

It's awakened a part of me thats not been alive in years and now that it's awake, I can't stop thinking about it.

 

[Eve T]

Eric. YES I have a ring. I'm MARRIED. I didn't want to come out and say it right off because I knew I'd catch hell for even having these feelings.

I'm been an exotic dancer, and know how most men operate and what they have on thier minds and I know I can have any pick of men in a room both single and probablly most that are married given the right circumstance.

I don't have low self esteem, I've just never cheated before or even had feelings of doing such things before, that is why I am confused. This hit me like a ton of bricks.

I have talked to my significant other oops "husband" many times and I know he loves me, and I know I love him.

When this happened I realized that part of me was alive again and I thought about taking the risk but do indeed care for this man as a friend and would hate to F that up, which again leads to confusion. He even told me he'd hate to ruin things between us all, so I suppose nothing will ever become of it anyway.

No, there is NO magic bullet, there is no wiffle dust to be found, I guess I was looking for other people to say "I've been there hang on, it gets better" or give me advice on what they did to curb their carnal desires......

Anyway. Thanks for your time.

 

[Rain]

I only read the first 3 posts because I don't want other opinions to influence mine.

However, I did read this before I stopped and really have to address it, as it's an old and tired myth:

If so, get the hell out. You don't need to be a player in wrecking wrecking a kid's life.

This is of course completely illogical.

Take it from someone whose parents fought like cats and dogs...an unhappy couple staying together does no favours at all for the children. Better two stable households than one unstable one.
_________________________________

Now then....

Most people will probably disagree with me and tell you to "try to work it out," but regardless of what happens with this other guy, it sounds like you should end things with your current spouse. You say you haven't been really happy for 3 years and I think that is more than enough of a "try." You deserve to be with someone who gives you what you need and vice versa.

That being said, it's unlikely to come from the other guy, at least while he's still with the other woman. If you are really interested in him, then tell him to call you when he's single. I would not advise entering into an affair with someone who is attached, as emotional entanglement may result. And if he stays with her, you're screwed.

I'm no "expert" and can only speak from personal experience and observation, but it sounds like the real issue is your discontent in your current relationship and not so much your attraction to this other guy.

So I guess my advice is: Break up, get single, take some time to yourself and find a nice available guy (or a few) to get to know and spend time with.

 

[Brad Porter]

I guess I was looking for other people to say "I've been there hang on, it gets better" or give me advice on what they did to curb their carnal desires......

You won't get good advice on this from guys. We only lose our "carnal desires" after we've satisfied them. Then we get them back a little while later.

If you want anonymous sexual gratification then go find that. It doesn't really solve any of your existing problems, but it doesn't create as many new ones (barring STDs, of course).

Brad

 

[Kirk Gunn]

Eve, you said:



It came pretty close to wrecking my life, emotionally at least. Fortunately somebody was smiling on me as everything was crashing down. I was offered a job transfer and I could literally start my life over.

I can understand you being lonely with your current relationship, but you will be MORE lonely if this goes on. Take his wormy "intimidation" hint and end it NOW - PLEASE !

 

[Allen_Appel]

Eve, I think you would be very unhappy in an affair. Particularly with this man. The fact that he is groping you under a table in the presence of your husband and his wife, that he is kissing you when they are in the other room, is a clear indicator that he respects nobody in the situation save himself. This guy obviously isn't your husband's friend (coveting your friend's wife is one thing, kissing and fondling her is another), and you feel some bitterness towards the wife, though that seems to spring from your feelings for her husband. Maintaining the "friendship" is sure to end in adultery. End it, either directly to the husband (on the phone), or gradually by being too busy to accept invitations.

Do not just suddenly announce to your husband that you want to leave him, or have an affair. You've been married six years, and I imagine dated for some time before, and you obviously miss the relationship you two once had. Tell him this, instead. You allude to emotional and sexual problems going on three years, and it's unfortunately easy to fall into a rut. You have to accept some responsibility for this as well. Your husband may feel that you don't want to be intimate, and complaining about the lack of intimacy in your marriage won't help. You've been an exotic dancer, I'm sure you have some seductive moves. Try them.

Concentrate on your marriage. Even if you end up eventually separating from your husband, you will feel better for having tried.