Sticky situation. I need some advice (1 Viewer)

[Glenn Overholt]

Either find a doctor for him or a doctor referral service, and write the phone number down. Give him one week to make the appointment. If it is this serious then you MUST do something about it now. Just let him know that he will not like the alternative if he doesn't make the appointment.
Both of you are adults.

Sure, you can avoid the cop, but I think it would be better if you confronted it head on. Have dinner with them again. If he makes a move, just say no! If he doesn't listen, slap him upside the head. Let him explain why you had to do that. If anyone should know know the meaning of the word no, a police office should.

If you can do these within days of each other I am pretty sure that your SO will move - and get it fixed!

Glenn

 

[Eve T]

I have to say to you all once again THANKS for the words of insight and encouragement.

No matter what decision I make it's not going to be an easy one and I'll end up somewhat hurt.

Whats sad is I really like these people and I feel pretty shitty that I even allowed this to happen. I feel terrible that I am even thinking about this guy.

We are all friends and now the friendship has been comprimised, he started it, but I could have nipped it in the bud and I didn't.

I still think about him and have been pondering the advice in this thread and in various personal emails.

On one hand, I don't want to get hurt and I don't want to hurt anyone else, on the other hand somewhere deep inside my mind says DO IT DO IT DO IT and get it over with and you can still continue as it didn't happen. I don't know that I believe that though but sure sounds nice in my head when I hear it....

What makes this even more difficult is that if I were to just end this whole friendship both his wife and my husband would want to know what the hell is going on, and also I would miss them both terribly.

He called me tonight a couple times while on his beat and like an idiot I said nothing. I just turned into a damn fool again.

I'm working on this, maybe not in the right way (if there is one) but I'm trying here, it's just kinda hard. I keep thinking about the distancing thing, like just being too busy to go out one week with them, and then the next week etc, but fear that when we finally do meet up together what will happen?

Will the feelings still be there? Will he be worse? God I can't believe I got myself into this.

Regardless of anything said I still want him, I don't know how to turn that feeling off at the moment. Either with time the feeling will fade, or it will burn stronger.

If any of you broke off a relationship similar to this, how hard was it for you to do? How exactly did you do it? How long did it hurt?

I'm not hurt over the sex part (there hasn't been any yet) but I would be hurt over the loss of friendship regardless of what many of you think we are infact friends and talk more about other things than we do about sexual things so there would be a void in my life without those conversations we've all shared and that he and I personally shared.

I have no other friends which makes this even MORE difficult. I'm a home body as the hubby doesn't like to go out and do things, so I've been cooped up in this house until we met these people.

The ultimatum is a good idea. I think I'm going to try that. Now..if I can only hope he cares enough to listen and act on it......

PS. I don't own a vibrator Vickie. :b

 

[Leila Dougan]

I have some idea what you're going through, Eve. I really do.

For what it's worth, here's what I suggest:

Recognize that your infatuation with this other guy is just that: infatuation. You are sex-starved and the attention is very attractive right now. You are vulnerable and he knows it. If it's not him, it will be someone else. Until you get your needs met, you'll be subconciously (at the very least) looking around. Ditch this guy.

Do some deep soul-searching about your husband. Do you WANT to stay married, or are you looking for a way out? Neither choice is right or wrong, in and of itself. How committed are you to fixing your marriage? How committed is he?

Make an appointment to talk to a sex therapist, as a couple. If your husband won't go, then you go alone. Either your husband will realize how dire the situation really is and prove his commitment by attending with you, or he'll show you that your relationship isn't that important. You'll know if the marriage is worth salvaging or not and either way, you'll gain some invaluable insight.

Buy a dildo/vibrator/whatever. Use it, but as a couple! Sure, you can also use it solo if the mood strikes (as opposed to Mr Cop). But the important thing is that you schedule a "me night". Meaning, you and your husband share an intimate evening together, but ONLY to pleasure you. No faking, no lies, nothing. His sole purpose is to pleasure you and since he's using your toy of choice, there'll be no urgency to get it over with. Be gentle with his ego and really encourage him when he does something you really like. After you feel satisfied it is up to you whether you want to finish him off (orally, vaginally, or otherwise) or if you want to let him finish on his own.

Of course this isn't a one way street. The next night (or whenever) offer to do something just for him (blowjob, for example). The idea is to make your sexual encounters as pressure-free for each of you as possible.

Also, if the situation permits, try to take a weekend alone together as a mini-honeymoon. Take toys, massage oils, adult literature, games, etc and take the time to reconnect on the sexual level.

This, obviously, requires full cooperation on his part. If he really wants to work through the issues and save the relationship, he should be open to some of these ideas. It takes honest and open communication outside an emotionally-charged environment. I think, though, that instead of just "talking" about the problem, you guys actively DO something (see the therapist, try some of the suggestions) it might be better. In order for that, though, you've got to ditch this other guy and focus solely on your husband.

 

[Leif Wall]

Damn, this thread almost makes me glad I'm single!

 

[Luis S]

Very interesting thread.Lots of good advice being handed out here! Too bad its all pointless. Now Im not going to be as sweet as most others that have posted. I dont think thats helping you much. I mean after 3 pages and probably quite a few private emails I would hope youd get an idea of what to do but you havent. So here we go...

1.The cop is a scumbag. Period. Ask ANY guy, hes just playing on your weakness. Its a game alot of men play. Are you ok with that? Do you mind being used? I havent seen you adress it. So if that alone doesnt bother you, you have some bigger problems you need to work on....

2. Youve let this guy feel you up and kiss you,yet its taking you this long to give your hubby an ultimatum? Your priorities seem screwed up. Hey if you got an itch that aint getting scratched I feel for you, but there are other ways of getting off in the meantime while you and your hubby work things out. Cheating aint the way to go about it. If hes got a problem with his equipment hes not gonna want to admit to it. Its going to be VERY hard to get him in therapy with you. So choose, is your marriage more important to you? Or satisfying that itch in your pants?

3.I can understand you may not want to lose these "friends" , but to be honest you already have. Your actions have indeed compromised it as you said. No matter what happens that friendship is OVER. And again,is this more important to you than your marriage? Worth ruining it for?

4.Youve already cheated on your husband. Sorry if you dont want to here that but if you dont think groping and kissing is cheating, well then you just kidding yourself. You may not want to admit it but its true. Marriage is devotion to one person regardless of lust for another. If your lusting after someone that bad either you need to A. not be married or B.Get some sex toys and work on your current relationship like Vicki said earlier. It aint nice but what your doing is wrong.

Make a decision and stick to it. You either keep screwing around with this guy and lose everything(And belive me you will cause once hes had his jollies with you you'll be all alone. No husband,no secret lover, no friends,nothing. And you dont want to be alone correct?) Or work things out with your hubby. Which can go a couple of ways: You tell them you have to end your friendship and later explain to him why, he gets upset (rightfully so) but is finally motivated to make things right orworst case scenario you tell him, he leaves, and your alone anyway but you did the right thing and are a better,stronger person for it.

What you doing now is self destructive. Now I think what youve done is wrong personally. I dont think anyone has no control of thier actions. The responsibility is yours and yours alone to do the right thing. However my concern is that your draging this out and regardless of how I or anyone else feels about what youve done, we dont want to see you hurt like this. Whatever you decide to do please do it soon. Its very unhealthy to live the way you have been.

I hope it all works out in the end for you. Ive seen this happen too many times and it always makes me a bit sad. I have such a wonderful marriage,I often wish others in situations like yours could be so lucky. You seem so nice,and that probably part of whats gotten you in trouble,I have no doubt that if things dont work out ( and there is a high chance they wont so be prepared...) that youll find somone wholl love you the way you deserve. Good luck to you, were all hoping everything works out for you....

Luis S
P.S. Im 24 been and have been with the same lovely young lady for 7 years. It hasnt always been peaches but nothing has ever or will ever be able to topple our love for one another. Love will see you through anything. If its there,its worth fighting for no matter what your up against.

 

[Jeff Ulmer]

get it over with and you can still continue as it didn't happen.

I can guarantee this is complete BS. It does not work that way. There is no going back. Everyone will find out about it, sooner or later, and ALL your relationships will be history. The guy will change, your husband and his wife will know it.

You have a chance to work on your marriage. Use it. If not, you WILL be alone.

Luis pretty much summed it up. The ball is in your court.

 

[TimDoss]

I would recommend www.marriagebuilders.com
a lot of good stuff there.

 

[Patrick Larkin]

Oops

 

[Patrick Larkin]

I think Leila's post is the BEST so far.

This comes down to sex. The real question is even if the sex got better, would you still want to stay with your husband. Answer this first.

Are you sure this is a medical problem? Does he pleasure you in other ways - make any attempt at foreplay or is it in for the kill, 1-2-3? Any guy should know that a woman needs more than intercourse. Is the issue that he ends too quickly?

Maybe HE is having sex on the side and just isn't interested anymore? The only reason I'd say this is because if my wife said the things you are saying, I would do everything I could to make it work out...

It seems to me if you work out this sex thing and you still feel he is YOUR man, then it should work out. Tell the cop to hit the pike.

 

[Patrick Larkin]

Double post.

 

[Jack Fanning]

I would recommend www.marriagebuilders.com

I wholeheartedly concur....marriagebuilders.com is a fine site for this kind of advice.

 

[Jason Merrick]

Just stick whatever you need wherever you need it and be done with it.

Ryan, you're such a romantic!

 

[Ryan Wright]

Ryan, you're such a romantic!

I know, my wife says the same thing, in the same sarcastic tone. And everytime I try something romantic, she laughs and tells me it's corny, but she loves me anyway.

Romance is overrated, IMHO. Women read those stupid romance novels and they expect some big, muscular cowboy to ride up on a white stallion and carry her off into the sunset. Life just doesn't work that way. You know, I could come home early one day and cover the bed with rose petals, and my wife would just smirk. Romance only works in books and the movies...

 

[Dean Cooper]

Eve, what ever you do please be very careful. I lost a friend that was in a situation very similar to yours, but the wife did find out, snapped, tracked her down and murdered her while she was sitting next to me in a public place. The way you are describing the other woman scares the hell out of me, please even if you don’t think she would go that far, be careful and slow down the situation.

It is perfectly normal to have an attraction to this guy, but really look at what you’re going to get from him. What happens when he gets board with you like he has with his wife? If he is worth losing the time you spent with your husband then he is worth waiting for right? This is how I would handle your situation.

Put the cop on the back burner for the time being, if he’s serious about you then he should respect that you need to sort things out with your current relationship first before starting a new one. I think you should suggest to him that he should be doing the same while letting him know that you will give him the space he needs to sort things out himself. Don’t let him push you further in to the hole your in right now! You ARE worth the wait, don’t forget that and stick to your guns.

Now, you love your husband so give him the chance to improve before giving up on him. A good way to start working things out is to write a letter to him. Put everything down that makes you feel the way you do right now and read it out loud to yourself a few times. Try your best to keep the letter from blaming him for the problems, use “WE” instead of “YOU” so it encourages your husband to seek a solution instead of shifting blame. Remember who’s at fault isn’t important, figuring out how to solve the problem is. Make sure that you let him know that you are willing to put forth the effort in keeping your marriage alive because it really does sound like you are. Arrange to stay at a friends place, Parents place, Coworkers place, or even a Hotel for a couple days. Then explain to your husband that you need to take a break for a couple of days and give him the letter to read so he knows why. Tell him you love him very much and want to make things work out.

Last but not least, treat yourself to a couple good fantasies during your break. “Click your mouse” and take care of those urges, its normal, safe and damn it you deserve it! Bringing a few battery operated “accessories” in to a relationship certainly spices things up. Plenty of reputable wholesalers on Ebay in this “department” check it out.

Good luck and best wishes Eve

 

[Eve T]

Wow, I am so sorry to hear about your friend. :frowning: How terrible that must have been for you. That story has really got me thinking, not that the other post here haven't. They have.

I talked to my husband and I'm going to be going out of town next month for a week or so to clear my head and have some true "alone time".

I've been very depressed lately and he knows this and thinks it would be a good thing for me to get away.

Whats more is I'll be away from the cop, away from the husband, away from everyone that I know save one good friend who I will be meeting out of state. (no attraction there so not to worry )

I have hope that he will see a doctor shortly. He admitted that he felt bad about the situation but that he has been too embarrassed to confront it.

Wish me luck, I'll try and post on how the trip went and what happens when I get home.

Eve

 

[Eric_L]

While you're out of town, you wanna hook up?

heh - I am so BAD!

I've been thinking. Maybe you really should do this guy. Even get it on video. Then get your husband and his wife together and show them. They'll be so pleased that they'll want to watch more movies that you two will make. Your husband will miraculously be cured of his 'quick-draw' syndrome. He may even share it with his friends, who will also find inspiration. It could ignite a revolution of sexual freedom that releases all of the repressed sexual urges in the world - bringing down extremist radical religious factions, opening repressive regimes and creating harmony among mankind for the first time in recorded history. All because you did 'it' with him!

So there you go, don't do him for yourself. Do him for the WORLD.

 

[Eric_L]

Was just thinking, At some adult novelty stores I think you can buy stuff called 'Extend' or "Xtend" or something like that. Supposed to mumb up your nember. May be worth a shot.(no pun intended) Might be more fun if you show it to him and then put it on him yourself.

Also, has he ever gone for a 'command performance' - twosies, double-header, overtime or whatever you prefer to call it?. With a little patience and arousing teasing it can be done. The second time usually lasts longer. Can do wonders for his self-esteem also. Twosies may not happen on the first try, but it can be a goal.

Gawd, I sound like Dr. Ruth.... I wonder if this will be edited? I figure others may find it useful too.

 

[Bill Cowmeadow]

I too only scanned this thread, here's my very short and terse opinion:

Just because the parties involved are not having sex does not mean it's not an affair.

Nothing good to look forward to here. All bad.

 

[Jack Briggs]

Worse than that almost happened.

One last time: Any further posts that are needlessly suggestive or personal will force this thread's closure. Try to be sympathetic to thread's originator and offer the requested advice. No more of the uncalled-for stuff. Seriously.

 

[Eve T]

While you're out of town, you wanna hook up?

heh - I am so BAD!

I've been thinking. Maybe you really should do this guy. Even get it on video. Then get your husband and his wife together and show them. They'll be so pleased that they'll want to watch more movies that you two will make. Your husband will miraculously be cured of his 'quick-draw' syndrome. He may even share it with his friends, who will also find inspiration. It could ignite a revolution of sexual freedom that releases all of the repressed sexual urges in the world - bringing down extremist radical religious factions, opening repressive regimes and creating harmony among mankind for the first time in recorded history. All because you did 'it' with him!

So there you go, don't do him for yourself. Do him for the WORLD.

Ummmmmmmmkay, was that really necessary? Just so you know... I am a REAL person sitting at this keyboard, and I do have real feelings.
WTF??????????????


Anywayz, thanks for the feedback guys/girls, things are getting a little better here.

Thank you Jack for trying to keep this thread less mean/crude than it has already become. :frowning: