Sticky situation. I need some advice (1 Viewer)

[Eric_L]

Ummmmmmmmkay, was that really necessary? Just so you know... I am a REAL person sitting at this keyboard, and I do have real feelings.

Never let it be said I can't admit when I've made a mistake....

http://www.cardsforfun.com/platinum/...27101637235251

-Sorry

 

[Eve T]

Okay okay, you totally redeemed yourself.
Never let it be said that I can't forgive and forget.
It's all good.

 

[DaveGTP]

That murder story made me think of a good friend of mine (my friend since Kindergarten). His roommate (and good friend) at his college snapped over his girlfriend. I think they broke up again over cheating or something, I don't know too many details. His roommate shot his ex-girlfriend in the head and then committed suicide. Luckily my friend had JUST left the dorm room to go downstairs. Not that this is likely to happen to you, but it is a good reminder that cheating, etc, really heats things up. Cheating makes people crazy (Myself, I wrecked my car after I found out a g/f had been cheating on me).

The getting out of town idea sounds good. A positive move that should either help things or at least let you get clear with yourself. It is a good way to make your husband realize that things are serious, without you cheating and damaging your relationship. Without making things any crazier (it sounds like the cop's wife could be one of these people that would go off the deep end).

Good move! I think a lot of others will agree.

 

[Steve_Tk]

I have not read the whole post so bear with me.

Exercise a little self control. I can't stand people that don't think, and only live in the moment. You kiss this guy, ok, so did you ever even think that you might cause this break up of a marriage.

If you have been unhappy for three years then take control of your life, dump your damn husband. I can see staying with someone for 1 year to see if it works out, but three years? Get over it and give your self a chance to be happy. You have no one to blame but yourself right now.

And also, find some other guy before you go screwing with someone else's relationship. It's unbelievable to me that someone will go for 2 minutes of passion (when you kissed the guy) and possibly start a whole shit storm. Is two minutes worth it?

You said you have feelings, well how would you feel if you were happily married and your husband was making out with another girl? Kinda selfish. yeh I'm being rude but I'm just being blunt.

Get over, don't go out of town to run from this, be strong, break up with this husband, go have all the casual sex you want with single men. Trust me, there are a lot of idiots out there looking for a good one night stand.

Sorry for the lack of sympathy but it's been 3 years of unhappiness, that's beyond the sympathy stage. It's good that you value marriage enough not to divorce from the start (but not value it enough to cheat with another married man), but some people value it way too much and think once you get married you have to stay married, even if it ruins your life. My parents have done it their whole life.

 

[Malcolm R]

I have not read the whole post....

I'd suggest you do. The other married couple aren't exactly angels and this situation certainly isn't all of Eve's making. I think her "values" are just fine in comparison to that other couple.

 

[Michael Hughes]

Eve,

It is difficult to summarize in a few sentences the guidance you may need, but let me offer an opinion. I think your direction into posting here suggests that you already feel guilty in regards with your initial reactions to this flirtation. Which seems to me to suggest if you take this further, you will really feel awful about yourself and cause some emotional collateral damage that will require some heavy repair. I would not listen to the "voice" inside you (brain) but listen to the feelings inside you (gut), they are your true barometer. The essence of being married means you have made a commitment to your partner, the basis for all solid relationships is communication. You need to communicate what happened to you and the other man to your husband immediately, you need to talk to him about your feelings and needs and you need to quickly disengage from mingling with that other couple as soon as possible, you are playing with fire. Cut if off with the other guy immediately and be honest, say you are committed to your husband and leave it at that, if he does not understand that that is his problem. If you are not honest with your husband, he will find out eventually and when he finds out without you telling him first, he will likely react very badly and the relationship will be essentially over, whether you want it to or not. You are at a crossroads of your relationship, the time is now to repair it and make it better than it ever was. You owe it to you and your husband to communicate your feelings to each other and try and fix it, and if it does not work, you owe it to yourself to leave and separate and go your own ways and find someone who you connect with better on all your levels of need.

Good luck

Mike

 

[Jason Merrick]

I think Mike just hit the answer on the head. It sounds like a very difficult path, but will probably be the most honest, helpful thing you could do for your marriage.

(it sounds like the cop's wife could be one of these people that would go off the deep end).

Not to mention she most definitely has access to guns.

People think this kind of thing will never happen to them... but as evidenced in this thread it does. Everyday. I speak from experience, as I am an LAPD 911 Operator.

 

[Eve T]

Well, despite all the wonderful advice here (and I do appreciate it) I'm falling downhill fast.

The hubby still hasn't went to the doctor and still won't talk to me. I know I'm supposed to give an ultimatum but geeze we have been together for a long time.

I'm kinda afraid to be alone and then there is the getting an attorney etc, and I really don't want to end this relationship because of (sex) but I suppose it's much more than the sex (or lack thereof). It's about communication and I just can't seem to break through to him so maybe I'm going to have to move out or something.

I don't have a lot of money so I kinda don't know what to do at this point. I know what not to do which is see the cop but I can't help myself from wanting to. It's kind of nice being able to actually talk to someone who listens for a change.

I haven't done anything with him yet, but I just had lunch with him (alone)and saw him last night,(we all went out together again) I like the way I feel when I'm with him but I know it won't last. I also hate the way I feel when I'm not with him. I'm still holding out, but it gets harder with each passing day.

This whole thing is screwing my mind up so bad that it isn't funny anymore. I think I'm starting to have feelings for him and I don't want to have these feelings because in the end I'll just get hurt. (Yes, I know this) so why is it so hard for me to break away from him?

I'm such a dork.:frowning:

 

[Eric_L]

and then there is the getting an attorney

whoa! lets not jump the gun! There are plenty of steps in the middle that don't require the 'D' word. Don't go from inaction straight to THAT!


Also,
Thanks for your graciousness...


BTW
If your husband won't seek professional help, maybe you should.

 

[Brad Porter]

You asked for advice. The overwhelming majority of the replies have told you two things:
a) Find a way to solve the problem with your husband. Avoidance is bad idea.
b) Break off contact with the cop. Pursuing a relationship with him is a bad idea.

You have done neither of these things.

Why did you ask for advice that you have absolutely no intention of following? Did you think everyone here was lying or just making up their responses?

You face difficult decisions. Nobody denies that. But you are the one that has to act. Knowing the right course of action and not pursuing it doesn't help you at all.

...we have been together for a long time.

Did you get married to him to have a loving relationship or to be together for a long time? If you don't have the former, what point is there to the latter?

We've all tried to be helpful here, Eve. There's nothing more that we can do except a) congratulate you when you do the right thing or b) pull out the "I told you so" line when you don't.

You know what to do.

Brad

 

[Eve T]

) Find a way to solve the problem with your husband. Avoidance is bad idea.

And what would that way be? I've talked till I'm blue in the face with no resolution.

Yes, the thing with the cop IS a bad idea but that doesn't mean it's not a hard call. We oft times do things we know better about because it's just too hard to turn away.

In any event I thank everyone for the advice. I still read over this thread and I've still be good. It's just hard being in the spot that I'm in. It's hard living life this way with someone that doesn't seem to hear you, or even worse.. doesn't care.

 

[Malcolm R]

And what would that way be? I've talked till I'm blue in the face with no resolution.

I think we've told you. You have to do something that will shake him out of his complacency. An ultimatum that things will change or you will leave. A threat that if he doesn't get help in order to meet your needs, you'll find someone who can (but not this cop! Damn, Eve, just about anyone else would be a better option). As long as your husband is sure the status quo will continue, there's no incentive for him to change anything. Very selfish if you ask me; he doesn't seem to care for you very much if he won't acknowledge a problem and get help.

I don't know why you're afraid to be alone. The independence of single life is wonderful. Peace and quiet. You don't have to answer to anyone about where you're going, when you'll be back, who you're with, what you're doing, or why you're doing what you're doing. It's freedom baby, yeaaaaaahhhh!

 

[Brad Porter]

And what would that way be? I've talked till I'm blue in the face with no resolution.

You've been hesitant to identify what the problem with your husband specifically is. Here's what you've written about the relationship with your husband:

------------------------------------------------

"Lately we have been having some trouble (okay, for the last 3 years) of not only an emotional nature but also of a sexual nature."

"Unlike my man he (the cop) takes an interest in me that I haven't seen in some time in my own personal life which makes me feel good."

"There is nothing like living with someone for so many years and being with them in a room and yet feeling more alone than you've ever felt in your life."

"The problem isn't us not being intimate. The problem is that he won't go to the doctor for a problem that he has."

"My husband does do many things for me (not sexual) but still he does care enough to provide for me in other areas. I believe he does love me, but that he is maybe embarrassed by this whole ordeal and doesn't want to admit he has a problem lest that be a strike against his very manhood."

"I'm a home body as the hubby doesn't like to go out and do things, so I've been cooped up in this house until we met these people."

"I have hope that he will see a doctor shortly. He admitted that he felt bad about the situation but that he has been too embarrassed to confront it."

"The hubby still hasn't went to the doctor and still won't talk to me. I know I'm supposed to give an ultimatum but geeze we have been together for a long time."

---------------------------------------------

There seem to be two issues here. The first is that your husband is a selfish lover with a quick trigger. If he isn't concerned enough to see that you are sexually satisfied, then STOP HAVING SEX WITH HIM. You are nothing more than a sex toy to him. He has no motivation to change his behavior if he is still getting what he wants. He apparently doesn't care about your needs.

The second issue seems to be that your husband also isn't providing you the attention or emotional support that you need outside of the bedroom. Did he ever? Has he changed during the marriage? Have your needs changed? Your loneliness, your frustration, and your wandering eye are all the result of him not giving you what you need from a relationship. If you think he can, then communication, therapy, and maybe medication are the path you should follow. If he won't do this for you or if you are certain that he can't give you what you need no matter what help you seek, then you owe it to yourself to find a different partner (but not the cop).

Have you talked to yourself? Do you know what is missing in your life? Make a list and share it with your husband. There is nothing wrong with you being selfish and getting your own needs met, but no one will help you to do this if you don't demand it. Stop sacrificing your own happiness. You deserve to be happy. The affair that you are pondering won't do that for you.

I hope I don't sound mean here because I'm really trying to offer some help. It's just frustrating to watch you suffer over a decision that you already know the answer to. If having an affair with the cop was the right thing for you to do, you never would have asked for advice. Stop blaming yourself for having feelings that are perfectly natural, but don't mistake lust and intrigue for happiness.

Brad

 

[Luis S]

Ive always said some people know good advice when they hear it and some have to learn the hard way.

Eve everyone here has been more than helpful. If you cant make a decision yet than stop wasting everybody's time. Sorry to be mean but whats the point of you asking for advice your not going to listen to? You don't seem to get that going through with an affair isn't just a bad idea its the worst decision you'll ever make!

Everyone here has been looking out for your best interests and yet your still going on about this guy? Isn't the aftermath of what would happen enough to keep you from going through with it? Or for that matter still talking to this creep? If not then nothing said here is of any use to you because you've already made your decision whether you realize it or not.

If going ahead being intimate with this guy seems easier than roughing it out and working on your marriage (No one said it was easy,but if in fact you care you'll do whatever it takes to save it even if it means never seeing the cop again) then just do it. Many here have already warned you,and we all pray that you don't wind up in a dangerous situation as some have mentioned, but KNOW your taking BIG RISKS if you go through with it.This WILL NOT end well no matter what you think. PLEASE for the love of god THINK about the consequences! The trouble that'll come from this cannot be justified by your lust! If that doesn't scare you well then good luck, you'll need it.

Take care,

Luis S

P.s. I know it pretty much goes without saying,but no matter what be safe if you know what I mean. You don't need that complication added to this mess.

P.p.s With regards to you hubby, if hes not making you happy then forget him too.If after EVERY possible attempt has been made to salvage your marriage fails then ditch him.He has it coming at that point. You can meet alot of good people out there when your single. And it would be alot easier than what your putting your self through.Think about it...

 

[Julian Reville]

Speaking from first hand experience, I can honestly say that this kind of illicit affair can be the most exciting thing in the world, also the most destructive.

In mine, the "other woman" went back to her hubby after about a year, and my "live together for a while" fiance moved out, and married someone else 6 months later. Meanwhile I remain single and resonably content.

Eve, for your sake, I hope your hubby doesn't read this thread. I would rather hear something like this face to face than read about it on the internet.

 

[Glenn Overholt]

I'm not going to bitch, but you need to follow through.

First, you always say that you'll leave him. Can you toss him out? Leave his clothes and stuff out on the front porch/steps?

Contrary to what others have said, living alone can suck the big one! (I know) Can you get a friend to move in for support for a few weeks? Or you move in with her?

Are there any in-laws nearby that you can dump on? Or even any relatives? They might have some solutions for you that we don't. Maybe even someone at work.

Tomorrow is Friday, an excellant day to set this in motion.

Best of luck
Glenn

 

[Vickie_M]

None of us can help her. This is not about lust. This is a self-esteem issue. She hates herself, thinks all she deserves are either guys who'll pay the bills but won't care enough about her to seek help, or low-lifes who live the phrase "have your cake and eat it too" and take advantage of her. She doesn't like to be alone because she doesn't think she's very good company. She's got it bad and that ain't good. It'll all end in tears, we all know it, she knows it. She thinks she deserves it. And as long as I'm popping some psychology, I'd bet my life savings she was molested as a child. Such children very often go through phases of self-hatred and self-destructiveness.

Eve, I'd suggest you get counseling, a valuable tool which can help you and is what you really need to start liking yourself again and want to be good, do the right thing, and be strong and take care of yourself, and make this blackness in your life go away, but you don't really want our advice. You want us to watch as you fall into this pit of despair that's going to make you feel bad, your husband feel bad, your boyfriend's wife feel bad, everybody who knows you and them feel bad, and us feel bad. The only one who'll probably come out of this feeling jaunty and happy and cocky is the cop. Unless his psycho bitch wife kills him. And you.

And then we'll all read about it in the papers.

Please Eve. You have the choice.

 

[Luis S]

Well I think Vickie's comments pretty much sum it up. Quite nicely in fact. Eve your gonna do what you gonna do regardless of what anybody tells you. Just be sure you give some SERIOUS consideration to what Vickie just said. It sums up your situation and what your facing. Nobody deserves to be miserable. Do yourself a favor and pull yourself out of this rut. Its the begining of a long journey,but one that will benifit you with every step.

Good luck,
Luis S

 

[Joe Szott]

I think this thread is over, nothing more to say that hasn't been said. Let us know if you need more support Eve. Otherwise, it's time to either do something about this decision or choose to just drift along some more. Either way, the foks here have offered all they can, up to you now.

 

[Jeff Gatie]

I also think Vickie nailed it on the head. In my personal life, the two most important things ever said to me are the following:

"Some where along the line you stop being a victim and start being a volunteer"

and

"You have to decide if you want help from those giving advice or just a long list of witnesses to your self-assassination. After all it is your choice"