The ultimate downer............divorce :>( (1 Viewer)

[Dean DeMass]

Wow, what a difference and a good argument can do for a marriage. I told my wife yesterday that I do not want her to run away from this problem and to stay and work this out. I told her that I was tired of her being a selfish brat and that the world does not revolve around her. This really hit her hard and things started to come into perspective for her. She is starting to realize that even though we are having a rough time in our marriage, we can overcome it and be stronger. She does have something going on in her mind and she is going to see a counselor to figure out what it is. I am going to see one as well and if we still need to, we are going to go to marriage counselling together.

We had a good and productive conversation last night and she is finally starting to she through her selfishness that we both made a commitment to each other and we should not throw it away because we are unhappy at this moment in our life. I actually slept good last night for the 1st time in a month. I hope things are going to get better and I honestly think they are now. My heart and mind are feeling a bit better and so lets hope that my wife and I don't add to that horrible statistic known as divorce.

Thank you for everything everyone and I will keep you all posted.

-Dean-

 

[Brad_W]

Good for you Dean. I hope all works out for the best.

 

[Matt Butler]

Dean,

I dont know you but I wish you the best!

Matt

 

[Scott Strang]

Always remember this; that which does not kill you will only make you stronger. Trust me; someday you'll look back at this and wonder why you ever cared.

I waited until I was over 30 to get married (only marriage I've had). The very idea of my wife and I separating is very depressing, but I realize that it happens every day to people who, at one time, thought they'd be together forever.

I've been through breakups that hurt, but I'm sure divorce is torture.

 

[JohnRice]

I can relate. My wife needed to pursue "Her Truth" and spend time alone. "I don't know if I will ever have another relationship" she said. Of course, it was all a lie. It was funny in When Harry met Sally, but it isn't in real life. I suppose it is no surprise that it was also "Her Truth" that we should get married in the first place. She is actually the one who asked me, which I thought was a good sign, since her entire family has an incredibly bad history where marriage is concerned. I can't even blame youth. She was 33 and I was two weeks short of 35 when we got married.

 

[Michael Mathius]

You are in my prayers. Since you asked for prays I think that this is as good a time for you to start too. Dean I really hope things workout for you. God bless.

Quote "I have to buy some new furniture 1st for the Mrs."

Have you done this yet?

 

[Dean DeMass]

Have you done this yet?

Yup, bought her the new couch, dining set, and bakers rack that she wanted.
Last night went pretty good. I prepared a nice candlelight dinner for us. When she got home and saw all the lights off with candles lit everywhere, she asked what was going on? I then told I thought we would have a nice candlelight dinner together. It was the 1st time in several weeks that she had such a big smile on her face.
After dinner I took her shopping since she needed new pants for work. We had a nice evening together and have now slept comfortably together, two nights in a row, in the same bed. Today is her 1st counseling session. I hope it goes well.
Another thing that made me feel positive again is she is starting to tell me about houses that are for sale again. We wanted to sell our house and buy a bigger one. All of this talk stopped awhile ago and now it seems to have started again. I think this is a good sign.
I am taking things a day at a time and I hope each day gets better. Thanks again everyone.
-Dean-

 

[Tommy G]

Dean, you hit the nail on the head when you said

I told her that I was tired of her being a selfish brat and that the world does not revolve around her.

This is the reason for probably all divorces. Just remember that it is a two way street with selfishness. My wife and I were heading in the same direction but we made a commitment in our pre-marital counseling to never mention divorce during a fight. This is something we could always bring out during one of our battles to get us focused on the issue at hand. I, personally, believe that as the man I have to be the more sacrificial one. I started doing this more and more and trying to be completely selfless and it is amazing what happened. All of a sudden my wife is incredibly selfless. It is this attitude which has caused us to be more in love than the day we married. It seems as if you are trying this method with the candlelight dinner and the shopping. I would also recommend a book called "Incompatibility: Grounds for a Perfect Marriage". It uses humor and makes a lot of sense. I don't recall who the author is but the recipe for a great marriage is there. BTW, I did say a prayer for you and your wife.

 

[Kyle Richardson]

Good for you Dean! I hope everything works well for both of you. Do you feel like you have to start "dating" again to get to know each other again and grow closer?

 

[Dean DeMass]

Kyle,

I am not sure. I think it is more of my wife figuring out who she is. I am starting to learn more and more about my wife the more I think about it. She like to be the center of attention and she is very high maintenance. She changes like the wind and changes her mind more times in one day than I do in an entire month. My wife is acting very selfish and was claiming she needed to be independent. My wife has the most freedom she could possibley have while being married. The only thing she cannot do is see other people (duh). If she wants to stay out until 3:00 in the morning with her friends, I don't mind. We have a very trusting relationship and we both give each other a lot of freedom. She agrees with this and again she changed her mind about what she wanted. She has a problem with staying foused on things and she is very antsy (sp?). She has a hard time relaxing and focusing sometimes. She had problems in the past and the only person who helped her is the counsellor she is starting to see today. She trusts this person and she really knows how to talk to my wife. From what I understand she has a daughter who is almost identical to my wife, so she knows how to handle this. I have a feeling that my wife is starting to understand that I am not giving in to her demands like I did this past weekend. Just because she wants something today, doesn't mean she wants it tomorrow. Her parents think I am too easy going with her and I need to be a bit more strict with her. I hate to do that, but it worked in this case written below.....

I told her if she gives up she can have nothing except the clothes on her back and her car. That was it. When she realized I wasn't going to be civil about this and that I want to try to fix this and not run away, it hit her hard. I use to run away from my problems and I learned to not do that anymore. So now I deal with my problems head on. She doesn't and I think she is starting to realize that she needs to. She isn't a teenager anymore and she needs to learn that working out your problems will make you stronger and a better person.

Tommy,

Thanks for the book recommendation. I checked it out on Amazon and Barnes & Noble and it is out of print. However, I can get it used and the same people also wrote a follow up to it. I am going to get them both because they sound like something that we could really use.

-Dean-

 

[Andrew W]

How about....

Top ten reasons not to get a divorce.

I'll try to think of a few.

1) Somebody has to move and moving sucks.

2) Dealing with Lawyers sucks.

3) Fighting over pets.

4) Makes the kids unhappy.

Alright, somebody else will have to add some more.

 

[Tommy G]

Dean, I'm happy you're making an effort. It is a big time struggle for my wife and me to find things in common.

I like old movies....she hates old movies

I like sports........she hates sports

I am a politics junkie....she hates politics

She likes to talk at the end of the day....I want silence

For vacations she wants to go far away....I want to stay home

She likes skiing....I think of it as paying a lot of money to be cold

I like playing golf....she would rather stick a pin in her eye

Those are just a few of the highlights but we do love to go out to eat together and that is what we tend to do when we want to be alone and away from the kids. Hang in there, you've got a lot of people pulling for you on this forum. They're a great bunch!

 

[Trey Fletcher]

I was shocked that her parents don't even want her to come home until we work this out, they are that pissed.

I applaud her parents for this "tough love." When my wife and I got married two years ago, my parents made it blatantly clear that their house was not to be used as a place for us to run from any marriage problems. I know for a fact that if I showed up on their doorstep in the middle of the night, seeking refuge because Jen and I were fighting, that they would tell me to go home. Sounds harsh, but it was one of the most reassuring things my parents could have said. In fact, we both smiled in agreement when they said it.

Dean, my prayers are with you in this trying time. I'm confident that you are taking the right steps in the way you aren't giving up, have sought counseling, and continue both to support and date your wife. I believe you have received some excellent advice from the people here, and know you can continue to come here for support. God Bless. TF

 

[Patrick Sun]

Just to throw in a "The green is always greener" comment:

Sometimes, a divorce is the right thing to do if being together becomes detrimental to either partner's growth. If you're not growing together, you're growning apart.

I know a few divorced people who are so much more happier now because their partner just brought out such negative eomtions and energies out of them. How that's Kenny Rogers' song go?

"You got know when to hold'em, know when to fold'em,

know when to walk away and know when to run,

You never count your money sitting at the table,

they'll be time enough for counting when the dealing's done."

 

[Dean DeMass]

Patrick,

The thing about our relationship is that we don't piss each other off and we don't create a bunch of negativity. Our problem is we don't know how to compromise. Also, my wife was scared she might hurt my feelings if she said something about being unhappy with the way I was acting or the way I did something. She held it all in and then she just became filled up with negative energy. I told her if she would have said something a long time ago, we wouldn't be going through this. Again, my wife has a problem with running away from her problems. She needs to face the facts and deal with them, which I hope she is trying to do.

-Dean-

 

[Jason Handy]

In my humble opinion, one of the most important skills to have in a relationship is to know how to fight with your partner. Of course too much fighting is just as bad, but I hear about couples that never fight, and then after 3 years they have their first disagreement and it shatters everything.
The reality is that every couple will have their differences, and arguing is a natural way to resolve them. The key is to never insult, threaten, or demean your partner while doing it. Dean, it sounds like you two don't have that problem, but I have met so many people that use past grievances as leverage in arguments they know they can not win :frowning:.
When my wife and I (6 months married as of yesterday) disagree on something, we always sit down and try to figure out the root cause of the problem. Impassively, politely, and honestly. 99.9% of the time we realize that we are actually in AGREEMENT! But her female perspective sometimes casts an opinion that my humble male brain can not process properly and I interpret it wrong.
Sorry this is so long, and I know that being married only 6 months is not a long time, but I just thought my 2 cents would help. I hope that you and your wife can work things out, and never underestimate the power of a hug and a kiss - they move mountains.
Jason

 

[Patrick Sun]

Dean, I wasn't directing my advice to you personally, but just that sometimes it's best to part ways for some people who become water and oil.
Now, putting on my faux-marital counselor hat (mind you, I've never been married, and probably stink at compromise, etc), I will say that what you have described is a lack of open communication between you and your wife. You are both avoiders, not confronters. That's just as bad a combination sometimes because you let things simmer until they come to a boil and become unbearable.
You have to convince your wife to "let you in" when things bother her and will have to just flat out listen to her (the very act of listening goes a long ways to placating wives, so says John Gray) and let her talk it out. You don't even have to offer suggestions, just listen to her concerns and adjust your behavior accordingly. You don't have to suggest rigid solutions, but provide a framework to face the problem. If your behavior is the problem, don't tell her you'll change, but do enough change to make her happy as long as it is allows you your dignity.
Be receptive, but don't become a doormat either. This is a partnership, no matter what else is said, and what troubles her, troubles you. You both should be each other's champion, and face problems together, resolve them quickly, and move on the better times.
Also, this does not mean that you have to play shining knight coming to the rescue, no, give her ample room to explore solutions on her own, women are very resourceful, treat them with respect, knowing they want your support, but have their own inner strength to deal with life's challenges.
Anyhow, the main thing is to communicate openly, and maintain those lines of communication. You should never feel like you're walking on egg-shells in your own home in the presence of your spouse. But you should also be considerate of your spouse's needs.
Okay, I think the rental on the faux-marital counselor hat has come due.

 

[Dean DeMass]

Excellent advice Patrick. That is the funny thing about my wife and I. When we 1st started dating, I didn't talk about things. She taught me to do that. I opened up and now she is closing up. Weird, huh?

-Dean-

 

[Patrick Sun]

Dean, I'm now in my mid-30's, but that just gives me plenty of years to see where my friends have gone right and wrong in their marriages/relationships.

I've seen marriages work, and marriages crumble. I've seen my best childhood friend neutered by his marriage (IMHO), but he choose to turn himself into being the most loving husband a man can be (even if his wife can be a total beeyotch to the rest of us) and it works for them.

Finding that common ground from which you can work out your problems is the best foundation you can build up from the ground up to go forward in your relationship.

While no 2 relationships are the same, many successful relationship have many commonalities, 2 of which are trust and communication, with love and understanding buffering the differences between the personality types.

In relationships that crumble, when one of the parties has "tuned out" of the relationship, rarely do good things happen. When one partners decides that the other can't give them what they need ("wants" are different than "needs") then it's time to cash in your chips and look for another table to play at. I categorize "needs" as being among other things the emotional support (being there for one another), the spiritual support, the things that nurture the relationship; I categorize "wants" as being among other things as material stuff, the superfluous, superficial stuff that gets divided in a divorce settlement.

 

[JohnRice]

Quote:

This statement struck home for me, because in the end this is the one limitation my wife will not accept. Her family history shows that there are at least three generations of conditioning that have helped get her to this. We were together for seven years, and this one thing was always a struggle. I have been amazed how much support, particularly "religious" support she has been able to find to encourage various forms of infidelity.
She left once and I had pretty much given up hope when she decided to come back. I sat her down and asked her if this is really what she wanted. I pointed out what marriage meant to me and that it is not easy or convenient and that I took the vows seriously and forever, and that she needed to feel the same way and that she needed to genuinely agree with that. She swore she had decided it was "Her Truth" and that she would stick around through thick and thin.
Of course, in the end, the truth is that she expects to be pursued at all times. She doesn't seem to be able to understand how cruel that is, not to mention just plain impossible, from one person anyway. She does not seem to be able to "turn it off" and stop making herself available to others. I think she believes, deep down, that she shouldn't have to. Don't get me wrong. It's not like I think I am some prince. I can be a royal pain in the ass quite a bit of the time.
I guess that is more than enough of a rant. check out the book I suggested and good luck.