The ultimate downer............divorce :>(

Discussion in 'Archived Threads 2001-2004' started by Dean DeMass, Jan 19, 2002.

  1. Dean DeMass

    Dean DeMass Screenwriter

    Joined:
    Jun 30, 1997
    Messages:
    1,826
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    0
    Well, I have officially have had the worst day of my life. Today my wife and I decided to call it quits. My body and mind feels like I have been hit by a train. I now know what too many people before me have had to go through. I don't wish this on any married couple. [​IMG]
    I think we just got married too young and we eventually grew apart. My family problems were part of it. They dragged me down pretty low, and with it went my relaitionship with my wife. She changed and I really didn't and that kind of bummed her out. I did eventually grow up and become more responsible, more confident, and stronger, but I think it was just too late. We tried a bit of counseling but that didn't work. I think it would of worked about 6-10 months ago, but I didn't know we had a problem then and my wife wasn't sure either.
    Who knows, maybe some time apart is what we really need. I told her, if she decides she wants to come back, she is welcome too, but once that divorce is final, it will be harder for me to take her back. We also agreed that if we did get back together after we divorced, we would not get remarried. She wants to stay friends but I cannot do that. Just seeing her would be too painful and seeing her with someone else later on down the line would be way to weird for me. I do still have a tiny bit of hope that we may work this out after some time apart.
    I know that I will not get married again. Once was enough and the heartache is just too great to ever have to go through again. The problem with this is trying to meet a girl who is OK with this. [​IMG]
    I am not a very religious person, but for you people who are, I wouldn't mind a prayer being said for us. I actually would appreciate it very much. The Home Theater Forum is a great place to come when you just want to have fun and discuss the hobby we love, but it is also a great place to come when you are dealing with real problems that are not as trivial as OAR and DVD extras, because the people who are here are good people and real people, and they do care.
    Thanks for listening.
    -Dean-
     
  2. Ike

    Ike Screenwriter

    Joined:
    Jan 14, 2000
    Messages:
    1,672
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    0
    I had a divorce in my family recently, and I know what a pain they are. You think it's always something else you won't have to deal with, but when it hits you, it's massive.

    My thoughts go out to you Dean. It'll take a while, but you'll hopefully bounce back.

    Sorry for you, man.
     
  3. JasonK

    JasonK Supporting Actor

    Joined:
    May 10, 2000
    Messages:
    676
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    0
    I'm sorry to hear this Dean. A buddy of mine just went thru a divorce, he also got married too soon. (I think he was 18-19 when they tied the knot.) Good luck with whatever decision you and your wife decide on.

    -Jason
     
  4. Jeff_A

    Jeff_A Screenwriter

    Joined:
    Mar 6, 2001
    Messages:
    1,454
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    0
    Dean,
    Nothing I could say will make you feel better right now. For that, I am very sorry. I would ask that you remember to lean on your friends and family at this time. It really is situations like this, that remind us what they are there for. And of course, we are always here! [​IMG]
    Good luck and remember to eat!
     
  5. Pamela

    Pamela Supporting Actor

    Joined:
    Mar 14, 2001
    Messages:
    779
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    0
    Dean-

    My thoughts are with you and I'm sending prayers and good thoughts your way! Take comfort in the support of your friends and family. They can be a tremendous help in tough times like these.

    My best to you...
     
  6. Romier S

    Romier S Producer

    Joined:
    Sep 2, 1999
    Messages:
    3,526
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    0
    I am saddened to hear about your divorce Dean. I wish you the best of luck.
    As a 24 year old who is about to get married in about 2 months this really hits home with me. I have been with my soon to be wife for almost 6 years now. Through the years I have jokingly called her my wife since we have been together for so long. We recently decided to finally go through with the deed. I'm quite looking forward to the day I can actually call her my wife now[​IMG]
    We have had our ups and downs and allot of times we have talked about that "we have changed" feeling. It comes with time I guess. My Sara is definitely not the woman I knew 5 years ago but I still love her more than anything. I just had to fall in love with the new her. Give it time Dean, if she was truly meant to be yours she will be back and don't give up on finding love again. It happens when you least expect it.
     
  7. DanaA

    DanaA Screenwriter

    Joined:
    Nov 21, 2001
    Messages:
    1,843
    Likes Received:
    1
    Trophy Points:
    0
    I said a prayer for you before posting Dean. I know you're suffering and I really hope you can feel better. One thing I do hold as true is that time does heal. I really hope that a year from now you can post that your life has taken some wonderful turns. Keep us posted.
     
  8. Cees Alons

    Cees Alons Moderator
    Moderator

    Joined:
    Jul 31, 1997
    Messages:
    19,449
    Likes Received:
    337
    Trophy Points:
    9,110
    Real Name:
    Cees Alons
    That's really very sad news Dean. So bad it didn't work out between the two of you.

    You seem to place some guilt at yourself, and that's better than blaming everything on your wife, but in fact when things go wrong it's seldom a question of "faults" being made or having been made. Unless one of you really wanted it to fail, which from your words is clearly not true, it isn't simply a couple of errors that could easily have been avoided. We all are the way we are, and although we differ from "things" by having a brain and being able to pursue causes and change ill behaviour for the better, we may and sometimes will fail even when doing that.

    Dean prayers and thoughts for both of you, that whatever way, whatever may come of this, you'll find happiness in life.

    Cees
     
  9. Sean Conklin

    Sean Conklin Screenwriter

    Joined:
    Oct 30, 2000
    Messages:
    1,720
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    0
    Dean, I am going through the same thing! You can check my post over in the Polls section.

    It hurts, it hurts bad I know. Do you have any kids?

    After 13 years she says she wants a separation. Well we got into a fight again tonight, and she took off to her friends house, it is hard to concentrate when sh*t like this is going down. I feel very much alone, most of my family is scattered around the country, except for my brother who lives in the next town over, but he is on his 3rd marriage and is married now to someone I do not much care for, so I can't go to him for support.

    Hell, if I can get over her(I loved her, but rarely liked her), I can finally get on with my life, MY WAY!

    Seriously, she has some serious issues, and she is completely unreasonable.

    Good Luck Dean! We must be strong!
     
  10. DonnyD

    DonnyD Screenwriter

    Joined:
    Jun 12, 1999
    Messages:
    1,145
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    0
    Sorry 'bout all that Dean and Sean. People DO change and sometimes it is not for the benefit of the pair.

    Having been there and done that (with kids too), life will ease up off your shoulders with time. You've heard the old saying" what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger". Just don't let the experience make you bitter at yourself or others and make sure you get some support from friends who are REALLY friends.

    I've been "d" for over 10 years now but it didn't take nearly that long to find that I was better off for it. Believe in yourself and set some small goals about YOUR own life... and get on with it. Sometimes you'll note that the Significant Other can't stand the idea of you looking like you can really go on by yourself.

    These HTF'ers seem to have a heart even though we also have an ear to a speaker and our eye to the screen. Great place huh?!!!
     
  11. Paul Hillenbrand

    Paul Hillenbrand Screenwriter

    Joined:
    Aug 16, 1998
    Messages:
    1,736
    Likes Received:
    476
    Trophy Points:
    1,610
    Real Name:
    Paul Hillenbrand
    Dean,

    Hang in there buddy. Posting this shows you care a great deal about where you are and how your feeling. We hear it and empathize with you.

    Caring is your greatest human asset. Prayers are with you for your purposeful recovery and why is not always clear.

    All the best.

    Paul
     
  12. Joel Mack

    Joel Mack Cinematographer

    Joined:
    Jun 29, 1999
    Messages:
    2,317
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    0
    Dean,

    I'm there with you, too, buddy. My marriage looks to be heading the same route (if you remember my thread from Christmas). It's hard, but you can get though it.

    Hang in there.
     
  13. Stacy Huff

    Stacy Huff Second Unit

    Joined:
    Jul 13, 1999
    Messages:
    378
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    0
    I went through this a couple of years ago. In fact, the two year anniversary of my divorce is coming up on Valentine's Day. All of these situations are different, but they also share some things in common. I think that they pretty much universally suck.
    But life goes on. Long before Tom Hanks was in Cast Away, telling himself to keep breathing because you don't know what the tide might bring, I had adopted a similar attitude for myself. I actually remember telling myself to keep breathing, because the sun would come up tomorrow, and who knows what might happen (I live in the mountains so I didn't think much about the tide). Just to prove myself right, on the day that my now ex- decided that time apart hadn't changed anything and that she wanted a divorce, I gave myself a concussion at work. That's perhaps no big deal in some professions, but I'm an attorney and I work in an office. Sure, attorneys probably get concussions all the time, but those cases involve angry clients. I did it to myself (accidently hit my head on a mantle). It was at that point that I learned never to tell myself that things can't get worse. That's just tempting fate. Instead, I just decided to keep plugging along, to see what new interesting things tomorrow might bring.
    Now, everybody's sitatuion will be different. I'm just telling you my story to illustrate the point that you never know what might happen. For me, my "sail" came in the fall of 2000 when someone suggested that I apply for a Rotary Club group exchange program. For those that don't know, the Rotary Clubs do great work, and one of the programs that they sponsor is a foreign exchange program for professional, non-Rotarians between the ages of about 25 and 40. You go to another country, live with Rotarians, and basically get to see how your profession looks in another country. The real gold is meeting people. It's a great program. I highly recommend that people look into it.
    As for me, I applied and got selected to take part in a group that spent a month in Argentina last spring. I figured that I'd never have the opportunity again, so I'd make it my own personal version of Road Rules (I was too old to be on that show anyway). As it so happens, fate stepped in. We arrived in Argentina, and, unbeknownst to me, at the last minute I was switched from one host family to another, a family of doctors who also happened to have a daughter who was a doctor. She had traveled 3 hours from Buenos Aires to meet the Americans, and when we were late, decided to stay the night even though that meant she had to catch a bus at 4 the next morning in order to get back for work. We talked, and as it turns out she had recently separated from her husband of about 8 months. He had decided that marriage wasn't for him. Well, we hit it off, and over the month that I was there we realized that we had something. She visited me for 10 days in June, then came back and spent October through December with me. I leave tomorrow to go spend 2 weeks in Argentina with her. While the craziness of the world right now makes it difficult, eventually I'm going to import this girl to be with me.
    Which just goes to show that you never know what might happen. When I got selected for the Rotary team and my friends asked why I was going to Argentina, I always joked that I was going to find a girl. Little did I know that would be the case. I didn't really look for it. It just happened, and it has been the best thing that has ever happened to me in the history of my life. In fact, although I would have never guessed it at the time I was going through the worst of it, I can now see that the divorce was for the best, for both me and my ex. We weren't happy together. In fact, until I met Viviana I didn't know what happy was. I certainly never felt what I'm feeling now the first time through, which just tells me that that the first time was a mistake. If you want to put a face on this happy little story of mine, click here:
    http://rotarygse.eku.edu/chacabuco/125adiosIGEs.jpg
    Anyway, hang in there. Who knows what possibilities will come along tomorrow. You just have to get through today to find out. I'm off to bed now. I start traveling tomorrow. The worst part about a long distance relationship is the long distance...
     
  14. PatrickM

    PatrickM Screenwriter

    Joined:
    Aug 10, 2000
    Messages:
    1,138
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    0
    Dean,

    Sorry to hear about your situation. Try to keep your head up. It is a tough thing to do and go through. But, remember never to say never. Life has a funny way of hitting you with awful things and then lifting you up when you least expect it.

    Patrick
     
  15. Scott Hayes

    Scott Hayes Second Unit

    Joined:
    Oct 2, 2001
    Messages:
    357
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    0
    A friend of mine is in the process of getting a divorce. Completely out of the blue his wife packed up and left him and the kids. It was quite a shock, not only for him but everyone else as well. He didn't have a clue that anything was wrong.

    Its been two months since she left and he is doing better, starting to go out and meet people and enjoy life again. It will take a while but you will heal. Let the people around you support and help you thru this hard time.

    You have my sympathy.
     
  16. Dean DeMass

    Dean DeMass Screenwriter

    Joined:
    Jun 30, 1997
    Messages:
    1,826
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    0
    Thanks for all of the replies and prayers. You folks do not know how much it is appreciated. Just to let you know we have no kids and she is 24 and I will be 27 in one month. We have been together for over 6 years and married for 2 1/2 years.

    Joel, I remembered your thread and if you remember, I posted in it as well. I was just hoping it wouldn't get this bad for either of us.

    Yesterday didn't turn out to be as bad. My wife and I decided not to divorce just yet. We are going to try seperation and do a bunch more counseling. She doesn't want to get a divorce and then a year down the line realize she mad a big mistake. We both still love each other tremendously and we honestly do want this thing to work. I am statring to get a bit more hope back but I am not letting my hopes get too high. My wife is a wonderful woman and if or marriage does end, I will be saddenend, but I will get over it. Things are starting to look up just a bit.

    What was weird is when I told my mom, sister, and my uncle they were very supportive and wished the best for both of us, but they hoped we could work it out since they care for both of us so much. However, when my wife told her parents and her aunt, they just chewed her ass out for giving up on our marriage and not really trying to work it out. They don't believe that we have given it enough time. They told her that there are times where you will have to fall in love with each other again and that is a part of marriage. They just think my wife is making a huge mistake by wanting to end it (I agree) and that we both don't know how to compromise (I agree). They don't like the fact that she runs away from her problems too much and that she can't stick to her guns in tough situations. This is the reason that my wife is going to go to one on one counseling as well. They don't even want us to seperate yet. I was shocked that her parents don't even want her to come home until we work this out, they are that pissed. I don't agree with the way they are treating my wife but maybe that is what she needed. My wife wants to live on her own for awhile and have her own place and what not, and I have told her being independant isn't as great as it sounds. You may have freinds and family that love you, but in the end you are still coming home to an empty home. But if that is what she needs to realize that our marriage is a good thing than that is fine. We both agreed that we would not date or see other people while we are seperated and if we wanted to that we would let the other person know and then put the marriage out to pasture. I told my wife that I didn't marry her to share her and I didn't marry her so she could share me. I beleive in our commitment and as long as we are still leagally married, I wil stand by that commitment and she will to.

    I hope any of you folks that have seperated and then have had their marriage work out can post here or drop me an e-mail to give some helpful advice. Hell, advice from anyone would be much appreciated.

    Again, thanks for listening and for caring.

    -Dean-
     
  17. Cees Alons

    Cees Alons Moderator
    Moderator

    Joined:
    Jul 31, 1997
    Messages:
    19,449
    Likes Received:
    337
    Trophy Points:
    9,110
    Real Name:
    Cees Alons
    Dean,

    I think you and your wife both have very wise parents. They apparently know their children extremely well. Very well indeed!

    Cees
     
  18. Dean DeMass

    Dean DeMass Screenwriter

    Joined:
    Jun 30, 1997
    Messages:
    1,826
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    0
    Cees,

    I think you are right. BTW, Happy Belated Birthday!

    -Dean-
     
  19. DaveF

    DaveF Moderator
    Moderator

    Joined:
    Mar 4, 2001
    Messages:
    18,857
    Likes Received:
    1,860
    Trophy Points:
    9,110
    Location:
    One Loudoun, Ashburn, VA
    Real Name:
    David Fischer
    Condolences and sympathy, Dean.

     
  20. Cees Alons

    Cees Alons Moderator
    Moderator

    Joined:
    Jul 31, 1997
    Messages:
    19,449
    Likes Received:
    337
    Trophy Points:
    9,110
    Real Name:
    Cees Alons
     

Share This Page