The insanity of "Starter Marriages". (1 Viewer)

[Ross Williams]

http://cbsnews.com/earlyshow/enterta...marriage.shtml
This is a problem that I've had with a lot of Americans for a while. Now there is a book coming out on the subject.
What is this obsession about being married all about? People seem to place being married above actually being in love with somebody first. It's unbelievable to me how many women place the importance of how big their wedding ring is above the quality of man their marrying. It seems like anybody that's been in a relationship for more than a year puts tremendous pressure on themselves on taking that next step. Why not actually find that person you actually want to spend the rest of your life with, instead of settling for somebody you can tolerate for year.
Way too many people let "society" push them into stupid decisions.

 

[Jagan Seshadri]

Ah, the marriage panic, mostly felt by women in the 25-30 year old range.

People are afraid of being lonely, ultimately, but they often don't even know who they themselves are or what they want in a partner.

-JNS

 

[Dean DeMass]

Don't even get me started on marriage.........
I am just glad I am over mine.
-Dean-

 

[Joseph Young]

A sizable number of my friends and acquaintances have done this. After two weeks: "He/she's the one. I love him/her. I want to spend the rest of my life with him/her. There is no question he/she's the one." After another two weeks, they are married. After a few years they are still happy they made that decision. This is just my experience, and maybe I'm the exception, but none of the quick, spontaneous marriages I've been witness to have dissolved yet.

I know I'm playing devil's advocate, but perhaps some people just make up their minds easily. Maybe some of these people just fall in love, and stay in love, quickly and easily. Good for them.

My personal, subjective feelings on this, however, are somewhat less apologetic and clouded by jealousy that these people can be so decisive and fearless.

-J

 

[Micheal]

I didn't get married until I was with my spouse for 5 years. After that I decided (with no pressure from her) to ask her to spend the rest of her life with me. She accepted and here we are...
I don't agree with "hey.., we're in love and we've only been together for a week so let's get married!" but it has been known to work from time to time.
Of course if I went by "said" logic I would have probably married the wrong women, divorced, remarried, divorced..., you get the picture.

 

[Ross Williams]

I'm not talking about quick, good marriages. It's not so much the speed that concerns me. It's the fact that, to so many people, marriage is more important than the person they're marrying. It's all about the big rock, the big wedding and the status of being married.

 

[Mike Broadman]

I doubt you'll find many disagreeing with you, Ross. Obviously people want to marry someone they're in love with.

However, many, if not most, are faced with a dilemma: marry someone you're not that mad about, or is "good enough," or be alone forever. Most choose the former.

 

[Ron-P]

Most people don't try anymore and just give up. Divorce is the easy way out. Marriage is work, lots of work, most people don't want to put in the work. It's truely sad to see the rate of divorce lately. I just past my 10 year anniversay, here's to the next 30+.
Peace out~

 

[Steven K]

I'm getting married next month... what's truly amazing is how so many people are trying to give me marriage advice, yet they are now divorced and lonely themselves...

Having someone tell you "I learned the hard way" is acceptable. However, it's hard for me to take marriage advice seriously from someone who's marriage has ended up in the can.

 

[Pamela]

I agree that too many people get married just for the sake of being married. It's a pressure of our society. Grow up> get married> have children.
But not me, mister. I'm an avowed singleton. Never to be betrothed or shackled. I like my single life way too much. Boytoys...er...I mean male companionship is nice, but a husband...nooooooo way. As Carrie said on Sex and the City, "I'm missing the bridal gene."

 

[Ron-P]

I, opposite of Pamela, love being married and would not change it for the world. Being single for me was fun in High-School, but now, no way.
Peace Out~

 

[Danny R]

I'm going to be celebrating my 10th anniversary this April. Since we had 2.5 years of dating, followed by a 2.5 year engagement, that will make 15 years of being a couple this July 4th.
Thus I think I am qualified to give the secrets to a happy marriage:Threesomes!!!
Just kidding.

 

[Ron-P]

Congrats Danny. That is the same with my wife and I. We dated 4 years, then were engaged for 1, and have been married for 10, 15 years total.
Peace Out~

 

[Joseph Young]

Congrats, Ron, on the first 10 years! I really admire people who can see marriage as a commitment and not as a status symbol or a tax benefit (and believe me, a handful of my friends feel that way).
I attended a wedding last Summer up in rustic Ukiah, for two longtime friends. Everyone was moved witnessing years of their commitment came to a natural and passionate fruition. This, to me, is marriage. I was overwhelmed at the power of marriage if two people have already spent years developing a rapport and an understanding.
I am the perennial bachelor and find myself at the opposite spectrum from those who find their love early and maintain it from then on. My ephemeral and passionate demeanor has framed the way I approach relationships, so I have drifted in and out of 'could have beens' and 'should have beens.' As I grew up (a little bit hehe) and began deconstructing my bachelorhood in earnest, I could only see myself marrying someone I had known and loved for the longest period of time, despite years of tribulations and animosity and struggle. But alas she did not feel the same, so I continue to search.
I short, I understand the passions that compell virtual strangers in this society to fling themselves into a union.. i have felt such urges myself and came very close to doing the same thing a few times. There is a kind of longing and desperation in such acts... but beyond that, a genuine desire to do right by somebody, to make something work. Who am I to judge if they will be successful or not?
Cheers,
Joseph

 

[Micheal]

Talk is cheap!
There is something to be said about getting together in front of family and friends to make a vow to love and care for one another forever.
If you do it out of love there is nothing better.
If you do it out of pressure,... it's usually over before it began.

 

[Bill Catherall]

I think one of the main problems is that many couples (or young girls especially) think that marriage is the end, the pinnicle, it's the final resting place of all dating/relationship woes. Not so! It's just the beginning of something new. Sure the "dating game" is over, but you can't stop doing the things you did when you were dating. You haven't reached the peak of your relationship, you've just started.
My wife and I dated for 3.5 years before we got married. 2 of those years was a long distance relationship. And the final 4 months we spent engaged. We've now been married for almost 7.5 years. It hasn't been perfect. We've seen our share of marriage councelors. Things are better now than they've ever been. I understand that for some divorce is the only solution, but I think some people just take marriage too lightly and give up when the going gets tough. "Disposable marriages."
I don't like the "well lets just try this out and if it doesn't work we can just separate" attitude that seems to becoming more and more popular. Marriage isn't a fad or a status, it's an institution. I've been institutionalized!
I've heard a story about a young bride who turns to her mother on her wedding day and says "Mother, finally I'm at the end of my troubles." And the wise mother looks at her and says "Yes, but which end?"

 

[Steve Y]

Some so-called starter couples "feed the failing marriage" by having children, and then the children become pawns [or replacement husbands/wives] in the struggle between parents. It's a cycle that keeps marriage and family therapists in the green, and most of my friends on medication!

It's nice to see so many people here with successful marriages (by today's standards, certainly).

Steve

 

[MikeM]

Roughly one out of every two marriages end in divorce.
The others end in death.
I chose divorce.

 

[Todd Hochard]

Most people don't try anymore and just give up. Divorce is the easy way out. Marriage is work, lots of work, most people don't want to put in the work.

I absolutely agree with Ron, here. A lot of people simply lack the conviction to put any real effort into anything.
But, at the same time, there are lots of people (I know some) who get married for all the wrong reasons (money, fear of loneliness, etc.)
My wife and I moved in together (SINNERS!! ) after dating for 4 months, got engaged 8 months after that, and married 3 months after that. I was 25, and she was 21. Quick, and too young for some, but we're just right together. Married 7.5 years now, and have a 10 month old daughter. And I'm pretty sure that only death will do us part.
Todd

 

[Stacie]

Todd, I'm with you. My husband and I moved in together after dating for 6 months, and then lived together for three and half years before finally getting married. We've been married for two years now, but our level of commitment has been 100%+ for at least the last four years (after we figured out that the living-together thing was working out spectacularly well, we combined our finances, started making major joint purchases, named each other as beneficiaries wherever it was appropriate, etc.)

Ours is NOT a starter marriage. It's the real deal, and we will both do everything in our power to see that it lasts as long as we do. I'm way too much of a realist to claim absolute certainty that we'll never divorce (too many things can change over many,many years). But I do know that if it comes to that, it won't be because we didn't have a solid foundation of love, trust, and commitment, combined with the willingness to do whatever it takes to keep it together. So far, so good. So far, VERY good!

Anyway, I was 28 and he was 31 when we married. I think in our case, waiting helped both of us to be truly ready for marriage. I've known people who married very young and had things work out just fine, but I also know that no way would that have worked for me.