The insanity of "Starter Marriages". (1 Viewer)

[Steven K]

I think that ultimately, it boils down to what both people really want out of life.

Problem is, many people simply "get married" because it sounds fun, or because their friends are doing it. Honestly, if you are a single person surrounded by married friends, the chance that you will want to experience that, if nothing else, just to fit in, grows drastically as opposed to being in a situation where one's friends are all single.

 

[ken thompson]

It's better to have married and lost then never to have married at all.

 

[Mike Broadman]

It's better to have married and lost then never to have married at all.

Why?

 

[ken thompson]

I dont know. Go ask a chick.

 

[Alex Spindler]

^^

Currently undecided. I've only chosen to defer my decision for the time being.

 

[Alan Benson]

But we don't want to let committed same-sex couples marry, of course. That would debase the holy institution.

Sorry to sound bitter, but heterosexuals have done pretty well debasing the institution all by themselves.

 

[KyleS]

My wife and I dated for about 6 months before we decided to test the waters of living together. Then after 5 years of living together I popped the question and things have stayed great. There was no pressure from either side to get married earlier and we learned a lot of things (Good & Bad) about each other before we got married. So many people get married then learn these things about their spouse and cant handle it. Funny thing was the Catholic church we got married in didnt like the fact we lived together before we got married.
I did have a friend who went on 1 date with a girl and 2 months later they were married. At the time I was thinking there is no way in hell it will ever last. Well they have now been married for 7 years and have 2 wonderful kids together.
I think it really comes down to the two people and not only how they feel about each other but on how willing they are to work hard at their relationships.
KyleS

 

[DaveF]

But, at the same time, there are lots of people (I know some) who get married for all the wrong reasons (money, fear of loneliness, etc.)

I've concluded that this statement is misguided
I'm single, and hope fall madly in love one day, and get married, etc. However, so far as I can tell, marriage based on romantic love is a fairly recent, Western cultural phenomenon. Arranged marriages have been around for centuries (and are still practiced today). Marriage based on the need for security (financial and physical) was not uncommon two hundred uyears ago in American.
I hope to marry for love, and wish everyone else the same luxury. But the important issue is not why someone marries, but whether they do everything they can to build and maintain a good marriage subsequently.

 

[Neil Joseph]

Craziness.

Just now you will probably be able to get married online, try it out for $19.99 and if it does not work, get divorced online too.

 

[Philip Hamm]

Congrats Danny. That is the same with my wife and I.

you were referring to what he wrote in the spoiler tag!

 

[Alan Benson]

No offense Alan, but generally one / two sentence replies that do little other than stir the pot are not good form here at the ol' forum.

Agreed. No offense taken, and certainly none meant.

My intent was simply to marvel--along with most of the other posters in this thread--at the sad craziness and lack of committment shown in too many modern marriages.

I'd give my eye teeth to be able to legally marry someone I love--something that most people take for granted as a basic right. Meanwhile, I get to watch crap like "Who Wants to Marry A Millionaire" on TV.

 

[Stacie]

Alan,

The unnecessarily (IMHO) discriminatory nature of the legal institution of marriage is one of the reasons my husband and I waited so long to get married. We had (and still have) extremely mixed feelings about participating in an institution that is a privilege unfairly reserved for those who are heterosexual by an accident of birth. As I said in my earlier post, we considered ourselves "married" in every important sense of the word with or without state sanction -- we were just ultimately too weak to resist societal and family pressure to "make it legal." I'm not always proud of that decision.

Anyway, I don't want to get into this with anyone who feels strongly in the other direction. I don't want to see this thread closed because I think it's a really interesting discussion. This will be my first and last post on this particular topic.

 

[Julie K]

I dont know. Go ask a chick.

I've asked them things before and all I've gotten out of them are "cheep cheep" noises while they scratch in the dirt for bugs.

As far as marriage goes, I, like Pamela, am a confirmed singleton. While I'm very happy for those in long-term relationships, the idea that a woman must marry is shoved down our throats from a very early age.

 

[SteveGon]

Excellent topic! I'd love to show this thread to my ex-girlfriend/whatever who is currently engaged to someone she's only known for a little over a year. Having moved their wedding date to over a year earlier than what it originally was, I get the feeling that they're rushing into it. I hate to say this as I still care for her somewhat (though not that much), but I seriously doubt that she is ready for marriage - not after some of the things she did to me while we were dating. I think she's more in love with the idea of getting married than anything else. Oh well, screw it. Let her make her mistakes, I say...

 

[TheoGB]

have children.

Do I spy another Fight Club fan, Pamela?
Actually my mate Janie says that all the men she's ever met seem to be the ones into marriage because their egos tell them that 'this woman will want to marry me and have my children'!!

 

[Ashley Seymour]

The tone of this thread seems to echo the "me" oriented nature of how we consider our institutions. I think marriage is first and foremost about providing a stable foundation for the raising of children. Children may be raised in single parent households where the parents were either divorced or never married, or with gay couples, but in "general" the traditional family is the best option.

That doesn't mean that when a marriage doesn't work out that the children and the marital partners all fall apart. Our society is struggling and putting forth a great deal of mental and spiritual effort to insure that the needs of abandoned children are addressed. A lot of mistakes are being made, but only hindsight may correct some of our present oversights.

A "retro opinion"? Yeah, probably, but all I am reading above is a bunch of self-centered whiney complainers.

When you look at the laws and the pressure of societal opinion, check out your motives and drives. A marriage imposes restrictions, and imparts benefits. If you don't see the benefits, then you are probably trying to exploit relationships for your own benefit.

If you are ready to start a family and you have met someone, and spend a year or so to get to know them, get married. If you have been dating and are struggling with whatever pressure you feel is pushing you in that direction then don't. You aren't mature enough and your marriage will suffer.

 

[Stacie]

I think it's entirely possible to have a strong, stable relationship and marriage while still feeling conflicted about participating in such a flawed institution.

As to children: is it easier to raise happy, well-adjusted kids in a loving, committed, two-parent home? Of course. Is it impossible to do so in other situations? Hardly.

Ashley, a question for you, and I am genuinely interested in your answer: If the purpose of marriage is to provide stable environments for children, do you think that those who either can't or don't wish to have children should still have the right to marry?

I think that the purpose of marriage in a society is much broader than simply to do as well as we can for children. That's an important goal, but I think there are plenty of other reasons why the state might wish to encourage the permanence and binding nature of committed relationships between two adults. Good marriages are good for children, but good marriages without children are still of value to society.

 

[Danny R]

Stacie, I think that while marriage is foremost about providing a stable place for raising children, it does not have to always be that end. It is also about having someone you can always count on. Like most things in this world, its easier to go it as a team than go it alone. Thus there is absolutely no reason to "ban" those who want to be childless couples from marrying.

I think Ashley was simply stating that if you are planning on having children, you should not be self centered and rush into marriage, but make certain you are willing to make a long lasting commitement. After all, its not just your life you will effect, but also the next generation. Ashley was NOT saying that non-married or non-traditional couples can't raise children effectively... just that married couples provide the BEST means of raising children.

To that opinion I would agree. Raising a child as a traditional heterosexual-married couple is difficult enough. Doing so as a single parent is all the harder. Not impossible mind you, but much more difficult. Children of divorces often have to deal with the baggage of their parents as well. Likewise other non-traditional couples also have a hard time... usually because not only are they dealing with the normal aspects of parenting, but also because of the presures associated with their non-traditional situation.

Again, this isn't to say that a gay parent can't raise a child in a loving environment. You just have to work a little harder at it.

 

[Scott Strang]

As others here have stated, some people see marriage as a status symbol rather than a commitment. I waited until I was over 30 before getting married. My wife and I dated on/off and were friends for years before we got serious. When we met, it was a hit. She didn't date anybody during that time and I, being the idiot I am, didn't see what was staring me in the face. She was the one but it took many slaps of reality to see it. Apparently she knew it from the beginning.

We celebrated our 4th anniversary on Feb 27th we only seem to be getting closer to each other. In fact, this is the only thing I've ever really been completely sure of in my life.

Getting divorced and remarried seems like such an "alien" concept to me.

 

[Scott Strang]

As others here have stated, some people see marriage as a status symbol rather than a commitment. I waited until I was over 30 before getting married. My wife and I dated on/off and were friends for years before we got serious. When we met, it was a hit. She didn't date anybody during that time and I, being the idiot I am, didn't see what was staring me in the face. She was the one but it took many slaps of reality to see it. Apparently she knew it from the beginning.

We celebrated our 4th anniversary on Feb 27th we only seem to be getting closer to each other. In fact, this is the only thing I've ever really been completely sure of in my life.

Getting divorced and remarried seems like such an "alien" concept to me.

I take our marriage seriously.