Men and Women - More Conundrums (1 Viewer)

[Dave Poehlman]

I'm not allowed to have any female friends... because of my uncontrollable power over women.


It's a curse, really.

 

[Mary M S]

..we could get you a lead-shielded suit to walk around in..

 

[LanieParker]

I have no issues with my husband spending time hanging out with other woman, if I know them. He use to teach Kungfu and often times had one on one lessons with the woman in his class. That wasn't a big deal to me. Going to movies or lunch isn't a big deal either.

I wouldn't be to thrilled if a woman he was hanging out with all of a sudden started gifting him lots of things, I would question her motives. I trust my husband so I wouldn't question him. I don't except gifts from other men in general, unless say it is a really good friend of ours.

I would be hurt if he was confiding in other woman, because I think of him as my bestfriend and I tell him everything. I don't confide in other men, so yeah, that would bother me.

My husband is different from other men, because I want to be around him and I trust him more than anybody. He is the only one I feel physically/sexually attracted to. When other guys show any signs of interest in me or flirt with me, I don't even give them the time of day.

 

[Jeff Gatie]

Contrary to my strict following of Harry's Rules, I have "acquaintances" of the opposite sex that I feel are friends. But I have strict rules - I am not a confidant, I am not a shoulder to cry on and I am not a spy, a mediator or a counselor for any problems they may have with their boyfriends/husbands. If you want a confidant, tell your boyfriend. If you want a shoulder, try the one you are married to. If you want a counselor, try the phonebook. If you want a friend, I'm willing to hang out with you and your SO or even with just you if I know the boyfriend/husband knows about it first. I adhere to the code and expect others to do the same (damn, I just realized why I kept getting burned, other guys don't adhere to the code!).

 

[Joseph DeMartino]

Advice to members of both sexes who are involved in relationships:

Do not spend solo time with members of the opposite sex who are not close blood relatives. Period. This is relatively easy to arrange. If you and a co-worker need to work together, do so in a conference room, not either of your offices if possible. But whether in a conference room or your office, leave the door ajar unless it has glass walls - in which case leave the blinds open.

If you're creative you can find ways to avoid putting yourself in these situations and that does two things: It makes it impossible for others to form the wrong impression or to spread plausible gossip, and it keeps you away from tempation. Every time I hear about an affair that a friend got involved in, I hear the same line, "I wasn't looking for it, it just happened." CRAP! It did't "just happen". Both parties put themselves in a situation where it COULD happen. Probably several times until it finally DID happen.

If you never give anyone cause to suspect you, you won't have to worry about being a suspect. And if you don't give yourself the chance to cheat you won't have to worry about deserving that suspicion. It is amazing the trouble I haven't gotten into over the years by keeping business to business (daylight) hours and public places, not having that quiet dinner or drink to unwind during the business trip and not working late in the empty top floor office with an attractive co-worker. If you don't roll around in the leaves, you'll never get poison ivy.

Regards,

Joe

 

[Joseph DeMartino]

Off the current focus, but still on topic, but in a lighter vein:

One trait that distinguishes between men and women is that a man knows the difference between packing for a 3-day weekend and moving house.

Joe

 

[Holadem]

Way to go out of your way to have a boring life

--
H

 

[JonZ]

"Do not spend solo time with members of the opposite sex who are not close blood relatives"

Thats ridiculous.

Most of my friends are women and I spend time with them without my girlfriend present. Whether its helping them paint,going to a movie, dropping them off to pick up their car from the garage,putting a air conditioer in the window,just hanging out becuase I havent seen them in a while, etc,etc,etc.

My girlfriend knows and considers all of them to be friends.

Im not going to fool around with any of them. Its not worth ruining my friendship with them or reltionship with my g/f and if I wanted that it would have happened already.

So shes a woman and Im a man. Shes my friend first.And Im not a slave to my schlong.

 

[Moe Maishlish]

I'm sorry Joe, but this is an example of the kind of paranoia that MAKES people think something is going on. Often it's the people that go to excessive lengths to avoid the problem who end up being suspected of cheating. If everyone in the office notices that I refuse to be alone with a person, they're bound to ask why. It's also somewhat unrealistic to expect one's WORK environment to conform to our intricate machinations for avoiding temptation. If I'm working in a secure area (as is often the case) with an attractive female coworker (which has also been known to happen), then my objectives are purely work related. I'm sometimes completely unable to affect or change that environment, regardless of how badly I want to. Furthermore, if I develop a rapport with that colleague, then it's MY responsibility to guarantee that it doesn't violate other confidences. If either of us violates said confidence, I don't think it's a result of the environment, but rather than of the moral fortitude of the people involved.

Personally, if I were with someone who told me that I was the one & only person they found attractive, EVER, then I would question their sincerety & honesty. Yes, I realize that other people in this forum (or participating in this thread) may claim that they only have eyes for their SO, but I personally find that to be a very unrealistic statement.

I think it's incredibly important that we, as human beings, and as members of committed relationships (well... when we have one) realize that being with someone doesn't automatically invalidate or eliminate our primal sexual attractions and/or urges towards others. Part of what makes us human is that we might find someone else attractive & compelling while being to someone else; the other part being that we are able to resist such temptations and remain true to our commitments.

Remember... a wise man once said "It doesn't matter where you get your appetite, as long as you eat at home.".

Moe.

 

[Elinor]

>"...but I personally find that to be a very unrealistic statement..."

That's because you are a man. Many women feel EXACTLY that way, and they are not repressing their so-called primal sexual urges. It's the way we tend to be wired. We are nesters. We protect the nest.

Some women are different. I suspect there may be an evolutional shift occurring where this may be changing. Or maybe it's just a fad (on the evolutionary scale).

Sex & the City is not typical of women.

 

[Moe Maishlish]

I suspect (and hope) that the status quo is shifting, and women are finding that the marginalized status & rules that they've been forced to live under for generations are changing, and that they're just as capable to feel & act as men do (i.e. hunters). I don't think this has anything to do with evolution as it does with the continued liberal shift in our society towards equal rights & priviledges.

I love a strong & assertive woman... someone who is independantly strong & empowered. I suppose my perspective is a byproduct of my tastes. Of course, I know men who prefer the exact opposite of what I do...

...whatever floats your boat I guess.

Moe.

 

[Leila Dougan]

I understand what you're saying, Michael. I think for most of it, I'd be okay with that. If he was getting small gifts for his birthday, Christmas, and other holidays, we'd probably just chuckle over it. But if he was getting gifts for no occasion, I'd think that was crossing the line. And it definitely depends what the gift is. . .edible panties is different than a music CD.

The compliments wouldn't bother me so much either and I'd probably laugh over them as well. If they got overtly sexual and continued for a long time, I'd probably start wondering why she hasn't gotten the hint yet, ie is my husband encouraging the behavior? Unless she's known to be really dense, after a while I'd think it was weird.

Now, the private lunches thing I think is crossing the line (once he's aware what her motives are). I'd have absolutely no problem if he went out as a group and she was there. But I think that if he knows what her motives are and he then accepts a private lunch, that seems awfully much like encouraging her. Or at the very least, he's giving her the wrong impression, which I can see doing accidentally a few times. After a while though, when it really becomes obvious that things are escalating, I'd think continuing to do so is crossing the line (And I say that also because I've often been called a tease because I seem to have a knack for inadvertently giving the wrong impression to guys, but even though I can be dense about that sometimes, I do figure out what I'm doing after a while).

But in the end, my husband is not a confrontational guy and I could see him letting a lot of this stuff roll off his back. And that's cool with me, for the most part. The biggest guage to me is how willing he is to share all this with me. Like a few months ago when he went to Vegas to attend a conference, a female coworker went to. I didn't care one bit that they had dinner together and stuff like that. But that's because he mentioned it to me. He's also not a very good liar so that helps, I think. But had he lied about it or failed to mention her at all (after a week's worth of dinners) I might get suspicious.

And in the event that we have our lines in different places, which is probable, I'd just listen to his side of the story first. I'm not quick to jump to conclusions so as long as his story makes sense, it would be okay. Maybe I'm too trusting? I don't know, but he is my husband after all. For those of you who've been burned, I could see how you'd feel that way. He hasn't given me any reason why I couldn't trust him so unless that changes, what we're doing works for us.

 

[Leila Dougan]

I wholeheartedly agree with this.

I've been happily married for nearly three years but this past summer I found myself to have developed a very small crush on the teacher of my programming class. Our relationship never extended beyond that of a typical student-teacher relationship nor did I ever want it to. But boy, for a month or so I got that school-girl giddy feeling when I thought about him. And truthfully, I think it just added to my marriage because, well, I had an appetite and went home to eat.

Now, my husband has not admitted to having a crush on anybody, but if he did I'd be totally cool with it. In fact, I'd find it fascinating. I like hearing about the celebrities he thinks are hot and encourage him to look at them, if he wants. Because I know he'll be coming home to me

As they say, I'm married but not dead. I don't want to turn into one of those frigid, middle-aged women, who hasn't thought about sex in 10 years. Desire is a human emotion and should be embraced like everything else. I think it keeps things mixed up so you don't get stuck in a rut. But like everything, you've got to be open and honest with your SO. I don't think my little crushes and attractions make me any more willing or vulnerable to cheat - in fact I think the exact opposite. By admitting and dealing with these emotions, I actually find my desire to be with my husband to be as great as ever.

 

[LanieParker]

My husband gets hit on lots and he is the kind of guy that lets it roll off his back. He doesn't give these woman any reason to think he is interested and I trust him, so no worries on my part.

I think it's only human nature that we find other people attractive. I find many men and woman attractive. When my husband and I are out sometimes we will make comments to the other about a man or woman and it means nothing. He is with me and I am with him. However, he is the only man I find myself physically/sexually attracted to.


I certainly don't put myself in situations where "things" could happen. That is just me. I don't want to give other men the wrong impression or make them think I am interested. That doesn't mean I won't hang out with male friends or my husband won't hang out with female friends.


Here is an example of a situation:

My husband and I had this friend and I started noticing that he was acting different with me. It made me uncomfortable. He would ask me about my favorite things and some questions I just thought were too personal to answer. He had tried coming over to the house one night when he thought my husband wasn't going to be home, but as it turns out my husband was home that evening and when he answered the door, the guy looked all surprised to see him. My husband made it clear to him that it was not okay for him to come over when he wasn't around.

Eventually , I just didn't like him coming over at all. So my husband would meet him elsewhere. The guy just gave me the creeps and made me feel so awkward. To me it's unwanted attention and completely inappropriate.

 

[Elinor]

>"Hell, I'm a straight 29 year old male, and even I can do that!
...
I've heard the nesters/hunters argument before, and I don't believe it for a second."

Moe. I'm not talking about arguments, theories, or whatnot.

Having BEEN a woman for almost 50 years, I'm telling you fact. That fact was: I understand Lanie's statement about not being attracted to anyone other than her partner. That is a fact. I know many women who feel that way. That is a fact. This is more common than coincidence would allow. That is a fact. The nesters comment was mostly a joke, but hey, it doesn't really matter WHY many women ... and I said MANY women not ALL women ... feel that way.

The theory is as valid I'm sure as yours (the "we're all animals" theory ... very common to young males btw). Which I don't subscribe to. Having been alive considerably longer than you, well, I've seen more. Known more people. Observed behavior far longer.

The attachment to one partner that *many* women experience is not a function of repression. Good lord, this is behavior that has been observed for millenia. It is the subject of songs, movies, operas, etc.

To perceive it as repressed merely indicates that your preference is not to be restricted to a single sexual source. Plenty of one-man women are joyfully unrestrained and unrepressed sexually. lol. When you're bit older, you'll realize ... there really ain't that much diff. among peoples' organs.

 

[Elinor]

>"I don't want to turn into one of those frigid, middle-aged women, who hasn't thought about sex in 10 years."

Lanie, when you figure out how not to age, send me a note.

If you find yourself approaching 40 and haven't figured it out, better prepare to turn into a middle-aged woman who ... though perhaps not frigid ... just doesn't have the time, energy, inclination, or even desire to romp like when she was in her 20s and early 30s. From middle age, prepare to go even beyond that when you're lucky to feel good enough to even remember what sex was like.

lol.

You kids.

P.s. It's about testosterone levels. As you age, and enter menopause, they decline. Unless you plan to chug hormones the rest of your life, I'd recommend preparing yourself mentally for the changes that *will* ... eventually ... occur.

 

[LanieParker]

uh... I think you meant Leila! lol.

 

[Elinor]

lol.

The second thing that goes is the eyes

Thanks for the correction

 

[Moe Maishlish]

-Deleted... I tried to edit and screwed everything up. I'll repost...-

 

[Leila Dougan]

I've got the lowest testosterone levels on the planet (I'm on medication to keep them very low) so I do know first hand how they play into a woman's desire level. But I also know that it's partly a mental game -- for a long while after I started my meds I didn't want anything to do with sex. But then I realized that if I let go of a lot of my inhibitions, things drastically improved.