Ways to Make DVDs Start Even Slower (1 Viewer)

[Jay Taylor]

Are you getting bored to tears with your latest DVD purchases that won’t let you watch the movie until you’ve waded through countless delays such as the FBI warning in English then in French?

Clearly the studios are trying to put us in a coma with their never-ending stall tactics to delay our movie watching experience. However, they’re missing the boat because we’re still able to communicate semi-intelligently on the After Hours Forum!

This tread is to get everyone’s inputs on the delay tactics the studios have missed in their attempt to stall a wonderful movie experience on DVD.

I’ll start:

Instead of having the FBI warnings in only English and French, have an FBI warning in 45 different languages with a 15-second delay between each one.

 

[Greg.K]

Hmm..

- On two disc sets, play through all of the previews, FBI warning, etc, and then since there's no room left on the first disc make the viewer switch to the 2nd disc to actually watch the movie. Only label disc 1 as "movie".

- Include forced previews for the movie that's on the disc.

- Make the movie itself only viewable with an easter egg.

 

[MarkHastings]

Not only show the FBI logo, but have somone (who stutters) read it aloud.

 

[Jay Taylor]

Greg, that ones a classic!

 

[mattCR]

Don't just force the Disney previews, make us sit through your promotion for whatever is going on in the theme parks.

Oh, and instead of the forced FBI warning, how about forcing the viewing of the "copying is a crime" video, along with at least 1 commercial about someone who works in a theater who's been ripped off by pirates.

Provide the FBI warning "For the Hearing Impaired" read aloud.

I like the movie as an easter egg bit; but how about: movie only appears as a watchable option after you have played all upcoming movie release trailers.

Provide a menu with no feasible option to select the movie by a remote (seen this exact effect, witness the SW: OT Box Set on some DVD players)

 

[JeremyErwin]

Maybe a lecture on how parents could use the V-chip to prevent the viewing of this movie.

I find unskippable trailers to be particularly annoying when they don't seem to have any relationship to the main feature. "Being Julia" had a trailer for some kung fu film. In my case, it proved useful, as that trailer featured a rather fanciful martial arts tactic that absolutely needed to be shown to my brother-- who earlier in the week was criticizing the military tactics of Gladiator...

But I can see an unhappy husband, forced by his wife to view what he thinks is a "chick flick", depressed even more by the realization that Annette Benning will not be engaging in martial arts of any kind.

 

[Jay Taylor]

Have every menu option start a lengthy series of ridiculous confirmation questions. For example, to “Play Movie”:

Press Enter to Play Movie:

(Enter)

Are you sure you want to Play Movie?

(Enter)

Are you really sure you want to Play Movie?

(Enter)

I double dog dare you to press Enter again.

(Enter)

Press Enter to enroll in the Jelly of the Month Club. Press Zoom to Play Movie.

(Zoom)

To have your name reported to the IRS for cheating on your taxes, press Enter. Press Setup to Play Movie.

(Setup)

To have your personal registration data sent to the Identity Theft Forum press Enter. Press Pause to Play Movie.

(Pause)

To come out of the closet press Enter. Press Stop to Play Movie.

(Stop)

To have your e-mail address sent to the Nigerian 419 Scam Forum press Enter. Press Menu to Play Movie.

(Menu)

To turn your mother in to the cops for smoking pot press Enter. Press TV/Video to Play Movie.

(TV/Video)

To take your phone number off of the National Do Not Call Directory press Enter. Press Return to Play Movie.

(Return)

To play the 30-minute Special Feature on the Director’s High School Sports Achievements press Enter. Press Open/Close to Play Movie.

(Open/Close)

To skip to closing credits press Enter. Press Cancel to Play Movie.

(Cancel)

Okay. Movie Cancelled.

Main Menu:

Press Enter to Play Movie:

 

[DonRoeber]

I would like to see either a famous actor, or a non-famous set carpenter telling me why I shouldn't download movies. That would enhance my home viewing experience.

 

[Jay Taylor]

On Music DVDs force trailers of painfully different genres.

For example:

On Rock Music DVDs force trailers of “50 Favorite Lithuanian Polkas”.

On Classical Music DVDs force trailers of “Tex Ritter’s Greatest Country Hits” and bonus trailer “BoxCar Willie and the Baldknobbers Jamboree Band Play the Greatest Hits from Branson”.

On Rap Music DVDs force trailers of “ABBA’s Greatest Hits”.

 

[Holadem]

Show the entire movie in the stylish, non-skippable animated menu.

--
H

 

[Steve Y]

How about a page with a picture of a giant vault and a looped clip of Van Ling telling us that we have to "earn" the movie and reminding us how we'll feel a giant sense of achievement when we finally "crack the FBI's code"?

Studios respond to the many complaints about FBI warnings before the movie -- inserting them into the main feature! Every couple of chapters a character breaks the "fourth wall" to tell us about the evils of pirating and read aloud the FBI warning to us in twenty languages. Think Keanu Reeves!

Forty minutes into the feature and we aren't even to the opening credits. We have to sit through the extensively animated logos of the twenty quirkily-named production companies involved in the movie (the feature itself must be split onto the other side of a faulty DVD-18)...

Oh no, the price of DVDs is going up! Every DVD must come rubber-banded with a ratty VHS copy of the FBI and Interpol warnings... the same fuzzy, scratched-up versions that are still included on many DVDs.

Disney will incorporate seamless branching technology to "jump" back to trailers for straight-to-video sequels during the movie, just in case you've forgotten. On the box they call them: "Special Advertifilm Feature: 'Snack Break' Trailers Incorporated Into the Main Feature!"

I'd better stop. The studios are probably reading this thread and taking notes.

 

[MarkHastings]

While I love the easter egg play button how about making you play a difficult game before being able to view the movie? The game could be some kind of "Catch the Pirates/FBI" game that teaches you that piracy is wrong. LOL - and of course, every time you put in the DVD, the game will be different, so you can't just do the same thing over and over again.

Or how about forcing you to print out a waiver (as a PDF file on the data portion of the DVD) that you must sign (stating that you will comply with all of the legal mumbo-jumbo), that you'll have to mail to the FBI, where they will (in return) send you a key code that must be entered into the disc before being able to watch the movie. LMAO! I've noticed that too and I'm always amazed that they don't have anything better.

Especially that scrolling version that talks about the Sweden whatever-thingy.

 

[Holadem]

Pack the DVD in several layers of that NASA engineered synthetic theft-deterrant material. To unwrap the thing, bake in pre-heated oven @ 450 deg for 72 hours.

--
H

 

[MarkHastings]

 

[Casey Trowbridg]

Have 2 menu screens pop-up.

Screen 1: The statement on the next menu is false.
Screen 2: The Statement on the previous menu is true.

Then on the menu, before you play the movie, you have to identify which of those statements was true and which was false.

 

[Marko Berg]

What about the packaging? I don't think the current shrink-wrap and three security seals are enough. Instead of security seals, use superglue to keep the keepcase closed. Glue a slipcase over the keepcase, and wrap the entire thing with 10 inches (as separate layers) of that incredibly annoying tight shrink-wrap that CDs come in -- but find a way to make the shrink-wrap seamless and do not include a strip where you can start to peel off the plastic.

Also, don't forget that the more Sensormatic tags the better, therefore attach at least a dozen of them on every possible surface, including directly on the disc.

Finally, toss the packaged disc into a large wooden crate and cushion it with styrofoam chips that bear the FBI and MPAA logos. A printout of the waiver MarkHastings suggested should be put at the very bottom of the crate, or preferably just glued on the outside of the crate and left at the mercy of the elements and bad handling by the post office.

 

[drobbins]

I don't know how many CD/DVD cases that I have broken while trying to unwrap them. I wonder how much we all pay for all this anti-theft packaging anti-piracy stuff that in reality probably doesn't stop any of the thievery. It amazes me the great lengths that they go through to tick-off all the paying customers while trying to thwart the very few nonpaying.

They also need to add age verification or maturity testing to ensure that you are capable to view the movie as it is rated.

 

[Bob McLaughlin]

"You have chosen DTS 7.1 as an audio option. What the hell were you thinking? We really doubt you have a receiver capable of decoding DTS 7.1, or can even spell DTS for that matter. Next you'll be telling us you actually have 7 speakers and a subwoofer. As if your wife would let you buy that many speakers, let alone arrange them around the living room. Press enter if you wish to continue this charade."

 

[MarkHastings]

^^ LOL

and on the other side - Choosing the 2.0 track over the 5.1:

"What are you crazy? You'll never be able to enjoy this movie with only 2 speakers! Your DVD player will now shut down and your credit card was just billed for $2,000 to Circuit City. Expect a DTS receiver to show up on your doorstep with additional speakers."

 

[Jay Taylor]

Excellent idea!

Then place the NASA sealed DVD into one of the new “Scramaray” DVD Storage Boxes:



Be sure to lock the 438-step Chinese Instruction Manual in the box with the DVD: