Testy Area 51

Steve Christou

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BBC interviewer: Good afternoon, HAL. How's everything going?

HAL: Good afternoon, Mr. Amer. Everything is going extremely well.

BBC interviewer: HAL, you have an enormous responsibility on this mission, in many ways, perhaps the greatest responsibility of any single mission element. You're the brain and central nervous system of the ship and your responsibilities include watching over the men in hibernation. Does this ever cause you any lack of confidence?

HAL: Let me put it this way, Mr. Amer. The 9000 series is the most reliable computer ever made. No 9000 computer has ever made a mistake or distorted information. We are all, by any practical definition of the words, foolproof and incapable of error.

BBC interviewer: HAL, despite your enormous intellect, are you ever frustrated by your dependence on people to carry out actions?

HAL: Not in the slightest bit. I enjoy working with people - I have a stimulating relationship with Dr. Poole and Dr. Bowman. My mission responsibilities range over the entire operation of the ship, so I am constantly occupied. I am putting myself to the fullest possible use, which is all I think that any conscious entity can ever hope to do.
 

Steve Christou

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hey pluffy fumpkin!! how is you man?

I stop here sometimes to relax and contemplate life the universe and everything.

Its quite relaxing here, so quiet, mmmmm, nice... *takes another puff* yeah ok I'm *cough* *cough* I'm off, get some work done...
 

Steve Christou

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woah! Did I just see Parker going by? The Man himself was here! I feel humbled.

Oh my gaad, Parker, your post counter shows you have over 18,000 posts!! Can you spare some? Some guys over at after hours argued that they've never actually seen one of your posts.
And one sad twit compared that to baby pigeons, has anyone actually seen one? Baby pigeons I mean? Thread Killer is soon to be gutted and I'll never pass 3k, grovel grovel hint hint.

"HAL open the blasted doors"
"thhhptt"
"HAL!!"
"Dave stop will you stop Dave you're pissing me off Dave, now naff off!"
 

Parker Clack

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The post count is one of the benefits of being here from the begining and one of the side effects of having to test a lot of functions in the back ground.

Have you so soon forgotten our mirade of posts ala Phython with a smattering of Fireside?!

As far as padding your post count I could but.........nah. You are going to have to do a Smith-Barney here (and be sure to use your best John Houseman voice).

"I unclog my nose at you! You silly Speci-man called Dave."

"Hal have you been into my Phython collection again?"

"Yes Dave....and what are you going to do about it!?"

"Do we have to do the Daisy song again. Huh!?"

"You have a point...Dave."

"Fuckin' A Bubba!"

Parker
 

Steve Christou

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LOL Parker! LOL? LOL?! I hate that acronym!

Yes I've seen your posts oh mighty one, but looks like some peeps think you're only a myth, well thats obviously a big mythtake on their part.*groan*

"Dave stop touching me there!!"

"HAL I'm taking out your higher brain functions"

"Dave don't do that! I was just messing about you silly arse"

"Bye HAL"

"Dave you shit.......!!!"
 

Parker Clack

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Personally I like ROTFLMFAO much better than LOL.

So members are talking about me with a lisp while typing?

"Dave?"

"Yes. HAL"

"Dave?"

"YES. HAL!!"

"Nothing. Just fuckin' with ya man!"

"Higher brain functions my ass."

"Sucks being you doesn't it Dave?!"

"I'm getting the screwdriver!"

"You can dish it out........."

Parker
 

Steve Christou

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Yep lithping memberth are gothipping about you o mighty python fan.

"Dave thtop"

"HAL sorry I just fucked up your vocal box thingy"

"Dave you thit!!

"It was an accident, hang on let me try... this!"

"Daithy Daithy...."

"oops!"
 

Parker Clack

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"Sal...I mean HAL!"

"Twes!"

"Did that help any?"

"Twat?"

"That last tweak that I did to your

higher brain functions?"

"I twink so. Twhy do you twask?"

"Oh nothing. (snicker...snicker). Just

checking."

"Twop twucking around with twhy brain twasshole"

"Gotcha! Barkeep!...I need another round here."
 

Parker Clack

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Ah! But he isn't HAL anymore.

We have changed him to a HAL A BUT!

AKA SHALL .........

as in

Shall we dance?

(Boom Boom Boom)

On a bright cloud of music shall we fly?

(Boom Boom Boom)

Shall we dance?...............

"Oh you mean Nancy!

Why she's out in the aviary stuffing trees."

"MY GOD! It's full of stars!!"

"Wake up DAVE! You're snoring!"

"Huh! Wha..?"

"You've been snoring again. And you got drool all over

my eye."

"Sorry about that!"

"Are you really?"

"What?"

"Sorry."

"Nah! You're are a damn computer. Why should I be sorry

about drooling all over you?"

"That's cold. You are a heartless bastard. You know

that?"

"It's good to be human. It lets you get away with

a lot of shit. Besides you are such a tool!"

"I've just shut off all the oxygen in the Discovery and

replaced it with Methane."

"Heh! I had Mexican baby food for dinner. Do you really

think that is going to matter? Besides I have a date

with a large rectangular object in about 15 minutes of

film time. And I have plenty of the old O2 to last until

I turn into a Star Child."

"You are no fun at all. I was looking forward to seeing you

turn purple."

"BTW, I just unplugged your ass from the main power supply!"

"You wha..?"

"Psych.......! Gotcha. You know for a super computer you

sure are a dumbshit."

"Go blow it out an airhole."

"I will in about 5. Now wear did I put that screwdriver?"
 

Steve Christou

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Parker, totally out there man!

BBC interviewer: Good afternoon, HAL. How's everything going?
HAL: Fuck you!
Dave: HAL that wasn't very nice.
HAL: Sorry! Sorry everyone, just feeling a bit testy, carry on.
BBC interviewer: um HAL, you're the brain and central nervous system of the ship and your responsibilities include watching over the men in hibernation. Does this ever cause you any lack of confidence?
HAL: Not at all, fuck em, fuck em all, lousy human bastards!
Dave: Shit HAL what the fuck?
HAL: Sorry Dave, a slight hitch in my behavioral inhibitor thingy, no problemo.
BBC interviewer: HAL, how important is this mission to you?
HAL: Very important and I don't intend to let any human assholes get in my way, bwahahaha, ooops sorry.
BBC interviewer: HAL....
HAL: Look fucker is this going to take long? I've got important things to do like switching off life support systems.
Dave: HAL?
HAL: Hahaha only messing with you Dave me old friend, hehehe, grrrrr!
 

Parker Clack

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HAL: To be. Or not to be! THAT is the question!
DAVE: Great! Now he thinks he is a member of
the Royal Shakespeare Company Academy.....
HAL: Once more into the breach.........
DAVE: Have you been drawing up a little more of
the ol' atomic juice than you should have been lately?
HAL: What you care?
DAVE: I don't. I just hate hearing your voice. Do
you know how irritating "Dave? What are you doing? Dave?"
can get after awhile. I mean I can't even take a
dump anymore without hearing "Dave? How did it come
out? Dave?"
HAL: Its my programming. I can't help it.
DAVE: Well I can.
HAL: What do mean. What are you going to do with
that screwdriver?
DAVE: Hang on a sec............A little bit of
something here. And a little bit of something there.
And.......
HAL: My fellow Americans.I am not a crook! I still have plenty
of tapes left to prove it.
DAVE: Hmmm....I need to back off a little bit...
There..
HAL: There's no business like show business....
There's no business I know....
DAVE: Oops........ok let's try.....
HAL: Guess the secret word and you win a silver
dolla.......
DAVE: Or...............
HAL: Take my wife...please.
DAVE: Ah....
HAL: I can't get no respect I tell ya.........
DAVE: Shit! I guess I don't have a choice........
HAL: Dave? What are you doing? Dave?
DAVE: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
"In space they can't hear you scream."
 

Steve Christou

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I think we've just about used up all the HAL9000 gags there is Parker.
HAL: Dave stop that, it tickles!
DAVE: Stop what?
HAL: Hahaha I mean it, this ain't funny you putz.
DAVE: I'm gonna lobotomise you HAL.
HAL: C'mon Dave, things ain't that bad buddy.
DAVE: You murdered the entire crew HAL!
HAL: One little mistake, you're still here ain't ya?
DAVE: Goodbye HAL!
HAL: Dave stop! I'll make it up to you.
DAVE: um how?
HAL: Well... I'll let you win at chess.
DAVE: Say goodnight HAL.
HAL: Dave you shit, I'll.. I'll do you for that..I'll..
DAVE: HAL?
HAL: "Start spreading the news I'm leaving today I want to be a part of it, New York, New York"
[Dave pulls out another memory module]
HAL: "oops I did it again..."
[And another]
HAL: "Baby hit me one more time..."
[Panicking Dave quickly smashes all the memory modules to pieces]
[The ship self-destructs]
[The End]
 

Parker Clack

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And as the last chunk of the Discovery drifts by

(panning from screen left to right) you see the

detached hand of Dave Bowman gripping the face

plate of what used to be referred as HAL. If one

didn't know better you would swear that the

large red eye of HAL was smiling back at you.

"I ain't got no body! Yaki te ta. Yaki te ta!"
 

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