Relationships redux: Do men and/or women change??? (1 Viewer)

[Jenna]

If you guys promise to "change" for a woman, do you really have any intention of doing so...or is it just to get your foot back in the door.

 

[Keith Mickunas]

Well you can't say its universal for sure, but I'd say it was a line. People change over time, but its hard, and its especially hard to just do it to satisfy someone else if you see nothing wrong with it. Its kind of dependent on the change though. Is it something little, like how many DVDs a week he buys, or is it something big like he's claiming he'll cut off getting drunk with his friends every single weekend?

 

[Holadem]

Do women change?

--
Holadem

 

[Patrick Sun]

What does your gut tell you?

 

[JonZ]

Holadem beat me to it.

Unless its something little - If you want someone to change than theyre not the person you want.

You cant change people,but people can change becuase of you.

 

[Ryan Wright]

Sorry, Jenna. People don't change that quickly.

When a man tells you he will change, he probably has every intention of doing so. He doesn't want to lose you, and at that moment, he's willing to do whatever it takes. But tomorrow is not "that moment" and he will quickly settle back into his old ways.

True change is possible, but it takes time and dedication on the part of both of you. That means he has to be willing to work hard on it, and you have to tolerate relapses. Few people can change "cold turkey".

I decided long ago that I wouldn't change for anybody. I like who I am, and anyone who has an interest in a friendship (or, when I was single, a relationship) with me can "take it or leave it." End result is I have a wife who supports my hobbies (and I support her's) and loves me for who I am, not who she thinks I might become. Oh, and I never have to beg and plead "please don't leave me, I'll change." Now, have I changed over the years? You bet. People do change. But they usually change for themselves, or in response to other subtle factors in their lives - not because they want to please somebody else. If my wife told me she didn't like DVDs and didn't want me buying any more, I'd be lying my head off if I said, "OK. I'll stop enjoying movies."

To be honest, any man who claims "I'll change!" is fooling himself, and you're probably better off without him. Of course, it all depends on the man and the issue at hand.

 

[Moe Maishlish]

Long Answer:
People don't change unless they do it for themselves.
Here's a better question, what's worse:
a) A person who says they'll change but doesn't
b) A person who selfishly asks/manipulates someone else to change to better fit their lifestyle.
Short Answer:
No.

 

[Morgan Jolley]

A female friend of mine was dating this jerk for about 6 months before they mutually broke up. 2 days later, he said he would change and that he wanted to be with her again. They hooked back up and he actually did change...sort of. Before, he wouldn't do small stuff like open doors for her and he would often prefer to be with his friends over her (he didn't want his friends to know they were going out, though she's quite attractive and all of his friend's thought so, but one of his friend's was her brother). During the summer, the two of them would often be around other people at parties, gatherings, etc., so he actually lightened up and became really nice and sweet to her. He really did change. Unfortunately, it was too little too late, and she dumped him (much for her better, too).

So yes, some guys can change. Your best bet is to find one that doesn't need fixing.

 

[Philip_G]

if he has to change, should you be with him? or vice versa, if I had to change for someone would I be with them?

 

[Jeff Pryor]

During my first marriage my wife and I fought constantly. Of course, it was all my fault, at least according to her. After a while, I began to believe her...until the day came when I left for good. After some deep soul-searching over the next 2 years I came to the realization that she was partly to blame. I took responsiblity for my part, and I eventually changed for the better. If she and I were together today, I know we'd have a much better union, but it's all good because I have a better wife to practice on these days . Yes, men do change, but that man has to WANT to change and it will NEVER happen overnight.

 

[Walt N]

This is an old quote for which I can't recall the source:

"Women will go into a relationship expecting the man to change, and men go into a relationship expecting the woman NOT to change. Both will end up disappointed."

A bit cynical, however I think there's a lot of truth in that.

 

[Jonathan DA]

No such thing. There is no perfect man or woman. Everyone needs fixing in some aspect of their being. The catch is no one can fix another person or make them change. You have to want to change for yourself.

 

[Karl_Luph]

There's alot of truth in the term "equally yoked" when it comes to relationships.

 

[Cees Alons]

Jenna,
You know that saying about old trees and bending.
If we forget about the notorious liars for a moment (those with those eager feet close to a door), then yes - most men who say a thing like that believe it themselves. They do what everyone does when he/she wants something badly: they believe everything that's necessary and that they could possibly influence to be possible. And hence they really, really believe at that moment what they say and that changing is what they will and what they will do.
But one day that terrible urge may be over again, when what one so desperately wanted has been reached and seems secured.
This doesn't make people liars, however. In fact, they believe it as sincerely as the person who they're talking to and who hopes so desperately that it will happen. Perhaps.
You know who I mean and I could stop there, but here comes my twist: if two persons want something unlikely so badly and are willing to work hard on it, couldn't it happen?
What chance is better to take: a chance that it either does work out (with some pain and a lot of happiness) or not (with some pain and a some happiness and a lot of new but familiar pain). Or the certainty that nothing will happen again (between these two) and the doubt whether or not it could have worked, if only...
The wisest choice depends on so many other factors, including past experiences of course. And here's a sad rule: never believe an addict who says he/she will abstain. It will cost you much to much and cause mainly pain.
Cees

 

[Zen Butler]

I feel the little things that people are talking about in this thread, fall under the blanket of compromise.
As far as an all an out change , I question why a person is with somebody they feel needs to be changed, move on and leave this person be. Better yet, stay single and quit trying to change people.
Do people change? All the time, but only for themselves generally.



on a side note:

he wouldn't do small stuff like open doors for her

that animal!! How did she get that heavy thing on hinges to sway free?

 

[MickeS]

Zen, the reasons someone would want the other to change could be big things that they both sincerely want to change. Like, if someone is an alcoholic and he wants to quit, and a woman comes along that loves him, and he promises to change.

It's a very generic question though, and of course impossible to answer.

And as for holding up doors and such, call me old fashioned but I believe that's the man's job. A woman should not have to open a door if accompanied by a man (unless his hands are full or something).

 

[Dave Poehlman]

I change all the time. Why just yesterday I was wearing a sweatshirt... and today.. I'm wearing a button-down shirt! Tomorrow, I might go with a sweater.


Sorry, Jenna... couldn't resist. :b

 

[MikeM]

What does your gut tell you?

That I've been drinking way too many Heinekens lately..

 

[Ted Lee]

You cant change people,but people can change becuase of you.

that pretty much describes me. i feel i changed quite a bit for my current girlfriend. of course, she's had to adapt to my idiosyncracies too.

so, as with all relationships, it's definitely a two way street.

however, in this case, it sounds like this guy did something drastic?

so, will this guy change for you? ultimately, it's something only the two of you will be able to answer.

 

[McPaul]

Sure Jenna, I have change, how much do you need?


McPaul's rule of love and relationships #137:

You should never ask someone to change, nor should you change for anyone else.