I should be posting this a month from now, but it's fresh in my mind, so what the heck. After watching about four classic Twilight Zone episodes on my TiVo before going to bed last night, I had a strange dream. In my dream, I was in one of those dreadful DotD situations, with brain-eating zombies everywhere. To make a long story short, at the end of the dream, I discovered that I was a zombie and wasn't aware of it. I couldn't pinpoint or remember the exact time of my death, so I had no way, really, of knowing I was a zombie. No wonder all my friends were trying to decapitate me. (In my defense, two of the Twilight Zone episodes I watched involved people who were dead but didn't know it.) But then it got me to thinking. Do zombies actually know that they're zombies? Maybe they're like stupid people who are too stupid to know that they're stupid: Zombies are too dead to know that they're dead. Death, after all, is a progressive disease. You start out looking just fine, but you end up a pile of mulch. Until your flesh begins to rot off your bones, how are you going to know? And even when your limbs start to fall off, your brain functions may be so severely impacted by death that you simply don't see this as anything abnormal. I did a search, and I found a few Are You a Zombie tests here and here, but nothing very comprehensive. I was VERY surprised to get NO results from a Google search of “You might be a zombie if” in the Jeff Foxworthy tradition. I thought the Jeff Foxworthyisms already covered everything under the sun. So I decided to come up with my own. And since this subject is of such grave importance (hyuck!), feel free to add to the list. You might be a zombie if... ...your deodorant has been particularly ineffective lately. ...your friends greet you with, “Wow! You look really good! You know, considering...” ...you see children as appetizers, adults as the main course, and loved ones as dessert. ...you take orders from a mad scientist overlord who won't release your tortured soul from his creepy machine until you do his evil bidding. (This was what tipped me off in my dream. It was a real “Hey, wait just a darn minute” kind of moment.) ...you win the company Halloween costume contest, and you didn't even know you were competing. ...all your friends and family want to show you how well their new shotguns work. ...your dog seems to think you're the mailman. ...your dog seems to think you're a steak. ...your new circle of friends doesn't include anyone you'd want to be romantic with. ...you're dismayed that none of the local restaurants have human brains on the menu. ...counting to ten requires progressively more fingers from other people's hands. ...the human resources administrator wants to talk to you about how you want your death benefits administered. ...your spouse ALWAYS seems to have a “headache” lately. ...you see mobs of people bringing torches to your house, and there's no power outage. ...you get the feeling that people mean something different when they refer to themselves as “alive” and to you as “undead.” ...you feel left out because you didn't get an invitation to your own funeral. ...your friends are always making jokes about how “late” you are, even when you're punctual. ...your son or daughter asks for another one of your body parts to take to school for Show-and-Tell. Have I missed anything?