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What do you do with a broken heart? (1 Viewer)

Lance Nichols

Supporting Actor
Joined
Dec 29, 1998
Messages
726
Eve, I would have, not that long ago, told you to stick with it, and things would start to look better.

Now, if you have been diagnosed as clinically depressed, and they think that medications could help you out, I would recommend it very strongly. My brother was diagnosed with clinical depression. Looking back, it is obvious that this has been something he has been struggling with for some time. Medication is helping, but it takes a long time (up to six months) to stabilize you biochemistry, and find the correct dosages/combination.

I would also recommend counsellings, if you can get it, for the depression. Until the medications taker hold, there likely will be bad days, along with the good. My personal feelings on the matter have changed somewhat, but I still believe part of it is up to you, and talking it though with a professional, or close friends likely will help. Heartbreak itself is one thing that just takes time, try to get out an enjoy yourself. Don't skip doing things that you enjoy, but used to do with your ex, do them anyhow, and remember why you enjoyed doing them before he/she came along!
 

Leila Dougan

Screenwriter
Joined
Mar 27, 2002
Messages
1,352
Eve, the thing is, everyone has feelings and emotions that largely cannot be helped. One thing I have learned through my years of tribulations (heart break, suicide, self-injury, severe depression, etc) is to NEVER let anybody invalidate your feelings.

Don't ever let anybody tell you "it's really not that bad" or "get over it, it's not like you've lived through the Holocaust". That's complete and udder BS. Nobody has lived through what I have lived through and nobody has lived through what you have either.

The bottom line is, you're hurting. The pain is not something that can be easily erased with a magic wand. The pain is very much real. Don't believe for a second that you're weak for having a broken heart, or any other pitiful excuse why your feelings and emotions are unwarranted. To discount your feelings is to discount you as a person, both of which need to be respected if any of us expect to heal.
 

Andrew Testa

Second Unit
Joined
Mar 22, 2002
Messages
263
Eve,

The vast majority of what has been posted allegedly as "help" in response to your plea is worth exactly what you paid for it. In fact, several of the suggestions I would deem capable of making the depression worse.

Anything along the lines of: you'll get over it, time heals everything, look at the good things in life, volunteer with people worse off than you, look for someone else, take a vacation, light a bong, etc., is complete and utter dribble and of no use to you. These people have no clue how you feel.

Aphorisms don't cure depression. Self-introspection won't cure depression. Reading books won't cure the kind of serious depression you described.

It sounds as if you've been in a state of depression most of your life, and the latest trauma has made it worse. I've been where you are. To overcome the recent trauma you need to attack the depression, and it sounds like you've already started that. A combination of meds and therapy are your strongest chance for recovery.

My only advice is to not see a regular therapist or counselor for your depression. They usually aren't trained to help with severe problems. I wasted a lot of time with several of them. See a PhD psychologist. They're much better equipped to help with severe depression. A psychiatrist can prescribe medication, but I've found they don't do much more than administer tests and give out prescriptions. You need a psychologist for therapy, who can recommend what meds would be most appropriate, and who will work with either your regular doctor or a psychiatrist to get your dosage correct.

I don't care to know the details of the current trauma, but I do know exactly how your depression feels. If you'd like to talk about it with someone who's been there send me an email. I promise no preaching, lectures, or aphorisms. If you don't want to talk that's fine. But do continue to get some help.

Andy
 

MarkHastings

Senior HTF Member
Joined
Jan 27, 2003
Messages
12,013
Anything along the lines of: you'll get over it, time heals everything, look at the good things in life, volunteer with people worse off than you, look for someone else, take a vacation, light a bong, etc., is complete and utter dribble and of no use to you. These people have no clue how you feel.
Amen to that! :emoji_thumbsup:

And I wish people would stop comparing clinical depression with the depression you get from "hard times". There is a BIG difference between people who have a chemical imbalance (who get depressed) and people who go into depression because of issues in their life.

I had a great childhood. I have an awesome job and a great family. I have everything going for me yet I still suffered from depression. I had suicidal thoughts for absolutely NO reason what so ever.

The biggest mistake is to treat clinical depression like a broken heart. Broken hearts can mend with time - Clinical depression almost always can't.

This is why I have problems with people who say "You have NO reason to be depressed. I have been through more than you have and I'm not depressed" :angry:

From what Eve has described, her depression is caused by chemicals in her brain and NOT by the events in her life (these bad events only make the depression worse, but aren't the Cause). So while it is good advice to tell a person to "Move on with their life" or "Time will heal all wounds" or "Go have a Drink and relax" when they've gone through a bad or emotional experience, it is NOT good advice to say these things to someone who is going through a bad depression spell.

Time is NOT something Eve needs right now. She needs help!

Can we all support Eve in her quest to get help and not make things worse by having her do more damage to herself by waiting, running away, or getting stoned and making things MUCH worse.

Please!

I know everyone goes through rough times, but this isn't what I'd consider a normal "Rough Time" and your advice may be more costly than you think. These kinds of cases need to be treated with extreme seriousness and caution. Encouraging Eve to seek professional help is the best thing we can do. She doesn't sound like she's in a position to help herself right now.

You can continue to tell your horror stories, but please beware of how you compare them to this situation. A depressed person doesn't care if you've had it worse and your attitude about the situation may cause the depression to get worse rather than better.
 

Todd Hochard

Senior HTF Member
Joined
Jan 24, 1999
Messages
2,312
You can continue to tell your horror stories, but please beware of how you compare them to this situation. A depressed person doesn't care if you've had it worse and your attitude about the situation may cause the depression to get worse rather than better.
YOu're right, of course. I will go back and delete my contributions to these threads, as I have nothing of value to say.:rolleyes
 

MarkHastings

Senior HTF Member
Joined
Jan 27, 2003
Messages
12,013
Todd, I am not saying you can't contribute. I just worry when people try to make it sound like they've had it worse than Eve by saying things like:

"You don't know depression until you've been through what I have been through"
or
"If you think you've got it bad, you should go through what I am going through"
etc.

I don't remember your posts so my following comments are in general and not directed at you...I guess these boards are taken with a little more of a grain of salt than in real life conversations, but I do know that by saying stuff like that can frustrate a depressed person.

Trivializing it or making it sound like it's not a big deal, is not quite helpful.

By all means, share the stories. Just don't try to make it sound like you've been through worse. I'm sure nobody's pain can top the pain she is feeling right now. Even if it sounds like she may not be going through a lot, it IS a lot to her.

Imagine if your mom died when you are 30 and someone (who's mom died when they were 10) came up to you and said "Cheer up. I had it worse, my mom died when I was 10". Would the fact that this persons mom died earlier in their life than yours make you feel any better? Would it make the situation less sad? Absoultely not. This is what I mean when I worry about saying things like that to a depressed person.

Sorry for the rant, but I just want to be certain that Eve takes this seriously and sticks to seeking help. The reason she probably hasn't done anything about it sooner is because she blew it off and thought "I'm sure there are others who have it worse, so why should I get help when I don't have it as bad as other people do."

It shouldn't matter how if others have it worse. All that matters is getting help.
 

JonZ

Senior HTF Member
Joined
Dec 28, 1998
Messages
7,799
I dont think the horror stories are to say "Ive been through worse" but more to say "Ive been there too.I know it feels hopeless but its not"(Mine was).

Taking about heartache of the loss of a lover is something time can heal.Thats where the those statements are aimed. Not at Depression which she mentioned later and is much more serious. See needs professional help fo that as many here have said.

No one takes her feelings for granted(I hope) and most of the people who have posted Im sure are trying to be helpful and obviously care or they wouldnt have bothered to post a reply.

We all hope she'll pull through ok.
 

Jeff Ulmer

Senior HTF Member
Deceased Member
Joined
Aug 23, 1998
Messages
5,582
Anything along the lines of: you'll get over it, time heals everything, look at the good things in life, volunteer with people worse off than you, look for someone else, take a vacation, light a bong, etc., is complete and utter dribble and of no use to you. These people have no clue how you feel.
Well, I would disagree. I'm sure many of us have gone through similar experiences in our lives and have come out the other side. Is it exactly the same, no, of course not, however people do share many common emotions, and find themselves in places they don't know how to get out of, it is not uncommon, and in fact it is probably more uncommon to NOT have times in your life like these.

Those saying that time heals are correct, however, it doesn't just happen. There is a process involved in coming to terms with your situation, learning from your past, and preparing yourself to move onwards. If you don't go through this process, you'll find yourself right back where you started.

Eve mentioned earlier that she felt that her state of mind was simply the way she is wired. This is quite true, however, it doesn't mean that wiring can't be reprogrammed. Anyone can learn to be happy. Seeking help is the first step to changing your life for the better.
 

Karl_Luph

Supporting Actor
Joined
Apr 5, 2002
Messages
974
Eve, Andrew made some good points, you should take him up on the offer and email him. It always helps to have someone you can really talk to. I do wish you the best.
 

Steven K

Supporting Actor
Joined
Jan 10, 2000
Messages
830
I've been heartbroken just like everyone else... when my ex-fiancee broke up with me, I was devastated, no different than anyone else here who is discussing a breakup. Just last month, my wife had a miscarraige which also devastated the both of us.

HOWEVER, I agree with the statement about spending a day in a children's hospital. Our "problems" seem so petty when you see a mother and father who have no money, because they have spent it all to try to cure their small child of cancer, knowing there is little hope. Think of what the Jews went through in the concentration camps. Do our petty problems seem so difficult now?

My point is this: sometimes, even though it is hard to hear, people need to be told to "get over it." Reality and society aren't going to stop at your door. I'm not saying that it isn't wrong to be heartbroken and sad, even depressed for a time. But, when I hear people talking about how life is sooooooo bad, about how they want to pack up and leave, about how humanity isn't going to survive... give me a break!

When I was heartbroken over my ex-fiancee, I wallowed, sat around, etc... for a week or two, my family was very understanding, etc... but one day, someone came up to me and said "OK, get over it. Life goes on." And I needed to hear it. I needed a kick in the ass. Life goes on. Reality goes on. Society goes on.

I know it sounds like I'm a hardass. Losing something or someone very close to you is very hard... but, that one personthing should be only a part of the collective whole of what makes you the person you are. If that one personthing makes up the collective whole of your happiness, then you seriously need to re-evaluate your priorities.
 

Glenn Overholt

Senior HTF Member
Joined
Mar 24, 1999
Messages
4,201
Steven, that doesn't make any sense. She had a priority but now he is gone. How would you feel if your wife took off?

Glenn
 

Cary_H

Second Unit
Joined
Jun 7, 2003
Messages
279
Forget the drug plan.....and this is coming from someone who has never been shy of them.
Find an ear to vent on. You don't want or need pity or advice. Just an alternative to having to endure the loop running over and over in your head. One works wonders, the other doesn't work at all.
Fill the companionship void with an acceptable replacement......all the better if this replacement also meets criteria to fill the "shag" void. Guilt free, no commitments. Full time shagging is the goal here.
Round up as many "companions" as it takes to achieve the level of comfort required. If any start to impart the slightest drag on your progress, eject them from the circle of "therapists".
You asked and, well.....this is my medicine of choice in times of need.
All the best.
 

Eve T

Supporting Actor
Joined
Jan 16, 2002
Messages
616
I tried to explain that I have been depressed for quite some time. Most of my life (well, as far back as I can remember) I didn't have a very nice mother, I was never in (one home/place) for very long either. I got moved around a lot and ignored even more. I'm not here to tell you my whole life story, just that this latest event in my life has deepened my depression to a point where I cannot function properly.

Childrens hospital? I can go visit my niece who is autistic to know that life can be brutally UNFAIR and harsh. So harsh infact that my own child is burried in Washington Park East cemetery. I know about pain, I know of loss (my house burnt down years ago a week or two before my baby died) and I think it's just been building up for a long time and I think everyone has their breaking point and this was mine. Years of self doubt, lonliness, blinding hate, .... it all adds up and I suppose I finally had my fill.

I have sought out help which is the first step in my recovery (admitting I have a problem) I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. I just wanted some advice on what to do until I get these meds or whatnot so that I wouldn't drive myself crazy or worse.

Thanks everyone.

Eve
 

Andrew Testa

Second Unit
Joined
Mar 22, 2002
Messages
263
Eve,

As I said, the best thing you can do until you find the right meds and therapist is to get some support. I've offere, and several other people have posted their positiove first-hand experiences with treatment for depression. I'm sure they'd be willing to help as well. We know what it's like to not be able to get out of bed for days, for no apparent reason. We also know what it's like to go through the process of trying different meds until something stable is found to give us a starting point for tackling the depression.

We also know that people like Cary and Steven above don't understand the difference between just feeling bad and suffering from clinical depression. Taking their advice will do nothing but fuel the depression. Contact me or someone else who has posted their recovery. We can help.

Andy
 

Mark Schermerhorn

Second Unit
Joined
Sep 24, 2000
Messages
354
Eve: When is your doctor appointment? It sounds like you're on the brink, although it sounds like you're "turning the corner" at the same time. On the bright side, you understand your own situation, which is more than I can say for a lot of people I've known who have had serious problems with depression.

At any rate, I'm sure you know that everyone here is 100% supportive of you. You'll always find support in this place.
 

Steven K

Supporting Actor
Joined
Jan 10, 2000
Messages
830
We also know that people like Cary and Steven above don't understand the difference between just feeling bad and suffering from clinical depression.
Yes, that's it :rolleyes

My original statement, if you recall, was directed at JonZ, not Eve.

I guess I'm just one of those insensitive, politically incorrect bastards...
 

Chris PC

Senior HTF Member
Joined
May 12, 2001
Messages
3,975
Wow. Super mondo long thread in no time at all.

Well, I'd like to contribute, as I am a self-admitted neurotic person. I don't actually have any real relationship experience, as my dating has been limited and my one relationship was only 4 months long. I do have some advice though. I will qualify it by explaining where I come from a bit.

I was a chubby nervous hyper kid. Not overly outwardly hyperactive, cause I was sort of nervous and shy. Anyways, I lost a fair amount of weight in grade 9 highschool and that improved things for me, but I never achieved the level of happiness that I was after. Here are some things I've noticed about my life that I might share.

Get to know yourself well. If you already do, thats fine, but examine your self awareness and be sure you are being honest with yourself.

Happiness, or more importantly, a more peaceful existance will come from improved life behaviour. Here are the things I recommend doing:

Maintain relationships with friends, family and collegues. It is friendships that can really act as your safety net when male-female relationships go crappy. Don't make a mission of making new friends all the time, and also don't maintain useless friendships. But don't be afraid to make new friends, or let old friendships fade. To quote (possibley not entirely accurately, but it makes the point) one of my fave movies, True Colors, "Friendship is like the morning dew, it settles on some flowers, and it settles on some dog$hit." Having "friendships" with people who are not really friends is a waste of time. This of course goes for relationships too. Don't waste energy in anger or anything, just spend your quality time with the right people. Its not easy sorting the crap from the real, but your goal should be to put yourself first. Only when you treat yourself with the most respect, will you have anything to offer others.

Have a plan, goals you want to reach in your personal, professional and other parts of your life. Make a plan and strive for those goals. It brings meaning to your life when you're down. I have been down before, feeling bad, and also feeling nothing. Feeling nothing is baaaad. Feels like you're dead. You have to examine what makes you feel good and what makes you feel bad and try not to rely on the wrong things for your happiness. Take more control of your life. Make an effort.

Exercise and strive to be fit. Whether you are really slim or a larger person, it doesn't matter. Physical activity ALWAYS makes you feel better emotionally. Its good medication. Its also an area in your life to experiment with planning and goals. Plus activities like sports or simple active things like hiking or cycling are a great way to meet people.

As far as the break up. Take some serious time right now to examine your feelings, acknowledge the pain and really feel it. Its important. If you don't, you'll feel it later, and that is confusing and a time waster. Feel it, live it and move on. Its hard. Very hard. Remember your goal is to feel better, and you should move towards that.

Whatever you feel bad for losing in that person, as hard and as insanely silly as this sounds to someone who has broken up with a person, you must try to take the good things (real or imagined) in that relationship and/or person and acknowledge that your desiring those things was ok and look for those things with another person, another relationship. Really try not to rely on drugs, alcohol or escape of any kind as a response. Sure, its good to start new and get away, but not before accepting your situation and commiting to a plan towards happiness. You can't run away from your brain. Its right there in your noggin and it follows you where-ever you go.

One of the most important things:

Your response to emotions.

Try to really think positive. Think positive towards your goal of improved happiness. Instead of letting things get you down, feel the sorrow and disappointment of life, but then strive for happiness. Emotions aren't just felt in one layer. You have two or more layers of feelings. I discovered this myself. I think the biggest problem, is that people who feel depressed, are simply responding incorrectly to their emotions. Its not a matter of right or wrong really, its just a learned behaviour. It might sound insulting, but depression can often be "learned helpless-ness". You feel bad and you act negatively and compromise and accept failure and deep inside you are crying for help. Its weird and complicated but I see it in people. You can ask for help, but being "hopelessly" depressed is counter-productive. Think survival. You're on this earth and you are going to have to work hard to change your life, control your destiny as best you can. Instead of submitting to depression, look elsewhere for answers, look to positive behaviour. A last comment is that depression often happens when things in your head are not matching the real world. You must accept reality. Another thing that makes you depressed, is your minds interaction with repressed emotions. Lying to yourself. If you try to act happy or think happy, act positive etc, you may find yourself very depressed. This is because there is an un-resolved emotion that is contrasting too severely with your attempt at feeling up. Confront those feelings and acknowledge them, but don't let them determine your life choices. Don't make choices based on fear.

Last of all, try to look to people who are successful, emotionally, more than professionally, and perhaps you can learn from them. Get help from friends. Get professional help if you must, but don't be afraid to get second, third and fourth opinions. Medication is a tough one. It would be better to have no medication in your life, but I'm not a psycologist, so I can't give expert advice, but I will say that if you can get better without medication, you might be better off.

Help others too. That is really a good way to ease depression. Doing things for other people increases your self worth and occupies your time and your thoughts in a very positive way.

This world is full of negative things, and your daily life can depress you. Don't hide, but don't let negative things rule your life.

I hope this is helpful. Its really just general things I have observed about myself and friends. Its all about honesty and goals.

Good luck :)
 

Andrew Testa

Second Unit
Joined
Mar 22, 2002
Messages
263
HOWEVER, I agree with the statement about spending a day in a children's hospital. Our "problems" seem so petty when you see a mother and father who have no money, because they have spent it all to try to cure their small child of cancer, knowing there is little hope. Think of what the Jews went through in the concentration camps. Do our petty problems seem so difficult now?

My point is this: sometimes, even though it is hard to hear, people need to be told to "get over it." Reality and society aren't going to stop at your door. I'm not saying that it isn't wrong to be heartbroken and sad, even depressed for a time. But, when I hear people talking about how life is sooooooo bad, about how they want to pack up and leave, about how humanity isn't going to survive... give me a break!
is not only very bad advice for someone with severe depression, it is potentially harmful advice, and displays a clear lack of understanding of what a severe depressive episode is or can do to a person.

Seriously, if anybody else feels the urge to tell Eve to just suck it up, you'll get over it, time heals everything, look at the good things in life, think about people worse off than you, look for someone else, take a vacation, light a bong, it's not so bad, etc., don't post it. It's bad advice, it doesn't work, and it can cause a severely depressive person on the edge go the wrong way. It's one thing to have a difference of opinion on something, it's another to be factually wrong. This is not opinion, it's medical fact.

Normally I don't care if people post their two cents on things they really don't know anything about, since that comprises about 95% of Internet traffic and I don't claim to be the keeper of all knowledge, but on this topic the stakes are a person's mental health, something I have a great deal of personal experience with, and genuinely bad and harmful advice needs to be pointed out.

I've given Eve my opinion and offer to help, it's up to her what to do with it.

Andy
 

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