Joke of the Day

Discussion in 'Archived Threads 2001-2004' started by Kenneth, Oct 2, 2001.

  1. Kenneth

    Kenneth Supporting Actor

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    A little humor to brighten your day [​IMG]
    STUDENT QUOTES
    From Jack Smith of the Los Angeles Times.
    Juel Goldstock, an English teacher at Huntington Park High School,
    collects student bloopers, otherwise known as Pullet Surprises.
    Here are a few of the gems from his collection:
    "I spent the week in Hawai, the hom of pom trees, cocanuts and loo
    wows..."
    "They always were poor but, now, thanks to the Reagan Administration,
    they're in deep puberty..."
    "When you put Roosevelt and Wilson side by side, you can see that they
    had few differences but their contrasts weren't that similar..."
    "In the 1920s, there were lots of new things. There were new clothes
    and new cars and new music and new ways to get pregnant..."
    "In the eleventh grade, I had a big problem. My teacher was Mr.
    Goldstock and he caused my future to disappear..."
    "His poetry uses lots of onomatopoeiazadora..."
    "Even kings and queens can be sad. I know for a fact that, sometimes,
    Queen Elizabeth mops around the castle..."
    "I know where babies come from. Women produce the eggs and man
    produces the spam..."
    "Margaret Sanger was a lady that due to the invention of the car tried
    to prohibit birth control..."
    "In the Middle Ages, the Black Pledge was going around..."
    "Oedipus killed his real father, then married his real mother. That's
    called incense..."
    "King John signed the Carta Blanca..."
    "My first year of school was first grade. I didn't attend
    kidneygarten..."
    "Romeo and Juliet were so in love. One night they secretly exchanged
    vowels..."
    "Without an education, many people in this world would be dum..."
    "He was so stund, he just stud there..."
    "Frank Furter was a Supreme Court Justice."
    "It's hard to imagine, but someday I'll be a mother. First, I'll get
    pregnant; then, I'll spend nine months in hard labor..."
    "All life is sacred. No one would want to be deprived of living
    against his own will..."
    "Cleanliness is next to Godlessness..."
    "I wouldn't go to college in Boston because the work is harder in a
    foreign country..."
    Cheers,
    Kenneth
     
  2. Scott Dautel

    Scott Dautel Second Unit

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    OK ... warning: sick joke of the day.
    A honeymooning couple were out for a moonlight swim, when the wife vanishes. The grieving husband reports her missing, and after a sleepless night theres a knock on his door:
    Cop: Well buddy , I've got good news, bad news and really good news ...
    Man: Oh god, give me the bad news first.
    Cop: OK, we dragged the reef and pulled up your wife.
    Man: and the good news ...
    Cop: We also got 2 big lobsters, a dozen crabs and a few clams.
    Man: Whats the really good news?
    Cop: Spoiler:We're pullin' her up again tomorrow morning.
    [​IMG]
    [Edited last by Scott Dautel on October 02, 2001 at 09:47 AM]
     
  3. John Spencer

    John Spencer Supporting Actor

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    A ventriloquist is performing a set at a comedy club, and he's just giving blond women hell. Blond joke after blond joke. About 30 minutes into the set, an atttractive blond woman stands up in the crowd.
    "You know," she says, "I've been listening to your crap for a while now, and I just have to say that I'm real tired of blondes getting shit on just for being blond. There are successful blondes in big business, government, law enforcement. You name it. For every dumb blonde I can name you two who are smart and successful. And I don't think we wanna hear your shit anymore!"
    At this the ventriloquist starts feeling a little ashamed and says, "Gee lady, I'm real sor-"
    "I wasn't talking to you! I'm talking to that little asshole on your knee!!"
    [​IMG]
     
  4. Oliver Kopp

    Oliver Kopp Stunt Coordinator

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    Real Name:
    Oliver
    Stuck On The Island
    An ambitious yuppie finally decided to take a vacation. He booked himself
    on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life... until
    the boat sank! The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island
    with no other people, no supplies... Nothing. Only bananas and coconuts.
    After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most
    gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to him.
    In disbelief he asks her: "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
    "I rowed from the other side of the island," she says. "I landed here when
    my cruise ship sank."
    "Amazing," he says. "You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you."
    "Oh, this?" replies the woman. "I made the rowboat out of raw material that
    I found on the island; the oars were whittled from gum tree branches;
    I wove the bottom from palm branches; and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."
    "But-but, that's impossible," stutters the man. "You had no tools or hardware.
    How did you manage?"
    "Oh, that was no problem," replies the woman. "On the south side of the island,
    there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found that if I
    fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile
    iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware.
    The guy is stunned.
    "Let's row over to my place, " she says.
    After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the
    man looks onto shore, he nearly falls out of the boat. Before him is a stone
    walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the
    woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only
    stare ahead, dumb-struck.
    As they walk into the house, her beautiful breasts bouncing with each step,
    she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home.
    Sit down please; would you like to have a drink?"
    "No thank you," he says, still dazed. "Can't take any more coconut juice."
    "It's not coconut juice," the woman replies. "I have a still. How about a
    Pina Colada?"
    Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down
    on her couch to talk.
    After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to
    slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave?
    There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."
    No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There,
    in the cabinet, is a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a
    hollow ground edge are fastened onto its end, inside of a swivel mechanism.
    "This woman is amazing," he muses.
    "What next?"
    When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines and a shell
    necklace-strategically positioned-and smelling faintly of gardenias.
    She beckons for him to sit down next to her.
    "Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "we've been
    out here for a very long time. You've been lonely. I've been lonely.
    There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right about now,
    something you've been longing for all these months? You know... "
    She stares into his eyes.
    He can't believe what he's hearing. His heart begins to pound.
    He's truly in luck: "You mean...", he gasps, "...I can actually
    check my e-mail from here??"
    ------------------
    [​IMG]
     
  5. Kenneth

    Kenneth Supporting Actor

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    Several nuns were in their second floor convent one night when a fire
    broke out. The nuns took their habits off and tied them together to make a
    rope to get out of the building via the window.
    After they were safely on the ground and out of the building, a news
    reporter came over to one of the nuns and said to her, "Weren't you
    afraid that the habits could have ripped or broken since they are old?
    The nun Replied, "No, don't you know old habits are hard to break!??!
    [​IMG]
    Kenneth
     
  6. Joseph DeMartino

    Joseph DeMartino Lead Actor

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    Location:
    Florida
    Real Name:
    Joseph DeMartino
    A blonde is shopping at a supermarket. She buys a quart of milk, a single-serving pizza, and the smallest bottle of laundry detergent the store sells.
    At the check-out the man at the register looks at her purchases and at her and says, "You must be single."
    Puzzled, the blonde says, "Why yes, I am, but how did you know?"
    And the cashier says,
    Spoiler:"Because you're f***ing UGLY!"
    [​IMG]
    Regards,
    Joe
     
  7. Chuck C

    Chuck C Cinematographer

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    Scott D...
    LMFAO! Best one I've heard in a while!
    ------------------
    Chuck
    http://www.hometheaterinsider.com
     
  8. Jeff Ulmer

    Jeff Ulmer Producer

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    Your Patriotic Duty
    The President has asked that we unite for a common cause.
    The radical fundamentalist people behind recent events can not stand nudity and consider it is a sin to see a naked woman that is not their wife.
    Tonight at 7:00PM, all women are asked to run out of their houses naked, so that we may root out terrorists.
    The United States appreciates your efforts and applauds you.
    (revised to remove distinct religious group reference)
    ------------------
    Zardoz Online | Burt Lancaster is The Swimmer | dOc
     
  9. Steve Christou

    Steve Christou Long Member

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    Location:
    London, England
    Real Name:
    Steve Christou
    Ok are you guys sitting comfortably? Here goes...
    Bill had been working in a pickle factory for a number of years when he decided to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.
    He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
    His wife suggested he get therapy, but Bill said he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
    One day a few weeks later Bill came home absolutely ashen.
    His wife could see there was something seriously wrong.
    "You know how I had this urge to stick my penis into the pickle slicer?"
    "Oh Bill you didn't?"
    "Yes I did."
    "My God Bill what happened?"
    "I got fired."
    "No Bill I mean what happened with the pickle slicer?"
    "Oh ...she got fired too."
     
  10. Kenneth

    Kenneth Supporting Actor

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    A fellow in a bar notices a woman, always alone, come in on a
    fairly regular basis. After the second week, he made his move.
    "No thank you." she said politely. "This may sound rather odd
    in this day and age, but I'm keeping myself pure until I meet
    the man I love."
    "That must be rather difficult." the man replied.
    "Oh, I don't mind too much." she said. "But, it has my husband pretty upset."
    [​IMG]
    Kenneth
     
  11. Joseph DeMartino

    Joseph DeMartino Lead Actor

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    Location:
    Florida
    Real Name:
    Joseph DeMartino
    Three elderly nuns drive off a cliff on a winding mountain road outside Rome. Not long after they find themselves standing before Saint Peter at the Pearl Gates.
    "Ladies", says the Saint, "You have all lived good lives, giving up the pleasures of the flesh and the material world to tend to the sick and the poor. As a reward, before you embark upon your eternal life here, you can each live the life of any woman on Earth for three days. Who would you like to trade places with?"
    The first nun thinks about it for a moment and then says, "Julia Roberts. I would like to be Julia Roberts for three days."
    Saint Peter says, "And so you shall be" and the nun vanishes.
    The second nun looks embarassed, but then mumbles, "Madonna. I want to trade places with Madonna." Saint Peter smiles and sends her on her way without a word.
    Then he turns to the third nun and asks her who she would like to be for three days. Without hesitation she says, "Sarah Pipilina."
    Saint Peter is puzzled, "This may take some time, Sister. Who is this Sarah? Where can does she live. I have to admit I've never heard of her."
    The nun says, "I no knowa where she lives. Maybe she lives America. But she very famous. Her name, she was on front page of The New York Times yesterday."
    Saint Peter sends an aide off to find a copy of yesterday's Times, then scans the front page for the article. After a moment he stops, then begins to chuckle. Putting a gentle hand on the nun's shoulder he says, "Sister, I'm afraid I have some bad news for you. You see, this headline really says...
    Spoiler:... Sahara Pipeline Laid by 2,000 Men in 20 Days."
    Regards,
    Joe
    [Edited last by Joseph DeMartino on October 12, 2001 at 06:20 PM]
     
  12. John Spencer

    John Spencer Supporting Actor

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    A man walks into a bar, plops down on a stool, slams his hand on the bar and says "Bartender! Straight whiskey! I just had my first blowjob!"
    "Well," the bartender says as the guy slugs the drink in one gulp, "That's really something to celebrate. How about another, on the house."
    "Nah," The man replies. "If one doesn't kill the taste, nothing will."
    [​IMG]
     
  13. Kenneth

    Kenneth Supporting Actor

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    A guy was waiting in the down-town L. A. bus station for the bus
    to Pasadena. He spotted a machine with a sign that read:
    YOUR HEIGHT, YOUR WEIGHT, YOUR FORTUNE $1.00
    He stepped on the scale and dropped a dollar bill in the slot.
    Out came a card that said:
    "You are 5 feet 10 inches tall. You weigh 160 pounds, and you are
    waiting for the bus to Pasadena."
    The guy thought, "How did that machine know that? Well, I'll fool it."
    He went downstairs to the men's room, rolled up his coat collar,
    pulled down the brim of his hat, and put on a fake beard. He
    tiptoed back up the stairs, sneaked along the wall, spun around
    and jumped on the scale and quickly placed another dollar in the
    slot. Out came a card that read:
    "You are 5 feet 10 inches tall, you weigh 160 pounds, and while
    you were screwing around down in the men's room, you missed the
    bus to Pasadena."
    [​IMG]
    Kenneth
     
  14. brentl

    brentl Cinematographer

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    [​IMG] [​IMG]
     
  15. Aurel Savin

    Aurel Savin Supporting Actor

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    Two gay guys are in a urinal in a bar in San Francisco.
    One of the guys looks over to the others penis and sees a Nicorette patch on it.
    Curiouslly he asks ...
    "No offense, but isn't that supposed to be on your arm?"
    "I am not sure, but it's damn working. I am down to only 2 butts a day!"
    ------------------
    RIGHT ... CHEERS!
    The Hole
     
  16. Brent Cantrell

    Brent Cantrell Stunt Coordinator

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  17. Jon_Are

    Jon_Are Cinematographer

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    I was in a bar the other day and bumped into a man with a small orange as a head.
    "Wow. How did you get that small orange as a head?" I asked.
    "Well, it's a long story," replied the man "Do you want to hear it?"
    "Sure," I said.
    "OK. Well I was walking down this road a couple of days ago when I came across a lamp. I rubbed it and a genie appeared and granted me three wishes."
    "Wow! What did you wish for?"
    "Well, my first wish was for all the money I could ever need..."
    "Did you get it?"
    "Yeah! My second wish was to have all the women I could ever need to fulfill all my fantasies."
    "Wow! What was your third wish then?"
    "To have a small orange for a head."
    Jon
    ------------------
    "This one goes to eleven." (Nigel Tufnel)
     
  18. Kenneth

    Kenneth Supporting Actor

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    A man was on holiday in the Caribbean and liking the continual good
    weather, settled down for a day's sunbathing. He fell asleep and
    after a whole day his legs were sunburnt beyond belief and he could
    hardly stand the pain.
    So he goes along to the doctor for treatment. The doctor looks at his
    sunburnt legs and said, 'well, you realize that this is only a small
    village surgery and in reality I've really got nothing at all to help
    you. However, try this " and he gives him one tablet of Viagra.
    The man says 'but I've got acute sunburn what's a Viagra tablet going
    to do ?
    The doctor says, 'basically, nothing at all for the sunburn but it will
    help keep the sheets off of your legs tonight.'
    [​IMG]
    Kenneth
     
  19. Kenneth

    Kenneth Supporting Actor

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    A couple just started their Lamaze class and they
    were given an activity requiring the husband to
    wear a bag of sand -- to give him an idea of what
    it feels like to be pregnant. The husband stood
    up and shrugged saying, "This doesn't feel so
    bad."
    The Lamaze instructor then dropped a pen and asked
    the husband to pick it up.
    "You want me to pick up the pen as if I were preg-
    nant, the way my wife would do it?" the husband
    asked.
    "Exactly," replied the instructor.
    To the delight of the other husbands, he turned
    to his wife and said, "Honey, pick up that pen for
    me."
    [​IMG]
    Kenneth
     
  20. Inspector Hammer!

    Inspector Hammer! Executive Producer

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    Location:
    Houston, Texas
    Real Name:
    John Williamson
    A severe rainstorm causes a flood in this nieghborhood, and this guy climbs up on the roof of his house to avoid being drowned, well an hour later the water is up to the base of his roof, and then a guy in a small rowboat comes by and says to the man on the roof
    "Hey buddy, get in this boat quick, the water is getting higher by the minuet!"
    The man on the roof replies "No thanks, if God wants me to live, he'll give me a sign." So the guy in the boat says "O.k. good luck." and rows on.
    A half an hour passes and the water is up to the guy's feet, then a second guy in another small boat comes by and says to the man on the roof "Hey man, your gonna drown if you don't get in this here boat!" To witch the guy on the roof says "No thanks, if God wants me to live, he'll send me a sign." So the man in the boat rows on.
    Ten minuets pass, and the water is now up to the guys neck, once again, a third guy comes by in a small boat and says "Oh shit man, get in here quick your gonna drown any minuet now!" and once again the man replies "No thanks, if God wants me to live, he'll send me a sign." so the guy in the boat rows on.
    The guy on the roof drowns and goes on up to heaven, and when he gets their he asks God "Dear lord, why did you forsaken me?" to witch God replies "You dumb jackass, why didn't you get into one of those three boats I sent you!?" DOAH!!
    ------------------
    God bless the USA and the men and woman of our military and their families!
     

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