Joke thread

Jeffrey D

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Jeffrey D Hanawalt
I looked back a ways into the after hours, and couldn’t find a thread about jokes people have heard.
Here goes-

The Kentuckian needed to cut down a few trees on his property, so he goes to the local hardware store. The salesman shows him a chainsaw that he claims can cut up several trees in one day. The Kentuckian buys it, and off he goes. A couple of days later, the frustrated Kentuckian comes back to the store, saying the chainsaw must be defective- it took him the whole weekend to cut up 1 small tree. The salesman looks at the chainsaw, sees nothing out of the ordinary, then pulls the cord to start it. The Kentuckian, a confused look on his face, says “What’s that noise?”
 

Scott Merryfield

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A drunk staggers out of the bar, and sees a police officer on the street corner. The drunk walks up to him.

Drunk, in a slurred voice: "Excuse me, officer. I've lost my car"

Officer: "Where did you last remember seeing it, sir?"

Drunk, holding up car key: "At the end of this key."

Officer, rolling eyes: "Sorry, but that doesn't help. Also, sir, you may want to zip up your fly -- it's open."

Drunk, looks down, astounded: "Oh, my god! I've lost my girl friend, too!"
 
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Scott Merryfield

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My wife was a legal assistant for many years, so I collected lawyer jokes:

An attorney is at the Pearly Gates, where he meets St. Peter.

St. Peter: "Your name, sir?"

Attorney: "Mr. Jones."

St. Peter: "Profession?"

Attorney: "I was an attorney."

St. Peter: "Welcome, Mr. Jones."

Attorney: "I have to ask, St. Peter, but what did I die from?"

St. Peter: "Old age."

Attorney: "I don't understand. I was only 38 years old."

St. Peter: "Well, we used your time sheets..."
 

Jeffrey D

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Jeffrey D Hanawalt
With the departures of players the Patriots have been enduring, an aspiring football player, name of Anderson, figured “What have I got to lose?”
He finagled a meeting with coach/GM Belichick, and told him he thinks he can help the Patriots.
Belichick asked him what position he plays.
Anderson’s response- “Sort of stooped over, like this.”
 

John Dirk

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I am NOT referencing anything in this thread but I've learned from other forums that threads like this can quickly get out of control, despite the intention of the creator.

Just sayin'
 

Alan_H

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My wife was a legal assistant for many years, so I collected lawyer jokes:

An attorney is at the Pearly Gates, where he meets St. Peter.

St. Peter: "Your name, sir?"

Attorney: "Mr. Jones."

St. Peter: "Profession?"

Attorney: "I was an attorney."

St. Peter: "Welcome, Mr. Jones."

Attorney: "I have to ask, St. Peter, but what did I die from?"

St. Peter: "Old age."

Attorney: "I don't understand. I was only 38 years old."

St. Peter: "Well, we used your time sheets..."
Q: What do lawyers use for birth control?

A: Their personality.
 
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Jeffrey D

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Jeffrey D Hanawalt
Did you hear about the Kentuckian who locked himself out of his car?

It took him 2 hours to get his family out.
 
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Jeffrey D

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Jeffrey D Hanawalt
Tragic what happened to the Kentuckian who drowned. Reports are he attempted to build a basement under his houseboat.
 

Johnny Angell

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This is a little on the off-color side so I’ll spoilerize it.

It’s a 6 inch bird with a twelve inch dick. Whenever it comes in for a landing it cries “oh no! Oh no!”
 

Jeffrey D

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An elderly man who was in a high performance car was stopped by a cop on I-80 eastbound near Bloomsburg PA. The cop tells him he was speeding. The man insists he did nothing wrong- “I swear, officer- I was doing the exact speed limit of 80- that funny shaped blue sign told me so”. The cop
says, “No, sir- that’s the interstate number-
the rectangular white signs are the posted speed limits”. The man gets a terrified look in his face and says “Thank you so much for straightening me out, officer- I just came off of 180 a few minutes ago.”
 

Wiseguy

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Erich P. Wise
A father buys a lie-detecting robot that slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it out at dinner one night.

The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.

The son says, "I did some homework."

The robot slaps the son.

"Ok! Ok! I was at a friend's house watching movies."

Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"

Son says, "Toy Story." And the robot slaps him again.

The son says, "Alright, already! We were watching porn."

"What!?" Yells Dad. "At your age I didn't even know what porn was."

The robot promptly slaps Dad.

"Ha!" laughs Mom, "he certainly is your son."

And the robot slaps the mom.
 

Wiseguy

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Erich P. Wise
A man received the following text from his neighbor: I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, probably more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.

The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and shot his wife.

A few moments later, a second text came in: Damn autocorrect. I meant "WIFI", not "wife".
 

Jeffrey D

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Jeffrey D Hanawalt
A man walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a drink. A guy is noodling away on the bar piano. His pet monkey, that was sitting on top of the piano, all of the sudden crawls off the piano, across the bar, and urinates in the man’s drink. The man, a bit perplexed and angry, says to the guy, “Do you know your monkey took a leak in my frosty mug of beer?”
The guy says, “No, but if you hum a few bars, I might be able to pick it up.”
 

The Drifter

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Jim
A big piece of string walks into a bar & orders a drink. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve pieces of string in here."

Upset, the piece of string walks into the bathroom & looks at himself in the mirror. He then pulls the little strings out of his head so that he looks frazzled, and also ties himself into a knot.

He walks back into the bar and orders a drink again. The bartender, puzzled - says, "Aren't you that piece of string that was just here..?"

"No," says the piece of string, "I'm a frayed knot."
 

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