Joke of the Day (1 Viewer)

[Chuck C]

after sex my wife turns to me and says, "are you gay?"
-darryl hammond doin rodney dangerfield on SNL
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Chuck
http://www.hometheaterinsider.com

 

[KeithAP]

Once upon a time...
There was a prostitute. She had worked in this profession all her life. Over the years she saved and invested most of her money and was now very wealthy. She retired from the biz and decided she wanted to get married and have a normal life. Because of her past, she decided she wanted to marry a man that was a virgin.
She placed ads in newspapers all over the world. She listed a variety of the traits she was looking for including her desire that the man be a virgin. Finally, she settled on a Australian man. He had done nothing but drive trucks through the "outback" of Australia all his life. They got along great and he said he was a virgin.
On their wedding night they retire to their hotel room. Both are very excited. She says she is going to slip into something more comfortable and heads into the bathroom. When she returns, in her finest lingerie, her new husband is standing naked in the middle of the room, with all the furniture piled up to one side.
She asked, "What the hell is going on here?" And her new husband replied, "Well its true I never made love to a woman before, but if its anything like screwing a kangaroo we are going to need lots of room!"
-Keith

 

[Brad_W]

A horrible little joke:
All during his life this guy (insert the name of a guy) is told by his father that sex is an evil thing. It is very wrong and women should not be trusted. He also tells his son that a woman's vagina will eat a man's penis and that he should never have sex.
Fearing sex all his life the guy, (whomever you have chosen) is a virgin. Finally he turns 21 and goes to a bar to celebrate. While drinking an attractive woman sits next to him and attempts to pick him up.
He tells her that he's not dating at this time and to leave him alone. The woman persists and finally gets "the guy" to go back to her place. She is all over him trying to have sex and the guy continually refuses.
"Why won't you have sex with me?" she askes.
"My father told me that sex is evil." he replies.
"Why is it evil?"
"Because women have teeth down there and will bite my penis off."
She takes her clothes off.
"Let me show you there's no danger."
She spreads her legs.
"Well?" she askes.
"Well, there's no teeth down there but,
Spoiler:Your gums are really swollen.
Horrible, I know.
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"I was born to murder the world." -Nix (Lord of Illusions)
My Home Page http://www.geocities.com/masternix/DVD.html
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[Chuck C]

Brad, my Greek Civilization professor who, by the way, graduated from Harvard, told that joke to our class the other day! We were talking about the birth of Aphrodite and that topic came up. Is that weird or what!
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Chuck
http://www.hometheaterinsider.com

 

[Brad_W]

Chuck, that is friggin' weird. I think I heard that joke many years ago. How bizzare to tell it to a college class too! Well, very humorous (not the bone) to say the very least about the coincidence. cool.
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"I was born to murder the world." -Nix (Lord of Illusions)
My Home Page http://www.geocities.com/masternix/DVD.html
My List O' DVDs:
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[Brad_W]

no more jokes?

 

[Julie K]

Two hunters are reminiscing in the local Safari Club Bar. A waitress is passing by and hears a bit of the conversation. One guy says "I've always thought it was spelled W-O-O-M". "No, no" says the second guy, "It's spelled W-H-O-M-B!" The waitress is getting pretty disgusted and yells at them "You ignorant morons! It's spelled W-O-M-B" and stalks off.
The two guys look at each other and exclaim:
Spoiler:
"What do you know! She's heard an elephant fart too!"

Inexecusable, I know.
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"Some people think I'm over-prepared, paranoid...maybe even a little crazy. But they never met any pre-Cambrian life forms, did they?"

 

[Holadem]

A chicken and an Egg are chillin' in bed after screwing. Well only the chicken is chillin' cause the Egg is fuming:
"I guess that solves that one, eh?..."
--
Holadem - I would be surprised if anyone got this one. Took me a couple of days. Just in case:
Spoiler:"Who came first, the chicken or the egg?"
[Edited last by Holadem on October 25, 2001 at 05:00 PM]
[Edited last by Holadem on October 25, 2001 at 05:01 PM]

 

[EugeneR]

A man walks into a pub and sees a sign above the bar:
CHEESE SANDWICH--$1.50
HAM SANDWICH --$2.50
HAND JOB --$50.00
The man carefully examines the contents of his wallet and motions to one of the shapely women standing behind the bar.
She walks over, and he whispers to her "Are you the one that gives the handjobs?" She smiles seductively, leans over the bar and whispers "Yes, I am. Would you like one?" The man replies Spoiler:"No. I want you to wash your hands and make me a cheese sandwich!"

 

[Gregg Shiu]

Oh man, I feel so awful for liking this joke, but it cracks me up everytime. No offense meant to anyone by it.
Man: "Hi there new neighbor, it sure is a mighty nice day to be moving"
Neighbor 1: "Yes, it is and people around here seem extremely friendly"
Man: "So what is it you do for a living?"
Neighbor 1: "I am a professor at the University, I teach deductive reasoning"
Man: "Deductive reasoning, what is that?"
Neighbor 1: "Let me give you and example. I see you have a dog house out back. By that I deduce that
you have a dog."
Man: "That is right"
Neighbor 1: "The fact that you have a dog, leads me to deduce that you have a family"
Man: "Right again"
Neighbor 1: "Since you have a family I deduce that you have a wife"
Man: "Correct"
Neighbor 1: "And since you have a wife I can deduce that you are heterosexual."
Man: "Yup"
Neighbor 1: "That is deductive reasoning"
Man: "Cool"
Later that Same Day:
Man: "Hey I was talking to that new guy who moved in next door"
Neighbor 2: "Is he a nice guy?"
Man: "Yes, and he has an interesting job"
Neighbor 2: "Oh, yeah what does he do?"
Man: "He is a professor of deductive reasoning at the University"
Neighbor 2: "Deductive reasoning, what is that"
Man: "Let me give you an example. Do you have a dog house?"
Neighbor 2: "No"
Spoiler:Man: "Fag."

 

[Jon_Are]

An elderly man lays dying in his bed. In death's agony, he suddenly smells the aroma of his all-time favorite food, chocolate chip cookies, wafting up the stairs. He gathers his remaining strength, and lifts himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly makes his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forces himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawls downstairs.
With labored breath, he leans against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven: there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table are literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. Is this heaven? Or is it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he leaves this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he throws himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted; the wondrous taste of the cookie is already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand trembles on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it is suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife
Spoiler:..."Fuck off," says she, "they're for the funeral."

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--Owner of the North American rights to the small-orange-for-a-head joke. http://www.hometheaterforum.com/uub/...ML/005319.html
[Edited last by Jon_Are on October 26, 2001 at 06:06 PM]
[Edited last by Jon_Are on October 26, 2001 at 06:09 PM]
[Edited last by Jon_Are on October 26, 2001 at 06:10 PM]

 

[Chuck C]

oooohhh mannn, that's awful, Jon ..hahahah!
ok ok...
How Do You Cure Constipation?
Spoiler:Sit on a block of cheese and swallow a mouse

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Chuck
Chuckster's HT Site
The At-Home Home Theater (E.L.)
The Dorm Room Theater (E.L.)
[Edited last by Chuck C on October 26, 2001 at 08:23 PM]

 

[Chris Wittry]

A couple of crappy Engineering jokes that make me laugh (cause I'm a geek):
Q: Why does steak have a higher electrical state than hamburger?
A: Because hamburger is grounded!
Q: What do you get when you cross a mountain goat with a rock climber?
A: Nothing, because a rock climber is a scaler!
OK, if you laughed at the 1st one, then you're a minor geek, but if you laughed at the 2nd one, then you're a MAJOR geek!
Funny story, I was at a strip club (for a bachelor party) and I was pretty drunk. I had just heard that joke about the scaler earlier in the day. When I've been drinking, I get very arrogant, so I decided to tell the joke to a stripper, thinking I'd have a good laugh at her non-reaction to the joke. Boy did that backfire on me when she started laughing at it and then proceeded to tell me why the joke was funny. Turns out she was a pre-med major and had taken quite a few math classes. DOH! Didn't see that coming!

 

[Dan Whalen]

Man, what's up with the little black spoiler boxes?

Four nuns die and go to heaven. They are at the gate and St. Peter asks them if any of them have ever sinned. One nun says, "Yes, one time I looked at a man's penis." St. Peter tells her to wash her eyes in the tub of holy water and enter heaven. He asks the next nun the same question. She says, "Yes, one time I touched a man's penis." He tells her to wash her hands in the holy water and enter heaven. He asks the third nun the same question, but before she can answer, the fourth nun stops her. St. Peter asks what is wrong. The fourth nun says, "I'm not washing my mouth in that holy water after she sticks her ass in there!"
Trying to think of some more, but I can't think of them.
Dan

 

[Drew Bethel]

A grasshopper walks into a bar. Delighted to see him, the bartender says, "Welcome. We actually have a drink named after you!" The grasshopper appearing to be curious says, "Really? You have a drink named Steve?"

 

[Jon_Are]

Two Irishmen, Murphy and O'Brian grew up in the same village together. They were friends all their lives, married a pair of sisters, and lived just down the street from one another.
But now, Murphy had cancer, and was lying on his deathbed,
surrounded by his friends.
He calls, "O'Brian, come 'ere O'Brian. I 'ave a request for
ye." O'Brian walks to his friends bedside and kneels down.
"O'Brian, we've been friends all our lives, and now I'm dying 'ere. I 'ave one last request fir ye to do."
O'Brian bursts into tears, "Anything Murphy, anything ye wish. It's done."
"Well, under me bed is a box containing a bottle of the finest whiskey in all of Ireland. Bottled the year I was born it was. After I die, and they plant me in the ground, I want you to pour that fine whiskey over me grave so it might soak into me bones and I'll be able to enjoy it for all eternity."
O'Brian was overcome by the beauty and true Irish spirit
of his friend's request.
"Aye, tis a fine thing you ask of me, and I will pour the
whiskey. But, might I strain it through me kidneys first?"
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--Owner of the North American rights to the small-orange-for-a-head joke. http://www.hometheaterforum.com/uub/...ML/005319.html

 

[Kenneth]

Here's an old one, but topical for World Series Week:
Two friends share a lifelong love of baseball. One night they make a pact that whichever one dies first will return to tell the other if there is a baseball team in heaven.
The years go by an finally one of the friends dies. The other is saddened, but he also is now expectant of finding the answer to their lifelong question of whether there is a baseball team in heaven.
The night of his friends funeral he is awakened by a sound.
"John, is that you?", he asks.
"Yes", replies his friend.
"John, you must tell me, is there a baseball team in heaven?"
John sighs and says, "Well, I have some good news and some bad news. First, the good news; there is a baseball team in heaven."
"What's the bad news?" asks his friend.
Spoiler:"You're pitching next week.", replies John.
Kenneth

 

[Bhagi Katbamna]

One day a 50 something man is sitting in the park. Next to him on another bench is one of those multi-pierced, green and purple mohawk-sporting, multi-tattood teenage freaks. The older man can't stop staring at the teenager. This soon annoys said freak.
"What you lookin' at old man?" he asks.
The old man replies, "Nothing, 19 years ago, I got drunk and did something naughty with a peacock. I am just wondering, are you my son?"
[Edited last by Bhagi Katbamna on October 30, 2001 at 09:25 AM]

 

[Bjorn Olav Nyberg]

During all my years growing up in Norway, we kids always had plenty of Swedish jokes. In all of my naivety, I never realized there were so many Norwegian jokes. I never heard any growing up, and was never told any from any Swedes, although we gave 'em plenty of opportunities... As a penitence, here are a few for your entertainment:
http://minnesota-mania.com/Jokes/OleLena.htm
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[Bjorn Olav Nyberg]

Ok, posting online links is kinda lame, so I'll try actually remembering one as well. Kind of long, but those are the best ones...
Oh, and by the way, those black boxes are spoilers. Kind of pointless to have them in a joke thread if you ask me, but to view them, highlight them just like you would highlight text.
Little Ole grew up on the Norwegian countryside, having not a single friend nor a single toy, except what he could make on his own. One day, during rummaging thorugh the woods behind their house, Ole finds an old German stick grenade from the second world war. Not knowing what it is, Ole keeps playing with it, thinking it is completely harmless, until one day when it goes off without warning. Since it was so old, it does not kill him, but he loses one eye in the blast. Because they were so poor, his father could not afford the proper health care, so he makes an artificial eye out of wood for his boy.
As the years goes one, all the years through school, Ole does not make any friends at all, and he hasn't even dared trying to talk to a girl all his life. Having a wooden eye does not help his self confidence, so he keeps to himself.
Until one day, a class of English students are visiting his school. On the last evening of their stay, a party is arranges for the English visitors. Ole does show up, even though he doesn't expect to talk to anyone, not to mention dance with a girl. Until he spots one of the English girls, sitting by herself in a corner. She has got a wooden leg, and appears not to be talking to anyone either. "Finally someone for me", Ole thinks. "Maybe I can talk to this girl, maybe even ask her for a dance!" So he pulls himself together, walks over to the girl, and ask her: "Would you like to dance?"
The girl answers: "Would I?"
To which Ole promptly screams "PEG LEG!" and runs away
:'-(
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Click here if you want to see Looney Tunes on DVD!
"You're 10 seconds away from the most embarrassing moment of your life!"
Click here to admit you want to see Ford Fairlane on DVD!
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