How do I re-establish contact with an old friend? (1 Viewer)

[MickeS]

Ted, yeah, but if the friendship is making your life worse than it would be without that "friendship", that's where it needs to stop. It's very individual.

/Mike

 

[Ted Lee]

yeah...i agree mike.
i should have stated that friendship is a two-way street! you should definitely not feel burdened by it...then it's not a friendship anymore...just an annoyance. i've had a couple of those too.

 

[Steve Tannehill]

I think we need to set up an "Ask Buzz" advice column.
Scott, a real friendship will resume after any lapse. I have known my best friend from high school for some 22 years. We both have separate lives that keep us busy, we live over a thousand miles apart, and we only connect every few months, but the friendship is still there.
Right after college, I lost contact with this friend for a couple of years. To answer the original question--about how one can re-establish contact--I had no idea where he lived, so I sent a letter in care of his Mom's home address. When I least expected it, and most needed it, he got the letter and called me. (It was a bizarre and funny situation, but I won't get into that here.)
I also had a friendship that fell apart after I came out. To some degree, we were both at-fault. As Buzz suggests, it did take counseling to resolve my issues, and even then, it took time for me to get over the friendship. But get over it, I did.

I guess I feel no closure because he didn't give me a chance to explain and he didn't understand my feelings.

And he is under no obligation to listen to you. I sympathize, though. I can't tell you how many times I thought of a new way to explain things and try to heal this particular damaged, dysfunctional friendship. It did not happen, and over time, I came to accept that.
Good luck,
Steve

 

[Will K]

There's a lot of good advice here. I may sound like a broken record, but being able to identify with this, I feel compelled to throw my 2 cents in.

Honestly, I'd let this go. This person obviously has issues and your confession to him brought them to the surface. He probably doesn't hate you, but his actions clearly suggest insecurities or feelings he doesn't want to confront. A lot of people out there don't live in the real world and he was probably hoping the issue would go away and you'd never mention it again. Unfortunately, when we have romantic feelings about someone, it can hard to keep our mouths shut. What sucks is that often the other party, male or female, straight or gay, just feels weird about the whole thing and suddenly there's an acute awkwardness that wasn't there before. My point is, this is his problem, not yours.

Personally, I don't keep friends around who don't accept me the way I am. I was a socially inept youth who often pursued friendships with people who, in reality, didn't want me around. I've been there with the whole "I'm in love with a straight boy" thing. It just leads to heartache and I learned years ago not to let myself develop those feelings. There's no crime in revealing such feelings, but one just has to be prepared if the result isn't what you had in mind. Rejection hurts like nothing else. You don't deserve it so why set yourself for it? I say to hell with him.

Furthermore, we don't always get closure in this world. They might get closure in the movies, but in real life we are all going to die with some kind of pain in our hearts. It's just a fact of life but we cannot let it control us or interfere with our happiness.

Good luck.

 

[MickeS]

Will, that is a very true statement.

/Mike

 

[Ryan Wright]

A good friend of mine came out some 6 years ago. While I do not approve of his lifestyle, I still approve of him as a person, and he is still very much a good friend of mine. He lives out of town but we communicate via email, and every few months he comes back to visit his parents and we usually get together to BS for awhile.

I have to say, though, if he told me he was sexually attracted to me, I don't think I would want anything to do with him again. See, I don't worry about that sort of thing, because to me, we're the same old friends we've always been. But if he did, I would view that as trying to pull me into his lifestyle, and there's no way I'd go down that road.

(hit SUBMIT too soon the first time)

 

[ScottR]

I would like to thank everyone for their advice and words of wisdom. I will be fine! And I think that someday he will come around, but if he doesn't, I wish him all the best!!

 

[JonZ]

Well,true friendship is accepting people the way they are.

The problem with being friends with somone who likes you is it can cause unpleasant situations. I mentioned this is my earlier post. I was close to someone who liked me romantically and it became ugly becuase when she was around my g/f - fights would erupt over nothing, jealousy was constantly a issue,bickering back and forth between them, - it got SO ugly,my last words to her where "F*ck you, you c*nt" slamming my fist on a table.
I wouldnt breakoff a friendship if a male friend was gay but he would have to understand that Im not. And I would hope I wouldnt have to worry about him.

" I'd bet many straight men out there find that their platonic female friends are somewhat physically attractive to them."

Most of my friends are women and a few of them are very attractive. I will admit to liking 2 of them at different times.I never told them for the same reason I never dated a friends sister - afraid it would ruin my friendship with them.

It a decision each individual in that situation has to decide for themselves. Someone said to me that great friends can lead to a great relationship but I wasnt willing to chance it. They mean the world to me and nothing is worth ruining my friendship with them.

 

[Jefferson]

Brilliant, Buzz.

 

[ScottR]

There is one thing that is getting lost in this conversation though. I never said that I thought he was straight. On the contrary, I thought he was gay...and so did everyone else. Only when I confronted him about his sexuality did the friendship begin to decline...it came to the breaking point when I told him I liked him. I probably would not have told him if I were sure he were straight.

 

[Dave_Brown]

Maybe even he doesn't know if he is straight or gay and you approaching him that way added to an already confusing frame of mind? Before you told him you had feelings like that for him, it might have been better in the long run to ask him just what his preferences are.

As for being better off by being happy and admitting love, that can also be viewed as rather selfish on your part. You took your own needs into consideration when admitting your attraction but didn't stop to think what it might do to his lifestyle.

Basically, I think doing what you think is right is the only way to go, but you also have to be ready to accept the consequences wether they go the way you wanted to or not. In this case, it looks like they didn't turn out as you had hoped and losing him as a friend is the consequence you are forced to accept.

 

[Steve Tannehill]

Only when I confronted him about his sexuality did the friendship begin to decline...it came to the breaking point when I told him I liked him. I probably would not have told him if I were sure he were straight.

And this surprises you because...?

This person's reaction is typical of someone who is not gay and does not want to get involved with someone who is. There are other possibilities, of course, but they generally fall under the category of wishful thinking.

I don't want to sound too harsh here to family, but it is presumptious on your part to confront someone about their sexuality. If I were straight and you approached me with "I'm gay, I like you, let's hook up." I would probably also walk away. And on the surface, that is exactly what has happened here.

I think it is time to let go and move on, and to not expect reconciliation.

- Steve

 

[ScottR]

I just wanted a little bit of advice, and you guys have given it to me. Thank you very much! Like I stated earlier, I am fine. I have friends who care very much about me and I cherish them everyday. I have a great personality, I am attractive, intelligent, awesome social life, and a damned good DVD collection..... I can't complain!!!!!

 

[Bill Catherall]

Well I tried emailing my friend last night. Unfortunately the email was kicked back "user unknown." So it seems he's no longer using his old email address. I tried emailing someone else that might have it but their email got kicked back with the same error (emailed myself just to see if my ISP was working ).
I could probably get his email address through Classmates.com because he's listed there, but I'd have to pay. So I'm at a dead end until I can find someone that can give me his email.
Oh well.

 

[Ted Lee]

hey bill -

i think my sister and/or a friend of mine is on classmates.com. if you'd like, email me his info and i'll try to get an address for you.

ted

 

[Bill Catherall]

Thanks Ted!! You've got mail!

 

[Ted Lee]

no problem bill - i just sent your info to my contacts...hopefully it'll work out. i'll keep you posted!

 

[Rain]

Gay men commonly establish friendships with straight men to whom they are physically attracted.

Just for the record, you don't speak for all of us with that comment.

I have many straight male friends and I'm not attracted to any of them. I befriend people whose company I enjoy and with whom I share common interests. Attraction just doesn't factor into it.

 

[ScottR]

It's hard to get really sound advice on this issue, as I am the only one here that probably knows my friend. Trust me, he is more likely gay than straight. However, that doesn't mean that the attraction that I had for him was mutual.

 

[Rain]

However, when making new friends, I personally find it easier to approach men who fit the general profile I like.

That's fine, Buzz, so long as you are speaking for yourself and not for all of us. That's my only request.