Hyphenated names--they must be stopped (1 Viewer)

[Leila Dougan]

My mother kept her maiden name and it was never really a problem for me (had my father's name). Occasionally someone would think she was my step-mother but in the end, nobody really thought anything of the name differences. After all, there's plenty of married couples with different last names, especially those that were the product of the 70s.

Anyway, I hate that hyphen BS. When I got married, I didn't know if I was going to keep my maiden name or change it to my husband's, but I knew for damn sure I wasn't going to do the hyphenated thing. After all, it only *really* works when both people change their name and my husband wouldn't even discuss it. Not that that's a bad thing. . .after all I wouldn't discuss it either

In the end, I changed my name and it's been alright. It's taken me this long (2 years) to finally get used to it. Now my maiden name looks wrong to me which, incidentally, is still my username here. My husband is an HTF member as well, but I'll leave it up to you guys to figure out who.

 

[Casey Trowbridg]

At a family reunion a couple years ago, a second cousin of mine and his wife told a story that I thought was kind of funny. His last name is Johnson, but that was also her last name before they got married. She said it took some work to convince a few people that she had in fact gotten married. If they put a hyphon in their name it would be Johnson-Johnson which I think would be really funny.

 

[Chris]

My wife kept her last name, I kept mine, the kids got hers. Poker game decided it when we were married.

That having been said, the situation with Hyphens is actually a messy one, as credit card companies do have serious worries about it. Most of the software they use is designed to accept so many characters, and when it's longer then that.. so if you've got a whopper of a last name (name hyphen name hyphen name hyphen name as an example) how to squeeze that onto a card or into their system?

 

[Keith Mickunas]

What you two did on your honeymoon is really not appropriate for this forum.

 

[Yee-Ming]

Buzz and Keith, all I can say/do is:-

Chris, it seems aa bit unusual that your kids have your wife's surname; is this indeed uncommon or has this increased in recent years? I can say that it wouldn't happen here with MCP Asian cultural mindsets...

 

[Leila Dougan]

LOL Buzz! That would be quite the story, wouldn't it? I think with my obviously female sounding name, we couldn't quite pull it off

 

[MarkHastings]

I thought of Gilbert Gottfrieds' bit about the "Land of the three named people"

 

[Jeff Perry]

Wanting an intact name for my family and children does not make me a controlling brute, sir. The act of marriage is "becoming one flesh"; part of that is taking on your husband's name. Keeping your own or hyphenating it is a fallback; it says to me, "I really don't love you enough to become a permanent part of your family."

I'd suggest any woman considering this ask her soon to be husband what he thinks. Men are often hurt by this action; not a good way to start off a marriage. Unless you feel his thoughts don't matter, in which case he would be wise to find a more suitable wife.

If a couple mutually agrees this is OK, more power to them. It's not my business. However, the OP asked a question and I provided my thoughts. Suggesting I treat my wife as an animal because I wanted to marry someone who shared my belief in this matter is disgusting behavior at best.

 

[MarkHastings]

I also agree that. One could argue that a woman hyphenating her name is a way of separating herself from the relationship. If there is a fear of somehow losing her identity over the new name, then why would she want to get married in the first place? because (as jeff stated), marriage is about 'becoming one'.

Keeping her maiden name for business purposes is ok, but even then you have to wonder what purpose it really does.

 

[Julie K]

When I was much younger and not quite as self-assured as I am today, I was musing (much to my chagrin today!) to my dad that if I got married that the guy "better let me keep my name." My dad looked at me sternly and replied "What do you mean let?" I must say that completely clarified the issue for me and helped shape my tender little sensibilities into what they are today.

Of course, there doesn't really seem to be any chance of me actually having to personally deal with the issue so civilization is secure.

 

[Jeff Perry]

I want to echo your comments Julie because you do have a point. Nobody should go into a marriage asking for "permission" to do anything. If you want to keep your last name, then marry a man who doesn't mind. It's not a matter of him "letting" you keep it, it's a matter of your treating him with enough respect to not marry him if he doesn't feel the same way (as opposed to forcing him to accept it, his feelings be damned).

That's what dating is for: To find out if you are compatible in the areas that matter. If this one is a deal breaker for you (as it was for me), find someone who is on your side.

 

[Jason Seaver]

Well, then shouldn't the man be changing his name too? I mean, the man could be feeling the same thing, but his resolve isn't tested, so to speak. This strikes me as something that's kind of hypocritical for a man to say. I always half-wondered why a man should be hurt by a woman retaining her name; that is, after all, the name of the person you feel in love with.

 

[Tim K]

Well, I don't think anyone should have to change their name, however it just seems to be the easiest solution. In our society, women have traditionally changed to their husband's name. People have come to expect that a woman's last name is her husbands. I'm not saying we should all follow traditions like sheep, but it just seems easier than having to explain what is going on. Who wants to always say "oh, that's my husband's name, my name is blahblahblah." Plus, its more difficult for the kids to have parents with two different names, one of which is different from their own. In my opinion, the whole hyphenating thing is a terrible thing to do to children. Why make things harder on them just because you like your last name? Its just a name, its really not that important.

All the hyphenating is getting out of control. I knew a guy who went by his full name, sort of like John Paul Jones. He then got married and hyphenated his wife's name onto his own and became John Paul Smith-Jones. It was rediculous.

 

[MarkHastings]

Exactly. I'd be curious to find out just how many women (with hyphenated names) wanted (and had) a 'tradional' wedding. A traditional wedding should mean a traditional marriage.

 

[Julie K]

Same here.

 

[Jason Seaver]

People should, perhaps, get over it. Not overnight, perhaps, but there are numerous trends in society working against this expectation. Institutions evolve, including marriage.


It's funny, actually, since I remember a friend and I sharing confused looks and laughing when his brother chose to hyphenate his name after getting married. Now, though, I've got to say it seems like the most simultaneously romantic and fair option available, though it'd probably be impractical if everyone started doing it.

 

[Leila Dougan]

Actually it's not. Most days I forget that my parents have different last names. If anything, kids marvelled at how cool it was. But maybe 5 times total out of my life had anybody said anything. If anybody pointed out difference between my parents, it was the ethnic differences, not the names.

The thing is, how many of you men would change your name? Honestly. See that's the thing, at least with my husband and I. He wouldn't consider changing his name ot anything because "I've had my name all my life". Well, duh, me too! I happen to like my maiden name, I like how uncommon it is, and I like the fact that it reflects my heritage. My parents were even a little disappointed that I ended up changing my name. But in the end I did it anyway, for better or worse.

As much as I don't like the hyphenated name thing, I really have to applaud the men for wanting to change their names too. There are some men who are willing, of course, but from my experience they are few and far in between.

Now, for all of you that feel that if the women keeps her maiden name that they are not bonded together as one, how do you feel about a couple not wearing wedding rings?

 

[Zen Butler]

Nice to know my family isn't the only one that weighted their kids with four names.

As far as hyphenated names in marriage. I guess I lean to the other extreme. Why can't people just keep their own name?


I don't quite get the "bonded together as one", "union", "fusion" argument. Are the parts not working individually. This is starting to sound an awful lot like this horrid elective zen class I took in college. Circular babble.

 

[Jeff Gatie]

Because to some people, tradition means a lot. To others, breaking tradition means a lot. Is it so hard to understand that the man thinking "if my wife does not want to take my name it offends my values of what is traditional and I won't marry her" is no different than "I want to break the silly tradition of giving up my name and my future husband is not allowed to give me grief about it" are the opposite sides of the same coin. Why should a wife be able to demand her future husband have the same values as she (i.e. he is not to get upset at your decision), yet the husband is seen as a bigot/chauvinist/paternalist if he requires his future wife to share his values? The moral of the story is exactly what Julie's father said "What do you mean let". A person should marry a person that shares his/her values, no "permission" needed then, cause you both want the same thing. Anyone else gets the boot real quick.

 

[Julie K]

Actually, the moral goes beyond the marriage and name issue...