Guys, got a question regaurding friends (somewhat long) (1 Viewer)

[Ryan DC]

First, I would like to say hi to all of you on this forum and to introduce myself on here since this is my first post in this section of HTF/AHL!

Well it has to do with 2 of my friends that I have known for a good 6 or 7 yrs. I will label them as friend A and B.
I've known friend A longer than friend B by about 2 yrs. Both have lived in the same neighborhood as me and I went to high school with both of them. Both of these friends of mine as of lately have become real close with each other like best friends in the past yr. where as before ( ex. during high school) they were not.

Me and friend A would go out and chill almost every weekend but during the summer of 02 when friend B came down home from college, I began to notice that they have stopped including me whenever they would go out and chill. I did let them know about this and that I was kinda upset that they were, I guess you could say "dissing" me. So after talking with them about this they started to include me whenever we would go out and do things. Although they were including me I felt like at times I was kinda being left out in their conversations.

Fast forwarding to now, Friend B has come home for the holidays and it seems that they are back to their old ways again of not including me, especially friend A, who I have known the longest. It's seems like he drops me like a bad habit whenever friend B is around. So I was wondering why is it that they are doing this? I wouldn't be letting this bother me so much but I don't have many other friends. Is it because I am not as outspoken as they are (I'm more laid back)? I know that as soon as friend B leaves's again for college friend A is going to want to chill with me again but I really rather not because I'm a little upset that he seems to keep dissing me whenever friend B is around.

So should I just tell them both that it's time to go on with our lives and go on our own different paths? Or should I try to talk with them both about this again to resolve our friendships? Like I said I already spoken with them about this during the summer but I doubt that talking to them again would do any good since it seems they're back to square one. For those that are wondering, They are not gay and neither am I! lol they both have girlfriends, although I currently do not.

Thank you guys for taking the time for reading my post dealing with this current situation and also for any input you might have/personal dealings with! If there's something in my post that I'm not to clear about please let me know and I'll edit it.

 

[Walt N]

With friends like that, who needs enemies? Haven't these two been batting you around like a kitty toy in a pathetic search for their own self-worth for long enough? You are better than that and you can DO better than that. Drop them both like a bad transmission.

 

[Jason Wilcox]

"with friends like that, who needs friends?"

i think the answer is as simple as finding some new friends. though, if you really want to keep A as a friend...you could try hanging out with just B and then maybe he'll like you more.

 

[Karl_O]

Sorry I am not familar with contemporary American slang, but what does "chill" mean?

 

[Travis Olson]

Karl, "chill" means to just relax and have a good time.

It kinda sounds like friend A misses friend B when he was away at college and just wants to spend time with him before he goes back. But if they haven't been including you in some of their activities it's hard to say. I'd tell them to let you know when they are going to do such and such thing and ask to be included, if they deny you it could be that they are just using you. Best of luck.

 

[Jim_F]

Reminds me a little of my own old friends A and B. Friend A was always one of my closest friends and when we would hang out we were almost like brothers. I wasn't as tight with friend B, but I always liked his company.

Friend A and B were really good friends with each other, though, and when they got together, they would rip on me something awful. It didn't feel like good natured ribbing, either. It came off like some pretty cold-blooded humiliation.

Ultimately I ditched both of those losers.

With fiends like that, who needs enemas?



EDIT: I got an update on those two "cool guys" a few years ago. Both are incorrigible 40-something alcoholics, one in a dead end job in a perennially depressed industry, the other still living with his mom.

 

[Moe Maishlish]

I was going to type a massive response, but sat down to think about it, and what I have to say can be summed up with a couple of simple paragraphs..

Friends come and go - it's a fact. Once in a while a person will come along and will be a friend to you (and you them), and won't be required to "prove" themselves... you'll just know it.

In short, friendship is a two-way street. If A & B live on a one way street, move to a new neighbourhood. You don't need to clamour, beg, plead, and accomodate them as friends. If it feels to you like they don't want you around, then don't make yourself available to them... ever.

Moe.

 

[McPaul]

Why can't Joey and Chandler just get along, Ross?

 

[Eric_L]

It is obvious to me that A thinks B is cooler than you. B probably gets the chicks, and they both get laid when you're not around!

There is no single miracle answer. You have several choices:

1) Become more interesting. Learn how to be more outgoing and have some interesting hobbies that you can share. The single best way to engage people in conversation is to discuss their favorit topic... THEMSELVES! Try asking more questions that start 'tell me about' and include the words 'you' 'your' and 'yours'." Then you may find yourself with friends C,D,E,F and G - who are far more interesting than 'A+B'.

2) Forget about A+B. Quit waiting by the phone and find something else to do. Don't 'dis' them, just forget about them. It may seem hard to beleive at your age, but your value and quality of life is not determined by your friends. Join a club (in RL, not here!) Church, Karate, Sports Bar! anything!

3) Give up on any friends.... ever. Join a monastary. Take a vow of silence. Or just get married, same diff.
Probably get more sex in a monastary.

 

[John Giddens]

Your situation sounds all too familiar. I've had several friends from high school like your friends A and B. In fact it was a huge circle of friends A,B,C,D,E,F,G,...While no one can predict how strong of a connection you have to these two, only you can decide what their friendship is worth to you. In my case I moved on. Too much politics for me. Don't get me wrong, it took several years, too many years, for me to come to my conclusion. It was a difficult decision to say the least.

I'm only still friends with one from that large group, and he had severed ties with the big group before I did. My only regret looking back is the lack of friends I have now compared to then. To this my opinion is quality over quantity.

You have a big decision to make if these individuals are your only friends, it all boils down to how much B.S. you can tolerate. You can always make new friends come worst case scenario, and if your out of school I can understand the difficulty of that prospect, I don't exactly feel comfortable making new friends in a bar, at work, etc. as I'm a bit anti social.

Not to be repetitive but my final opinion is, if their of great importance to you, you need to have a sit down, talk it out, serious conversation with them. Letting them know how you feel and whether or not you feel it would be better to move on if the current situation doesn't improve. If they appreciate your friendship as much as you do theirs something of a compromise can be made. If not then you have to decide if their really your friends.

 

[Karl_Luph]

Hey Ryan, I've seen this type of thing happen many times. Usually it involves women, sex,drugs, drinkin',money,social status and the persuit of any of them. If you don't fit in with what they might consider being hep (cool enough) with them then you are considered out of their loop. Just because they have girlfriends doesn't mean they aren't checking out the merchandise (if you catch my drift). This becomes a trust issue that the other friends may want to keep to themselves. Of course it can be turned 180 degrees the other way and they are becoming religious and are dropping the friends that lack moral fiber. Good luck and God Bless.

 

[Cam S]

Why can't Joey and Chandler just get along, Ross?

 

[Grant B]

I had a friend from HS, his family was very poor and he had a hard life. He was a decent person which I thought got dealt a bad hand. I always tried to help in him when I could but sort of lost track of him when I moved to California.
One day he ended up on my doorstep so I let him stay for a while and helped him try and get on his feet.
After a few months I told him it was time to get his own place etc.
Well he made a copy of my key and robbed me blind. He maxed out every credit card I had and intercepted the bills when I was at work. Made a duplicate drivers license with his face on it, cashed in tresury bonds, checks...you name it he did it. Police finally caught him and he fled the state while on probation
Watch your back, people change and sometimes shit like this happens.

 

[Cam S]

Geez that's a scary story Grant, sorry to hear about that. Did you get anything back that he took?

 

[JonZ]

Ive learned ALOT (and I do mean alot) about people and how they really are in the past 5 years. About a year and 1/2 ago I had to walk away from someone I considered a brother.
Simply, he wouldnt show me simple respect and consideration and as others have said "With friends like this.....blah blah" so I simply walked away.

You should do the same.

My tolerance for bullshit is I dont have any. Who needs it. Just leave them to each other and move on.

 

[Paul Bond]

One of the most trite but true statements in personal relationships is "People change".

Friends A and B may have found a greater friendship with each other than with you. This does not necessarily mean that either of them dislikes you, just that you are secondary on their list. It is also quite likely that neither of them realizes what they are doing.

You are not likely to change them. You can take them as they are, drop them entirely, or do some combination of the two. I recommend the third option. If you want to do something with one or both, initiate the activity. Call and make plans. If 'something' always comes up to stop the activity, then you will know for sure that you are no longer on their list and you can go to step two. If not, then at least you have some part-time friends to keep company while you try out new activities and meet new people.

 

[Ryan Wright]

Here's what you do: Forget about them. Go on living your life. If they invite you to go somewhere, and you want to, then go. If they don't invite you, who cares? Find something else to do.

I've got a "best friend" like this. We were buddies all through school - from first grade on. In fact, he lives next door to me right now - we had houses built together a few years back. But I rarely see him. His life is not my life: I am married, with a six year old daughter and another on the way. He is single, and occupies his time with alcohol, constant parties, sexual relations with various women, and general irresponsibility. We get along great when we see each other, but our lives are very different. His friends are not my friends - they are the "party people" and I am not. But it's all good. Once or twice a year, he drops by and we go catch a movie or shoot some pool together, but otherwise, we do our own thing.

That's what I suggest to you. Go do your own thing. Don't worry about these two. But don't "tell them off" or otherwise make a stink about it.

 

[McPaul]

"occupies his time with alcohol, constant parties, sexual relations with various women, and general irresponsibility"
I don't know Ryan, that sounds like a helluva lotta fun to me!!
I think we all have a friend, or friends that are like this, to some extent.
Get over it and continue living. Life's too short to fret.

 

[Ryan Wright]

I don't know Ryan, that sounds like a helluva lotta fun to me!!

Let's see... he has spent time in jail for drinking & driving. He's had his house destroyed while drunk numerous times - I dropped by one morning after another party and there was blood all over his carpet and walls. Turns out half a dozen of them were drunk and were wrestling. None knew who the blood belonged to. Cleaning bill was huge.
Nevermind the countless STDs. Ever had a test for gonorrhea? Me neither. But I'm told they stick a tube way up your, err, manhood.
Yep - sounds like a blast!!

 

[KyleS]

Just move on and find some new friends. College can do some weird things to friendships because you spend so much time apart and if they dont want to get together with you when they come back for summers, holidays, then move the heck on. Find some new friends and leave it up to them to make contact with you.
Eric buddy

3) Give up on any friends.... ever. Join a monastary. Take a vow of silence. Or just get married, same diff.

From your statement it sounds as if when you get married that your life is over. For those of us who are happily married our wives would think that they have ended our social lifes by your thinking. Take it easy on those of us who are socially handicapped by families. Life really doesnt end when you get married and have a family, it just gets better and better. Now having a child, that can end your social life for a good amount of time, unless you have other friends with children. Trust me I know.
KyleS