Need advice on a friend... (1 Viewer)

[Elinor]

Geez Patrick, that just sounds so ... guy-like.

What, if a guy has attitude problems, his wife must be the problem?

Come on. He owns his own actions 100%.

 

[Patrick Sun]

Not always true, sometimes, the wife (or husband if the situation is reversed), exerts non-verbal pressure if they don't like their spouse's friends, and it turns into a lot of passive-aggressive behavior and avoidance behavior, rather than just confronting the issue that their spouse doesn't like you, and would rather pursue another circle of friends. It happens.

Hell, some of my buds get married, and all of a sudden hanging with the single guy (me) isn't what the wives want their hubby to be doing, some fear that continuation of boorish bachelor behavior, and subtly, the relationship dynamic changes, and the single friend is cut out for no good reason except for the insecurities of the wife.

Also, sometimes, your friend's spouse doesn't like your spouse (or spouse's circle of friends), and as time goes by, you see your friend less frequently because of the the dislike of spouses. It can be a lot of things. The only way to truly get to the bottom of it is to just ask the friend what's the problem, even if it mean stating hurtful things, which is better than just avoiding a life-long friend and making them wonder what is going on, and whether you did something to offend them.

Anyhow, I didn't assign all the blame on the wife, just part of it.

 

[Greg Z]

Yup,
you hit the nail on the head Patrick. I've been through it myself. Her dislikes slowly become yours. It's quite possible she just doesn't LIKE Tony's friends.

 

[Ted Lee]

patrick makes some good arguments here. i've also seen this kind of stuff firsthand.

 

[Citizen87645]

It goes the other direction too - new husband has issues with wife being friends with guy, though if you subscribe to the Harry philosophy it's probably not a bad idea.

 

[Jeff Gatie]

OK, as the official forum spokesman of the "Harry Rules" (do a search, I always seem to be the one to post this stuff), I must now post it again -


Harry's Rule #1 - A man cannot be friends with a woman he finds attractive.

Harry's Rule #2 - A man cannot be friends with a woman he finds unattractive - because he pretty much wants to nail her too.

 

[Elinor]

>"the single friend is cut out for no good reason except for the insecurities of the wife ..."

Hmmm. Let's see. He's MARRIED to her and gets sex from her. Seems like a pretty good reason to me, unless there's something about your buddies you haven't told us ....

 

[Citizen87645]

Thanks Jeff. I knew all I had to do was mention the rule and you'd fill in the rest

 

[Citizen87645]

Oh, this thread is getting good now!

 

[Jeff Gatie]

This is why I've never gotten upset at my married friends that seem to fade away. I know I'm no competition for the reward of sex and/or the punishment of nagging/losing half your stuff. I've also used this the other way around by telling girlfriends "Yeah I might see my friends more than I see you, but I'm not sleeping with them, am I?". I don't think I have to explain any further why I've been very single for a long time...:b

Edit for spelling

 

[Holadem]

Oh sure, hers is the only relationship he will ever need now.

--
H

 

[Jeff Gatie]

Only if he wants to keep having sex (and keep half his stuff!).

 

[Jeff Gatie]

Wait, I just found a flaw in Elinor's thesis. According to all my married buddies, these two are mutually exclusive, unless child bearing is involved.

(Don't blame the messenger, I'm just relaying what I heard)

 

[Elinor]

 

[Ted Lee]

 

[Joe Szott]

One possibilty that I didn't see mentioned is that your buddy and wife just had a child recently. I know our relationships changed with all our friends after that happened. Not as drastic as what is happening here, but it turns your world upside down to have a kid - you have to redefine all your relationships to some degree, even with your spouse.

They are likely feeling more isolated and regret the loss of their previous "free" time that you and wife seem to still enjoy. Thus the "too busy" comment on why you didn't call them, they don't blame you for their lack of free time but maybe they resent it anyway. They didn't notice how infrequently you talked or planned events before because they were just as busy, now you are probably one of their few social outlets.

My wife and I got lucky with a similar situation, about 18 months after we had our first son, our best friends also got pregnant just before we did with our second. I wouldn't exactly say misery loves company, but birds of a feather definitely do find it easier to flock together.

If that is the issue, I would think that setting up meetings in advance would alleviate the need to call so much. Like, "Hey, want to see _____ movie next Saturday?" Then they are looking forward to Saturday and you're off the hook for calling. Plus if child bearing has a victim, it is spontaneous decisions.

Otherwise, you could have a kid yourselves to make your friend happy.

 

[Jeff Gatie]

However, according to my married buddies, the benefit is it means a lot more sex (at least in the beginning). Foolish non-forward thinkers that they are, they all fell for it (for the second time!!!). Now they're all worried about losing half of their stuff AND all of their kid's stuff (from now until around 18 more years) along with it!

 

[Tony Whalen]

Hey gang... thanks for all the input! This thread took some..er...interesting turns... in my absense.


Ted, that's exactly what I did. (I had to take Ted's advice! He's just so popular!)

We exchanged a couple of lengthy emails, and then I called him and said "this is ridiculous... we're two 36-year-old men ... let's quit acting like kids...we're going for coffee and hashing this crap out." And we did just that.

He felt as though he was a "convienience" friend to me. Like I only contacted him if I had nothing to do, or something.

He'd been thinking about "ending the relationship" and such... to which I responded "you would 'end' a 20-year friendship without even TALKING to me about it?" "After all this time, you think I only view you as a convienience?" Pretty sure I told him to grow up.

He then said a few crass things that I called him on...and we then went for coffee to talk.

Problem solved... I still view him as a near-brother... but sometimes a needy one.

...oh... and as far as I know, it has nothing to do with his wife. MY wife thinks he was being pretty childish (I can't disagree...the emails were pretty angsty...but the conversation was quite adult)

HOWEVER... I'm guessing to myself that he's feeling a little trapped these days. Their son is nearly 2, and baby-number-two is due in March. Meantime, my wife and I have no kids, no PLANS for kids, and do as we see fit with both time and money. I think this might have increased his emotional state a tad. Just a guess on my part though.

Anywho, thanks for the input all!

 

[Holadem]

Aawww how cute.

--
H

 

[DaveGTP]

Offtopic as it sounds like the OP has worked out most of the problem (right?) -
in regards to the quote above
You guys need to google "ladder theory".

Well, here, I'll provide the link here:

www.intellectualwhores.com/ladderintro.html

I don't necessarily agree with it 100% but it is pretty funny. See in particular the part about why women want bad boys (referred to as "outlaw bikers" by the ladder theory.)