Brian Kissinger
Screenwriter
- Joined
- Dec 11, 2001
- Messages
- 1,083
Hello, I thought I start a thread where we could discuss those wonderful little gems of the motion picture market. Some refer to them as B movies or guilty pleasures, but I refer to them as bliss.
I realized my affection the other day. A friend of mine (and fellow esteemed HTF member) SteveGon had loaned me some movies to watch. He loaned me A Touch of Evil (which I promptly watched....and thought was superb), The Ruling Class, and The Stuntman. After about a month, I finally watched The Ruling Class. As of this sitting, I have yet to preview The Stuntman. I've had it for about two months now. However, another friend (and fellow HTF member) Mike, called me up and said he had this movie I had to see. And just from the title alone, I knew I had to view it. The movie in question? Crippled Masters. I watched it that day. It was awesome. It awoke something inside of me that has lain dormant for years.
So I've been watching crappy movies lately, and thought I'd share my thoughts with you, and see if there is anyone else here who may get bit by the B Movie Bug from time to time. If you know of any wondrous films of this sort, please share with me.
__________________________________________________ __________
Crippled Masters (1984)
directed by Joe Law
What do you get when you take a man with no arms, a man with no legs, a man with a strangely, unexplained, mysterious, clanking back, a wise old man who fits inside a small fruit basket, evil intent, 8 Jade Horses, a quiet but dangerous undercover police investigator, some well placed bamboo rods, kung fu, and enough karate chop sound effects to deafen a small country? Crippled Masters.
Now with a set-up like that, I know many of you are already hitting the search function trying to locate a copy of this wonderful film, but be forewarned: there are many unanswered questions in this movie.
Our movie opens on a peaceful morning, with one of our main characters being de-armed. Now, you never know why he was given this harsh punishment. One can only wonder what crime would garner such a punishment. Alas, unanswered question number one. Anyway, our hero's wounds magically heal without any treatment and he is sent out into the city to fend for himself. Enter the foul-tempered restaurant workers who take this opportunity to humiliate and beat our poor hero up. He then wonders around aimlessly. Some more stuff happens, but nothing worth noting.
Then it happens. The man who had our hero's arms cut off, doesn't want to drink some tea and get friendly with the mega-evil and steel-backed leader. Bad mistake. The poor guy is then subjected to the old acid on the legs torture, and he too is sent off.
Our heros meet up, and after some weak ass revenge attempt by Mr. Armless, our tag-team encounters Mr. Wise Old Man in the Fruit Basket. His wisdom (and you know an old guy who spends his time in a tiny fruit basket is fuckin' loaded with knowledge) he offers our duo, and then trains them to be masters of martial arts despite their short-comings.
Cut to some scenes where the evil iron-back bad guy kicks a bunch of villager ass for no apparent reason other than to show he is just pure evil, a bad ass, and has a secret clanking back that is nothing to be messed with.
Then along comes Mr. Undercover Agent, himself a bad ass. He takes on a bunch of evil guys and whips them easily. Then through plot points I won't bother to go on about, he fights the clanky leader. The leader (with much help from his back) beats the man down, (thus confirming he is indeed a truly evil bad-ass) but for some strange reason just takes him prisoner. He doesn't have any of his limbs removed. No acid. Not even so much as some water torture. Just takes him prisoner with a couple of inept guards.
Well our hero's come to the rescue, and in the process figure out the big secret to the 8 Jade Horses. I won't ruin the secret, but man oh man is it a dandy.
Will the secret of the 8 Jade Horses be enough to defeat the clanking-backed, evil leader? Will Mr. Fruit Basket ever get out of the Fruit Basket? What happens to our undercover agent? Did the sound effect guy get paid more than everyone else?(I sure hope he did, because I'm sure he spent months putting them in) You'll have the watch to find out.
Flesh Factor: Zilch
Cheese Factor: Extremely High
Best to Be Viewed: With fans of crappy Kung Fu
__________________________________________________ __________
Terror Toons (2002)
directed by Joe Castro
Animated To Kill
How do you take a movie that opens with a ridiculously, large breasted blonde in a bathtub and features a cop eating a dynamite filled dough-nut, a heated game of strip Ouija board (yes you read that correctly: strip Ouija), and some entertaining, animated bird abuse and make it stink so bad that Kung Pow: Enter the Fist looks like an Oscar winner comparatively? Just watch Terror Toons to find out.
The movie actually opens with some poor, helpless chap being operated on by our villain, Dr. Carnage. But the actual story-line (if you can call it that) starts with Candy (Lizzie Borden.... yep that really is her name) singing Rubber Ducky in the tub. I’m guessing the character is supposed to be young (cartoon watching age and singing show tunes in the tub age) but the actress has to be pushing thirty. As she exits the tub, you get a quick flash of breast. I’m thinking to myself at this point, hey this is gonna be good. We got some nasty bloodshed, some poor casting, and some boobage. How wrong I can be.
The story centers around Dr. Carnage and Max Assassin, cartoon duos that wreak havoc and bloodshed in their own cartoon entitled Terror Toons. Candy gets a mysterious copy of Terror Toons on DVD through the mail, and upon playing it she sets our evil duo free. They then (as you have already guessed) wreak havoc and bloodshed on some helpless teens and the pizza delivery guy.
Now in between the poorly done death scenes, we get a game of strip Ouija. They use the power of the board to see what articles of clothing to remove. It may seem fairly stupid, but I can’t lie to you; I was thinking: Sweet! Well, the excitement didn’t last long as no one actually got naked.
The movie takes a turn from absurd to out and out insulting when our heroine (Cindy, Candy’s sister) is captured (and forced to watch the deaths of her friends via a magic show.... yep a magic show) and then for some unknown reason, transported to Hell with our evil duo. She then manages to get a candid interview with Satan himself, where he informs her of his master plan: To use the Terror Toons DVD to implant evil into children. Exactly how this is supposed to work when the cartoon duo come out of the disc and kill everyone instead of implanting evil is not explained. Well Cindy just can’t let that happen, so she uses the powers of the cartoon world (except they are in Hell.... or so I thought.... fuck who knows) to transform herself into a super-hero. A super-hero consisting of a pair of shorts and a tank top with a cape. Guess there wasn’t much in the budget for costumes. At any rate, she challenges the Devil, and after dispersing a few threats (“I’ll put a curse on you so bad that 1000 years from now, your descendants will wonder if life could have been better”) he decides to just leave. And to think he has this real evil, bad-ass reputation.
Well Cindy transforms herself back into the real world, where her house is now magically the location of the evil machine making the Terror Toons DVD’s. What luck! Well I won’t ruin it for everyone, but she then has a showdown with Dr. Carnage and Max Assassin. Will she win? What will her parent’s think when they get home? You’ll have to find out for yourself.
Through a wonderfully enlightening featurette, I found out that this cinematic tour-de-force was made for roughly $2,300. That explained a lot. I also learned that director felt that the movie had well surpassed his expectations and desires and that he thought the script and acting was superb. Makes me can’t wait to see what else he has done.
Flesh Factor: Minimal
Cheese Factor: Not enough
Best to Be Viewed: Only if you are desperate
__________________________________________________ __________
Jigsaw (2002)
directed by Don Adams & Harry James Picardi
Put him together...he'll tear you apart
I really hate these movies that set you up for something good and then deliver little to nothing. Jigsaw opens with a lovely young lady bound to a table with Christmas lights wearing only a bra and panties. What a setup. The movie then manages to drag you downward through poor characterization. Now most horror movies get the knock of not even bothering with characterization. Enter some helpless, ignorant teens, then slaughter them. Jigsaw makes a noble attempt at giving our victims-to-be a background, but I found myself just not caring. The movie is 3/4 over by the time our villain, Jigsaw, makes his first appearance. And by then, I was so bored with the movie; I honestly didn’t give a shit which of the helpless teens, if any, would be the hero.
The movie had a somewhat interesting idea. College art students are given a piece of a manikin. They each have to go home and decorate their piece. Then the students would meet back up, and put it back together to see what they come up with. Then, the guy comes to life, and kills everybody. Not all that horrible of an idea. Where the film just went horribly awry, is that the students meet up at a bar to reassemble their creation. And before they put the next piece together, they all have to order shots (or some drink). This turns out to be a scheme by the professor to get the women drunk, so he can then get them into bed. By this time, I had given up on the movie.
Well needless to say, our students chose to decorate their fragments with buzz-saws and shotguns. Of course, that’s what I would do. Well after getting drunk, they all go out behind the bar to have a bonfire and burn their creation. Let's get drunk, and then go burn shit!!!Hell Yeah!! Apparently this pisses of our manikin, so he comes to life and wreaks his vengeance. He takes pieces of the students to presumably make his own jigsaw, but we never see it. And the movie ends suddenly and absurdly.
Jigsaw fails in the sense that it wanted to be more than what it was, and when it was what it was, it was no good. Too many plot-holes to even mention, and no inspiration at all. Even the little featurette on the film had more to do with the crew’s antics than anything having to do with the film. Sadly, that was the best part of the disc.
Flesh Factor: Zilch
Cheese Factor: Nothing...sadly
Best to Be Viewed: While asleep
__________________________________________________ __________
Hell Comes to Frogtown (1987)
directed by Donald G. Jackson & R.J. Kizer
In a post-apocalyptic future, mutant-frogmen are abundant but fertile men are scarce. Enter Sam Hell. Oh my oh my, this is a winner. We have a harem of beautiful ovulating women, evil half men half frogs, electronic exploding jockstraps, the Dance of the 3 Snakes, wonderfully delivered lines such as “Eat Lead Froggies!”, exotic stripper frogwomen, and magical cliffs where you can go from the bottom to the top in a matter of three steps. Yes boys and girls, this one has it all.
First off, you know you’re in for a treat when the menu of the DVD has a Strat Movie option. That, and a total of six chapters.
Our movie opens with Sam Hell ( Roddy Piper from professional wrestling fame.....salivating already aren’t you) captured for a rape charge. And it just so happens that the sheriff is the girl in question’s father. Well just as our pal Sam is about to be dispersed, he is saved by Med Tech. A government organization dedicated to re-populating the Earth. It seems that not only is Sam fertile, but he possesses the highest sperm count ever recorded. Our hero reluctantly agrees to join them, only to have an electronic device locked on his most personal place. He then has no choice but to accompany Spangler, the attractive leader of his mission who is trained in the ways of seduction and arousal. What is their mission you ask? Why only to infiltrate the mutant wastelands and rescue eight fertile human women who have been captured by the evil Commander Toty, and then to impregnate them.
Now at this point, you may wonder why Med Tech chose to only send in Sam, Spangler, and Centinella (the necessary strong, powerful woman) into the wasteland when even the border police won’t dare set foot inside, and to why they would even risk letting Sam go in the first place, but it’s not for us to judge governmental reasoning. And as far as that goes, I’m a little froggy....err foggy on why the wasteland was regarded as such an evil forbidden place. Our group drives for hours without encountering a single enemy or geographical danger. And in fact, they don’t get into any trouble at all until they initiate it. Oh well. Maybe it’s like Detroit. It gets a bad rap, but it really isn’t such a bad place.
It is at this point that we learn some very interesting plot developments. It seems that if Sam should get out of range of Spangler (or to be more accurate.....her earrings) his new-wave underpants set of a series of painful shocks to his...well you know. And should anyone try to remove them but Spangler, it will explode. Many hi-jinks ensue.
Our group encounters a runaway lady from the harem, and after impregnating her and learning of the harem’s whereabouts, they send her off alone back to the border. Yep, a super dangerous place when they allow a tired, defenseless woman who just happens to be pregnant (their most valuable asset) wonder alone through it. And they hatch Spangler’s extremely detailed plan of attack. And as luck would have it, the plan goes awry. Spangler and Sam manage to get captured (Centinella, the muscle of the group, stays behind). Sam is forced to endure torture, and Spangler gets the Dance of the 3 Snakes. I won’t ruin the surprise of the 3 snakes for you, but at one point Commander Toty utters the following phrase: “You have aroused the 3 Snakes.”
Will Sam escape and rescue Spangler and the harem? Will he be able to perform his duties? Who is the strange guy dealing weapons to the frogmen? Why does the exotic, stripper frog lady always have to die? You’ll have to watch to find out.
Flesh Factor: Minimal
Cheese Factor: Extremely High
Best to Be Viewed: Under the influence
__________________________________________________ __________
I realized my affection the other day. A friend of mine (and fellow esteemed HTF member) SteveGon had loaned me some movies to watch. He loaned me A Touch of Evil (which I promptly watched....and thought was superb), The Ruling Class, and The Stuntman. After about a month, I finally watched The Ruling Class. As of this sitting, I have yet to preview The Stuntman. I've had it for about two months now. However, another friend (and fellow HTF member) Mike, called me up and said he had this movie I had to see. And just from the title alone, I knew I had to view it. The movie in question? Crippled Masters. I watched it that day. It was awesome. It awoke something inside of me that has lain dormant for years.
So I've been watching crappy movies lately, and thought I'd share my thoughts with you, and see if there is anyone else here who may get bit by the B Movie Bug from time to time. If you know of any wondrous films of this sort, please share with me.
__________________________________________________ __________
Crippled Masters (1984)
directed by Joe Law
What do you get when you take a man with no arms, a man with no legs, a man with a strangely, unexplained, mysterious, clanking back, a wise old man who fits inside a small fruit basket, evil intent, 8 Jade Horses, a quiet but dangerous undercover police investigator, some well placed bamboo rods, kung fu, and enough karate chop sound effects to deafen a small country? Crippled Masters.
Now with a set-up like that, I know many of you are already hitting the search function trying to locate a copy of this wonderful film, but be forewarned: there are many unanswered questions in this movie.
Our movie opens on a peaceful morning, with one of our main characters being de-armed. Now, you never know why he was given this harsh punishment. One can only wonder what crime would garner such a punishment. Alas, unanswered question number one. Anyway, our hero's wounds magically heal without any treatment and he is sent out into the city to fend for himself. Enter the foul-tempered restaurant workers who take this opportunity to humiliate and beat our poor hero up. He then wonders around aimlessly. Some more stuff happens, but nothing worth noting.
Then it happens. The man who had our hero's arms cut off, doesn't want to drink some tea and get friendly with the mega-evil and steel-backed leader. Bad mistake. The poor guy is then subjected to the old acid on the legs torture, and he too is sent off.
Our heros meet up, and after some weak ass revenge attempt by Mr. Armless, our tag-team encounters Mr. Wise Old Man in the Fruit Basket. His wisdom (and you know an old guy who spends his time in a tiny fruit basket is fuckin' loaded with knowledge) he offers our duo, and then trains them to be masters of martial arts despite their short-comings.
Cut to some scenes where the evil iron-back bad guy kicks a bunch of villager ass for no apparent reason other than to show he is just pure evil, a bad ass, and has a secret clanking back that is nothing to be messed with.
Then along comes Mr. Undercover Agent, himself a bad ass. He takes on a bunch of evil guys and whips them easily. Then through plot points I won't bother to go on about, he fights the clanky leader. The leader (with much help from his back) beats the man down, (thus confirming he is indeed a truly evil bad-ass) but for some strange reason just takes him prisoner. He doesn't have any of his limbs removed. No acid. Not even so much as some water torture. Just takes him prisoner with a couple of inept guards.
Well our hero's come to the rescue, and in the process figure out the big secret to the 8 Jade Horses. I won't ruin the secret, but man oh man is it a dandy.
Will the secret of the 8 Jade Horses be enough to defeat the clanking-backed, evil leader? Will Mr. Fruit Basket ever get out of the Fruit Basket? What happens to our undercover agent? Did the sound effect guy get paid more than everyone else?(I sure hope he did, because I'm sure he spent months putting them in) You'll have the watch to find out.
Flesh Factor: Zilch
Cheese Factor: Extremely High
Best to Be Viewed: With fans of crappy Kung Fu
__________________________________________________ __________
Terror Toons (2002)
directed by Joe Castro
Animated To Kill
How do you take a movie that opens with a ridiculously, large breasted blonde in a bathtub and features a cop eating a dynamite filled dough-nut, a heated game of strip Ouija board (yes you read that correctly: strip Ouija), and some entertaining, animated bird abuse and make it stink so bad that Kung Pow: Enter the Fist looks like an Oscar winner comparatively? Just watch Terror Toons to find out.
The movie actually opens with some poor, helpless chap being operated on by our villain, Dr. Carnage. But the actual story-line (if you can call it that) starts with Candy (Lizzie Borden.... yep that really is her name) singing Rubber Ducky in the tub. I’m guessing the character is supposed to be young (cartoon watching age and singing show tunes in the tub age) but the actress has to be pushing thirty. As she exits the tub, you get a quick flash of breast. I’m thinking to myself at this point, hey this is gonna be good. We got some nasty bloodshed, some poor casting, and some boobage. How wrong I can be.
The story centers around Dr. Carnage and Max Assassin, cartoon duos that wreak havoc and bloodshed in their own cartoon entitled Terror Toons. Candy gets a mysterious copy of Terror Toons on DVD through the mail, and upon playing it she sets our evil duo free. They then (as you have already guessed) wreak havoc and bloodshed on some helpless teens and the pizza delivery guy.
Now in between the poorly done death scenes, we get a game of strip Ouija. They use the power of the board to see what articles of clothing to remove. It may seem fairly stupid, but I can’t lie to you; I was thinking: Sweet! Well, the excitement didn’t last long as no one actually got naked.
The movie takes a turn from absurd to out and out insulting when our heroine (Cindy, Candy’s sister) is captured (and forced to watch the deaths of her friends via a magic show.... yep a magic show) and then for some unknown reason, transported to Hell with our evil duo. She then manages to get a candid interview with Satan himself, where he informs her of his master plan: To use the Terror Toons DVD to implant evil into children. Exactly how this is supposed to work when the cartoon duo come out of the disc and kill everyone instead of implanting evil is not explained. Well Cindy just can’t let that happen, so she uses the powers of the cartoon world (except they are in Hell.... or so I thought.... fuck who knows) to transform herself into a super-hero. A super-hero consisting of a pair of shorts and a tank top with a cape. Guess there wasn’t much in the budget for costumes. At any rate, she challenges the Devil, and after dispersing a few threats (“I’ll put a curse on you so bad that 1000 years from now, your descendants will wonder if life could have been better”) he decides to just leave. And to think he has this real evil, bad-ass reputation.
Well Cindy transforms herself back into the real world, where her house is now magically the location of the evil machine making the Terror Toons DVD’s. What luck! Well I won’t ruin it for everyone, but she then has a showdown with Dr. Carnage and Max Assassin. Will she win? What will her parent’s think when they get home? You’ll have to find out for yourself.
Through a wonderfully enlightening featurette, I found out that this cinematic tour-de-force was made for roughly $2,300. That explained a lot. I also learned that director felt that the movie had well surpassed his expectations and desires and that he thought the script and acting was superb. Makes me can’t wait to see what else he has done.
Flesh Factor: Minimal
Cheese Factor: Not enough
Best to Be Viewed: Only if you are desperate
__________________________________________________ __________
Jigsaw (2002)
directed by Don Adams & Harry James Picardi
Put him together...he'll tear you apart
I really hate these movies that set you up for something good and then deliver little to nothing. Jigsaw opens with a lovely young lady bound to a table with Christmas lights wearing only a bra and panties. What a setup. The movie then manages to drag you downward through poor characterization. Now most horror movies get the knock of not even bothering with characterization. Enter some helpless, ignorant teens, then slaughter them. Jigsaw makes a noble attempt at giving our victims-to-be a background, but I found myself just not caring. The movie is 3/4 over by the time our villain, Jigsaw, makes his first appearance. And by then, I was so bored with the movie; I honestly didn’t give a shit which of the helpless teens, if any, would be the hero.
The movie had a somewhat interesting idea. College art students are given a piece of a manikin. They each have to go home and decorate their piece. Then the students would meet back up, and put it back together to see what they come up with. Then, the guy comes to life, and kills everybody. Not all that horrible of an idea. Where the film just went horribly awry, is that the students meet up at a bar to reassemble their creation. And before they put the next piece together, they all have to order shots (or some drink). This turns out to be a scheme by the professor to get the women drunk, so he can then get them into bed. By this time, I had given up on the movie.
Well needless to say, our students chose to decorate their fragments with buzz-saws and shotguns. Of course, that’s what I would do. Well after getting drunk, they all go out behind the bar to have a bonfire and burn their creation. Let's get drunk, and then go burn shit!!!Hell Yeah!! Apparently this pisses of our manikin, so he comes to life and wreaks his vengeance. He takes pieces of the students to presumably make his own jigsaw, but we never see it. And the movie ends suddenly and absurdly.
Jigsaw fails in the sense that it wanted to be more than what it was, and when it was what it was, it was no good. Too many plot-holes to even mention, and no inspiration at all. Even the little featurette on the film had more to do with the crew’s antics than anything having to do with the film. Sadly, that was the best part of the disc.
Flesh Factor: Zilch
Cheese Factor: Nothing...sadly
Best to Be Viewed: While asleep
__________________________________________________ __________
Hell Comes to Frogtown (1987)
directed by Donald G. Jackson & R.J. Kizer
In a post-apocalyptic future, mutant-frogmen are abundant but fertile men are scarce. Enter Sam Hell. Oh my oh my, this is a winner. We have a harem of beautiful ovulating women, evil half men half frogs, electronic exploding jockstraps, the Dance of the 3 Snakes, wonderfully delivered lines such as “Eat Lead Froggies!”, exotic stripper frogwomen, and magical cliffs where you can go from the bottom to the top in a matter of three steps. Yes boys and girls, this one has it all.
First off, you know you’re in for a treat when the menu of the DVD has a Strat Movie option. That, and a total of six chapters.
Our movie opens with Sam Hell ( Roddy Piper from professional wrestling fame.....salivating already aren’t you) captured for a rape charge. And it just so happens that the sheriff is the girl in question’s father. Well just as our pal Sam is about to be dispersed, he is saved by Med Tech. A government organization dedicated to re-populating the Earth. It seems that not only is Sam fertile, but he possesses the highest sperm count ever recorded. Our hero reluctantly agrees to join them, only to have an electronic device locked on his most personal place. He then has no choice but to accompany Spangler, the attractive leader of his mission who is trained in the ways of seduction and arousal. What is their mission you ask? Why only to infiltrate the mutant wastelands and rescue eight fertile human women who have been captured by the evil Commander Toty, and then to impregnate them.
Now at this point, you may wonder why Med Tech chose to only send in Sam, Spangler, and Centinella (the necessary strong, powerful woman) into the wasteland when even the border police won’t dare set foot inside, and to why they would even risk letting Sam go in the first place, but it’s not for us to judge governmental reasoning. And as far as that goes, I’m a little froggy....err foggy on why the wasteland was regarded as such an evil forbidden place. Our group drives for hours without encountering a single enemy or geographical danger. And in fact, they don’t get into any trouble at all until they initiate it. Oh well. Maybe it’s like Detroit. It gets a bad rap, but it really isn’t such a bad place.
It is at this point that we learn some very interesting plot developments. It seems that if Sam should get out of range of Spangler (or to be more accurate.....her earrings) his new-wave underpants set of a series of painful shocks to his...well you know. And should anyone try to remove them but Spangler, it will explode. Many hi-jinks ensue.
Our group encounters a runaway lady from the harem, and after impregnating her and learning of the harem’s whereabouts, they send her off alone back to the border. Yep, a super dangerous place when they allow a tired, defenseless woman who just happens to be pregnant (their most valuable asset) wonder alone through it. And they hatch Spangler’s extremely detailed plan of attack. And as luck would have it, the plan goes awry. Spangler and Sam manage to get captured (Centinella, the muscle of the group, stays behind). Sam is forced to endure torture, and Spangler gets the Dance of the 3 Snakes. I won’t ruin the surprise of the 3 snakes for you, but at one point Commander Toty utters the following phrase: “You have aroused the 3 Snakes.”
Will Sam escape and rescue Spangler and the harem? Will he be able to perform his duties? Who is the strange guy dealing weapons to the frogmen? Why does the exotic, stripper frog lady always have to die? You’ll have to watch to find out.
Flesh Factor: Minimal
Cheese Factor: Extremely High
Best to Be Viewed: Under the influence
__________________________________________________ __________
