After much careful study of the skies, and inspiration by that great astrologer Isaac Bickerstaffe, Jr., I humbly submit my astrological predictions for the upcoming year. January The conjunction of Mercury and Mars on the 1st indicates a prosperous and disastrous year. March The Sun will pass through the first point of Aries on the 20th. People in the Northern Hemisphere are likely to begin seeing longer days and warmer weather. These trends will probably continue until September. April Saturn and Jupiter are in opposition bringing dark tidings. Southern California will be rocked by numerous earthquakes on the 15th. Some may be as large as magnitude 3.0 on the Richter scale. Plan your day accordingly. May This month marks a special planetary alignment that will not occur for another 26 months! The 30th is a very good day to launch a spacecraft to Mars. June The 21st of this month will be a dark day for Antarctic researchers. Care should be taken to avoid tripping over penguins. July The alignment of Venus and Saturn indicate that this month will be much warmer for the city of Fairbanks, Alaska than January was. November Neptune enters the sign of Pisces showing that an ice and/or snow storm will likely hit a northeastern US city between now and the following February. December Winter will probably begin this month.