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The Rules-Men's edition


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#1 of 25 OFFLINE   Paul Padilla

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Posted November 22 2005 - 05:55 AM

The Guys' Rules

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down. Finally, the guys' side of the story. We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules!



Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!



1. Men ARE NOT mind readers.

1. Ask for what you want.

Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!

Just say it!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.

You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down. And if you ever experience a splash followed by a scream, bear in mind this sage advice…look before you sit!! Unless you’d rather us pee with the seat down? I didn’t think so.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do, or at least try to do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 36 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret models once in a while, don't expect us to romance you like soap opera guys.

1. Don’t complain that lingerie we like to see you wear is uncomfortable. You won’t be wearing it for long anyway.

1 If your dress size and the scale have both increased, you have your answer. Don't ask us if you’re fat.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need to ask for directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit (look it up). Champagne is a means to an end in the bedroom. There is no such thing as a mauve.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. ‘Nuff said.

1 If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will proceed as if nothing is wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, golf, engines or power tools.

1. If you ask us what we’re thinking about and we say “nothing”, believe it. Don’t badger us into inventing something to share with you at that moment.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. Never ask us, “Is she pretty?” What we hear is, “Is she doable?” and you definitely do not want to hear a truthful answer to that.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.

1. Biology lesson:

The universe is not without its sense of irony. Chemicals are released in our bodies which make us sleepy after sex. Chemicals are released in your bodies which make you more alert and chatty after sex. Find a use for that energy. For instance, we could really use a sandwich after our nap.

1. You have enough clothes, including the ones that you “hope to fit into again some day”.

1. You have more than enough shoes, including the ones you bought for an outfit that doesn’t yet exist.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this

Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;

But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

edit-spelling corrected...because it was my own idea, not because "she" told me to. Posted Image
I'm a ****ing idiot 'cause I can't make a lamp?
No, you're a genius 'cause you can't make a lamp.
What do you know about trigonometry?
I could care less about trigonometry.
Did you know without trigonometry there would be no engineering? Without lamps there'd be no light.

#2 of 25 OFFLINE   Ricky Hustle

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Posted November 22 2005 - 06:20 AM

Uh-oh.

#3 of 25 OFFLINE   Robert_Gaither

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Posted November 22 2005 - 07:28 AM

All in an easy to understand format. Posted Image

#4 of 25 OFFLINE   Scott Merryfield

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Posted November 22 2005 - 08:19 AM

Item #1 is true. So is item #1, and item #1, and... Posted Image

#5 of 25 OFFLINE   Joseph DeMartino

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Posted November 22 2005 - 10:35 AM

You should fix the spelling of "Champagne" before she catches the mistake. Posted Image

And I would propose one addition to the "colors" section:

"Only one of those colors is White; stop trying to convince us that there are 4,000 different shades of it. They all look exactly the same to us, so we really don’t prefer one of them over the other 3,999."

Posted Image

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#6 of 25 OFFLINE   Casey Trowbridg

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Posted November 22 2005 - 10:46 AM

I'm a big believer in rule number 1!

#7 of 25 OFFLINE   Jason Kirkpatri

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Posted November 22 2005 - 11:12 AM

Posted Image

#8 of 25 OFFLINE   Paul McElligott

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Posted November 22 2005 - 11:39 AM

I just knew you were going to say that.
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#9 of 25 OFFLINE   Andrew Bunk

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Posted November 22 2005 - 03:16 PM

Good stuff!

Ihave to say I am so glad I am engaged to a largely sensible woman. Because I swear, if I ever found out a girlfriend or significant other had a copy of that idiotic book, they would be dumped right then and there, no remorse. Posted Image
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#10 of 25 OFFLINE   Lynda-Marie

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Posted November 22 2005 - 03:45 PM

What I find funny about "The Rules" is that it was obviously not written with me in mind. Of course, given that I am the original Rebel Aithout a Clue...
The shape I'm in you could donate my body to science fiction! - Rodney Dangerfield, "Back to School"

#11 of 25 OFFLINE   Holadem

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Posted November 22 2005 - 11:52 PM

MEN'S ENGLISH: 1. I am hungry = I am hungry 2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy 3. I am tired = I am tired 4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage! 5. I love you = Let's have sex now 6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex? 7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you 8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you 9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you 10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you 11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS: 40-ish............................................49 - 55 Adventurous......................Slept with everyone Athletic......................................No tits Average looking.................................Ugly Beautiful..........................Pathological liar Contagious Smile..................Does a lot of pills Emotionally Secure......................On meds Feminist.........................................F at Free spirit....................................Junkie Friendship first..........................Former slut Fun..........................................Annoy ing New-Age.................Body hair in the wrong places Old-fashioned.................................No Blow Jobs Open-minded.................................Desperate Outgoing........................Loud and Embarrassing Passionate..............................Sloppy drunk Professional....................................Bi tch Voluptuous...................................Very Fat Large frame.................................Orca Fat Wants Soul mate...............................Stalker WOMEN'S ENGLISH: 1. Yes = No 2. No = Yes 3. Maybe = No 4. We need = I want.. 5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry 6. We need to talk = You're in trouble 7. Sure, go ahead = You better not 8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later 9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, dipshit 10. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?

#12 of 25 OFFLINE   Tim Hoover

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Posted November 23 2005 - 04:22 AM

I'm printing all this out - both the original post and H's addendum - and hanging it on the fridge. Consequently, you all may not hear from me for a number of days...
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#13 of 25 OFFLINE   Paul McElligott

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Posted November 23 2005 - 04:41 AM

If you don't return, is there someplace we should start looking for your body? Posted Image
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#14 of 25 OFFLINE   Jason Kirkpatri

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Posted November 23 2005 - 06:55 AM

Posted Image Posted Image

#15 of 25 OFFLINE   Elizabeth S

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Posted November 23 2005 - 07:23 AM

I have no idea what the "women's rules" said -- I generally find such things sexist and offensive. I'm not your stereotypical woman who has EVER asked a guy "Do I look fat", "What are you thinking", "Nothing's wrong" or any of that stupid stuff. However, I honestly think virtually everything in this men's list makes sense.

#16 of 25 OFFLINE   Ravi K

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Posted November 23 2005 - 10:39 AM

Typically female response Posted Image
 

#17 of 25 OFFLINE   Yee-Ming

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Posted November 23 2005 - 07:02 PM

I remember reading a commentary on this issue once: the writer (must be male) asked why it was such a big deal for women, do they "take a flying butt-leap onto the toilet without looking or something?"

#18 of 25 OFFLINE   Holadem

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Posted November 24 2005 - 01:05 AM

As a matter of fact, yes, especially in the middle of the night. I have heard quite a few first hand accounts of this sort of accidents and have wintessed a few close calls as well. -- H

#19 of 25 OFFLINE   Joseph DeMartino

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Posted November 24 2005 - 01:51 AM



So turn on the freakin' light and look where you're going. Any woman who falls into the toilet more than once in her life has only herself to blame because the first time should have taught her the lesson. And that sentiment was expressed by a woman named Stephanie Brush is a book called Men: An Owner's Manual. (Which happens to be one of the funniest books ever written, by the way. I used to give copies away as gifts to women friends. Especially relevant to this group is the chapter entitled "The Sleeping with a Man Film Festival") Posted Image

Regards,

Joe

#20 of 25 OFFLINE   JamieD

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Posted November 24 2005 - 02:25 AM

I find it odd because it's not like men NEVER sit down, and how often do we fall in (for instance in public/workplace washrooms)?
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