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Need some dating help!


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17 replies to this topic

#1 of 18 OFFLINE   Chad Isaacs

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Posted July 20 2003 - 01:56 AM

As some of you might remember,2 years ago my (now ex) wife (of 7 years) walked out on myself and our 2 kids.Well,the divorce is final,she already married the man she left us for and yes,I got the kids.

Well,I have not really dated for almost 9 years so I need some help.There are a few gals I would not mind asking out and I feel that the feeling is mutual but I am very shy so assuming I even get the lady(ladies) out on a date,I don't know where to start.

Everything changes and I am sure the rules of dating have changed over the past few years.So I guess I am asking for some pointers on what goes theese days,whats expected etc.

#2 of 18 OFFLINE   Brian Harnish

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Posted July 20 2003 - 08:02 AM

Hey Chad,

You might want to check out http://www.sosuave.com. That might be what you need to get started. Check out the DJ Bible in the Don Juan discussion forum. Also, be sure and take a look at the articles by David DeAngelo (I highly recommend them).

#3 of 18 OFFLINE   Bill Catherall

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Posted July 20 2003 - 10:22 AM

You could also watch the TV show Blind Date. You may not learn too many tips about what to do, but you'll get a whole bible of what NOT to do. If not, at least it's entertaining. Posted Image
~Bill

#4 of 18 OFFLINE   Jamie Doucette

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Posted July 20 2003 - 11:44 PM

Try www.askmen.com/dating/index.html .

Cheers
Jamie Doucette
---The Crazy Canadian

#5 of 18 OFFLINE   Holadem

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Posted July 21 2003 - 12:37 AM

Just Be Yourself.

Posted Image

Actually, take no further advice from anyone who tells you that.

--
Holadem

#6 of 18 OFFLINE   AllanN

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Posted July 21 2003 - 01:07 AM

I don't have any experience in dating after a marriage but two simple things will help out. One, if you are interested in a women, just ask her out. If she says no, then your not out anything. If you don't ask her out you will never know what could have been. Two, as Holadem said be yourself. Because if you try and act like something you are not, women will see through that or you will get tired of the act(I know from first had experience).
“Aquaba is over there, it’s only a matter of going.” –Lawrence "I am not now, nor have I ever been a psychologist" -Mumford
"...you can't control who gets hit or who doesn't, who falls our of a chopper or why. It ain't up to you. Its just war." -Hoot
"Fear is the path to the dark...

#7 of 18 OFFLINE   Holadem

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Posted July 21 2003 - 01:42 AM

Allan, I was acually speaking agaisnt the Just Be Yourself BS.

EDIT: No offense to you BTW, Allan.

--
Holadem

#8 of 18 OFFLINE   Chad Isaacs

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Posted July 21 2003 - 02:04 AM

Yeah,I do not think being myself would be good,I might bore the ladies with home theater/movie trivia.

I have watched all the extreme blind 5th wheel dating shows so I have a good idea of what not to do.

THanks guys,keep em coming

#9 of 18 OFFLINE   Paul Bond

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Posted July 21 2003 - 02:54 AM

I've not had to worry about dating after marriage, but did have a few dating after long-term relationship exercises.

First off (and the hardest thing to accept, I think) is that if she says "no", it doesn't mean there is something wrong with you. You just aren't her type. It's okay. There are a lot of girls/ladies out there that you aren't planning to ask out, so fair's fair.

After that, you just have to go for it. If you are truly quaking in your shoes then perhaps you have a lady friend - not a datable friend, just a friend - who knows you well who would be willing to go on a practice date with you and maybe give you some hints what ladies want these days.

Hopefully at least one of the ladies on your list knows you too and knows of your life situation. I would try to go out with one of them first, because then you don't have to go through all the "who am I / who are you" stuff, you probably have some common interests, and you won't be scaring her away with the fact that you are father and custodian of 2 children.

Learn from Nike. Just do it.

Paul

#10 of 18 OFFLINE   BrettB

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Posted July 21 2003 - 02:58 AM

Your children are your primary responsibility. Keep your kids away from the women your dating.

#11 of 18 OFFLINE   AllanN

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Posted July 21 2003 - 03:22 AM

Quote:
Allan, I was acually speaking agaisnt the Just Be Yourself BS


Yeah you should be on your best behavior on your first few dates. I dated a women for a while because I really liked her, but I did't think that she would like me if I did't act a certain way. So I did for a long time. The sticker is that she probably would have liked me anyway even if I had just been myself. I was just to afraid to loose her. I learned allot from that relationship though.
“Aquaba is over there, it’s only a matter of going.” –Lawrence "I am not now, nor have I ever been a psychologist" -Mumford
"...you can't control who gets hit or who doesn't, who falls our of a chopper or why. It ain't up to you. Its just war." -Hoot
"Fear is the path to the dark...

#12 of 18 OFFLINE   Hunter P

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Posted July 21 2003 - 05:50 AM

Keep your kids away from the women your dating.


I agree. Don't let them meet her until it turns serious.

I would also add that you shouldn't go into too much detail about your previous marriage until you have had a few dates under your belt. You don't want her to feel like she is competing or is being compared to your ex. Focus on the present and future. Don't live in the past.

Finally, if you didn't have a problem talking to and hanging out with women before then you should have no problem dating. It's the same thing really. Don't make it harder than it has to be.
GIR, UNLEASH THE MONKEY!
MONKEY!
"I am the Doctor of Death, and I have come to cure you of your life." --Endless Mike, The Adventures of Pete and Pete

#13 of 18 OFFLINE   AllanN

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Posted July 21 2003 - 06:07 AM

Quote:
I would also add that you shouldn't go into too much detail about your previous marriage until you have had a few dates under your belt. You don't want her to feel like she is competing or is being compared to your ex. Focus on the present and future. Don't live in the past.

I probably scared off a few wonderful people by doing this. But it was probably just a sign that I was't ready to date yet.
“Aquaba is over there, it’s only a matter of going.” –Lawrence "I am not now, nor have I ever been a psychologist" -Mumford
"...you can't control who gets hit or who doesn't, who falls our of a chopper or why. It ain't up to you. Its just war." -Hoot
"Fear is the path to the dark...

#14 of 18 OFFLINE   Doug_H

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Posted July 21 2003 - 06:15 AM

Been there done that... The biggest thing you have going for you is that the chances are very good the women you meet will also be divorced and probably have kids. They understand and they are going through the same thing. Just hang in there.

Places to meet women... McDonalds playgrounds, children's book readings at your local Borders and so on. I don't know you but I have a feeling you are not going to be trolling the bars... That is a good thing.

Best advice: Don't talk about yourself nonstop... That is a complaint I hear form a lot of women. What makes this funny is that they want to talk about themselves the whole time...

Don't bring up the details of the divorce or talk about your ex. They don't need to hear it unless things are getting serious and even then don't dog your ex all the time.

Keep the kids away until you know this person very well. How will she deal with your parenting style, ETC. I learned this one the hard way. We were getting serious and I decided they should meet. After spending some time together it was obvious our styles were too different and I hadn't looked deep enough into who she was yet.

On the plus side Posted Image Hang in there, I found a wonderful woman who will soon be my wife.

I also have an extra edge as I have 4 sisters who although nosy have been a huge help.
Every child has many wishes. Some include a wallet, two chicks, and a cigar, but that's another story.
 

#15 of 18 OFFLINE   Michael Martin

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Posted July 21 2003 - 08:25 AM

Quote:
Keep your kids away from the women your dating.


Just another post to support this. Because of the divorce and your ex's remarriage, your kids have had enough chaos and adults leaving and changing their status.

My recommendation is that you don't have the kids meet anyone until you think they're "the one." And then give both the kids and the person some time to get to know each other and see what develops.

I know some might think I'm being overly conservative, but you absolutely need to protect your kids from potentially having a series of people in their lives that they grow attached to and then are just gone. It's already happened once to them (please note that I am NOT blaming you for the divorce - I don't know anything about your life and am not attempting to judge).

Hire a babysitter to go out (or do it when your ex has the kids) or wait until they're asleep to have her over (if that's practical).

I haven't dated in over 10 years, so no words of wisdom there. There have been several great threads relating to relationships in the past year or so, so do some searching here and bone up!

Good luck!

"You know, God has some really weird kids, and I find it hard to be in their company most of the time."
--Paul "Bono" Hewson

#16 of 18 OFFLINE   Steve>Smoker

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Posted July 21 2003 - 08:47 AM

Best advice I can give is find someone with the same interests as you.

People say 'opposites attract' and to me thats a recipe for disaster.

Find a chick that likes movies for a start!

Ok they dont necessarily have to be into everything you do, but think about you main hobby passoins and work on that.

After a few months if they aint into what you spend most of your time doing, its bound to fail when they start to nag and whine.

I guess you need to know what kind of person you are and what sort of woman would be attracted to you.

Watch 'Shallow Hal'
Apart from being funny its got quitre a good few lessons.

Awesome looking chicks usually know it and as such act up.
Ok if your happy to have every guy checking her out all the time and shes loving every second of it.

Dont go by pure physical attraction.
Beauty doesnt mean brains - intellectual stimulation lasts LONG after those curves have sagged and shes gone all wrinkly.

Bars are the WORST place to meet women, unless yer in your 20s. If you were in her shoes would YOU wanna date some drunken sweaty guy thats all over you like a rash ?

And yeah .. keep the kids away till your sure.
Kids suffer in silence and its not always apparent damage is being done.

DONT talk to much - let the lady speak - but feel free to drop em like a hot brick if you dont get the right vibe.
(Visions of Deuce Bigalow here!)
Desperation is no reason to make another mistake.

I dated a coupla chicks before I met my wife, and it was me that didnt return the phone calls.
Just didnt feel right, I wanted to make sure I found the perfect person before I got serious.

So I just inherited two stepkids this year and it was pretty painless mainly because theyre natural father was such a dick they realised life was more fun with me around.

#17 of 18 OFFLINE   Chad Isaacs

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Posted July 22 2003 - 01:55 AM

Yeah,I'm not much of a bar person,not much of a drinker at all for that matter.Getting rid of the kids will be tricky but I guess when the time is right everything will fall into place,just as it always does.

Thanks for all the tips!

#18 of 18 OFFLINE   JonZ

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Posted July 22 2003 - 06:06 AM

I didnt think I stood a chance with my curent g/f. I watched her walk by my office for months.
I asked her out,and she said she wasnt really interested.But I was in awe of her brain(my brother calls he Jane the Brain)and her face and would keep stopping my her office to say hello.About a month later she changed her mind.I was at her house building her PC. When I was leaving she grabbed me and started kissing me.
When I asked what changed her mind she said she had doubts(shes 10 years older than me) and was impressed I never gave up on her.

Its been over a year and 1/2 and she thinks Im the greatest thing since sliced bread (the poor deluded girl).

The moral is... be honest,confident and yourself!!!

If they say no, its their loss, just move on (Cant stress this one enough)

Good Luck!!Posted Image





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