The Eternal Simpsons Quote Thread (1 Viewer)

[Hanson]

Oops. Repost.

 

[Mike St.Louis]

I'll keep this thread alive myself!!
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Lisa: I *have* to join the team or I'll get an F that will haunt me for the rest of my life.
[in the future, Lisa is being sworn in]
Man: I now pronounce you President of these United --
Reporter: Stop the inauguration! I just discovered our President Elect got an F in second grade gym class!
[crows gasps; Lisa is handcuffed]
Man: In that case I sentence you to a lifetime of horror on Monster Island. [to Lisa] Don't worry, it's just a name.
[Lisa and others are chased by fire-breathing monsters]
Lisa: He said it was just a name!
Man: What he meant is that Monster Island is actually a peninsula.
-----
Homer: OK, hotshots, now that my daughter is on your team, I want to make a few things clear.
Lisa: [embarrassed] Please, Dad, I'll be fine
Homer: [makes negative mumbling noises at Lisa] I don't want anyone to give her a hard time just because she's different: no jokes, no taunting -- [spots Uter]
[guffaws] Look, that kid's got bosoms! Who's got a wet towel?
[chases Uter, laughing] Come here, you butterball.
Uter: [screams] Don't make me run, I'm full of chocolate!

 

[David Paymer]

Homer to brain: Uh, oh. It's time you told Marge your secret.
Homer: Marge, I ate those fancy soaps you bought for the bathroom.
Marge: Oh my gosh
Brain to Homer: No, the other secret.
Homer: Marge, I never passed high school.
Marge: That still doesn't explain why you ate my soaps. Wait...maybe it does.
Homer explains that he failed Science 101
Marge: But Homer, You're a nuclear techincian
Homer: Marge, icksnay on the uclearnay echniciantay.
Marge: What did you say?
Homer: I don't know. I failed Latin too.

 

[brianacook]

not a quote, but it literally had me in tears when i saw it.
homer and bart are delivering the dead trucker's load for him and homer sends marge a postcard. there is a picture of a gorgeous woman on the postcard and it says "wish you were her".
excellent

 

[Josh Dial]

Homer:mmmmm...sacriliscious
Ralph:My cat's breath smells like cat food
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[David Oliver]

Must...keep...thread...going...
Hutz: Mr. Simpson, you've been the boy's father for ten years. Do you really think he could be the leader of a murderous criminal syndicate?
Homer: Well, not the leader, I mean...
(looks over at Bart. Starts crying)
Oh, it's true, it's true! All the pieces fit!
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My DVD Collection http://www.dvdtracker.com/~tretiak.asp
Left Field Sports http://www.leftfieldsports.com

 

[Andrej Dolenc]

Two good quotes from sunday's rerun (Homer & Bart the lepers). Unfortunately both are great because of the scene, but hey we've all seen the show, right?!
- Homer skiing downhill out of control 'This is the worst pain ever!'
- Lisa saying 'Excellent!', complete with the hands
Both of these had me laughing!
Andrej

 

[GARY C]

From the one where Mark Hamill guest's.
[Comic shop guy} "Say, how do you feel about 45 year old virgins who still live with their parents."
[Woman at the convention] "Comb the sweet tarts out of your beard and were on."
[Comic shop guy] "Don’t try to change me baby!"
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If you can't learn to do something right, learn to enjoy doing it poorly!

 

[StephenT]

Bart: Santa's Little Helper? Guess I was the only one who loved him.
Milhouse: You got that right. Remember the time he ate my goldfish? And you lied and said I never had any goldfish? Then why did I have the bowl, Bart? Why did I have the bowl?
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Homer: Well, crying isn't gonna bring him back unless your tears smell like dog food. So you could either sit there crying and eating can after can of dog food until your tears smell enough like dog food to make your dog come back, or you can go out there and find your dog.
Bart: You're right. I'll do it!
Homer: Rats. I almost had him eatin' dog food.
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Burns: Have the Rolling Stones killed.
Smithers: Sir, those aren't...
Burns: Do as I say!
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Bruno: You're just some punk kid, aren't you? Ooh, you picked the wrong guy to tangle with here, mate.
Bart: I don't think so. You're all the way in Australia. Hey, I think I hear a dingo eatin' your baby.
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Stephen

 

[Scott Bauer]

paraphrasing
From the Mr. Plow Episode after Homers commercial airs at 3am:
Homer: Now we play the waiting game...pause...Oooh, lets play Hungry, Hungry Hippo instead.
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Homer taliking to a door-to-door insurance salsema:
Salseman:Sir, you can't put a price on your childrens future.
Homer:I would have guessed that too but here we are.
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[Sebastian_M]

I'll keep the thread alive with my third post:
Homer as the food critc:
Newspaper tour guide: "This newspaper was started in 1903 by Johnny Newspaper-Seed, a young boy who went around the country founding newspapers."
Homer: "If he's so smart, how come he's dead?"
Tour guide (has a look of disbelief): "And we're proud to say that all our newspapers are manufactured with a percentage of recycled paper."
Lisa: "What percentage is that?"
Tour guide: "Zero....Zero's a percent."
Homer: "Wait a minute! I smell cake! It says 'Happy retirement, and.... best wishes!"
--Runs off---
Nelson: "Your old man has an awsome nose!"
Bart: "That's nothing. He can hear pudding!"
Later on....
Newpaper manager: "Hey we need a new food critic, someone who doesn't immeadiately poo-poo everything they eat."
Homer: "Yeah, that usually takes 3 or 4 hours."
Later on...
Pirate guy: "Arr, his reviews are horrible for business!"
Some guy: "Then why did you post yours on the window?"
Pirate guy: "Garrr, it covers up the Health Board's notice."
Italian chef: "We must ban him from our restaurants. His review are bad for business!"
Akira: "No! That would be impolite! We must kill him. Let's poison him."
Some chef: "How do you expect to poison this man? I've seen him it a bowl of change!"
Seb.
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"You what the difference between you and me is? I make this look good."

 

[Mike St.Louis]

...in which Homer and Marge go to the Candy convention and Homer is accused of sexually harrassing the babysitter.
------
Crowd: Two! Four! Six! Eight!
Homer's crime was very great!
[pause]
"Great" meaning "large" or "immense",
We use it in the pejorative sense!
Homer: Marge, I swear I didn't touch her. You know how bashful I am -- I can't even say the word "titmouse" without giggling like a schoolgirl. [giggles]

"Great" meaning "large" or "immense",
We use it in the pejorative sense!

Is that not brilliant writing or what??

 

[David Paymer]

Man, I love this thread.
From the espisode: Who Shot Mr. Burns
Kent Brockman: Dozens of people are gunned down each day in Springfield, but until now none of them was important.
I'm Kent Brockman. At three p.m. Friday, local autocrat C. Montgomery Burns was shot following a tense confrontation at town hall. Burns was rushed to a nearby hospital where he was pronounced dead. He was then transferred to a better hospital where doctors upgraded his condition to "alive".

 

[Craig S]

Time to get some musical quotes in here. Here's some lyrics from the Shari Bobbins episode that had me rolling:
Lisa: If you wish to be our sitter,
Please be sweet and never bitter.
Help us with math and book reports,
Bart: Might I add - eat my shorts!
Lisa: Bart! (spoken)
Bart: Just cuttin' through the treacle.
Lisa: If Maggie's fussy, don't avoid her,
Bart: Let me get away with moider!
Lisa: Teach us songs and magic tricks,
Homer: Might I add - no fat chicks!
Marge: Homer! (spoken)
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Too many DVDs, too little time...
Join the HTF Seti@Home Team!

 

[Scott Thomas]

Castro: "Oh well, at least they like in San Fransisco, they even put up a street with my name on it"
Castro's aide then whispers something in his ear.
Castro"It's full of what??!!!"

 

[AndrewD]

Thanks, I'm not getting any work done today.....(That's not a quote, that's me talking.)
Homer: "D'oh!"
Lisa: "A deer!"
Marge: "A female deer!"
Rex Banner: "What kind of pet store plays hot jazz music at all hours of the night?"
Moe: Uh..oh..the...um...the best damn pet store in town!!"
Crowd (hoisting beer mugs in the air): "HOORAY!!"
Homer: "To alcohol - the cause of and solution to all of life's problems"

 

[David Oliver]

The State lottery is driving everyone crazy. An ad on the TV....
Employee: I don't need your crummy job, Mr. Employer! I've won the lottery!
Employer: Well, who needs employees? I won the lottery, too!
(two window washers descend on a scaffold, each with a huge bag of cash)
Window washers: We both won the lottery!
All: Why don't you win the lottery, too!
Announcer: The state lottery, where everybody wins!
(sotto voce) actual odds of winning, one in 380,000,000.
Lottery Fever strikes the Kwik-E-Mart as customers clammor for tickets...
Apu: Snap on your bulletproof vest, Sanjay, it's time for another bank run.
Sanjay: All right. But if I don't make it, promise you won't sleep with my wife.
Apu: I promise nothing.
And as they announce the numbers Springfield's finest watches to see if he has won...
Wiggum: (answers the phone) No, you got the wrong number. This is nine-one....two.
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My DVD Collection http://www.dvdtracker.com/~tretiak.asp
Left Field Sports http://www.leftfieldsports.com

 

[Marco_R]

HOMER: "I'm usually not a praying man, but if you're up there . . . SAVE ME SUPERMAN!!"
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"The needs of the many outweigh the needs - what do you mean this is a radiation chamber?!!!"

 

[Grant B]

Not verbatum but close enough for government work
Homer: Brain, you don't like me and I don't like you; so let's just get through this and I'll just keep killing you with Beer
Brain: Done!

 

[ZacharyA]

Heard this on tonights episode, he he.
... while bart is reading the personal adds in the daily newspaper...
Bart : Desperately seeking suction ..
Mmmmm waffle runoff