Need some serious advice here (yet another dating thread). (1 Viewer)

[Jeff Gatie]

See, you have not learned the fine art of "women-speak". Let me translate it to our language - When a woman says "I just want to be friends, it means she has absolutely no intention of dating you, ever, and women know men cannot be friends with women they are attracted to (Harry's rule #1), so they never bother to try to have a friendship.

She actually is letting you down easy, we just have a bad habit of beating ourselves up trying to chase what we cannot have. The only way to react to the "just be friends" statement is to completely ignore her, forever. (Better yet, hit on her best friend).

 

[Moe Maishlish]

Frankly, I hate the "Let's be friends" line, 'cause you're catching them in a line, and expected to fall for the lie. It's looking for an easy way out, and I find it to be a cowardly approach to letting someone know that you're not interested. They rarely want to be friends with you, so why don't they just come out and say what they mean?

They only time I've ever said "Let's be friends" to someone is when I actually pursue a friendship with them (I have a couple of x's with whom I still keep in regular contact). Otherwise, why bother saying it?

"Let's be friends" = "I don't want to see you again... EVER... but could you give me the number of your cute friend, 'cause I'd like to boink him repeatedly."

If you don't want to see someone again (for whatever reason), then saying something along the lines of "I didn't feel any chemistry between us, and I don't think we should continue to see each other." would be more honest & respectful for the other party. At least this way you're not expecting someone to swallow a line of bullshit based on the socio-cultural "translation" of the line.

I remember a few years ago when I took "Let's be friends" literally, and would actually call the girl in the hopes of sparking that friendship. It was, of course, always one sided and never reciprocated (i.e. we'd talk when I'd call, but they'd never call me). Screw that shit... if you don't want to be friends, then don't say it. Be an adult about it, and don't insult our intelligence.

Moe.

 

[Citizen87645]

Oh, I definitely know what she means by it. I just think it's stupid to say it when it's obvious what it really means. She may THINK she is letting me down easy but in reality she's just making herself look bad, which I guess in the end would be just as well. Like I said, I haven't had a woman say it to me (yet), but if the day comes I will definitely call her on it.

 

[Citizen87645]

On the flip side I had a female friend call it off with a guy she had been seeing casually. She called it off because he seemed to be more interested in sex than her. His response was, "I think you're a great girl." to which she responded, "I know I am; you just don't seem to think so." How's that for honesty?

 

[MarkHastings]

"Let's just be friends" is the breaker-uper's way of not feeling guilty about breaking up. It's a 'pacifier' line to get you away from the other person without the mess.

 

[Justin Lane]

Brian,

Ever try one of those Russian dating/bride services?

J

 

[Mike Graham]

 

[Brian Harnish]

Justin Lane wrote:


Yeah. Ended up getting a nice threesome out of it, too!

j/k, of course!

 

[Brian Harnish]

BTW, ladies and gentlemen:

My official move-in date is this Thursday, July 1st!!

 

[Geraldine/F/M]

Hi Brian,

First, congratulations on the new apartment! It's great to have your own space.

Second, be at peace. Don't let "finding" someone stress you so much. Focus on yourself for right now. Do things for you. Losing weight was a fabulous step. Now, develop other interest: dancing, music, skydiving. Whatever you have always wanted to do.

Third, go out with your friends. A women who wouldn't go on a date will go out with friends. So ask a women you like to go out with the group. It makes things less stressful. Also, if things don't work out, you had a good time.

 

[David Devaux]

I just read through this his whole thread and I have some thoughts.
First off, right now I am very happily married to a gorgeous woman who makes significantly more money than I do. I also happen to be about 20lbs overweight, though most woman still say I am in the upper third, looks wise. I have also been with many women who many would think are clearly out of my league.
I am not bragging, I am just giving you a basis for the following points I am going to make:

1) First and most important ... turn off your computer and put down the advice books. Get out and socialize. Grab your four closest friends and head to a restaurant or bar. Do not go to a tachno/Dance club it is too loud and you won't get noticed, also don't go to same local hole in the wall. Find a good bar in a big city and head there. When out, make sure you are noticed, but don't be obnoxious. Joke around with your budies, but never, ever get to the point where you may look like you are having a good time at some else's expense (women don't dig that). While out with your buddies, carry yourself as the leader of the group. Women WILL notice a group of guys hangong out and having a good time, and the leader of that group always earns points. Also, for at least the first hour or two, ignore all women in the area (BUT DON'T BE RUDE). Don't gawk at every skirt that walks by, the other women will notice and it will completly turn them off.
During this period your one mission is to very subtley look over the crowd and find the ONE woman you think you may be interested in. When you do, make very casual eye contact, and crack a smile, but don't make an appoach. You must make eye contact several times to ensure that your prize also is interested in you. Then and only then, go up to her. But keep it brief. Ask her to join you and your friends for a drink, invite her friends as well.
Once in a big group, include her in the conversation, but don't talk exclusivly to her. Play cool and carry on with your friends, but whisper something to her every now and then to keep her interested. after a little bit of this, get her on the dance floor and work from there, though this is where the pressure comes and you no longer have your friends as a crutch.

You must exude confidence. You can't just say you are confident, you have to be confident. It never hurts to come off a little cocky, but don't over do it. Make her think you are interested, but also let her think that you could care less if she got up and walked away. If she thinks that her leaving will cause you to revert and sulk in a corner, your dead and she's gone. There is a reason women love the bad boy and it's not the danger it's the cockiness, the self assuradness.

2)Don't get your hopes up. Moving in a new apartment is great, but it won't cause women to flock to your door. though living with Mom will cause many to flock out of your door. So get your own place for sure, but don't think it will be your saving grace or you'll be disapointed.

3) Looks don't matter ... but hygeine and appearance do. Get your haircut every two weeks (use gel before going out to keep it in place) and shave before going out. Women hate the stubbles. They love a good cologne and shoes are an absolute must. Go get a $150 - $200 pair of shoes and only where them when you are looking to impress. You will be amazed how many women notice shoes. Always match your belt to your shoes, brown belt + black shoes = no girl, no exceptions.
If you don't have an iron, get one and use it properly. Everything should be nice and neat.

4) Remember the movie swingers. If a woman gives your her phone number, wait at least three days before calling. And never, ever leave a message until you have spoken at least twice. By leaving a message you put the pressure on her, and she may be just as nervous to call you as you were to call her. If she does not pick up after 3 rings. Hang up and try back tomorrow

5) For at least the first 3 dates, pay for everything, no exceptions

6) lastly, I have seen from experience with friends that some of those online dating services can work, so give it a try. But remember for every 50 messages you send, you can only expect 1 or 2 replies, so go with the numbers.

That is of course is just IMHO

PS, you got to know your limitations. While you can always get women who are better looking comparativly than you are, there is only so high you can go. If your a 5 you are not getting a ten, so go for a 7. This also helps because the ones that are cute but no bombshells are often the ones with the least action of all. The hot ones always hook up, the ugly ones get the guys who are slumming, but that cute girl in the cornor is often ignored and often good to go with the first person that shows them attention

 

[Ted Lee]

hmm...don't know if i agree with not leaving a message. how is she going to know you called?

in any case, i just gotta say it ....

"you're so money and you don't even know it!"

 

[David Devaux]

"how is she going to know you called?"

She won't, that's why you call back later. This is actually one of the single most vital rules there is. If you get her on the phone there is a very good chance you can talk her into going out with you again. If you leave a message, you do two things. First, is you give her a chance to think it over, and we all know women think waaay to much and she may convince herself that you are not mister right before even getting a chance to know you. Second, it leaves the ball in her court. She may feel uncomfortable calling a guy she doesn't know well, despite 20 years of progress girls are still taught to be the one pursued not the pursuer. Also, by leaving a message you can never, ever call her again until she calls you without looking desperate. we all know that being deperate is the one thing that will kill any chance you had.

This also aplies if the roomate answers and she is not home. when asked if you want to leave a message, politly decline and call back.

The exception to this rule comes if you have attempted to call 4 or 5 times and she never answers. Then take a shot and leave a message, but don't hold your breath waiting for a call.

If anyone has experience different to this please share, as of course this whole diatribe is based solely on my experience.

 

[Citizen87645]

And if she has caller ID? I guess it would be a good sign if she took it upon herself to call you back even though you didn't leave a message. And if she just saw you called but left no message, she might be more intrigued...

 

[David Devaux]

Good point about caller ID. Do not attempt to call several times in one day. Try once or twice and then wait a day or so. If you keep on trying and she keeps seeing your ID, she is gonna think your weird.

 

[Chris]

Or a stalker.

Hey, I agree with several of the above, get out, socialize.. you may find what you're looking for in the strangest of places.

 

[Geraldine/F/M]

July 1st

Your move in date, Brian! Good luck. Don' forget, lift with your legs.

 

[Ted Lee]

considering all the bettys he's gonna be brining home -- that takes on a whole new meaning.

or...was that what the was for?

 

[Mike Broadman]

I also don't like leaving messages, but one should be flexible enough to gauge each situation uniquely. With women, a guy should be able to tell how interested a woman is in him.

If a woman is interested, she will call back. If it's all up in the air, then you're right, it's better to try to actually get her on the phone.

I would also suggest that when asking her out, have something specific in mind. I prefer saying, "Do you want to catch the new museum exhibit on Sunday?" than "Ya wanna do something some time?"

 

[Ted Lee]

i think the whole "rules" thing is a bunch of hooey. if you feel like calling her, call her. if you feel like waiting a few days, do it because you think that's the right thing to do ... not because there's some "rule" about it.

i say that because, if you start following all these supposed rules, you've already begun to not be yourself. you're already starting off trying to be a poser. not good imo....