Getting Married (1 Viewer)

Kelley_B · Sep 5, 2001

Well me and my fiance finally sat down and decided on a date, October 19, 2002. We went out last night and bought a wedding planning book from B&N, and man so much to do and in what seems to be such little time. Is there any advice that those of you have done this before can give me. I have so many questions. Like the big one right now is to serve a meal at the reception or not to serve a meal? Many difficult choices adhead I fear.

Brian Mansure · Sep 5, 2001

My only advise is simple...
Plan the wedding and reception the way you and your fiance want things.
Meaning, don't let others tell you how things should be and look like.
My wife and I planed our wedding and reception for about 75 - 100 guests on a limited budget and we still get comments on how enjoyable the whole ceremony and reception was.
I attribute that success to my wife and I keeping things simple and knowing what we wanted.
I apologize if I didn't answer your question directly but it's the best advise I can offer.
Good luck and I'm sure everything will turn out wonderful.
Brian

Ryan Wright · Sep 5, 2001

Plan the wedding and reception the way you and your fiance want things.
Meaning, don't let others tell you how things should be and look like.

That's excellent advice, so I'll repeat it:
This wedding is for the two of you. Nobody else. It's your special day, and hopefully will be your only wedding day. Everyone - especially your mother & future mother-in-law - is going to have an opinion on how things should be. Mothers, I'm afraid, are particularly nasty about pushing their idea of a perfect wedding onto their children. I strongly advise you to take a "It's all about me" stance here. Do not feel obligated to cater to anybody else's wishes except those of the person you are marrying. This is your day, not theirs.
Of course, none of this applies if you aren't paying for it yourself. If parents are paying I think you're under an obligation to take their feelings into consideration.
We paid for our wedding ourselves and did things our way. My mother wanted to pay for and handle the reception, and neither my wife nor I wanted to deal with a reception at all so we let her do the whole reception her way. Which was fine with us; we wanted nothing to do with the reception other than showing up. We lucked out in that both sets of parents are not imposing so we didn't have to deal with irate mothers demanding the bride wear her old wedding dress, or any number of other silly things mothers often demand at their children's wedding.
Most important of all: Have fun, & enjoy your new life together. The good times outweigh the bad. My wife is a pain in the rear (and I know she says the same about me; if anything, I'm more obnoxious than she is) but I love her to death and couldn't imagine life without her.
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-Ryan (http://www.ryanwright.com )
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day.
Teach him to use the HTF and keep him occupied for life.

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Alf S · Sep 5, 2001

Congrats Kelley!
Where are ya gonna have the wedding..Here in T-Town or out of town?
My wife and I decided to make life real simple and had our wedding in front of our friends and family at my parents house. Avoided all the expensive dinners before etc. instead, we ordered a nice cake from Merrit's Bakery, and hosted an informal and extremely fun BBQ dinner afterwords with lots of snacks etc.
Everyone said they really liked the informal relaxed setting and thought everything looked beautiful.
The money we saved went towards goodies we both wanted for ourselves once we got into our house.
BTW: Thirty-One days and counting until our first baby arrives!

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KyleS · Sep 5, 2001

Congrats Kelley,
"Plan the wedding and reception the way you and your fiance want things.
Meaning, don't let others tell you how things should be and look like."
Again I have to say by far this is the best advice ANYONE can give you. This is not for your parents, friends, or family, this is for you two. Dont try and make anyone happy except for the two of you.
First set a spending limit on each area of the wedding and overall for the whole wedding you may be surprised and have to go without something to make room for something else you want more. This should also help to keep your pocket books from being empty at the end of ONLY 1 DAY

Pricing on a sit down waited on dinner vs a buffet line comes down to how much you want to spend. My wife and I got married 2 years ago yesterday and we decided on a sit down (she REALLY wanted it) and we paid between 18-22 per person and had to multiply that by 160 people, In other words not cheap. Now when we looked at having a buffet it was about half that amount 9-11 per plate.
Now as stated above you honestly will not remember things such as the napkins or trinkets people buy for the guests... and hell guests really dont either so dont spend your money on anything for the guests (Besides the food & drinks).
Get good food, Music (Definetely a DJ no band or string quartets), and drinks. Now I wouldnt recommend an open bar but buying wine and beer is usually not a bad idea. The reason against the open bar is people think that it is free and order the most expensive drinks they can think of. Since they have in their mind it is free (they forget someone is paying for the drinks).
Lastely get a Great photagrapher as you will need one to remember the day because I can guarantee you wont remember half the people that come and half the stuff that happens with everyone tugging at you

Best of luck,
KyleS

andrew markworthy · Sep 6, 2001

First of all, congratulations. Second, there is no fixed rule about what a 'correct' wedding should be (although don't expect anything really unusual - like getting married underwater in fancy dress - to go unnoticed by the press). The only rule of etiquette is that anyone invited to the ceremony should also be invited to the wedding breakfast afterwards.
Although folks are right in saying that parents on both sides shouldn't call the shots, nonetheless, unless you want brooding resentment for years afterwards, do allow them some say in things. Although you may not realise it, typically they have been waiting for this event for years. However, at the end of the day, you have got to draw the line.
There are three things I would suggest:
The first is that you think very carefully about whether you want speeches at the reception. FWIW, we decided against having any. I don't know about any of the rest of you folks, but I've yet to attend a wedding where the speeches didn't leave me squirming with embarrasment. A lot are really bad, the rest are just pure saccharin, and everyone is longing for them to finish.
The second is that you should think carefully about how formal you want things. We rejected the idea of a 'top table' and instead had an informal buffet so that we could circulate amongst the guests. This worked out better, as there were no squabbles about seating arrangements, and it also meant that we had the chance to speak to everyone personally on the day (it helped that we restricted numbers to about 30).
Third, the smaller the guest list, the more you can spend per head on food, decent wine, etc. We had small numbers and a really good buffet and champagne for everyone throughout (it helped that a family friend got 10 cases of the stuff wholesale on a trip to France!). The last thing we wanted was rubber chicken and other horrors of mass catering.
Lots of people afterwards said how much they'd enjoyed the absence of speeches and stiff formality, and a couple of folks we know have since copied this for their own weddings.
Oh, and finally, there is a word of wisdom from 'Friends' - you want a marriage, not a wedding. I.e. although it should be a marvellous memorable day, it's only the start of things. Don't saddle yourself with massive debts or eat up your savings on one event when you're starting out together. A really good wedding doesn't have to cost a fortune.

AdrianOC · Sep 6, 2001

Congrats!!
I have to agree with the other views of "Do what YOU want". Don't be pressured into something that you don't want to do.
My sister and fiancee were determined to do something different, so they have decided to have the wedding ceremony in Rome with just immediate family with our grand uncle performing the ceremony (he's a redemptorist priest) and then come home and have a bash here with friends and family.
It will save them money and shouldn't get anybody's nose out of joint - which is something that happens at a lot of weddings!

First rule - enjoy your day, because it is YOURS.
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"Want to hold up a bank in Latin?
"Catapultam habeo. Nisi pecuniam omnem mihi dabis, ad caput tuum saxum immane mittam."
(I have a catapult. Give me all the money, or I will fling an enormous rock at your head.)
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Kelley_B · Sep 6, 2001

Alf,
We are having the wedding at Tarp Chapel on 91st in Broken Arrow. I never thought about doing the BBQ thing, but that could be a really cheap way of feeding a large group. I joked with Diana(my future wife) that we should go to Sam's and buy a bunch of mini-pizzas to feed everyone with, but she put her foot down on that

My parents have offered to pay 100% for our honeymoon anywhere we want to go, but we have been thinking more and more that we would rather take the money that they are offering and use it for a down payment on a house.
Diana keeps on wanting to push the wedding up, she says its stressful and wants to get it over ASAP! I personally have 95% of family from out of state and need to give them time to make travel plans, etc. Plus we still don't have a florist, photographer, a set time, rings, baker, etc the list just goes on and on.
Everyone,
Thanks for the advice, keep it up! I knew I could use this place to set my mind at ease.

BryanZ · Sep 6, 2001

Kelley,
Congrats! Set a budget for everything and stick to it. Why spend $25,000 on a wedding when you can spend less than $10,000 and use the remaining $15K elsewhere (read house, HT gear, investments, etc.)?
Look around for photographers. Some of your friends may be in that field. Use them if you want to. Perhaps one of them could give you their services as a wedding gift.
As for a florist, why spend $700 or more on flowers that will only be seen and used once? If you will be buying a house soon, you may want to consider plants or rosebushes that you can replant at the house. Have memories and future landscaping taken care of.
Keep things as simple as possible and do not be afraid to think outside the box. You will both remember the day but the day isn't as nearly as important as the lifetime together is. Focus on that lifetime rather than that one day for that one day is only the beginning.

Steven K · Sep 6, 2001

Kelley, I know how it is. I'm in the middle of planning my wedding too. I'm getting married on April 20, 2002 which is still almost 8 months away, but there's so much to do. It's overwhelming at times. My advice, start planning as much as you can right now. Don't wait any longer. I was shocked when we started calling florists 9 months before the wedding and found out that they were already booked.
Luckily, the wedding is being paid for by my fiance's father (thank God for tradition!) and it's already become VERY expensive (over $20,000), but not having to pay is a load off of my back.
Good luck, and if you need any advice or what not, let me know.

KyleS · Sep 6, 2001

---Lastely get a Great photagrapher as you will need one to remember the day because I can guarantee you wont remember half the people that come and half the stuff that happens with everyone tugging at you---
I would agree with Mike, when I say get a Great photographer, that doesnt mean the most expensive. You really have to go see all the work they have done and ask them for references. There are a lot of Gems out there in the Photagraphy area that just havnt been found yet or who arnt the most popular who will give you a great deal and you will get a lot of pictures.
For the cake you should do a lot of taste testing. Find out what cakes you like and who makes them and then choose one which will feed all your guests. Looks really mean about squat here since right after you cut the cake it is EATEN

Another great thing to do is instead of a sign in book for the guests take a nice picture of the 2 of you and have it matted. Then have the guests sign and give their regards around your picture. Then later you can have the photo and mat framed. This really is a neat way to remember your day and the people who came to your wedding and your wedding day. I will try and post a link to the one we did.
KyleS

Bobby T · Sep 6, 2001

Congrats, I'll be taking the plunge myself next weekend. All the advice above is great. All I can add is try not to let it stress you out to much trying to put it together.
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What are we going to do tomorrow night Brain?
The same thing we do every night Pinky, try to take over the world!
Pinky and the Brain
[Edited last by Bobby T on September 06, 2001 at 02:28 PM]

Kelley_B · Sep 6, 2001

Well we hit the first bump in the road, our date of October 19th has been double booked and we booked second so we have to pick another date or another place, we decided to go with October 12, 2002@7:00PM, just one week earlier. We are hoping to have been moved into our new house by then, hopefully

We are going Monday night to sign the papers to offically reserve the place and to get the grand tour. Oh what I can't wait to do is go register for gifts at a store. We are thinking Target for the out of town guest(my family in Baton Rouge). I expect to have a lot more questions for you guys when we start looking at florist, photographers, etc. Well thanks again.

Ryan Wright · Sep 7, 2001

While you're at it, register for reasonable gifts. A close friend of mine married a girl he shouldn't have. They're both from middle class families, not rich by any means. She demanded a $2500 ring. (His ring cost $100 and they're still paying for hers almost 3 years later at 20% interest; doesn't help to have that kind of debt when they only make ~$35k collectively and her job isn't even a permanent position) Then, she registered for extravagant gifts. Some examples: A $300 butter tray. A $5000 set of fine china. $3000 silverware set. Plates (you know, regular old plates that you eat off of) were registered separately, rather than as a set, and the plates she picked were over $100 each. Crystal glasses at $250 each, etc. She also made it clear that these gifts were absolutely necessary and that she wouldn't settle for anything less.
None of the guests had that kind of money. I know because the groom was my childhood buddy, and I'd known her & her friends all through high school. Just a bunch of regular old middle class people. We solved the problem by not getting them a gift, and many of our mutual friends did the same. One good friend even refused to attend the wedding. (I wanted to get 5 people to pitch in and buy her a single fork just for fun, but everyone else was disgusted enough to not even consider it)
Anyway, not that you'd do this, but just keep the price of things in mind. We also registered at Target, and a couple of other stores. The most expensive thing on our registry was a $300 set of pots & pans, which a number of my family members pitched in to get us. Then there were a couple of items under $100 with the vast majority under $50. Heck, we had spatulas and other things for $1.99 on our registry. You have to tailer it to your lifestyle and that of your guests... her registry would have been more sensible if we all had an extra zero or two at the end of our yearly incomes.
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-Ryan (http://www.ryanwright.com )
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day.
Teach him to use the HTF and keep him occupied for life.

Kelley_B · Sep 7, 2001

Hell the most expensive thing we want is coffee table from Target that cost $88(and we will more than likely buy that soon)! We love Target, hell if Target just carried all the needed foodstuffs we would never shop anywhere else(except Best Buy and online). We have been buying up Targets dark cherry color furnature, matter in fact the best DVD rack I have ever found came from Target, and only $30 and its made of heavy wood and holds 10+ DVDs perself, I think it will hold about 60 DVDs total, including Anchor Bay Tins, etc. We lead a simple life, but we just love modern looking things.
Rant about Target:
Ok they have Entertainment centers in every color BUT the dark cherry color, now they have that color in everything else, but not the Entertainment Centers, ARRGGGGHHHHHH!!! Its total throwing off our Target Style living room!

Mike Main · Sep 7, 2001

I got married last year on the 22nd. We planned in 6 months it can be done. There was a cancellation at the reception place so we got an earlier date so all was good.
Just make a choice on things and dont change ur mind or else u'll second guess urself and never make a decision.
Mike
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Alf S · Sep 7, 2001

We are having the wedding at Tarp Chapel on 91st in Broken Arrow. I never thought about doing the BBQ thing, but that could be a really cheap way of feeding a large group. I joked with Diana(my future wife) that we should go to Sam's and buy a bunch of mini-pizzas to feed everyone with, but she put her foot down on that

That's cool...that church is about 2 minutes from our place (Wolf Creek area)
Best of luck and have fun!!
Alfer
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