Is my family completely dysfunctional? (long) (1 Viewer)

[Steve Schaffer]

Rain,

I am an alcoholic myself, thankfully sober now for some years.

My brother also was an addict/alcoholic who reminds me a lot of your description of your mom--so "f"ed up they start believing their own BS, and relentlessly trying to manipulate you or lay guilt trips on you or otherwise use you.

Although my parents were basically ok a lot of shit went down when I was a kid that made my childhood pretty much of a nightmare. Although I love my folks we do not have the kind of close loving and free relationship I see in other families. No hostility and we get along quite well but there's a sort of coldness.

It was not until I got sober myself that I recognized the fact that I had to let go of my own brother, totally cut him out of my life, not allow myself to put up with his bullshit. I did go so far as to change my phone number, move, and not let him have my address or phone number. He never wanted help from me, only enablement.

It is good that you have already made your own family out of good friends, that's half the battle.

Could I strongly second the recommendation for Alanon? It is a sort of offshoot of the organization I got sober in and in it you will find many others who are going through the same thing you are, are learning and have learned to not feel guilt over "divorcing" their alcoholic family members. You won't be told to do anything, people will only tell you what they have done to cope with what you are going through.

Above all you need feel no guilt or remorse about cutting poisonous people out of your life, regardless of who they may be, or how "heartless" it may seem to people who have never been thru this sort of hell.

I wish you well, pat your kitties for me.

 

[Brian Kissinger]

Rain,

I have (had....possibly) an alcoholic mother. She often left me alone (parents divorced when I was like 8) 4 to 5 nights of the week. She brought home abusive boyfriends left and right. They never abused me, but they did her. This and many other things that I need not go into, caused a big rift between us through my teen years into early adult. I basically quit talking to her. I didn't "avoid" her, but then again I did.

After time, we became somewhat close again. I think it was mostly because I was out of the house, and didn't see her. But then my daughter passed away. She lined up a funeral home for us. The problem was, we had no insurance (For us or her at the time), we were living week to week, and were behind in bills.....all this even before. Well, the funeral bill was set to be due in less than two months, and was something like 3000 dollars. We usually had about 20 bucks left a week if we were lucky. We had no way to pay this bill, and I don't think either my wife or I (at the time....2 days after) realized how dramatic this actually was on us. Anyway, I got a few of those drunken phone calls from my mother on this situation. She had no idea the pain we were going through, and only cared about if we were paying that damn bill. My wife was making payment arrangements with them, but that didn't seem to be good enough for my mom. Anyway, it culminated with me blowing up at mother on the phone at work. I'm not real sure what all I said, but I know at one point my stepfather made it clear that I was no longer welcome at their house.

Anyway, after time we came to talk again, and now we are actually probably closer than we ever have been. We both sort of apologized, but really didn't. She seems to have realized what alcohol has done to her, and is currently drinking mostly only non-alcoholic beer.

I'm not telling you to blow up at your mother, but perhaps sometimes the extreme does seem to have an effect. Once you get the money paid back, don't talk to them anymore. Get caller ID and if it's her, don't answer. That's what I did. When you are ready, then begin talking to her. If she still continues this abuse, then continue not talking to her. And I'm not saying she'll eventually come around. But, perhaps it may be a wake-up call.

I know I don't "know" you, but I'm most certain you don't need this in your life. And no matter what you do, it will hurt you in one manner or another. You just have to determine which hurt you prefer.

If there is anything I can do for you, my MSN messenger is now operating again. Feel free to talk at me anytime.

 

[Mark Pfeiffer]

I would say to trust your gut. It seems obvious that you haven't arrived at a snap decision regarding this matter. If you feel you need to cut these people out of your life to maintain your wellbeing, then go for it. People deserve second (and third, etc.) chances, but they don't deserve a perpetual free pass if they're being cruel to you. Since the situation with your grandmother seems different, it may be worthwhile to clear the air with her and find out what exactly is going on. And pay the money back and be done with it.

That all said, talk it over with someone who knows your situation better than us here. Get feedback. Talking about it can only help, even if it's just getting it off your chest. Good luck.

 

[Glenn Overholt]

Yes, in these situations, each one is unique, but from what I have read (and with my state of mind) - I'd do this.

Taping the calls sounds like a fantastic idea. Throw it back in her face and see what happens. It is very true that she may not remember doing or saying it (blackouts are common), but hearing it might do something.

I would see if there is an Alanon chapter nearby and go to at least one meeting. Some people are not cut out for it, but it may help you a lot.

Two, as much as it would suck royal (inset whatever here), I'd sell whatever you had and pay both of them back immediately. Doing it just before playing the tape might hit home.

If it doesn't, change phone numbers, move, and/or inform your boss that you won't accept calls from either of them. Call a cut-off date (maybe the holidays), and see if they come around by then, if not, then do your best to remember that you are probably better off without them.

Personally, I can't stand it when a parent will favor one child over another, for any reason at all. If one ends upin a rut, helping them out of it is great, but let the rest know that it was necessary and you'd do the same for them if they ended up needing your help as a parent to.

Just remember that you will 'win' here, no matter which way this plays out, and in the end, you will be the one that is smiling because you got the better of them!

Glenn

 

[Rain]

Thanks for the input. I guess I already know what I need to do here.

I've actually tried playing her drunken phone messages back to her. She just laughs it off.

It's pretty clear to me at this point that both my parents are so deeply rooted in denial that they actually believe the many lies they have woven over the years.

I appreciate the Alanon suggestion, but I'm not really a group joining kind of guy. Besides, my feeling is that this is really their problem and not mine, so why should I be the one joining a group?

I will certainly be taking care of this money situation ASAP, though. But I am not going to start selling off my possessions to pay back one sum of money that was supposed to be for an open ended period of time and another that was supposed to be a gift.

They have every right to have their money back and they will get it, but they are the ones who decided to change the "terms," not me, so they are going to have to suck it up and be a little patient. However, I will certainly be putting off any non-essential expendetures until such time as they are repaid.