History according to students

Discussion in 'After Hours Lounge (Off Topic)' started by Holadem, Mar 27, 2003.

  1. Holadem

    Holadem Lead Actor

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    I read this on Ann Landers a couple of years ago, now I found it online.

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    Mistakes made by students and selected by teachers over many years. The students involved were American, in the 8th grade through to college (i.e. 14-20 years old).

    Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

    Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.

    Solomom had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.

    Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.

    Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.

    In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java.

    Eventually, the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long.

    Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: “Tee hee, Brutus.”

    Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his subjects by playing the fiddle to them.

    Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was cannonized by Bernard Shaw.

    Finally Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same offense.

    In midevil times most people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote literature.

    Another story was William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.

    Queen Elizabeth was the Virgin Queen. As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted “Hurrah”.

    It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood.

    Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking.

    Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper.

    The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.

    Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.

    During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe.

    Later, the Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was called Pilgrim's Progress. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.

    One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. Finally the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis.

    Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, “A horse divided against itself cannot stand.” Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

    Soon the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.

    Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.

    Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltaire invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy. Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn when the apples are falling off the trees.

    Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German half Italian and half English. He was very large.

    Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

    Source: http://www.thurb.com/humour/history.htm

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    Holadem
     
  2. Lew Crippen

    Lew Crippen Executive Producer

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    [​IMG] he practiced on an old spinster


    May be the best line
     
  3. Max Leung

    Max Leung Producer

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  4. NickSo

    NickSo Producer

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    [​IMG] ah stupid kids [​IMG]
     
  5. Tim Hoover

    Tim Hoover Screenwriter

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  6. Travis Olson

    Travis Olson Supporting Actor

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  7. Rob Gardiner

    Rob Gardiner Cinematographer

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    You forgot the part where Europeans died in the Dark Ages due to the Blue Bonnet Plague. [​IMG]
     
  8. Mat_M

    Mat_M Stunt Coordinator

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    You know what's sad too, I can think of a few teachers I had in high school who would agree with a few of those...
     
  9. Rob Bartlett

    Rob Bartlett Stunt Coordinator

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  10. Scott Merryfield

    Scott Merryfield Executive Producer
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    "Did we quit when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor?!" -- John "Bluto" Blutarsky, Animal House
     
  11. Dennis Nicholls

    Dennis Nicholls Lead Actor

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  12. Joseph DeMartino

    Joseph DeMartino Lead Actor

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    After dinner one night the adults were playing some simple-minded triva game while the kids watched TV in the next room. One of the questions was "Who was the first man to walk on the Moon?" My then six-year-old niece was on her way back to the living room from the kitchen, having just snagged a juice drink from the fridge, and piped up, "I know that one!"

    So we agreed that she could answer for whoever's turn it was.

    All eyes turned to her and she smiled broadly as she announced the obviously correct answer: "LOUIE Armstrong!"

    Of course she nearly died of embarassment and after nearly twenty years she still shoots me dirty looks when I tell the story. (Which usually happens the first time she brings a new boyfriend to a family gathering. [​IMG])

    I can still picture Satchmo stepping off the ladder of the LM, horn in one hand, mopping the outside of his bubble helment with the ever-present hankerchief with the other, before starting to sing that classic tune, "Hello, Luna. Well hello, Luna. It's so nice to find you right where you belong..."

    [​IMG]

    Joe
     
  13. Scott D S

    Scott D S Supporting Actor

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    If you love this stuff, then please check out the book Non Campus Mentis. It also goes by the title Ignorance is Blitz.

    Amazon.com: Non Campus Mentis: Anders Henriksson: Books

    From Amazon's summary:

    "Be prepared to weep as you read Non Campus Mentis: World History According to College Students, a horrifically hilarious compendium of actual North American college student essays."

    "Learn about the victims of the Black Death (who "grew boobs on their necks"), the Automaton Empire, Martin Luther King's famous "If I Had a Hammer" speech, the Iran Hostess Crisis, Zorroastrologism (the "duelist" religion "founded by Zorro"), and Joan of Ark, Noah's wife, at rest on Mt. Arafat. Meet Dim El Sum of Korea, the Vestigal Virgins, "dedicated to burning the internal flame," and Hitler, who "shot himself in the bonker.""

    "Did you know a position as "lady-in-mating helped a young girl's chances for a marriage," and "the assignation of Archduke Ferdman gave sweet relief to mounting tensions," or that "the major cause of the Civil War is when slavery spread its ugly testicles across the West"?"

    I started reading this book when I worked as a cashier in a bookstore. I was literally keeling over with laughter. Good thing the store was nearly empty. [​IMG]
     

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