Too Punny!

Discussion in 'Archived Threads 2001-2004' started by David Poole, May 22, 2002.

  1. David Poole

    David Poole Auditioning

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    My dad stumbled across these at work and some of them are downright hilarious. The following 10 puns were directly transcribed from the memo my dad got. I don't know if anyone has seen these before, but you might want to put down your drink while reading this.[​IMG]
    1. Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
    2. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the "lesser of two weevils."
    3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.
    4. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
    5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
    6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
    7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
    8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggert, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
    9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ....what? (Oh man, this is so bad, it's good) A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
    10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
    If there is any problem with the religious connotations of 5 and 8, I can remove them (although 8 is one of my favorites [​IMG] ).
     
  2. DennisHP

    DennisHP Second Unit

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    A group of mentally challenged youths who lived in the "Apple Capitol of the World", Hood River, Oregon, joined a choir and for snacks during practice they would have apples, of course, and Cokes. It was soon discovered that all the sugar in Coke made them very wired and the pactice session had to be ended. The teachers decided that instead of Coke that they would serve Diet Tab, another cola drink which had less sugar (I don't think Tab is still available but it was then).

    They became known as "The Moron Tab and Apple Choir"
     
  3. MatthewA

    MatthewA Lead Actor

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  4. NickSo

    NickSo Producer

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    [​IMG] #9 was the best!
     
  5. AviTevet

    AviTevet Stunt Coordinator

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    An African tribal leader one day decided he needed a house befitting his stature as leader, and asked his tribe to build him one. They built the largest house they could using the surrounding grass and brush, and it turned out magnificently. When they finished, he decided he needed to hold state visits for other tribesmen, so he invited the neighboring tribal leader to his house, and in return the neighboring leader invited him to his house. At the other leader's house, he was presented a beautiful wooden throne in a sign of peace. The leader took it back to his brush home and placed it in the largest room, which became the throne room. He continued these invitations, and each time he was invited to the other leader's home and presented with a throne, which he took back and used in his throne room. By the time he invited the Queen of England to his home, the tribe had to expand the grass and brush home to three stories and every room was filled with thrones. The Queen's throne was the most marvelous throne, completely encrusted with jewels and it took six men to lift it. His tribesmen marvelled at it and carried it to the top floor of his home, where, when they set it down, caused the entire house to collapse under the weight of all the thrones, killing everyone inside.

    The moral of the story?

    Don't stow thrones in grass houses.
     
  6. Yee-Ming

    Yee-Ming Producer

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    in the (now defunct) Soviet Union, there was a weatherman called Rudolf, staunch member of the Communist Party and known to be extraordinarily accurate in his forecasts.

    one morning, Rudolf forecast rainy weather, but it was blazing with sunshine outside. a couple was watching the forecast and the wife, who was going out, decided to leave her umbrella behind since the weather was fine. the husband cautioned her to take the brolly, in view of Rudolf's warning. she declined.

    later that evening, she returned home soaked because of the heavy downpour. the wife asked her husband why he trusted Rudolf so implicitly. "that's easy", he replied, "it's because Rudolf the Red knows rain, dear."
     
  7. Mark Dubbelboer

    Mark Dubbelboer Screenwriter

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    *ACK*
    sorry didn't read all the way to 10 apparently
     
  8. Nathan*W

    Nathan*W Screenwriter

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    There once was a snake named Nate who was very famous and well liked in the town. One day Nate was slithering across a road by the river when a truck crested the hill. The driver recognized Nate in the road, but if he swerved to the side he would strike the lever that controlled the drawbridge, crushing the schoolchildren beneath.

    The moral:

    Better Nate than lever.
     
  9. Nathan*W

    Nathan*W Screenwriter

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    The once was a man who had a strange gastro-intestinal problem. Every time he broke wind, the noise sounded like "Honda". The man was very embarrassed by the whole situation and he went to see every specialist he could think of, but none could help him. He got so desperate he decided to go see an old oriental healer in the city. When he got there and explained the situation, the healer asked to look into his mouth. Startled, the man complied. "A-HA," the healer exclaimed, "You have abscessed tooth." The man said, "What does that have to do with anything?"

    "You see, abscess makes the fart go HONDA!"
     

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