The Phantom Menace - Spoof Commentary

Steve Christou

Long Member
Senior HTF Member
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Apr 25, 2000
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Manchester, England
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Steve Christou
And yet another spoof commentary ripped out of a dvd mag and slightly modified by yours truly.
GEORGE LUCAS: Hello I’m George Lucas director of Star Wars Episode I -The Phantom Menace.
EWAN McGREGOR: I’m Ewan McGregor, I play the young Obi-Wan Kenobi, the role made famous by the late great Alec Guinness.
LIAM NEESON: I’m Liam Neeson, I play a Jedi Knight, can’t remember the name.
GEORGE LUCAS: Qui-Gon Jinn.
LIAM NEESON: Thanks George.
NATALIE PORTMAN: I’m Natalie Portman, I play Queen Amidala in the movie.
LIAM NEESON: George this opening shot...
GEORGE LUCAS: Looks great don’t it? Like it really was filmed in outer space.
LIAM NEESON: I know but its not as impressive as the previous opening shots in Star Wars, whats with these oddball aliens and the terrible accents?
GEORGE LUCAS: Erm look at these effects here guys wow!
JAKE LLOYD: Shit, I could do with a beer right now.
GEORGE LUCAS: Gaaaah!! Who’s that?
NATALIE PORTMAN: Thats little Jake LLoyd, George don’t you remember? He played the adorable little future mass murderer Anakin Skywalker.
GEORGE LUCAS: Good God, someone upgraded him.
JAKE LLOYD: Can I bum a smoke, anyone?
GEORGE LUCAS: Everyone quick look you’re missing these gorgeous effects.
AHMED BEST: Willi-Wacka-Wambo! Scoodily Doodily Doo Doo!
GEORGE LUCAS: Hahahahaha!
AHMED BEST: I’m Ahmed Best, I play Jar-Jar Binks, George loves it when I talk, it doesn’t even matter what I say, woogily-woogily wee-wee.
GEORGE LUCAS: Hahaha stop it you’re killing me!
JAKE LLOYD: Can I be in the next one George?
GEORGE LUCAS: No, in fact I’m talking to ILM about taking you out of this one!
A FAN: This is the worst movie ever!
GEORGE LUCAS: What? How did you get in here?
A FAN: You destroyed my innocence.
LIAM NEESON: Now that’s a bit overstated...
A FAN: The cherished memories of the original Star Wars movies that made my life worth living has been tarnished by this unholy abomination.
NATALIE PORTMAN: It’s not even that bad a movie.
EWAN McGREGOR: It’s better than those stupid Ewoks for fucks sake!
LIAM NEESON: And the fight at the end was top notch!
GEORGE LUCAS: The music, set design, costumes and special effects were all stunning!
AHMED BEST: Woogily woggily wa...
GEORGE LUCAS: Oh shut up Ahmed!
NATALIE PORTMAN: I watched the original trilogy a few weeks ago, at least we can act.
A FAN: Curse you George Lucas! I hate you with every ounce of my broken and disillusioned spirit! Midichlorians? What the hell, stinking, vile, pus-filled orifice did you pull that out of? You poisonous evil, rancid, wretched.....
GEORGE LUCAS: Darth Maul returns in Episode II.
A FAN: I just wet my pants.
 

AdrianOC

Stunt Coordinator
Joined
Feb 19, 2001
Messages
220
Absolutely brilliant!

Roll on Oct 16th (15th if you're in England/Ireland)!!
------------------
"Want to hold up a bank in Latin?
"Catapultam habeo. Nisi pecuniam omnem mihi dabis, ad caput tuum saxum immane mittam."
(I have a catapult. Give me all the money, or I will fling an enormous rock at your head.)
My DVD List
[Edited last by AdrianOC on September 25, 2001 at 03:09 AM]
 

Marianne

Supporting Actor
Joined
May 18, 2000
Messages
855
LIAM NEESON: I can't believe I agreed to be in this crap. I'm never going to act in a movie again!
------------------
Marianne
 

Eric Scott

Second Unit
Joined
Oct 4, 2000
Messages
313
MARK HAMILL: Here’s the hundred bucks kid, you did a great job. I wouldn’t work again for that that poisonous evil, rancid, wretched.....SOB George Lucas if he got down on his knees and.....never mind.
Kid, you are now the President of Mark’s Official "Scooby-Doo and the Alien Invaders" fan club!
[Edited last by Eric Scott on September 25, 2001 at 10:49 PM]
 

SteveGon

Executive Producer
Senior HTF Member
Joined
Dec 11, 2000
Messages
12,251
Real Name
Steve Gonzales
LEONARD NIMOY: Hello everyone! I'm really proud of this movie, especially the scene where Kirk rescues the princess and....uh, wait a minute....uh, wrong movie - sorry!
------------------
He thought on homeland, the big timber, the air thin and chill all the year long. Tulip poplars so big through the trunk they put you in mind of locomotives set on end. He thought of getting home and building him a cabin on Cold Mountain so high that not a soul but the nighthawks passing across the clouds in autumn could hear his sad cry. Of living a life so quiet he would not need ears. And if Ada would go with him, there might be the hope, so far off in the distance he did not even really see it, that in time his despair might be honed off to a point so fine and thin that it would be nearly the same as vanishing.
-- Charles Frazier, Cold Mountain
 

Rob Gillespie

Cinematographer
Senior HTF Member
Joined
Aug 17, 1998
Messages
3,632
NATALIE PORTMAN: I watched the original trilogy a few weeks ago, at least we can act.
LIAM NEESON: (under breath) *cough* bullshit *cough*
NATALIE PORTMAN: Sorry Liam? I didn't catch that
LIAM NEESON: Well Nat, enough's enough, you may be very pretty and you were quite decent in Leon, but come on, be serious here.
NATALIE PORTMAN (pauses): Err.. wha? Sorry?
LIAM NEESON: Nat, look, I don't want to hurt your feelings, but....
NATALIE PORTMAN: But what Liam?
LIAM NEESON: Well... your acting sucks in this film.
NATALIE PORTMAN: But, but, but, but... you said I was good?
LIAM NEESON: Like I said, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
NATALIE PORTMAN: !
LIAM NEESON: (oh shit), you just come across as a bit er... wooden.
EVERYBODY ELSE: oh shit.
AHMED BEST: Wiggly woogly shit!
NATALIE PORTMAN: !
LIAM NEESON: A bit flat, a bit er... how can I put it - err... crap?
NATALIE PORTMAN (aggressively): You can talk you big Irish ****
LIAM NEESON: Yes, I know it's pretty big, but that's deflecting the argument a bit.
NATALIE PORTMAN: I've seen bigger
LIAM NEESON: (long pause)... How dare you! I'm well known as being a big boy.
NATALIE PORTMAN: Think again grandad
LIAM NEESON: Where have you seen bigger? I demand to know little lady!
NATALIE PORTMAN: (looks at Ahmed Best and winks)
GEORGE LUCAS: This brings us to the next deleted scene between Jar Jar and Princess Amidala. You may not want your kids to watch this one....
[Edited last by Rob Gillespie on September 26, 2001 at 05:46 AM]
 

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