The Lemon (trying my hand at satire) (1 Viewer)

[SteveGon]

As a fan of The Onion, I thought I'd try some satire of my own...
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The Lemon
Taste The Sour Side Of Life
Couple Aggravated By Constant Misspelling And Pronunciation Of Son's Name
Josh and Cyndi Whitecollar, residents of Upskale, NY, are fed up with the constant misspelling and pronunciation of their son B'reynn's name. When he was born seven years ago, the trendy couple decided to do what many modern parents do: alter the spelling of a common name in order to impart a stronger sense of individuality to their child. "We knew that we wanted to name him Brian," said Cyndi, "but we didn't want to spell it the traditional way, as in B-r-i-a-n. You see, we didn't want him thinking that we were lazy when we named him. After all, there are like five million other boys in this country named Brian. On the other hand, we didn't want to give him an obscure name because other kids would make fun of him." Josh credits the book Naming Your Kids for Dummies in helping he and his wife find a solution. "We read the book and decided to go with B'reynn. That's the Nordic derivative of B'reinh, which is the name of an ancient Celtic proto-god. The pronunciation is the same as the more traditional Brian which works out just fine."
While the couple is happy with the spelling of their son's name, there is a downside. "People are always spelling it B-r-i-a-n," complains Cyndi. "Like the other day when I signed B'reynn up for soccer. The coach misspelled his name on the roster. When I pointed out his mistake, he rolled his eyes at me. I asked him why he'd done that and he said that I'd "huffed" at him. Maybe I did, but you get tired of it after a while, you know?" Josh agrees. "What really irritates me is when people pronounce it wrong. True, there is an apostrophe in B'reynn, but it's a silent apostrophe. For instance, I'm forever showing people how to spell his name and they always pronounce it Buh-reinn. That's bad enough by itself but they inevitably put the emphasis on the second syllable. I have to bite my tongue to keep from telling them that my son is not a damned Klingon!"
Josh and Cyndi are expecting their second child, a girl, in January. "We're going to name her Alys," says Cyndi, "It's pronounced the same as Alice, but the spelling is a Greco-Roman variant of aellis, an archaic French word which means "simplicity". We're sure she'll be pleased with it."
[Edited last by SteveGon on November 16, 2001 at 11:39 PM]

 

[Randy Tennison]

Let me try some satire. Perhaps this will only make sense in Kansas City . . . I don't know.
City Council Outlaws Street Intersection Fund Raising
Company Which Makes Giant Pixey Sticks Declares Bankruptcy
Kansas City drivers can breathe a sigh of relief if the light is red when approaching a major intersection. They will no longer be accosted by men who look like the cast from "OZ" trying to solicit money from them. The City Council today outlawed all forms of street side solicitation in a 4-3 vote by council members.
"I can finally take a look around at the scenery at an intersection," said a relieved Mary Beth Rosenberg, "rather than keeping my eyes looking straight forward, for fear of acknowledging the existance of that tatooed guy with green teeth trying to get my attention."
"This is a victory for the driver who simply wants to be left alone" announced Bob McFarlin, city councilmen from the 3rd district. "And besides, geesh, you can get a giant pixey stick at 7-11 for $.50. Why should I give some guy tapping at my window a buck for one?"
However, city councilwomen Ann Koger disagreed. "If you outlaw this form of public annoyance, where does it end. Pretty soon you will be outlawing begging in front of downtown buildings, using cel phones in restraunts, or even survey takers in shopping malls. It will be like Afgahnastan. I bet they don't take surveys at Afgahnstan shopping malls!"
For the time being, the intersection solicitors have agreed to abide by the city council ruling. They have stated that they will have to rely on their original fund raising plan . . . earning a five cent commission each time a drive thru employee interrupts an order to ask "Do you want to Biggie Size that?"
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Randy Tennison
Kansas City, MO
Home theater photos located at
http://home.kc.rr.com/thetennisons/
[Edited last by Randy Tennison on November 17, 2001 at 01:39 AM]

 

[Shayne Lebrun]

People always try to refer to my daughter Kali as Kelly or Kayley, and my daughter Freya as Freida or Freeeeeeya. Really really annoys me. And for some reason they often assume Morgan is a boy.

 

[Graeme Clark]

People can't spell my name, even when I spell it out for them (G-r-a-what?). And then I always get people calling me Gray-em-ee, even after I tell them it's exactly like Graham. And then of course I've had friends call me Gram and even Grim (not as a nickname, that's how they pronounced it).

As for B'reynn there, I actually went to school with a guy who's name was P'Shaw (pronounced Peeshaw). I suspect he has just as much, if not more troubles than poor old B'reynn.

 

[SteveGon]

Here's another one...
The Lemon
Taste The Sour Side Of Life
The Wind Beneath My Wings Played At 1,000,000 Weddings
Las Vegas, Nevada. A questionable milestone in pop culture was reached today when the trite love ballad The Wind Beneath My Wings received its millionth wedding play. The original Bette Midler version was played at the nuptials of Becky Lynn Grazier and Ronnie Joe King, both 19, of Las Vegas. When Becky, a hair stylist at Sissy's Hair Salon, picked the song to be played as a dance number for Ronnie and herself, she thought she was on to something. "I hear that song on WEZY radio all the time at work," she says, "But I never really listened to the lyrics until I fell in love with Ronnie! I thought, what a perfect song for us to dance to at our wedding! I was really surprised to find out I wasn't the first person to have that idea."
As Ronnie and Becky began slow-dancing to the popular tune, the entire contingent of wedding guests stampeded through the nearest exit despite the presence of three virtually untapped kegs of Miller Lite beer. "God, it was awful," recalled best man Kenny Scankins, "I was headed over to get myself a brewski when I heard that stupid song come on. The next thing I know, I'm outside blowing chunks!" Kylie Stubbins, the maid of honor, claims to have suffered physically from the ordeal. "My eyes rolled so far back into my head that they needed to be surgically corrected!" she claims. "I love Becky to death, but sometimes she can be so dumb! Geez!" Ronnie feels that maybe he should have let Becky play one of her other choices. "She wanted to play that goddamn Hey Earl song by the Dixie Chicks," he admits, "but I told her I'd beat the hell out of her if she did. Of course, I was just kidding about that."
Despite the faux pas, Becky and Ronnie believe they have a bright future together. "Even though we've only been dating for two months," says Becky, "We're going to be together forever because we're so much in love!"

 

[Bill Balcziak]

People always try to refer to my daughter Kali as...

What would be the proper way yo pronounce it? I would have guessed (and I'm spelling these phonetically) Kal-lee or Kay-lee or Kal-lie. Are any of those correct? Don't be mad at people for mispronouncing if it's not obvious...

 

[SteveGon]

And therein lies the basis of my satire...