The eternal Family Guy Quotes thread (1 Viewer)

[Gregg Shiu]

My sig says it all.
Quick edit: I forgot about the scene from Magnum P.I. that they did. That was funny when Magnum knocked Higgins to the ground and asked him to say his name again, to which he whimpered: "Tatoo!"
Chris: "If I had a hole in my throat, I'd put pennies in it! Ha-ha!"

 

[Kevin Porter]

"Jackal! Jackal! Looks like a Jackal! Jackal?! Jackal!

Time!

It wasn't right the first time you said it why the hell would be right the next 10 times?!!"

 

[Kraig Lang]

BOOBY

 

[Malcolm R]

Meg: You could kill all the girls who are prettier than me.
Death: Well that would just leave England.
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[At a job interview]
Interviewer: So where do you see yourself in five years?
Peter: [Thinking to himself "Don't say doing you wife! Don't say doing your wife!"] Doing your, uh, [sees photo of interviewer's son] son...
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Quagmire: Don't look at me like that! Fat chicks need love too...but they got to pay.
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Stewie: [hitting on some co-eds] I must say, the most recent campus sporting event was quite spectacular.
Co-ed: Aw. Are you in a fraternity, little boy?
Stewie: Not yet, but I'm thinking of joining I Felta Thigh.
==============
Brian: Come on, I'll show the channel Lois doesn't know about.
[turns on TV]
Lois: Brian what... Chris go to your room! Meg take Stewie upstairs!
Stewie: Wait! That man seems to have suffered a rather serious snake bite.
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Lois: My therapist said we should try a trick called "role reversal", it's where you pretend to be the person who makes you angry. Don't listen to your mother, kids! She's stupid and worthless and you should only listen to me, Peter.
Peter: I'm Lois. I brake for yard sales but I wont let Peter buy anything he likes like that neon beer sign with the chick who had two mugs for jugs. It was only $8 and we had a dozen places to put it!
Stewie: I'm the dog. I'm well read and have a diverse stock portfolio. But I'm not above eating grass clippings and regurgitating them on the rug.
Brian: I'm a pompous little anti-christ who will abandon my plans for world domination when I grow up and wind up settling with a rough trick named "Jim."
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[Lois is washing Stewie's hair in the sink]
Stewie: Careful! It's gently rub the scalp, not scrub like you're trying to get the vomit out of a Christmas dress, you stupid holiday drunk.
==============
Peter: Merry Christmas to all, and to all, shut the hell up.

 

[Lee Jamilkowski]

One of my absolute favorites, from the episodeTo Live and Die in Dixie:

UPN?

 

[AlexanderS]

A few of my favorites:

-Vacuum repair guy - I found out what was wrong with the vacuum, there was a half eaten meatball in it.

Peter - Did you save it?

Repair Guy - No

Peter with this squinted eye serious look - You bastard.

-Peter in Costmart - Who would ever buy a dozen watermelons?

(Gallagher walks buy and picks up a 12 pack)

Peter - Touche costmart, touche.

-Peter getting his book autographed by Tony Robbins - Mr. Robbins, can you sign this?

Tony Robbins - Tony Robbins Hungry (He then proceeds to unhinge his jaw and eat Peter like a snake)

 

[NickSo]

Stewie: You there with the severe aesthetic deficiency!

Robot Peter: Hey ugly!

 

[Nick Sievers]

Forget which episode but it was more of a sight gag:
It was the Diamond commericial with the silhouttes of the man and woman once he puts the ring on the womans finger, her silhoutte drops down and "She will pretty much have to" comes up on the screen.

 

[Matt Stone]

I'm sure it's already been mentioned, but I was watching the one where Stewie infiltrates the cheerleading time last night. I love the bit where Quagmire finds the tied up head cheerleader in a bathroom stall.
"Dear diary. JACKPOT!"

 

[AlexanderS]

-Oh God, Its in my Racoon wounds!

-Peter talking with Simon and Garfunkel - Whats wrong with "Here's to you Mrs. Fleckenstein". So I guess were not going with "Parsley, Sage, Rosemary, and Lowry's Seasoning Salt". Screw this, I'm going to Nam!

 

[Shawn C]

Watched some more episodes last night.

Peter (giving speech at his reception, pointing at Lois)

"Milk, milk, lemonade, around the corner fudge is made!"

 

[James T]

-David Banner, I just slashed your tires

-Arraaahhhh

That should have been how they advertised Ang Lee's Hulk

 

[Casey Trowbridg]

Peter: "Oh Crap, if Lois finds out I'm bailing out on her,to play golf, she's going to hit me with a frying pan. Unless, I drink this frying pan antidote." *drinks* Peter: "Here hit me with this." thwack...

Peter: "Oh, didn't work." falls over

Stewie: "All this stopping people from having sex, now I know how the Catholic church feels...buzzzzzzing!"

Stewie: "There's always been a lot of underlying tention between Lois and me. Its not so much that I want to kill her, its just that I don't want her to be alive anymore."

Stewie: "Lets trade email mine is lois must die, that's all 1 word, at Yahoo.com"

Quagmire: "Hey Meg, you 18 yet?"

There is 1 bit I like with the Asian reporter during the episode where Brian is in love with Lois. She's doing a sexpiece and says something like I just picked a man up off of the street and he's in the bathroom now probably doing drugs. and its Quagmire!

 

[NickSo]

Auctioneer: Our first item is a pair of panties confiscated from a prostitute.

Quagmire: Fifty bucks!

Auctioneer: She had nine STDs.

Quagmire: Forty-five bucks.

Auctioneer: And when we caught her she wet herself.

Quagmire: Fifty bucks!

 

[Gregg Shiu]

Peter: "This will take a portion of my cunning... no WAIT... all my cunning!"

 

[Casey Trowbridg]

I don't remember the quote word for word, and I'm too lazy to check, but when Peter comes back from his sensativity training, and calls Quagmire on the phone I laugh everytime.

 

[NickSo]

Peter: "Six maids a milking five maids a milking fooouuur maaaaiids a miiilking!!!"

 

[AlexanderS]

Stewie: "God how I wish I was the Lindburg baby"

 

[Gregg Shiu]

Tom Tucker's son: What's that?

Tom Tucker: Why, that's the planet Mercury, the planet closest to the sun. What it's doing down here by the wharf, I haven't the foggiest idea-"

Peter: I'm a GUY, you jackass!

Meg: I'm going upstairs right now to eat a whole bowl of peanuts.

Peter and Lois: (blank stare)

Meg: I'm allergic to peanuts!

Peter and Lois: (blank stare)

Meg: You don't know anything about me!

Peter (after Meg runs upstairs): Who was that guy?

 

[Jason Adams]

From the Brian in love with Lois episode...
Lois: Maybe its time for Stewie to start potty training.
Peter: Geez...isn't he a little too young for that? You know what happened to the Lindberg baby.
(flash back to Lindberg potty traning his baby)
Lindberg's wife: Charles, he's only 6 months old.
Linberg: Would you relax? God...I flew over the Atlantic...I'm a national treasure for god's sake! I think I know what I'm doi..
(Lindberg's baby flushes the toilet, and the baby goes down the drain)
Lindberg: OH GOD! (settles himself) Alright...he was kidnapped. You call the police...I'll write the ransom note.
Lindberg's wife: What about Ameilia? (camera pulls back to reveal Amelia Earhart standing there in shock) She saw everything!
Lindberg: YOU LEAVE HER TO ME!