Scott Weinberg
Senior HTF Member
- Joined
- Oct 3, 2000
- Messages
- 7,477
These will all hit the video store shelves eventually. I'm not making any of them up. This is a long post. I'm just preparing you. 
(Credit where it's due: Most of this information comes from the American Film Market Report (an annual event where distributors buy their flicks) at the excellent jabootu.com website. Other info comes from IMDb. I've placed the plot summaries in quotes, which come from Jabootu or Variety, while my own comments follow in italics. Any grammatical errors in the plot synopses are courtesy of the publicist, not me or Jabootu. Enjoy!)
Flying Virus (Rutger Hauer, Craig Sheffer, Gabrielle Anwar, David Naughton) "A top-secret experiment in biological warfare becomes public knowledge at 35,000 feet above ground and now a journalist tries to stay one step ahead of the powerful forces behind a new breed of killer bees and save the lives of a plane full of passengers." (Killer bees, Ruger Hauer and the lovely Ms. Anwar? Count me in.)
Slash (Steve Railsback) Apparently this one's about "A teen rock band gets stuck on a haunted farm visiting the lead singer's family." (The Backstreet Boys meet 13 Ghosts?)
Phase IV (Dean Cain, Brian Bosworth, Mimi Kuzyk) "Four students die in mysterious unrelated accidents and the only connection that they were all participants in an experimental drug program." (So it's Final Destination meets Firestarter. And this one apparently has nothing at all to do with the 1973 killer-ant flick of the same name, which begs the question: why not just call it Phase 6?)
Windfall (Casper Van Dien, Robert Englund) "A con artist and his right-hand man turn a new leaf in an effort to outwit a thief and survive both man and nature’s fury." (Jabootu wisely mentions that these two thespians were last paired in Python. What a team.)
Maximum Justice (Timothy Bottoms, Scott Valentine, Martin Kove, Corey Feldman, Robert Z'Dar, Roxana Zal, Todd Bridges) "McQuade poses as the leader of a feared biker gang to infiltrate the mob-controlled L.A. Harbor, but he is betrayed and left for dead and must regain strength to take revenge." (WHAT! A! CAST!)
Vicious (Tom Savini, Brinke Stevens) "A normal camping trip become a fight for survival for four friends when they encounter a mysterious stranger." (Tom Savini, horror flick, campground setting... Hmmm...)
Scorcher (Rutger Hauer, John Rhys-Davies, Mark Dacascos, Mark Rolston) "After nuclear blasts throw the Earth off its orbital axis, scientists discover that the only way to counteract the orbital shift is to detonate another nuke under Los Angeles." (For my money, no B-movie can have enough nuclear explosions. Dacascos is the Hawaiian-born ass-kicker from Brotherhood of the Wolf, John Rhys-Davies has been in a few minor blockbusters and Hauer remains a B-movie god.)
They Crawl (Mickey Rourke, Tim Thomerson, Tone Loc) "After his brother is killed by an apparent serial killer, an Army ranger tries to unravel the mystery and soon discovers that the killer who is terrorizing the city isn’t human but a rampaging pack of genetically mutated super-roaches that are out for blood." (Mickey Rourke in a movie about killer roaches. He'll be a buffet!)
Trigon: The Legend of Pelgidium (Denise Crosby, Angus Scrimm, Rance Howard) "An isolated town in the old West is visited by two supernatural entities that are locked in an ancient battle of good vs. evil." (Tasha Yar vs. The Tall Man at the O.K. Corral? Sounds trippy. And who came up with that TITLE? It's like a tongue twister written in Klingon.)
Unleashed (Jon Voight, Chevy Chase, Pat Morita, Jaime Pressly, Simon Rex) "A detective and the world’s only talking karate-kicking dog must team up in order to solve the murder of the dog’s master." (This HAS to be a spam-induced nightmare, right? Oh wait. Bob Clark (Rhinestone, Baby Geniuses, Loose Cannons, Porky's 2) is directing, so not only is it possible, but probably inevitable. Fans of Oh! Heavenly Dog take note: Chevy once again plays the voice of a dog. What a respectable career he has these days.)
Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2 (Jon Voight, Scott Baio, Vanessa Angel, Whoopi Goldberg) "Talking toddlers seek the help of a suave superbaby to stop an evil villain’s quest for world domination." (OK, precisely when did Jon Voight become Eddie Deezen? Voight teams up again with director Bob Clark (see above) to bang another nail into the coffin of American culture. Let's face it: things can't get much worse after Baby Geniuses 2.)
The Untold (Lance Henriksen) "A team of experts sets out to search the remote forests of the Pacific Northwest for a lost company plane carrying a valuable DNA testing machine." (That's right folks! It's a new Bigfoot movie! Huzzah. At the very least, Henriksen ranks among the B-movie immortals, so maybe it won't beabominable!) The Home Theater Forum is not responsible for any vomiting or head trauma that may have been caused by that last attempt at humor. We have stricken out the offending punch line and apologize profusely.
Redemption (Don 'The Dragon' Wilson, Cynthia Rothrock, Chris Penn, James Russo, Sam J. Jones) "A bank robbery forces an ex-cop to choose the path of greed and evil or redemption." (I'm not much interested in kickboxing flicks, but this one's got Flash Gordon in it!)
Gangland (Costas Mandylor, Sasha Mitchell, Kathleen Kinomont, Coolio, Ice-T) "In 2005 three heroes battle to free a scientist in a plague-ridden post-apocalyptic city controlled by an evil gang and ruled by the malevolent Lucifer." (I have nothing to say about this one aside from my prediction that it won't show up at your local theaters.)
The Back Lot Murders (Corey Haim, Priscilla Barnes, Charles Fleischer) "During the shooting of a rock video on a studio backlot a series of gruesome murders take place." (The IMDb lists this one as a comedy/horror, as if a movie starring Corey Haim could be anything but a comedy. Look how low poor Roger Rabbit has sunk.)
Point Doom (Richard Grieco, Andrew Dice Clay, Angie Everhart, Ice-T, John Enos III, Jennifer O'Dell, Zach Galligan, Sebastian Bach) "A Hollywood talent agent falls into a love triangle with a woman who thrusts him into the world of strip clubs, drugs and deadly motorcycle gangs." (A roster of actors like this make me wish Love Boat was still around. Dice Clay AND the Gremlins guy AND "Booker" AND John Enos's kid AND the lead singer from Skid Row...all in the same movie? I know what I'm asking the Hannukah fairy for!)
Ancient Warriors (Richard Lynch, Daniel Baldwin) "A retired military unit reunites to battle an evil crime lord hiding in a maze of abandoned mines also occupied by the spirits of ancient warriors." (So it's a military thriller about mafia guys who become underground explorers and get killed by zombies. Crap, who needs Spider-Man?)
I Know What You Did Last Winter (a bunch of snowboarders) "The adventures of five teenagers who enter an extreme snowboarding competition that goes out of control when a murderer is on the loose." (I'm guessing it's 88% snowboarding, 5% horror movie and 7% end credits.)
Alien Agent (Dolph Lundgren) "A lawman from another galaxy must stop an invading force from building a gateway between the two worlds." (According to IMDb, this one was directed by Battlefield Earth's Roger Christian AND Sidney J. Furie, a director whose career arc resmbles the world's largest water slide.)
Rent Control (Melissa Joan Hart, Carmen Electra, Don Novello) "Desperate to keep a rent-controlled apartment in New York City, a young couple must pretend their dead aunt it still alive." (Ahh, have we come full circle? Is it time for another resurgence of those "dead people are funny" comedies? Oh well, two hot babes are two hot babes...)
Megalodon (Mark Sheppard, Robin Sachs) "Scientists aboard an oil exploration submersible encounter the direct ancestor of the great white shark, supposedly extinct for 50 million years." (Picture Jaws about the size of an aircraft carrier! How do I know? There's a trailer of course!!)
Sabretooth (David Keith, John Rhys-Davies, Vanessa Angel) "A scientist gene splices DNA from a sabertoothed tiger with a modern-day mountain lion and the results are terrifying." (I'm guessing that Rhys-Davies won't have to do many more movies like this one after his LOTR stint. And poor Vanessa Angel! After Kingpin, I was sure she was the next Diane Keaton. But still, I wouldn't mind watching a sabre-toothed tiger snacking down on some Angel cake!)
Beneath Loch Ness (Patrick Bergen, Lysette Anthony, Brian Wimmer) "A team of paleontologist exploring the depths of Loch Ness discover a 60-foot prehistoric marine reptile that is terrorizing the lake." (Loch Ness horror! About time! Plus it's got the sweetie from Krull in it!)
Shakedown (Ron Perlman, Erika Eleniak, Fred Dryer) "In the epicenter of a devastating Los Angeles earthquake, terrorists and bank robbers battle over a deadly supervirus." (Irwin Allen meets Michael Bay! I bet this movie is better than Volcano. This one's not to be confused with the Shakedown starring Sam Elliot and Peter Weller, mainly because that movie's almost twenty years old.)
Hard Cash (Daryl Hannnah, Christian Slater, Balthazar Getty, Val Kilmer, Verne Troyer) "Infamous thief Taylor and his new crew pull off a brilliant robbery of an off-track betting parlor, but they become embroiled with a corrupt FBI agent when they discover the money was marked." (Has anyone ever had a stranger career than Val Kilmer? And I never thought I'd get to see Christian Slater and Mini-Me in the same movie! Oh, and Daryl Hannah. Great.)
.com for Murder (Nastassja Kinski, Nicolette Sheridan, Roger Daltrey, Huey Lewis, Julie Strain) "From the underbelly of the Internet, a poetic killer hunts his unsuspecting victim for a frightening, terrifying night of murder." (THAT'S the title? Oh dear lord. Who else wants to see Roger Daltrey and Huey Lewis starting jamming together about internet serial killers? And how's that for an eclectic trio of actresses?)
Thunderpants (Bruce Cook, Simon Callow, Ned Beatty, Stephen Fry) "Comedy about a young boy of seemingly no talent, who has an amazing ability to break wind." (Farts are funny. You know they are.)
Role of a Lifetime (Scott Bakula, Kathryn Morris) "A has-been actor drops from public view and is presumed dead and when Hollywood decides to make a movie about his life, he decides to make a comeback by assuming another identity." (So it's Eddie and the Cruisers meets The Majestic meets Tootsie without the cross-dressing. Oh, and it's directed by Alan Alda's brother, as if that means something.)
Bloody Sunday (James Nesbitt, Christopher Villiers) "On the Jan 30, 1972, British soldiers shot dead 13 unarmed civilians taking part in a peaceful civil right march – an event that was to fuel a 25-year cycle of violence between England and Northern Ireland." (I'm so confused.)
An Angel for May (Hugo Speer, Tom Wilkinson) "A strange experience in time travel has a magical effect..." (The director of Black Moon Rising gets a job! Cool! I have no idea what this one's about, but if you expect "pedantic" things from a time machine, you're just asking for trouble.)
Black Point (David Caruso, Thomas Ian Griffith, Susan Haskell, Miguel Sandoval) Don't know much about this one, except that Caruso A) plays a burned-out Naval Officer and B) he still punches himself in the neck twice a day for quitting NYPD Blue.
Federal Protection (Armand Assante, Angela Featherstone, Dina Meyer) Is it just me, or does Federal Protection sound like a movie title from a Seinfeld episode? But who cares? This movie could be called Paint, Drying with those two cuties in the cast! From the director of Warlock 2 and Hellraiser 3, if you consider that a selling point.)
One Way Out (James Belushi, Jason Bateman, Angela Featherstone) Somebody hires somebody to kill a superfluous wife. Directed by the being responsible for 2001: A Space Travesty and Death Wish 5.
Lone Hero (Lou Diamond Phillips, Robert Forster, Sean Patrick Flannery) Diamond Lou gets to play a villain (cuz he's so tough-looking) who takes over a Western town while Forster and Flannery (as a show cowboy) try to save the day. Wake me when something blows up.
The Barber (Malcolm McDowell) "Through the eyes of a serial killer, we discover a chilling layer to a once-weary town whose only concern was once to survive a winter, but now with only surviving." (I can't even start deciphering the grammatical missteps of that synopsis, but we can't expect people to make homicidal barber flicks AND master the English language.)
Queen's Messenger 2 (Gary Daniels, Francoise Yip) "The queen’s messenger has been called to convey vital dispatches to a highly secretive conference called to combat the activities of modern poachers who threaten the economies of many African states with the smuggling of ivory, diamonds, drugs and even people." (Again: I did not write these summaries. I didn't even know there was a Queen's Messnger 1! What's going on here?)
Ripper: Letter From Hell (Bruce Payne, Jurgen Prochnow) "It has been over a century since the killing rampage of Jack the Ripper and a young psychology student and her friends will soon discover that this is a history they won’t want to repeat." (Jack the Ripper in modern times. Unique stuff there. One can only hope the screenplay was less indecipherbale than this plot synopsis.)
The Operative (Brian Bosworth) "An ex-CIA agent is blackmailed into performing a bank heist in order to rescue his former lover, who was abducted 10 years earlier by the KGB." (So they abducted her ten years ago, and they're only blackmailing him NOW? I don't know what's stranger: this plot or the fact that I expect a Brian Bosworth movie to make sense.)
Silence (Kristy Swanson, Bruce Boxleitner, Vincent Spano, Tony Todd) "A little girl witnesses a murder and is quickly surrounded by a group of law enforcement professionals and a beautiful child psychologist." (I'm guessing Tony Todd doesn't play the 'beautiful child psychologist'. He was Candyman. On the upside, my mother has always had a crush on "Scarecrow" Boxleitner, so she'll be happy.)
Quicksand (Michael Dudikoff, Dan Hedaya) "A Marine general dies and his daughter and a Marine psychiatrist become the target of a shadowy and lethal conspiracy whose tentacles stretch all the way to the Pentagon." (Leave it to the publicists to make a political thriller sound like an aquatic horror movie. Brought to you by the director of American Ninja 2, Delta Force 3 and Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo and no I'm not kidding.)
Leopold Bloom (Joseph Fiennes, Elisabeth Shue, Sam Shepard, Dennis Hopper, Justin Chambers, Mary Stuart Masterson, Jake Weber) "Highly original drama, set in Mississippi, with a powerful twist." (According to Variety, that is the exact plot summary. This cast sure doesn't look too shabby, and I've got nothing to work with here, humor-wise. Let's move on...)
Automatic (Oliver Gruner, John Glover) "A man-machine security guard, defender and handy man is invented, and just when the announcement of this great achievement is about to be made the marketing director is killed by a prototype." (This one's actually an 8 year-old cable sci-fi action flick. Gruner plays the dual role of "two robots" as if they were one. (He's that bad.) I've seen Automatic and it's surprisingly a half-decent Terminator knockoff...not that we'd expect any different from the director of Hulk Hogan's Santa with Muscles.)
Trancers 6 (Tim Thomerson, Robert Donovan) "Jack returns to save the life of the daughter he never knew he had two centuries before." (This is the sixth film in a series that nobody's ever seen. At least it keeps Tim Thomerson earning a paycheck. He seems like a nice guy.)
Dead and Rotting (Jeff Dylan Graham, Debbie Rochon) "Three prankster buddies release the wrath of an old witch, Abigale, when they unwittingly become accomplices in the murder of her son." (I want to rent this movie just so when someone asks me what I got, I can grin deviously and scream DEAD AND ROTTING! Nice title, eh?)
Hell Asylum (Joe Estevez, Brinke Stevens) "The ultimate reality television show, "Chill Challenge," send five sexy models into a haunted house and the one who survives until morning wins a cool million dollars in cash." (Wonder if there will be any nudity in this flick?)
Cryptz (actors you've never heard of) "After sneaking into a strip club, two young men discover that the strippers in the club are blood-thirsty vampires who feed on their sex-starved patrons." (If I were getting my veins bled dry by vampires, I don't know how "sex-starved" I'd feel at the time.)
Tail Sting (Christian Scott, Laura Putney) "A crate of genetically created scorpionlike creatures breaks in the cargo hold of an airplane, crippling the aircraft as it limps blindly in autopilot over the icy Atlantic." (Mutant scorpions on board an airplane! That's the kind of plot twist that would have made Almost Famous a smash hit!)
Deranged aka The Rose Technique (JoBeth Williams, Kari Wuhrer, Sally Kirkland, Leo Rossi) "An eccentric psychiatrist aiming to be in the spotlight is not willing to let anyone or anything get in her way, but when people start to get hurt she must manipulate everyone so that she can come up smelling like a rose." (If you read the above summary 5 consecutive times, your IQ will go down 3 points.)
In the Shadow of the Cobra (Rutger Hauer, Sean Young) "One woman embarks on the chase of a lifetime in the pursuit of a rare and ancient artifact that caused the death of her archaeologist husband." (Who did Rutger Hauer lose a bet with to star in a movie with the psychotic Sean Young? Brave guy. Just checkin': Does anybody buy Sean Young as an old Lara Croft? Didn't think so.)
Psychotic (Sam J. Jones, Kahtleen Kinmont, Joe Estevez, Ace Cruz) "A relentless detective tries to stop a homicidal serial killer who preys on young women." (This sounds like the most original movie idea I've ever heard. Astonishing.)
Angels Don't Sleep Here (Robert Patrick, Roy Scheider, Christina Pickles, Dana Ashbrook, Kari Wuhrer) "A man is accused of murder and manipulated into a web of deceit as his thought-to-be dead twin brother plots revenge on those who tried to kill him." (Man, do I hate those "thought-to-be-dead twin brothers"! Still, it will be nice to see Roy Scheider and Robert Patrick chewing scenery together.)
Knight Chills (nobody I've ever heard of) "A haunting story about the ever-controversial role-playing game Dungeons & Dragons." (Nary a nightly news broadcast goes by where I don't hear awful things about that oh-so-controversial D&D cult. The poster for this one says it's "role playing with a vengeance", which is like saying your movie's about an "aggressive pocket-protector". I wonder if anyone gets impaled on a pointy Merlin's hat.)
On the Nose (Dan Aykroyd, Brenda Blethyn, Robbie Coltrane)) "A college porter makes an amazing discovery – a preserved head with an uncanny knack for picking the winning horse." (That's what we need: more comedies about talking dismembered heads. Two of the three cast members are Oscar nominees. Sad, eh?)
Visitors (Radha Mitchell, Susannah York) "A yachtswoman is "visited" by strange worldly beings, but are they psychological projections of her inner fears or parapsychological creatures?" (Strange worldly beings? Like well-traveled Scientologists? A riddle: What's the difference between psychological projections and parapsychological creatures? $400,000 in cheesy CGI efects.)
Well there you have it; a massive and ultimately pointless collection of soon-to-be available B-flicks. I'll be back to report more as they surface!
(Credit where it's due: Most of this information comes from the American Film Market Report (an annual event where distributors buy their flicks) at the excellent jabootu.com website. Other info comes from IMDb. I've placed the plot summaries in quotes, which come from Jabootu or Variety, while my own comments follow in italics. Any grammatical errors in the plot synopses are courtesy of the publicist, not me or Jabootu. Enjoy!)
Flying Virus (Rutger Hauer, Craig Sheffer, Gabrielle Anwar, David Naughton) "A top-secret experiment in biological warfare becomes public knowledge at 35,000 feet above ground and now a journalist tries to stay one step ahead of the powerful forces behind a new breed of killer bees and save the lives of a plane full of passengers." (Killer bees, Ruger Hauer and the lovely Ms. Anwar? Count me in.)
Slash (Steve Railsback) Apparently this one's about "A teen rock band gets stuck on a haunted farm visiting the lead singer's family." (The Backstreet Boys meet 13 Ghosts?)
Phase IV (Dean Cain, Brian Bosworth, Mimi Kuzyk) "Four students die in mysterious unrelated accidents and the only connection that they were all participants in an experimental drug program." (So it's Final Destination meets Firestarter. And this one apparently has nothing at all to do with the 1973 killer-ant flick of the same name, which begs the question: why not just call it Phase 6?)
Windfall (Casper Van Dien, Robert Englund) "A con artist and his right-hand man turn a new leaf in an effort to outwit a thief and survive both man and nature’s fury." (Jabootu wisely mentions that these two thespians were last paired in Python. What a team.)
Maximum Justice (Timothy Bottoms, Scott Valentine, Martin Kove, Corey Feldman, Robert Z'Dar, Roxana Zal, Todd Bridges) "McQuade poses as the leader of a feared biker gang to infiltrate the mob-controlled L.A. Harbor, but he is betrayed and left for dead and must regain strength to take revenge." (WHAT! A! CAST!)
Vicious (Tom Savini, Brinke Stevens) "A normal camping trip become a fight for survival for four friends when they encounter a mysterious stranger." (Tom Savini, horror flick, campground setting... Hmmm...)
Scorcher (Rutger Hauer, John Rhys-Davies, Mark Dacascos, Mark Rolston) "After nuclear blasts throw the Earth off its orbital axis, scientists discover that the only way to counteract the orbital shift is to detonate another nuke under Los Angeles." (For my money, no B-movie can have enough nuclear explosions. Dacascos is the Hawaiian-born ass-kicker from Brotherhood of the Wolf, John Rhys-Davies has been in a few minor blockbusters and Hauer remains a B-movie god.)
They Crawl (Mickey Rourke, Tim Thomerson, Tone Loc) "After his brother is killed by an apparent serial killer, an Army ranger tries to unravel the mystery and soon discovers that the killer who is terrorizing the city isn’t human but a rampaging pack of genetically mutated super-roaches that are out for blood." (Mickey Rourke in a movie about killer roaches. He'll be a buffet!)
Trigon: The Legend of Pelgidium (Denise Crosby, Angus Scrimm, Rance Howard) "An isolated town in the old West is visited by two supernatural entities that are locked in an ancient battle of good vs. evil." (Tasha Yar vs. The Tall Man at the O.K. Corral? Sounds trippy. And who came up with that TITLE? It's like a tongue twister written in Klingon.)
Unleashed (Jon Voight, Chevy Chase, Pat Morita, Jaime Pressly, Simon Rex) "A detective and the world’s only talking karate-kicking dog must team up in order to solve the murder of the dog’s master." (This HAS to be a spam-induced nightmare, right? Oh wait. Bob Clark (Rhinestone, Baby Geniuses, Loose Cannons, Porky's 2) is directing, so not only is it possible, but probably inevitable. Fans of Oh! Heavenly Dog take note: Chevy once again plays the voice of a dog. What a respectable career he has these days.)
Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2 (Jon Voight, Scott Baio, Vanessa Angel, Whoopi Goldberg) "Talking toddlers seek the help of a suave superbaby to stop an evil villain’s quest for world domination." (OK, precisely when did Jon Voight become Eddie Deezen? Voight teams up again with director Bob Clark (see above) to bang another nail into the coffin of American culture. Let's face it: things can't get much worse after Baby Geniuses 2.)
The Untold (Lance Henriksen) "A team of experts sets out to search the remote forests of the Pacific Northwest for a lost company plane carrying a valuable DNA testing machine." (That's right folks! It's a new Bigfoot movie! Huzzah. At the very least, Henriksen ranks among the B-movie immortals, so maybe it won't be
Redemption (Don 'The Dragon' Wilson, Cynthia Rothrock, Chris Penn, James Russo, Sam J. Jones) "A bank robbery forces an ex-cop to choose the path of greed and evil or redemption." (I'm not much interested in kickboxing flicks, but this one's got Flash Gordon in it!)
Gangland (Costas Mandylor, Sasha Mitchell, Kathleen Kinomont, Coolio, Ice-T) "In 2005 three heroes battle to free a scientist in a plague-ridden post-apocalyptic city controlled by an evil gang and ruled by the malevolent Lucifer." (I have nothing to say about this one aside from my prediction that it won't show up at your local theaters.)
The Back Lot Murders (Corey Haim, Priscilla Barnes, Charles Fleischer) "During the shooting of a rock video on a studio backlot a series of gruesome murders take place." (The IMDb lists this one as a comedy/horror, as if a movie starring Corey Haim could be anything but a comedy. Look how low poor Roger Rabbit has sunk.)
Point Doom (Richard Grieco, Andrew Dice Clay, Angie Everhart, Ice-T, John Enos III, Jennifer O'Dell, Zach Galligan, Sebastian Bach) "A Hollywood talent agent falls into a love triangle with a woman who thrusts him into the world of strip clubs, drugs and deadly motorcycle gangs." (A roster of actors like this make me wish Love Boat was still around. Dice Clay AND the Gremlins guy AND "Booker" AND John Enos's kid AND the lead singer from Skid Row...all in the same movie? I know what I'm asking the Hannukah fairy for!)
Ancient Warriors (Richard Lynch, Daniel Baldwin) "A retired military unit reunites to battle an evil crime lord hiding in a maze of abandoned mines also occupied by the spirits of ancient warriors." (So it's a military thriller about mafia guys who become underground explorers and get killed by zombies. Crap, who needs Spider-Man?)
I Know What You Did Last Winter (a bunch of snowboarders) "The adventures of five teenagers who enter an extreme snowboarding competition that goes out of control when a murderer is on the loose." (I'm guessing it's 88% snowboarding, 5% horror movie and 7% end credits.)
Alien Agent (Dolph Lundgren) "A lawman from another galaxy must stop an invading force from building a gateway between the two worlds." (According to IMDb, this one was directed by Battlefield Earth's Roger Christian AND Sidney J. Furie, a director whose career arc resmbles the world's largest water slide.)
Rent Control (Melissa Joan Hart, Carmen Electra, Don Novello) "Desperate to keep a rent-controlled apartment in New York City, a young couple must pretend their dead aunt it still alive." (Ahh, have we come full circle? Is it time for another resurgence of those "dead people are funny" comedies? Oh well, two hot babes are two hot babes...)
Megalodon (Mark Sheppard, Robin Sachs) "Scientists aboard an oil exploration submersible encounter the direct ancestor of the great white shark, supposedly extinct for 50 million years." (Picture Jaws about the size of an aircraft carrier! How do I know? There's a trailer of course!!)
Sabretooth (David Keith, John Rhys-Davies, Vanessa Angel) "A scientist gene splices DNA from a sabertoothed tiger with a modern-day mountain lion and the results are terrifying." (I'm guessing that Rhys-Davies won't have to do many more movies like this one after his LOTR stint. And poor Vanessa Angel! After Kingpin, I was sure she was the next Diane Keaton. But still, I wouldn't mind watching a sabre-toothed tiger snacking down on some Angel cake!)
Beneath Loch Ness (Patrick Bergen, Lysette Anthony, Brian Wimmer) "A team of paleontologist exploring the depths of Loch Ness discover a 60-foot prehistoric marine reptile that is terrorizing the lake." (Loch Ness horror! About time! Plus it's got the sweetie from Krull in it!)
Shakedown (Ron Perlman, Erika Eleniak, Fred Dryer) "In the epicenter of a devastating Los Angeles earthquake, terrorists and bank robbers battle over a deadly supervirus." (Irwin Allen meets Michael Bay! I bet this movie is better than Volcano. This one's not to be confused with the Shakedown starring Sam Elliot and Peter Weller, mainly because that movie's almost twenty years old.)
Hard Cash (Daryl Hannnah, Christian Slater, Balthazar Getty, Val Kilmer, Verne Troyer) "Infamous thief Taylor and his new crew pull off a brilliant robbery of an off-track betting parlor, but they become embroiled with a corrupt FBI agent when they discover the money was marked." (Has anyone ever had a stranger career than Val Kilmer? And I never thought I'd get to see Christian Slater and Mini-Me in the same movie! Oh, and Daryl Hannah. Great.)
.com for Murder (Nastassja Kinski, Nicolette Sheridan, Roger Daltrey, Huey Lewis, Julie Strain) "From the underbelly of the Internet, a poetic killer hunts his unsuspecting victim for a frightening, terrifying night of murder." (THAT'S the title? Oh dear lord. Who else wants to see Roger Daltrey and Huey Lewis starting jamming together about internet serial killers? And how's that for an eclectic trio of actresses?)
Thunderpants (Bruce Cook, Simon Callow, Ned Beatty, Stephen Fry) "Comedy about a young boy of seemingly no talent, who has an amazing ability to break wind." (Farts are funny. You know they are.)
Role of a Lifetime (Scott Bakula, Kathryn Morris) "A has-been actor drops from public view and is presumed dead and when Hollywood decides to make a movie about his life, he decides to make a comeback by assuming another identity." (So it's Eddie and the Cruisers meets The Majestic meets Tootsie without the cross-dressing. Oh, and it's directed by Alan Alda's brother, as if that means something.)
Bloody Sunday (James Nesbitt, Christopher Villiers) "On the Jan 30, 1972, British soldiers shot dead 13 unarmed civilians taking part in a peaceful civil right march – an event that was to fuel a 25-year cycle of violence between England and Northern Ireland." (I'm so confused.)
An Angel for May (Hugo Speer, Tom Wilkinson) "A strange experience in time travel has a magical effect..." (The director of Black Moon Rising gets a job! Cool! I have no idea what this one's about, but if you expect "pedantic" things from a time machine, you're just asking for trouble.)
Black Point (David Caruso, Thomas Ian Griffith, Susan Haskell, Miguel Sandoval) Don't know much about this one, except that Caruso A) plays a burned-out Naval Officer and B) he still punches himself in the neck twice a day for quitting NYPD Blue.
Federal Protection (Armand Assante, Angela Featherstone, Dina Meyer) Is it just me, or does Federal Protection sound like a movie title from a Seinfeld episode? But who cares? This movie could be called Paint, Drying with those two cuties in the cast! From the director of Warlock 2 and Hellraiser 3, if you consider that a selling point.)
One Way Out (James Belushi, Jason Bateman, Angela Featherstone) Somebody hires somebody to kill a superfluous wife. Directed by the being responsible for 2001: A Space Travesty and Death Wish 5.
Lone Hero (Lou Diamond Phillips, Robert Forster, Sean Patrick Flannery) Diamond Lou gets to play a villain (cuz he's so tough-looking) who takes over a Western town while Forster and Flannery (as a show cowboy) try to save the day. Wake me when something blows up.
The Barber (Malcolm McDowell) "Through the eyes of a serial killer, we discover a chilling layer to a once-weary town whose only concern was once to survive a winter, but now with only surviving." (I can't even start deciphering the grammatical missteps of that synopsis, but we can't expect people to make homicidal barber flicks AND master the English language.)
Queen's Messenger 2 (Gary Daniels, Francoise Yip) "The queen’s messenger has been called to convey vital dispatches to a highly secretive conference called to combat the activities of modern poachers who threaten the economies of many African states with the smuggling of ivory, diamonds, drugs and even people." (Again: I did not write these summaries. I didn't even know there was a Queen's Messnger 1! What's going on here?)
Ripper: Letter From Hell (Bruce Payne, Jurgen Prochnow) "It has been over a century since the killing rampage of Jack the Ripper and a young psychology student and her friends will soon discover that this is a history they won’t want to repeat." (Jack the Ripper in modern times. Unique stuff there. One can only hope the screenplay was less indecipherbale than this plot synopsis.)
The Operative (Brian Bosworth) "An ex-CIA agent is blackmailed into performing a bank heist in order to rescue his former lover, who was abducted 10 years earlier by the KGB." (So they abducted her ten years ago, and they're only blackmailing him NOW? I don't know what's stranger: this plot or the fact that I expect a Brian Bosworth movie to make sense.)
Silence (Kristy Swanson, Bruce Boxleitner, Vincent Spano, Tony Todd) "A little girl witnesses a murder and is quickly surrounded by a group of law enforcement professionals and a beautiful child psychologist." (I'm guessing Tony Todd doesn't play the 'beautiful child psychologist'. He was Candyman. On the upside, my mother has always had a crush on "Scarecrow" Boxleitner, so she'll be happy.)
Quicksand (Michael Dudikoff, Dan Hedaya) "A Marine general dies and his daughter and a Marine psychiatrist become the target of a shadowy and lethal conspiracy whose tentacles stretch all the way to the Pentagon." (Leave it to the publicists to make a political thriller sound like an aquatic horror movie. Brought to you by the director of American Ninja 2, Delta Force 3 and Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo and no I'm not kidding.)
Leopold Bloom (Joseph Fiennes, Elisabeth Shue, Sam Shepard, Dennis Hopper, Justin Chambers, Mary Stuart Masterson, Jake Weber) "Highly original drama, set in Mississippi, with a powerful twist." (According to Variety, that is the exact plot summary. This cast sure doesn't look too shabby, and I've got nothing to work with here, humor-wise. Let's move on...)
Automatic (Oliver Gruner, John Glover) "A man-machine security guard, defender and handy man is invented, and just when the announcement of this great achievement is about to be made the marketing director is killed by a prototype." (This one's actually an 8 year-old cable sci-fi action flick. Gruner plays the dual role of "two robots" as if they were one. (He's that bad.) I've seen Automatic and it's surprisingly a half-decent Terminator knockoff...not that we'd expect any different from the director of Hulk Hogan's Santa with Muscles.)
Trancers 6 (Tim Thomerson, Robert Donovan) "Jack returns to save the life of the daughter he never knew he had two centuries before." (This is the sixth film in a series that nobody's ever seen. At least it keeps Tim Thomerson earning a paycheck. He seems like a nice guy.)
Dead and Rotting (Jeff Dylan Graham, Debbie Rochon) "Three prankster buddies release the wrath of an old witch, Abigale, when they unwittingly become accomplices in the murder of her son." (I want to rent this movie just so when someone asks me what I got, I can grin deviously and scream DEAD AND ROTTING! Nice title, eh?)
Hell Asylum (Joe Estevez, Brinke Stevens) "The ultimate reality television show, "Chill Challenge," send five sexy models into a haunted house and the one who survives until morning wins a cool million dollars in cash." (Wonder if there will be any nudity in this flick?)
Cryptz (actors you've never heard of) "After sneaking into a strip club, two young men discover that the strippers in the club are blood-thirsty vampires who feed on their sex-starved patrons." (If I were getting my veins bled dry by vampires, I don't know how "sex-starved" I'd feel at the time.)
Tail Sting (Christian Scott, Laura Putney) "A crate of genetically created scorpionlike creatures breaks in the cargo hold of an airplane, crippling the aircraft as it limps blindly in autopilot over the icy Atlantic." (Mutant scorpions on board an airplane! That's the kind of plot twist that would have made Almost Famous a smash hit!)
Deranged aka The Rose Technique (JoBeth Williams, Kari Wuhrer, Sally Kirkland, Leo Rossi) "An eccentric psychiatrist aiming to be in the spotlight is not willing to let anyone or anything get in her way, but when people start to get hurt she must manipulate everyone so that she can come up smelling like a rose." (If you read the above summary 5 consecutive times, your IQ will go down 3 points.)
In the Shadow of the Cobra (Rutger Hauer, Sean Young) "One woman embarks on the chase of a lifetime in the pursuit of a rare and ancient artifact that caused the death of her archaeologist husband." (Who did Rutger Hauer lose a bet with to star in a movie with the psychotic Sean Young? Brave guy. Just checkin': Does anybody buy Sean Young as an old Lara Croft? Didn't think so.)
Psychotic (Sam J. Jones, Kahtleen Kinmont, Joe Estevez, Ace Cruz) "A relentless detective tries to stop a homicidal serial killer who preys on young women." (This sounds like the most original movie idea I've ever heard. Astonishing.)
Angels Don't Sleep Here (Robert Patrick, Roy Scheider, Christina Pickles, Dana Ashbrook, Kari Wuhrer) "A man is accused of murder and manipulated into a web of deceit as his thought-to-be dead twin brother plots revenge on those who tried to kill him." (Man, do I hate those "thought-to-be-dead twin brothers"! Still, it will be nice to see Roy Scheider and Robert Patrick chewing scenery together.)
Knight Chills (nobody I've ever heard of) "A haunting story about the ever-controversial role-playing game Dungeons & Dragons." (Nary a nightly news broadcast goes by where I don't hear awful things about that oh-so-controversial D&D cult. The poster for this one says it's "role playing with a vengeance", which is like saying your movie's about an "aggressive pocket-protector". I wonder if anyone gets impaled on a pointy Merlin's hat.)
On the Nose (Dan Aykroyd, Brenda Blethyn, Robbie Coltrane)) "A college porter makes an amazing discovery – a preserved head with an uncanny knack for picking the winning horse." (That's what we need: more comedies about talking dismembered heads. Two of the three cast members are Oscar nominees. Sad, eh?)
Visitors (Radha Mitchell, Susannah York) "A yachtswoman is "visited" by strange worldly beings, but are they psychological projections of her inner fears or parapsychological creatures?" (Strange worldly beings? Like well-traveled Scientologists? A riddle: What's the difference between psychological projections and parapsychological creatures? $400,000 in cheesy CGI efects.)
Well there you have it; a massive and ultimately pointless collection of soon-to-be available B-flicks. I'll be back to report more as they surface!
