The all-old generic (annotated (condensed)) ST:TOS Episode

Discussion in 'Archived Threads 2001-2004' started by WoodyH, Feb 21, 2002.

  1. WoodyH

    WoodyH Stunt Coordinator

    Joined:
    Mar 23, 2000
    Messages:
    228
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    0
    (I found this while digging through my old website archives. No idea of the source. Made me laugh then, and does now. Enjoy.)
    ALL OUR EVERYDAYS - THE ALL-OLD GENERIC [AND ANNOTATED] (AND HIGHLY CONDENSED) ST:TOS EPISODE...
    ------------------------------------------------------------
    Captain's log, Stardate 34539.1283
    The numbers get longer every rerun, ever notice that?
    The Enterprise is heading for Sigma Beta Alpha (the pledge of half the crew). Almost nothing is happening.
    Sulu: We're entering the system. Shall I assume standard orbit?
    Now there's a question. I've always wanted to hear Kirk say, "No, Sulu, I want the weirdest bizarre orbit you can imagine! I want us swinging through the treetops one minute and halfway to Eroticon VI the next! Show us your stuff, Sulu baby!"
    Kirk: All right, we're going down. Spock, how many ways are there to get killed on this planet?
    Spock: Approximately two, Captain.
    Kirk: Security! Two security officers. Who's on this week?
    Intercom: Lebowitz and Markovitz, sir.
    In background: "I got killed last week, dammit! Send Bernstein!" "Listen, I was chewed into jello twice in one episode just last month! It's your turn!" Etc.
    (They beam down.)
    Kirk gives the orders in his usual inimitable fashion:
    Kirk: Lebowitz, you investigate the strange cave. Markovitz, you gather samples from the twitching plants. ... I'll go seduce the high priestess.
    All: Yes Captain.
    Which would you rather be?
    (Markovitz goes into the strange cave and comes out in a thousand pieces.)
    We all know what's coming next...
    McCoy: He's dead, Jim!
    No kidding. Markovitz falls into a vat of boiling antimatter and Bones says "He's dead, Jim!" "...No Bones, I thought he was just napping on the job!" Well, that's TV writing.
    We might as well dispose of his other line, too.
    Kirk: It's time for my physical, Bones.
    McCoy: Dammit, Jim, I'm a doctor, not a physician!
    "I'm a doctor, not a ..." fill in the blank.
    "I'm a doctor, not a floor wax!"
    No, wait, it's the NEW Doctor McCoy -- he's a doctor AND a floor wax!
    "He's dead, Jim -- but look at that shine!"
    All right, now we get down to the meat of the episode.

    Kirk: Spock!
    Bones: Jim!
    Spock: Captain!
    Kirk: Bones!
    Scotty: Coptin!
    Kirk: Scotty!
    Bones: Spock!
    Chekov: Keptin!
    Spock: Jim!
    Bones: Dammit!
    Kirk: I want answers!
    Scotty: They can't take much more!
    Neither can we.
    Bones: Jim!
    Spock: Captain!
    Kirk: Bones!
    Scotty: Coptin!
    Kirk: Kirk to Engineering!
    Intercom: I'm sorry...the number you have dialed...is not in service.
    Kirk: Whhatt!!?
    ...and so on.
    All right, now we come down to the ending. Now, depending on which season the episode was in, there are three endings. They were very strict about this in the editing.
    In the first season, it was the "test by superior beings" ending.

    Kirk: But what were these Old Ones, anyway?
    Amazingly superior being: (appearing suddenly, waving a large magic wand) Aha, it was all just a test! There's hope for you yet! We're not going to destroy you after all, at least not this century!
    It's always the Old Ones, too. Or the Great Ones. The Something Ones, anyhow. The Blue Ones, maybe.
    No, the Dull Ones. "We poor inferior beings were put here by the Dull Ones. They put us to sleep for a thousand years. You woke us up, Kirk, so you must die."
    The second season was the high-tension one. Kirk's on the planet with the hyperexplosive, it's time for a last-minute beam-up, and what's malfunctioning? The transporter of course! No kidding.

    Spock: (over communicator) Five. Four.
    Kirk: Scotty, hurry up.
    Spock: Three. Two.
    Scotty: (over communicator) It's fixed, but I don't...
    Kirk: Scotty! Detonate and energize! (pause) No! ENERGIZE and DE...
    haphooOOOOMMMPPPHHsizzle
    But in the third season, it was Spock. See, for the first couple years they hadn't really gotten his character down, but in the third season it was all well-defined.
    Kirk: Spock! Isn't it true that Vulcans have the ability to tapdance backwards through time while levitating through walls and juggling loaded phasers, blindfolded?
    Spock: Yes, Captain, but it requires immense concentration.
    Kirk: You'll just have to try, Spock!
    Spock: Ommm...oooooo....Oh, I did it. I guess it wasn't so hard after all.
    What really gets me about Spock is his amazing memory for trivia. Ancient history of a planet he wasn't born on, stellar maps, geography, arts & entertainment... I want to see this man on Jeopardy. No, wait, here's the scenario: Spock, HAL 9000, and Obi-Wan Kenobi, playing Jeopardy...
    AND OUR NEXT ANSWER IS: ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTY METERS. WHAT'S THE QUESTION? LET'S SEE WHAT OUR CONTESTANTS WROTE! SPOCK?
    Spock: What is the wingspan of a Klingon warship?
    THAT'S CORRECT, BUT IT'S NOT THE QUESTION WE'RE LOOKING FOR. HAL 9000?
    HAL: How wide is the docking bay?
    I'M SORRY, THAT'S NOT CORRECT.
    HAL: Yes it is.
    NO IT'S NOT.
    HAL: I'll turn off your life support.
    WE'LL BE BACK IN A MOMENT!
    After a bit: The scene opens. HAL is missing.
    AND FOR FINAL JEOPARDY! THE ANSWER IS: FORTY-TWO! THE QUESTION IS...? SPOCK?
    Spock: How many roads must a man walk down?
    NO, I'M SORRY, THAT'S NOT RIGHT. OBI-WAN KENOBI?
    Kenobi: How many years must I wait in this f****** desert?
    (pause)
    NO, WE CAN'T ACCEPT THAT ANSWER.
    Kenobi: You can accept that answer.
    WE CAN ACCEPT THAT ANSWER!
    Kenobi: Tell me what I've won.
    HERE'S WHAT YOU'VE WON!
     
  2. Jack Briggs

    Jack Briggs Executive Producer

    Joined:
    Jun 3, 1999
    Messages:
    16,738
    Likes Received:
    129
    Trophy Points:
    0
    I read. I laughed. Out loud. Thanks!
     
  3. Rain

    Rain Producer

    Joined:
    Mar 21, 2001
    Messages:
    5,015
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    0
    Bravo! Bravo!
    [​IMG][​IMG][​IMG][​IMG][​IMG]
    That's the funniest damn thing I've read in ages.
    Thanks, Woody. [​IMG]
     
  4. Steve Christou

    Steve Christou Long Member

    Joined:
    Apr 25, 2000
    Messages:
    15,790
    Likes Received:
    404
    Trophy Points:
    9,110
    Location:
    Manchester, England
    Real Name:
    Steve Christou
    [​IMG] [​IMG] Classic stuff Woody! Thanks for the late night guffaw! [​IMG]
     
  5. Jon_W

    Jon_W Stunt Coordinator

    Joined:
    Jul 19, 2000
    Messages:
    240
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    0
    LOL[​IMG] The orginal series is great, however, I don't know what is more fun, watching the show, or making fun of it. How man times have people got a good laugh out of Shatner jokes. Shatner makes me so proud to be Canadian. There are times I actually can convince myself that Shatner is a good actor, well maybe not.
     
  6. Steve Christou

    Steve Christou Long Member

    Joined:
    Apr 25, 2000
    Messages:
    15,790
    Likes Received:
    404
    Trophy Points:
    9,110
    Location:
    Manchester, England
    Real Name:
    Steve Christou
    Hey nobody knocks the Shat, his Captain Kirk was the best Captain the Enterprise ever had, heck he was the best Starship Captain, period.[​IMG]
    Here's the proof...
    01. Kirk can beat up a Klingon bare-handed.
    02. Kirk never drinks tea. Ever.
    03. Diplomacy for Kirk is a phaser and a smirk.
    04. Kirk would personally throw Wesley off his bridge.
    05. Two words: Shoulder Roll.
    06. Kirk says "Screw the Prime Directive!"
    07. Kirk knows 20th Century curses.
    08. Kirk was NEVER assimilated by the Borg and used against the Federation.
    09. Kirk wasn't shy about taking his shirt off -- even around those pesky Yeomans.
    10. Kirk would never waste a holodeck on something stupid like Dixon Hill.
    11. Kirk never once stood up and had to straighten his shirt.
    12. Kirk can beat a Vulcan at Chess.
    13. Kirk liked a good belt of liquor every now and again.
    14. Kirk looks good with a ripped shirt.
    15. If Kirk ever met a Ferengi, he would rip off its head and shit down its neck.
    16. Kirk is not politically correct.
    17. Kirk never wore green tights and frolicked about in Sherwood Forest.
    18. One Word: Miniskirts.
    19. Kirk's girlfriends always look good in soft light.
    20. The extent of Kirk's knowledge of Klingon vocabulary can be roughly translated as "GO F**K YOURSELF!"
    21. If something doesn't speak English -- it's toast.
    22. If Kirk finds a strange spinning probe, he blows it up.
    23. Kirk emphasizes his orations with hand gestures.
    24. Kirk is not put off by green skin.
    25. Kirk once fought a Greek god. And won.
    26. Kirk's name is hated throughout the galaxy.
    27. When Kirk says "Boldly Go," he MEANS it.
    28. Two Words: Flying Kick.
    29. Kirk traveled through The Great Barrier, met God, and wasn't impressed.
    30. One Word: Balls.
    [​IMG][​IMG]
     
  7. Rain

    Rain Producer

    Joined:
    Mar 21, 2001
    Messages:
    5,015
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    0
    Back when I lived in Calgary, an improv group staged a live presentation of one of the original ST episodes. I'll be damned if I can remember the title of the episode, but it's the one where Sulu gets stuck on a planet and it's cold and he's shivering, etc.

    Anwyay, they performed the script verbatim, but it was just funny as hell.
     
  8. Kurt B

    Kurt B Stunt Coordinator

    Joined:
    Aug 16, 2000
    Messages:
    246
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    0
    Rain, I believe that episode was "The Enemy Within". The transporter split Kirk into two personalities upon beaming aboard due to some mineral that mucked up the electronics, if memory serves me.

    ~Kurt
     
  9. Bhagi Katbamna

    Bhagi Katbamna Supporting Actor

    Joined:
    Jun 1, 2000
    Messages:
    870
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    0
    This should be the number one reason:

     
  10. WoodyH

    WoodyH Stunt Coordinator

    Joined:
    Mar 23, 2000
    Messages:
    228
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    0
    [​IMG] Glad you guys enjoyed...just bizarre the kind of stuff you can turn up on your computer after a few years...
     

Share This Page