Wahay 2000 Posts, can't believe it! 2000 informative educational posteroonies, its a miracle. I know to some members 2000 posts is only a few weeks splurge of activity, take a bow Patrick Sun, but for me its a strain on my feet.... When I accidently joined the HTF way back in April 2000 I only intended to post once and that was "Ok since I'm here which one of you twits can tell me whens them Star Wars movies out on DVD than?", which was to be followed by "How are the women round here anyway?", but something strange happened I liked the place, hmmm I can stay here awhile I thought, see how long I can last before they kick me out, well 2000 posts later and I'm still here... And as a thank you to all the members and staff of the HTF I present The Tale of Sir Lancelot from Monty Python and the Holy Grail, enjoy. FATHER: One day, lad, all this will be yours! HERBERT: What, the curtains? FATHER: No, not the curtains, lad. All that you can see! Stretched out over the hills and valleys of this land! This'll be your kingdom, lad! HERBERT: But, Mother-- FATHER: Father, I'm Father. HERBERT: But Father, I don't want any of that. FATHER: Listen, lad. I've built this kingdom up from nothing. When I started here, all there was was swamp. The king said I was daft to build a castle in a swamp, but I built it all the same, just to show 'em. It sank into the swamp. So, I built a second one. That sank into the swamp. So I built a third one. That burned down, fell over, then sank into the swamp. But the fourth one stayed up. An' that's what your gonna get, lad -- the strongest castle in these islands. HERBERT: But I don't want any of that -- I'd rather-- FATHER: Rather what?! HERBERT: I'd rather... just... [music] ...sing! FATHER: Stop that, stop that! You're not going to do a song while I'm here. Now listen lad, in twenty minutes you're getting married to a girl whose father owns the biggest tracts of open land in Britain. HERBERT: But I don't want land. FATHER: Listen, Alice... HERBERT: Herbert. FATHER: Herbert. We live in a bloody swamp. We need all the land we can get. HERBERT: But I don't like her. FATHER: Don't like her?! What's wrong with her? She's beautiful, she's rich, she's got huge... tracts of land. HERBERT: I know, but I want the girl that I marry to have... a certain... special... [music] ...something... FATHER: Cut that out, cut that out. Look, you're marryin' Princess Lucky, so you'd better get used to the idea. [smack] Guards! Make sure the Prince doesn't leave this room until I come and get 'im. GUARD #1: Not to leave the room even if you come and get him. GUARD #2: Hic! FATHER: No, no. Until I come and get 'im. GUARD #1: Until you come and get him, we're not to enter the room. FATHER: No, no, no. You stay in the room and make sure 'e doesn't leave. GUARD #1: And you'll come and get him. GUARD #2: Hic! FATHER: Right. GUARD #1: We don't need to do anything, apart from just stop him entering the room. FATHER: No, no. Leaving the room. GUARD #1: Leaving the room, yes. FATHER: All right? GUARD #1: Right. Oh, if-if-if, uh, if-if-if, uh, if-if-if we... FATHER: Yes, what is it? GUARD #1: Oh, if-if, oh-- FATHER: Look, it's quite simple. GUARD #1: Uh... FATHER: You just stay here, and make sure 'e doesn't leave the room. All right? GUARD #2: Hic! FATHER: Right. GUARD #1: Oh, I remember. Uh, can he leave the room with us? FATHER: N- No no no. You just keep him in here, and make sure-- GUARD #1: Oh, yes, we'll keep him in here, obviously. But if he had to leave and we were-- FATHER: No, no, just keep him in here-- GUARD #1: Until you, or anyone else,-- FATHER: No, not anyone else, just me-- GUARD #1: Just you. GUARD #2: Hic! FATHER: Get back. GUARD #1: Get back. FATHER: Right? GUARD #1: Right, we'll stay here until you get back. FATHER: And, uh, make sure he doesn't leave. GUARD #1: What? FATHER: Make sure 'e doesn't leave. GUARD #1: The Prince? FATHER: Yes, make sure 'e doesn't leave. GUARD #1: Oh, yes, of course. I thought you meant him. Y'know, it seemed a bit daft, me havin' to guard him when he's a guard. FATHER: Is that clear? GUARD #2: Hic! GUARD #1: Oh, quite clear, no problems. FATHER: Right. [starts to leave] Where are you going? GUARD #1: We're coming with you. FATHER: No no, I want you to stay 'ere and make sure 'e doesn't leave. GUARD #1: Oh, I see. Right. HERBERT: But, Father! FATHER: Shut your noise, you! And get that suit on! And no singing! GUARD #2: Hic! FATHER: Oh, go get a glass of water. Scene 15 LANCELOT: Well taken, Concorde! CONCORDE: Thank you, sir! Most kind. LANCELOT: And again... Over we go! Good. Steady! And now, the big one...Ooof! Come on, Concorde! [thwonk] CONCORDE: Message for you, sir. [fwump] LANCELOT: Concorde! Concorde, speak to me! "To whoever finds this note, I have been imprisoned by my father, who wishes me to marry against my will. Please, please, please come and rescue me. I am in the tall tower of Swamp Castle." At last! A call, a cry of distress! This could be the sign that leads us to the Holy Grail! Brave, brave Concorde! You shall not have died in vain! CONCORDE: Uh, I'm-I'm not quite dead, sir. LANCELOT: Well, you shall not have been mortally wounded in vain! CONCORDE: Uh, I-I think uh, I could pull through, sir. LANCELOT: Oh, I see. CONCORDE: Actually, I think I'm all right to come with you-- LANCELOT: No, no, sweet Concorde! Stay here! I will send help as soon as I have accomplished a daring and heroic rescue in my own particular... (sigh) CONCORDE: Idiom, sir? LANCELOT: Idiom! CONCORDE: No, I feel fine, actually, sir. LANCELOT: Farewell, sweet Concorde! CONCORDE: I'll-uh, I'll just stay here, then, shall I, sir? Yeah. Scene 16 LANCELOT: Ha-ha! etc. GUARD #1: Now, you're not allowed to come in here, and we're-ugh! LANCELOT: O fair one, behold your humble servant Sir LANCELOT of Camelot. I have come to take -- oh, I'm terribly sorry. HERBERT: You got my note! LANCELOT: Uh, well, I got A note. HERBERT: You've come to rescue me! LANCELOT: Uh, well, no, you see-- HERBERT: I knew that someone would, I knew that somewhere out there... there must be... [music] ...someone... FATHER: Stop that, stop that, stop it! Stop it! Who are you? HERBERT: I'm your son! FATHER: No, not you. LANCELOT: I'm Sir LANCELOT, sir. HERBERT: He's come to rescue me, father. LANCELOT: Well, let's not jump to conclusions. FATHER: Did you kill all the guard? LANCELOT: Uh..., oh, yes. Sorry. FATHER: They cost fifty pounds each. LANCELOT: Well, I'm awfully sorry, I'm -- I really can explain everything. HERBERT: Don't be afraid of him, Sir LANCELOT, I've got a rope all ready! FATHER: You killed eight wedding guests in all! LANCELOT: Well, you see, the thing is, I thought your son was a lady. FATHER: I can understand that. HERBERT: Hurry, Sir LANCELOT! Hurry! FATHER: Shut up! You only killed the bride's father, that's all! LANCELOT: Well, I really didn't mean to... FATHER: Didn't mean to?! You put your sword right through his head! LANCELOT: Oh, dear. Is he all right? FATHER: You even kicked the bride in the chest! This is going to cost me a fortune! LANCELOT: Well, I can explain. I was in the forest, um, riding north from Camelot, when I got this note, you see-- FATHER: Camelot? Are you from, uh, Camelot? HERBERT: Hurry, Sir LANCELOT! LANCELOT: Uh, I am a Knight of King ARTHUR, sir. FATHER: Pretty nice castle, Camelot. Uh, pretty good pig country.... LANCELOT: Yes. HERBERT: Hurry, I'm ready! FATHER: Would you, uh, like to come and have a drink? LANCELOT: Well, that's, uh, awfully nice of you. HERBERT: I am ready! [start to leave] LANCELOT: --I mean to be, so understanding. [thonk] HERBERT: Oooh! LANCELOT: Um, I think when I'm in this idiom, I sometimes get a bit, uh, sort of carried away. FATHER: Oh, don't worry about that. HERBERT: Oooh! [splat] Scene 17 [wailing] FATHER: Well, this is the main hall. We're going to have all this knocked through, and made into one big, uh, living room. RANDOM: There he is! FATHER: Oh, bloody hell. LANCELOT: Ha-ha! etc. FATHER: Hold it, hold it! Please! LANCELOT: Sorry, sorry. See what I mean, I just get carried away. I really must -- sorry, sorry! Sorry, everyone. RANDOM: He's killed the best man! [yelling] FATHER: Hold it, please! Hold it! This is Sir LANCELOT from the gorge of Camelot -- a very brave and influential knight, and my special guest here today. LANCELOT: Hello. RANDOM: He killed my auntie! [yelling] FATHER: Please, please! This is supposed to be a happy occasion! Let's not bicker and argue about who killed who. We are here today to witness the union of two young people in the joyful bond of the holy wedlock. Unfortunately, one of them, my son Herbert, has just fallen to his death. But I think I've not lost a son, so much as... gained a daughter! For, since the tragic death of her father-- RANDOM: He's not quite dead! FATHER: Since the near fatal wounding of her father-- RANDOM: He's getting better! FATHER: For, since her own father... who, when he seemed about to recover, suddenly felt the icy hand of death upon him,-- [ugh] RANDOM: Oh, he's died! FATHER: And I want his only daughter to look upon me... as her own dad -- in a very real, and legally binding sense. [clapping] And I feel sure that the merger -- uh, the union -- between the Princess and the brave, but dangerous, Sir LANCELOT of Camelot-- LANCELOT: What? RANDOM: Look! The dead Prince! CONCORDE: He's not quite dead! HERBERT: Oh, I feel much better. FATHER: You fell out of the cold tower, you creep! HERBERT: No, I was saved at the last minute. FATHER: How?! HERBERT: Well, I'll tell you... [music] FATHER: Not like that! Not like that! No, stop it! SINGING: He's going to tell! He's going to tell! FATHER: Shut up! SINGING: He's going to tell! He's going to tell! He's going to tell! He's going to tell! He's going to tell! He's going to tell! He's going to tell! He's going to tell! CONCORDE: Quickly, sir! This way! LANCELOT: No, it's not in my idiom! I must escape in my own particular....(sigh) CONCORDE: Dogma, sir? LANCELOT: Dogma! Hee! Ha! [crash] Excuse me, could, uh, could somebody give me a push, please...?