Steve's 2000 Post Rave-Up Thingy

Wahay 2000 Posts, can't believe it! 2000 informative educational posteroonies, its a miracle.
I know to some members 2000 posts is only a few weeks splurge of activity, take a bow Patrick Sun, but for me its a strain on my feet....
When I accidently joined the HTF way back in April 2000 I only intended to post once and that was "Ok since I'm here which one of you twits can tell me whens them Star Wars movies out on DVD than?", which was to be followed by "How are the women round here anyway?", but something strange happened I liked the place, hmmm I can stay here awhile I thought, see how long I can last before they kick me out, well 2000 posts later and I'm still here...
And as a thank you to all the members and staff of the HTF I present The Tale of Sir Lancelot from Monty Python and the Holy Grail, enjoy.
FATHER: One day, lad, all this will be yours!
HERBERT: What, the curtains?
FATHER: No, not the curtains, lad. All that you can see!
Stretched out over the hills and valleys of this land! This'll be
your kingdom, lad!
HERBERT: But, Mother--
FATHER: Father, I'm Father.
HERBERT: But Father, I don't want any of that.
FATHER: Listen, lad. I've built this kingdom up from nothing.
When I started here, all there was was swamp. The king said I was
daft to build a castle in a swamp, but I built it all the same,
just to show 'em. It sank into the swamp. So, I built a second
one. That sank into the swamp. So I built a third one. That
burned down, fell over, then sank into the swamp. But the fourth
one stayed up. An' that's what your gonna get, lad -- the strongest
castle in these islands.
HERBERT: But I don't want any of that -- I'd rather--
FATHER: Rather what?!
HERBERT: I'd rather... just... [music] ...sing!
FATHER: Stop that, stop that! You're not going to do a song
while I'm here. Now listen lad, in twenty minutes you're getting
married to a girl whose father owns the biggest tracts of open land
in Britain.
HERBERT: But I don't want land.
FATHER: Listen, Alice...
HERBERT: Herbert.
FATHER: Herbert. We live in a bloody swamp. We need all the
land we can get.
HERBERT: But I don't like her.
FATHER: Don't like her?! What's wrong with her? She's
beautiful, she's rich, she's got huge... tracts of land.
HERBERT: I know, but I want the girl that I marry to have...
a certain... special... [music] ...something...
FATHER: Cut that out, cut that out. Look, you're marryin'
Princess Lucky, so you'd better get used to the idea. [smack]
Guards! Make sure the Prince doesn't leave this room until I come
and get 'im.
GUARD #1: Not to leave the room even if you come and get him.
GUARD #2: Hic!
FATHER: No, no. Until I come and get 'im.
GUARD #1: Until you come and get him, we're not to enter the
room.
FATHER: No, no, no. You stay in the room and make sure 'e
doesn't leave.
GUARD #1: And you'll come and get him.
GUARD #2: Hic!
FATHER: Right.
GUARD #1: We don't need to do anything, apart from just stop him
entering the room.
FATHER: No, no. Leaving the room.
GUARD #1: Leaving the room, yes.
FATHER: All right?
GUARD #1: Right. Oh, if-if-if, uh, if-if-if, uh, if-if-if we...
FATHER: Yes, what is it?
GUARD #1: Oh, if-if, oh--
FATHER: Look, it's quite simple.
GUARD #1: Uh...
FATHER: You just stay here, and make sure 'e doesn't leave the
room. All right?
GUARD #2: Hic!
FATHER: Right.
GUARD #1: Oh, I remember. Uh, can he leave the room with us?
FATHER: N- No no no. You just keep him in here, and make sure--
GUARD #1: Oh, yes, we'll keep him in here, obviously. But if he
had to leave and we were--
FATHER: No, no, just keep him in here--
GUARD #1: Until you, or anyone else,--
FATHER: No, not anyone else, just me--
GUARD #1: Just you.
GUARD #2: Hic!
FATHER: Get back.
GUARD #1: Get back.
FATHER: Right?
GUARD #1: Right, we'll stay here until you get back.
FATHER: And, uh, make sure he doesn't leave.
GUARD #1: What?
FATHER: Make sure 'e doesn't leave.
GUARD #1: The Prince?
FATHER: Yes, make sure 'e doesn't leave.
GUARD #1: Oh, yes, of course. I thought you meant him. Y'know,
it seemed a bit daft, me havin' to guard him when he's a guard.
FATHER: Is that clear?
GUARD #2: Hic!
GUARD #1: Oh, quite clear, no problems.
FATHER: Right.
[starts to leave]
Where are you going?
GUARD #1: We're coming with you.
FATHER: No no, I want you to stay 'ere and make sure 'e doesn't
leave.
GUARD #1: Oh, I see. Right.
HERBERT: But, Father!
FATHER: Shut your noise, you! And get that suit on! And no
singing!
GUARD #2: Hic!
FATHER: Oh, go get a glass of water.
Scene 15
LANCELOT: Well taken, Concorde!
CONCORDE: Thank you, sir! Most kind.
LANCELOT: And again... Over we go! Good. Steady! And now, the
big one...Ooof! Come on, Concorde!
[thwonk]
CONCORDE: Message for you, sir.
[fwump]
LANCELOT: Concorde! Concorde, speak to me! "To whoever finds
this note, I have been imprisoned by my father, who wishes me to
marry against my will. Please, please, please come and rescue me.
I am in the tall tower of Swamp Castle." At last! A call, a cry
of distress! This could be the sign that leads us to the Holy
Grail! Brave, brave Concorde! You shall not have died in vain!
CONCORDE: Uh, I'm-I'm not quite dead, sir.
LANCELOT: Well, you shall not have been mortally wounded in
vain!
CONCORDE: Uh, I-I think uh, I could pull through, sir.
LANCELOT: Oh, I see.
CONCORDE: Actually, I think I'm all right to come with you--
LANCELOT: No, no, sweet Concorde! Stay here! I will send help
as soon as I have accomplished a daring and heroic rescue in my own
particular... (sigh)
CONCORDE: Idiom, sir?
LANCELOT: Idiom!
CONCORDE: No, I feel fine, actually, sir.
LANCELOT: Farewell, sweet Concorde!
CONCORDE: I'll-uh, I'll just stay here, then, shall I, sir? Yeah.
Scene 16
LANCELOT: Ha-ha! etc.
GUARD #1: Now, you're not allowed to come in here, and we're-ugh!
LANCELOT: O fair one, behold your humble servant Sir LANCELOT
of Camelot. I have come to take -- oh, I'm terribly sorry.
HERBERT: You got my note!
LANCELOT: Uh, well, I got A note.
HERBERT: You've come to rescue me!
LANCELOT: Uh, well, no, you see--
HERBERT: I knew that someone would, I knew that somewhere out
there... there must be... [music] ...someone...
FATHER: Stop that, stop that, stop it! Stop it! Who are you?
HERBERT: I'm your son!
FATHER: No, not you.
LANCELOT: I'm Sir LANCELOT, sir.
HERBERT: He's come to rescue me, father.
LANCELOT: Well, let's not jump to conclusions.
FATHER: Did you kill all the guard?
LANCELOT: Uh..., oh, yes. Sorry.
FATHER: They cost fifty pounds each.
LANCELOT: Well, I'm awfully sorry, I'm -- I really can explain
everything.
HERBERT: Don't be afraid of him, Sir LANCELOT, I've got a rope
all ready!
FATHER: You killed eight wedding guests in all!
LANCELOT: Well, you see, the thing is, I thought your son was a
lady.
FATHER: I can understand that.
HERBERT: Hurry, Sir LANCELOT! Hurry!
FATHER: Shut up! You only killed the bride's father, that's all!
LANCELOT: Well, I really didn't mean to...
FATHER: Didn't mean to?! You put your sword right through his
head!
LANCELOT: Oh, dear. Is he all right?
FATHER: You even kicked the bride in the chest! This is going to
cost me a fortune!
LANCELOT: Well, I can explain. I was in the forest, um, riding
north from Camelot, when I got this note, you see--
FATHER: Camelot? Are you from, uh, Camelot?
HERBERT: Hurry, Sir LANCELOT!
LANCELOT: Uh, I am a Knight of King ARTHUR, sir.
FATHER: Pretty nice castle, Camelot. Uh, pretty good pig
country....
LANCELOT: Yes.
HERBERT: Hurry, I'm ready!
FATHER: Would you, uh, like to come and have a drink?
LANCELOT: Well, that's, uh, awfully nice of you.
HERBERT: I am ready!
[start to leave]
LANCELOT: --I mean to be, so understanding.
[thonk]
HERBERT: Oooh!
LANCELOT: Um, I think when I'm in this idiom, I sometimes get a
bit, uh, sort of carried away.
FATHER: Oh, don't worry about that.
HERBERT: Oooh!
[splat]
Scene 17
[wailing]
FATHER: Well, this is the main hall. We're going to have all
this knocked through, and made into one big, uh, living room.
RANDOM: There he is!
FATHER: Oh, bloody hell.
LANCELOT: Ha-ha! etc.
FATHER: Hold it, hold it! Please!
LANCELOT: Sorry, sorry. See what I mean, I just get carried
away. I really must -- sorry, sorry! Sorry, everyone.
RANDOM: He's killed the best man!
[yelling]
FATHER: Hold it, please! Hold it! This is Sir LANCELOT from
the gorge of Camelot -- a very brave and influential knight, and my
special guest here today.
LANCELOT: Hello.
RANDOM: He killed my auntie!
[yelling]
FATHER: Please, please! This is supposed to be a happy occasion!
Let's not bicker and argue about who killed who. We are here
today to witness the union of two young people in the joyful bond
of the holy wedlock. Unfortunately, one of them, my son Herbert,
has just fallen to his death. But I think I've not lost a son, so
much as... gained a daughter! For, since the tragic death of her
father--
RANDOM: He's not quite dead!
FATHER: Since the near fatal wounding of her father--
RANDOM: He's getting better!
FATHER: For, since her own father... who, when he seemed about to
recover, suddenly felt the icy hand of death upon him,--
[ugh]
RANDOM: Oh, he's died!
FATHER: And I want his only daughter to look upon me... as her
own dad -- in a very real, and legally binding sense.
[clapping]
And I feel sure that the merger -- uh, the union -- between
the Princess and the brave, but dangerous, Sir LANCELOT of
Camelot--
LANCELOT: What?
RANDOM: Look! The dead Prince!
CONCORDE: He's not quite dead!
HERBERT: Oh, I feel much better.
FATHER: You fell out of the cold tower, you creep!
HERBERT: No, I was saved at the last minute.
FATHER: How?!
HERBERT: Well, I'll tell you... [music]
FATHER: Not like that! Not like that! No, stop it!
SINGING: He's going to tell! He's going to tell!
FATHER: Shut up!
SINGING: He's going to tell! He's going to tell!
He's going to tell! He's going to tell!
He's going to tell! He's going to tell!
He's going to tell! He's going to tell!
CONCORDE: Quickly, sir! This way!
LANCELOT: No, it's not in my idiom! I must escape in my own
particular....(sigh)
CONCORDE: Dogma, sir?
LANCELOT: Dogma! Hee! Ha!
[crash]
Excuse me, could, uh, could somebody give me a push,
please...?

 

Thanks for that Jeff.
PatSun, Evil Hand is having a nap at the moment, Evil had a hand in quite a few of my After Hours and Polls posts, very handy.
SteveGon, you know "She who must be obeyed" has a French workmate that looks exactly like Emmanuelle Beart, and she is a very tasty dish indeed, and quite naughty too, hmmmmm.

 

Thanks guys.
Eric I thought a good slice of Python might be enough to bribe the mods into turning a blind eye at my occasional lapses of good taste.
And just for good measure here is more Python....
[Oh you're such a crawler Steve]
[clang] Bring out your dead!
[clang] Bring out your dead!
[clang] Bring out your dead!
[clang] Bring out your dead!
CUSTOMER: Here's one -- nine pence.
DEAD PERSON: I'm not dead!
MORTICIAN: What?
CUSTOMER: Nothing -- here's your nine pence.
DEAD PERSON: I'm not dead!
MORTICIAN: Here -- he says he's not dead!
CUSTOMER: Yes, he is.
DEAD PERSON: I'm not!
MORTICIAN: He isn't.
CUSTOMER: Well, he will be soon, he's very ill.
DEAD PERSON: I'm getting better!
CUSTOMER: No, you're not -- you'll be stone dead in a moment.
MORTICIAN: Oh, I can't take him like that -- it's against
regulations.
DEAD PERSON: I don't want to go in the cart!
CUSTOMER: Oh, don't be such a baby.
MORTICIAN: I can't take him...
DEAD PERSON: I feel fine!
CUSTOMER: Oh, do us a favor...
MORTICIAN: I can't.
CUSTOMER: Well, can you hang around a couple of minutes? He
won't be long.
MORTICIAN: Naaah, I got to go on to the Robinson's -- they've lost nine today.
CUSTOMER: Well, when is your next round?
MORTICIAN: Thursday.
DEAD PERSON: I think I'll go for a walk.
CUSTOMER: You're not fooling anyone y'know. Look, isn't there something you can do?
DEAD PERSON: I feel happy... I feel happy...
[whop]
CUSTOMER: Ah, thanks very much.
MORTICIAN: Not at all. See you on Thursday.
CUSTOMER: Right.
[clop clop]
MORTICIAN: Who's that then?
CUSTOMER: I don't know.
MORTICIAN: Must be a king.
CUSTOMER: Why?
MORTICIAN: He hasn't got shit all over him.
Scene3.
ARTHUR: Old woman!
DENNIS: Man!
ARTHUR: Man, sorry. What knight lives in that castle over there?
DENNIS: I'm thirty seven.
ARTHUR: What?
DENNIS: I'm thirty seven -- I'm not old!
ARTHUR: Well, I can't just call you `Man'.
DENNIS: Well, you could say `Dennis'.
ARTHUR: Well, I didn't know you were called `Dennis.'
DENNIS: Well, you didn't bother to find out, did you?
ARTHUR: I did say sorry about the `old woman,' but from the
behind you looked--
DENNIS: What I object to is you automatically treat me like an inferior!
ARTHUR: Well, I AM king...
DENNIS: Oh king, eh, very nice. An' how'd you get that, eh? By exploitin' the workers -- by 'angin' on to outdated imperialist dogma which perpetuates the economic an' social differences in our society! If there's ever going to be any progress--
WOMAN: Dennis, there's some lovely filth down here. Oh -- how d'you do?
ARTHUR: How do you do, good lady. I am ARTHUR, King of the
Britons. Who's castle is that?
WOMAN: King of the who?
ARTHUR: The Britons.
WOMAN: Who are the Britons?
ARTHUR: Well, we all are. we're all Britons and I am your king.
WOMAN: I didn't know we had a king. I thought we were an
autonomous collective.
DENNIS: You're fooling yourself. We're living in a dictatorship. A self-perpetuating autocracy in which the working classes--
WOMAN: Oh there you go, bringing class into it again.
DENNIS: That's what it's all about if only people would--
ARTHUR: Please, please good people. I am in haste. Who lives in that castle?
WOMAN: No one live there.
ARTHUR: Then who is your lord?
WOMAN: We don't have a lord.
ARTHUR: What?
DENNIS: I told you. We're an anarcho-syndicalist commune. We
take it in turns to act as a sort of executive officer for the week.
ARTHUR: Yes.
DENNIS: But all the decision of that officer have to be ratified at a special biweekly meeting.
ARTHUR: Yes, I see.
DENNIS: By a simple majority in the case of purely internal
affairs,--
ARTHUR: Be quiet!
DENNIS: --but by a two-thirds majority in the case of more--
ARTHUR: Be quiet! I order you to be quiet!
WOMAN: Order, eh -- who does he think he is?
ARTHUR: I am your king!
WOMAN: Well, I didn't vote for you.
ARTHUR: You don't vote for kings.
WOMAN: Well, 'ow did you become king then?
ARTHUR: The Lady of the Lake, [angels sing] her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite, held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of the water signifying by Divine Providence that I, Arthur, was to carry Excalibur. [singing stops] That is why I am your king!
DENNIS: Listen -- strange women lying in ponds distributing
swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.
ARTHUR: Be quiet!
DENNIS: Well you can't expect to wield supreme executive power just 'cause some watery tart threw a sword at you!
ARTHUR: Shut up!
DENNIS: I mean, if I went around sayin' I was an emperor just because some moistened bint had lobbed a scimitar at me they'd put me away!
ARTHUR: Shut up! Will you shut up!
DENNIS: Ah, now we see the violence inherent in the system.
ARTHUR: Shut up!
DENNIS: Oh! Come and see the violence inherent in the system! HELP! HELP! I'm being repressed!
ARTHUR: Bloody peasant!
DENNIS: Oh, what a give away. Did you hear that, did you hear that, eh? That's what I'm on about -- did you see him repressing me, you saw it didn't you?

 

Actually this whole thread was an excuse to post chunks of Monty Python, the 2000 post rave-up thingy is pretty meaningless ...like all my posts!
JUDEA A.D.33 SATURDAY AFTERNOON ABOUT TEA TIME
JESUS: How blessed are the sorrowful; they shall find consolation. How blessed are those of gentle spirit; they shall have the earth for their possession. How blessed are those who hunger, and thirst to see right prevail; They shall be satisfied...
BRIAN'S MUM: Speak up!
BRIAN: Sshhh. Quiet mum.
BRIAN'S MUM: Well I can't hear a thing. Let's go to the stoning.
BIGNOSE: Sshhh!
BRIAN: You can go to the stoning any time.
BRIAN'S MUM: Oh come on Brian.
BIGNOSE: Will you be quiet!
BIGNOSE'S WIFE: Don't pick yer nose.
BIGNOSE: I wasn't picking it!
BIGNOSE'S WIFE: You was picking it... while you was talking to that lady.
BIGNOSE: I wasn't.
BIGNOSE'S WIFE: Leave it alone. Give it a rest.
MAN: Do you mind? I can't hear a word he's saying.
BIGNOSE'S WIFE: Don't you 'Do you mind' me. I was talking to my husband.
MAN: Well go and talk to him somewhere else... I can't hear a bloody thing.
BIGNOSE: Don't you swear at my wife.
MAN: I was only asking her to shut up so I could hear what he was saying, Bignose.
BIGNOSE'S WIFE: Don't you call my husband Bignose.
MAN: Well he has got a big nose.
JEW: Could you be quiet please? What was that?
MAN: I don't know... I was too busy talking to bignose.
MAN: I think it was 'Blessed are the cheese-makers'.
JEW'S WIFE: Ah. What's so special about the cheese-makers?
JEW: Well obviously it's not meant to be taken literally, it refers to any manufacturers of dairy products.
MAN: See. If you hadn't been going on, we'd have heard that, Bignose.
BIGNOSE: Hey. Say that once more, I'll smash your bloody face in.
MAN: Better keep listening. There might be a bit about blessed are the bignoses.
BRIAN: Oh lay off him.
MAN: Well you're not so bad yourself, conk-face. Where are you two from? Nose city?
BIGNOSE: One more time, mate. I'll take you to the fuckin' cleaners.
BIGNOSE'S WIFE: Language... and don't pick your nose.
BIGNOSE: I wasn't going to pick my nose, I was going to thump him.
MAN: Hear that? Blessed are the Greek.
JEW: The Greek?
MAN: Well apparently, he's going to inherit the earth.
JEW: Did anyone catch his name?
BIGNOSE'S WIFE: You're not going to thump anybody.
BIGNOSE: I'll thump him if he calls me bignose again.
MAN: Oh shut up Bignose.
BIGNOSE: Ah. All right. I warned you. I really will slug you so hard...
BIGNOSE'S WIFE: Oh it's the Meek! Blessed are the meek! Oh that's nice isn't it. I'm glad they're getting something 'cause they have a hell of a time.
MAN: Listen. I'm only telling the truth... you have got a very big nose.
BIGNOSE: Hey. Your nose is gonna be 3ft wide across your face by the time I've finished with you.
JEW: Sshhh.
MAN: Who hit yours then? Goliath's big brother?
BIGNOSE: Oh. Right. That's your last warning
JEW'S WIFE: Oh do pipe down. [She suddenly gets punched in the face by Bignose!!] OOOH!
[A fight breaks out]
BRIAN'S MUM: Oh come on...let's go to the stoning....
[Edited last by Steve Christou on November 05, 2001 at 05:21 PM]

 

You guys are too kind really, erm did I mention I like Monty Python?
CROWD: A witch! A witch! A witch! We've got a witch! A witch!
VILLAGER #1: We have found a witch, may we burn her?
CROWD: Burn her! Burn!
BEDEVERE: How do you know she is a witch?
VILLAGER #2: She looks like one.
BEDEVERE: Bring her forward.
WITCH: I'm not a witch. I'm not a witch.
BEDEVERE: But you are dressed as one.
WITCH: They dressed me up like this.
CROWD: No, we didn't -- no.
WITCH: And this isn't my nose, it's a false one.
BEDEVERE: Well?
VILLAGER #1: Well, we did do the nose.
BEDEVERE: The nose?
VILLAGER #1: And the hat -- but she is a witch!
CROWD: Burn her! Witch! Witch! Burn her!
BEDEVERE: Did you dress her up like this?
CROWD: No, no... no ... yes. Yes, yes, a bit, a bit.
VILLAGER #1: She has got a wart.
BEDEVERE: What makes you think she is a witch?
VILLAGER #3: Well, she turned me into a newt!
BEDEVERE: A newt?
VILLAGER #3: .....I got better.
VILLAGER #2: Burn her anyway!
CROWD: Burn! Burn her!
BEDEVERE: Quiet, quiet. Quiet! There are ways of telling whether she is a witch.
CROWD: Are there? What are they?
BEDEVERE: Tell me, what do you do with witches?
VILLAGER #2: Burn!
CROWD: Burn, burn them up!
BEDEVERE: And what do you burn apart from witches?
VILLAGER #1: More witches!
VILLAGER #2: Wood!
BEDEVERE: So, why do witches burn?
[pause]
VILLAGER #3: B'... 'cause they're made of wood...?
BEDEVERE: Good!
CROWD: Oh yeah, yeah...
BEDEVERE: So, how do we tell whether she is made of wood?
VILLAGER #1: Build a bridge out of her.
BEDEVERE: Aah, but can you not also build bridges out of stone?
VILLAGER #2: Oh, yeah.
BEDEVERE: Does wood sink in water?
VILLAGER #1: No, no.
VILLAGER #2: It floats! It floats!
VILLAGER #1: Throw her into the pond!
CROWD: The pond!
BEDEVERE: What also floats in water?
VILLAGER #1: Bread!
VILLAGER #2: Apples!
VILLAGER #3: Very small rocks!
VILLAGER #1: Cider!
VILLAGER #2: Great gravy!
VILLAGER #1: Cherries!
VILLAGER #2: Mud!
VILLAGER #3: Churches -- churches!
VILLAGER #2: Lead -- lead!
ARTHUR: A duck!.
CROWD: Ooooh!.
BEDEVERE: Exactly! So, logically...,
VILLAGER #1: If... she.. weighs the same as a duck, she's made of wood.
BEDEVERE: And therefore--?
VILLAGER #1: A witch!
BEDEVERE: We shall use my largest scales!
[yelling]
BEDEVERE: Right, remove the supports!
[whop]
[creak]
CROWD: A witch! A witch!
WITCH: It's a fair cop.
CROWD: Burn her! Burn her!
THIS POST DEDICATED TO MY BABY SANDRA.