Stay at home spouse/SO. (1 Viewer)

[AllanN]

I’m curious how many members are stay at home Mom/Dad or there spouse or significant other stays at home? My curiosity peaked me after reading this thread another thread, but did not want to bring up a general discussion there.

I know ill want to work because that is just in my personality. My only request of my future wife is that she stays home with our kids before they are school age so long as my income can support us. Before we have kids or after they are in school she can do whatever she wants. If she has a job then we can split the chores accordingly. We would split bills, investment, and recreation expenses up between us proportionally trying to make sure our core expenses can be paid by either of us individually. If she wants to stay home then I would expect her to do a larger share of household chores and cooking instead of sitting around or going out all day. I would still contribute a significant amount of effort in helping her so we can both have our own personal time and so we can spend time together.

Does your spouse or significant other stay at home? Take care of the kinds? Work?

Please try and keep religious or political views from this thread. I’m looking for personal opinions. If your opinions are based on religious or political views that is fine but keep it out of this thread.

 

[Paul Jenkins]

My wife is an attorney and we were a 'typical' 2 career household with 2 kids for a while. After buying our house, cars and dog but keeping the kids in day care all day while we worked, we did a little soul-searching and decided that one of us should stay home more with the kids. The oldest was in grade school while the youngest was 4. We just thought one of us should take the effort to be with the kids more while they still were young enough to want to be around us
So, we decided that my wife would stay at home with the kids, at least until they were a bit older. Now, they are 9 and 6, the youngest about to start first grade. The wife works a few hours a week at home on low-key lawyer work (wills, estates/trusts, corporate formations, stock option agreements, etc.) but is always around for the kids. As they get older, she will most likely work a little more while they are in school.
Long story, sorry for the length, but we came to a decision that ONE of us had to stay with the kids rather than let daycare raise them most of the time. Also, our decision to have HER stay home was a financial and 'motherly' decision, i.e. she wanted to stay home and be a 'mom' for a couple of years.
No regrets on either of our part, it is working out well (of course, we have less $ than before, so it is tighter living!)

 

[Stacie]

My husband and I don't have any kids (yet), but he would love to be a stay-at-home dad if we could afford it. Unfortunately, I'm not sure we'll be able to, unless one of us starts doing something much more lucrative.

Allan, many women will be willing to compromise on this point, but have you considered what you would do if the woman you end up with is just as dedicated to her career and/or working as you are? I'm like you, I can't imagine not working (a lot of my self-worth is tied up in the work I do, and having grown up happy but relatively poor, I have a thing about self-sufficiency). Because I feel that way, I would never dream of asking my husband to stay home if he didn't think he wanted to.

 

[AllanN]

but have you considered what you would do if the woman you end up with is just as dedicated to her career and/or working as you are?

I have though about it to the point that ill cross that bridge when I get there. If I do. Im usually not attracted to women who are like me. I like to be with someone that we complement each other. Also having her stay at home is real important to me so that would probably be brought up long before marriage. But if I am in love with someone and they really want a career we will work something out.

 

[Ron-P]

My wife has been a stay at home mom ever since our daughter was born. She did try to work weekends for a short time, but that left us with no family time (I work M-F) so that stopped.
She will continue to be a stay at home mom as long as possible.
We decided that when we start having kids we would not pay someone else to raise them, so we adjusted our budget to fit a single income.
Peace Out~

 

[Chris Rosene]

Ditto what Ron-P said.
It took some sacrafices (I sold my '70 Corvette :frowning: ), but I know that my kids are getting the best possible care and attention - which is priceless. We do without some things that a lot of our 2 income neighbors have, but we still have a lot to be thankful for.

 

[felix_suwarno]

my wife is practically a housewife. she does everything a housewife does, and she is damn good at that. she should get a "masters degree on housewifing".

 

[Dan Joy]

Allan,
We moved from Chicago to Tulsa 7 years ago because my wife received a great opportunity with her company. A couple months later we were surprised with the announcement of our first child. Our neighbor (stat at home mom) took care of our son after my wife went back to work. We both agreed that us working full time and someone else raising our child was not what we wanted to do. Well seeing that we moved down here for my wife's job and (if we wanted to move back to Chicago a corporate move was the only way), I am a nurse with flexible hour potential, and that my wife made considerably more than me, I quit my job and became a stay at home dad(that's a whole other issue ) We are very happy and now have a second child. We are both on the same page in that we want to raise our children our way and spend as much quality time as possible. I still work as a nurse part-time two nights a week and a double shift every other Saturday. It brings in extra income, allows me to talk to adults, and keeps my field current when I will be able to go full-time when both kids are school age.
Prior to the baby, my wife thought that she would be ok being corporate mom, but after the birth of our son, maternal feelings took over. She would much rather be home with the children than working, but for the above reasons we have kept it this way and it works out quite well.
So all I can say is that times, children, and feelings all change as we get over and than communication is key to compromise for whats best for all involved.

 

[Craig Robertson]

i work (from home) and my wife is a stay at home mom for our 5 sons. when our youngest (18 months) gets to be in school, my wife will probably pick up some shifts. the oldest will be gone in the fall, off to college.

 

[Jim_C]

Well, my wife and I each work one day a week from home and our son is in day care for the other three days.

This will change in the near future as my wife, who is a physicist/EE, has just been offered a faculty position in the mechanical engineering department at MIT (I'm damned proud of her!). Unfortunately, this means that she will need to be at MIT 5 days a week when she starts teaching so either I'll have to pick up the extra day or we'll have to get another day of day care for Adam. The reason we didn't put him in day care 5 days a week is because we don't want to have someone else raise him. My job allows me to work from home 1 day but I don't know if I could get away with 2.

When we have another kid it will really hit the fan. It's very likely that one of us will end up staying home for some number of years. That 'one' of us is me because mechanical engineering pays a hell of a lot more than an architect makes. I don't know how I feel about this. I want to be deeply involved in raising my children but I didn't spend all that time and money on an education to lose the prime years for advancement within my firm. It's going to be tough but my children will always come first.

 

[Denward]

My wife is a radiologist and was averaging 60-70 hours/week of being a doctor plus time at home doing her part in running the business of a physician group practice. We have a 7 month old daughter (Sarah) now and she really felt like she was missing out on Sarah's childhood. She went to her partners and tried to negotiate an 80% schedule for 80% of the pay and they said "No". So she found a "part-time" job with another group which will "only" be ~45 hours/week (each week is 3 ten hour days, 2 five hour days, plus one weekend per month). It's been somewhat traumatic for her as she has always been a high achiever and her self-worth was also strongly tied into her career and being self-sufficient. (This has a lot to do with the fact that her father died when she was young and her mother was not economically self-sufficient.) She's definitely taken a step backward in her career and she's just coming to grips with her re-adjusted priorities. In fact her last day at her old job was this past Saturday and she's on a 6 week hiatus before her new job starts.

This has been a struggle (and I mean that in the most positive way) in our 16 year marriage. We're both in our late 30s now and if (and that's a big IF) it had been totally up to me, we would have had children long ago. However, I never wanted to coerce her into having children. The worst situation would have been for me to have somehow forced her into it, and then have her resent me and the child for having put the crimp in her career. I let her know about my wishes, but waited until she was ready to take the plunge.

I make a good salary, but my wife did and will continue to make a lot more than I do. I had offered to put my career on hold and be the stay-at-home dad, but for now we didn't think it was good for her to continue working like a dog while Sarah spent all her time with me. This is a very common situation for other physician's (and other) families, and I feel sorry for the parent who misses out on his/her children.

We feel that our new situation will allow both of us to maintain some balance in our lives. We are fortunate enough to be able to afford a nanny who comes to our house every weekday. The nanny obviously plays a big role in Sarah's upbringing and there certainly are times when I'm envious of the time that the nanny spends with Sarah. However, I think this is the solution that works best for us now.

If you're still reading, I'm sorry for the long winded answer. I think the moral of my story is that there can be a lot of emotional baggage (fear, self-worth, guilt, etc.) associated with asking someone to change their life's priorities. You may have a blueprint for how you want your life to work out, but don't forget that there's another living, breathing human being that needs to wholeheartedly buy into the plan. Of course, the blueprint will probably undergo some serious revision before you're done.

 

[Matthew Todd]

My wife stays at home with our one child (7 weeks old tomorrow!). My wife is a college graduate, but prefers to stay at home, so that's what she gets to do.

When I can afford to, I would love to join her there too (We'd love to work from home together running our own business)

Matt

 

[JohnAD]

Allan:
I'd love to stay at home to take care of the kids (when we have them), and let my wife support us. Unfortunately, I make a lot more than she does, so I don't think that would be practical :frowning:.
John.

 

[Jack Briggs]

It's just so sad that this generally decent, sexism-free discussion was inspired by so Neanderthal a thread as the one linked in Allan's initial post. I first saw it this morning, and I was ashamed.

So, don't let that thread guide you here.

 

[Stacie]

Denward, thanks for the post. We're struggling with a lot of the same issues as we try to decide whether and when to have children. It's helpful to hear about how people have solved these problems.

Stacie

 

[Dave Morton]

We have 2 kids at home, 19 months and 1 month. My wife stays home with the kids. She would love to go back to work but she knows that it is best for her to stay home and raise them. It was a big shock for her to stay at home. When they get old enough she will go back to work. She's a CPA so it shouldn't be difficult.

We knew she was going to stay home when we had kids, so when we were looking for a house five years ago, we decided to buy one that would allow us to live on one income comfortably.

 

[Todd Hochard]

Lessee if I can drag it down, Jack.

We decided that when we start having kids we would not pay someone else to raise them, so we adjusted our budget to fit a single income.

That's the crux of it, for me (us). My wife and I are both on the same page on this, so that helps. In fact, if we weren't (let's say, for instance, I wanted two incomes after-kids, but she wanted to stay home), I would question why you would get married in the first place. This isn't one of those cap-on-the-toothpaste or lid-down things- this is a lifestyle-divorce level deal breaker, IMO.
My wife (formerly a media buyer) stays home with our daughter (14 months), and will likely stay home with any more children we have, so long as we don't get into a house-losing money crunch (the likelihood of which is small, at this point).
Todd

 

[KyleS]

First I would have absolutely no problem staying at home to take care of our kids. For awhile my wife was thinking of becoming a Doctor like her father and I told her that I would be more then happy to stay at home when we had kids so that she could continue her career. Now we both work, her graveyard, and me during the day. We dont get to see each other too much during the week just on the weekends but we know also that our kids are getting the best care possible with no neglect.
Allen one statement you made

If she wants to stay home then I would expect her to do a larger share of household chores and cooking instead of sitting around or going out all day

Wait till you have kids and you wont think she is just sitting around or going out all the time. Taking care of just 1 child all day long is 3-4 times the work that most people do each day. Its not only physically hard but mentally very tough. When I come home at 5pm and then take care of our child so my wife can sleep its much harder then the previous 8 hours I spent at work because it take 100% of your attention to do it. I have to give a huge to anyone that stays at home full time with the kids as I know its harder then any job someone could do away from the home. Its not a 60-80 hour per week job but a 24x7 365 job. We are hoping that sometime in the near future we can get my wife to stay home full time when we have 2-3 kids and we will live off my income till they are all in school. Sacrafices and then more sacrafices to give your children the best.
KyleS

 

[AllanN]

Thank you Jack for that comment. I knew trying to post this in that neanderthalific (I know that is not a real word ) thread would be a complete waste of time as it was in a downward spiral. Now that it has gained momentum ill remove that link to the old one so that it can die off.
I would not mind staying home with my kids. Especially if my future wife made more than I did. But I believe that women have more of a motherly instinct than men do. And to a small extent I think its the man's job to be the "breadwinner" probably because my mom was a stay at home mom until I started school. My mom started working again when I was in school. Id take a buss to a babysitter for a few hours after school till either my mom or dad could pick me up. Over the summer id either stay at a babysitter. Or with my grandparents. The babysitter I went to was really cool, she took care of a bunch of kid in her family's large farmhouse. There where allot of kids my age there and always something to do.

Wait till you have kids and you wont think she is just sitting around or going out all the time.

Oh I know my two aunts had kids late in life when I was old enough to understand what child raising consists of. In fact my kids and my younger aunts future kids might be around the same age. But if my wife wants to stay home before we have kids she can. Although I would be a little upset if all she did was sit around or go out shopping or whatever.

 

[Denward]

AllanN wrote: While there are typically more stay at home moms than dads, don't let the characteristics of a group determine what's right for you. I think some men (not necessarily you, Allan) who have these beliefs use it as an excuse to shirk their parental duties. They feel that bringing home the paycheck fulfills their primary parental function, and that any time or emotion invested in the kids is somehow above and beyond the call of duty.

One of my pet peeves is fathers who say they 'babysit' their kids. To me, that betrays a feeling that they're just filling in until the real parent (i.e. mom) gets back. It's like those JCPenney commercials where the kid is making a mess at home and dad's only response is, "Where's your mother?" I just want to scream at the TV, "Dad, clean up the f*&^%ing mess and play with your kid!!!"

When you have kids, jump in with both feet and love 'em with everything you've got.