Spoof Commentaries Greatest Hits Vol.1

Discussion in 'Archived Threads 2001-2004' started by Steve Christou, Jan 27, 2002.

  1. Steve Christou

    Steve Christou Long Member

    Apr 25, 2000
    Likes Received:
    London, England
    Real Name:
    Steve Christou
    I'm feeling lazy so I thought I'd repost some spoof commentaries from last year.

    I think they still make enjoyable reading, if I get any new ones I'll post 'em.



    JOEL SCHUMACHER: Hello I’m Joel Schumacher director of Batman & Robin.

    GEORGE CLOONEY: And I’m George Clooney, I played Batman in the film.

    CHRIS O’DONNELL: And I’m Chris o’Donnell, the Boy Wonder.

    JOEL SCHUMACHER: Hahahaha.

    AKIVA GOLDSMAN: And I’m Akiva Goldsman, the screenwriter, I also wrote Lost in Space and Deep Blue Sea.

    JOEL SCHUMACHER: Ok now this is an exciting shot.

    GEORGE CLOONEY: Now these asses aren’t our asses are they Joel?

    JOEL SCHUMACHER: No, no these are stunt asses George.

    GEORGE CLOONEY: These shots were originally much longer, right Joel?

    JOEL SCHUMACHER: Yes the ass shots originally lasted 40mins...

    GEORGE CLOONEY: I remember seeing the dailies, I couldn’t stop weeping...

    JOEL SCHUMACHER: Hey listen to this bit, “This is why Superman works alone”, haha, that line never fails to get a huge laugh at my house.

    AKIVA GOLDSMAN: I love that line, it’s not the original line you know. Originally Batman was going to say “I’m too old for this shit”, but I like this Superman line better.

    JOEL SCHUMACHER: It’s timeless.

    JOEL SCHUMACHER: Oh ok, here is one of my favorite scenes, the hockey punks, Arnold, and Batman surfing down a dinosaurs back, oddly this scene sounded really stupid in the script.

    AKIVA GOLDSMAN: I’d like to think my scripts make the stupid seem plausible.

    JOEL SCHUMACHER: I deliberately filmed this scene in a way to make it incomprehensible. I think its more fun for the audience to guess whats going on. Great great scene.

    GEORGE CLOONEY: Isn’t it funny how perceptions can differ, I mean when I saw this ice hockey scene, I got this terrible feeling in my stomach that didn’t go away for a year.

    CHRIS O’DONNELL: I love this scene coming up.

    JOEL SCHUMACHER: Yes yes here it comes.....

    CHRIS O’DONNELL: Beautiful man, its so cool....

    JOEL SCHUMACHER: It’s great isn’t it. I mean why wouldn’t Batman & Robin have ice skates that spring release from their boots. Gotham gets cold too doesn’t it?

    AKIVA GOLDSMAN: It’s this sort of thing that makes movies cool.

    CHRIS O’DONNELL: Why kids and adults stayed away from this film like the plague I have no idea.

    JOEL SCHUMACHER: You’re right Chris, kids hated the movie.

    AKIVA GOLDSMAN: Adults too! Don’t forget adults.

    JOEL SCHUMACHER: My own mother wouldn’t talk to me for a year.

    AKIVA GOLDSMAN: My nephew came to my house and kicked the shit out of me.

    CHRIS O’DONNELL: My agent changed her number, hahaha.

    JOEL SCHUMACHER: My agent changed his name, hahaha.

    JOEL SCHUMACHER: George, you’re awfully quiet, you hated this movie as much as the general population didn’t you?

    GEORGE CLOONEY: mmmm? Oh yes, I donated my salary to the homeless because it made me physically sick that I profited from it, I couldn’t eat, and I didn’t get out of bed for three weeks.

    JOEL SCHUMACHER: Hahaha, hey remember how Arnold kept talking about his motivation and how he was creating a character, hahaha.

    CHRIS O’DONNELL: Hahaha I remember that, I thought he was kidding at first.

    CHRIS O’DONNELL: Hey Joel you took a lot of heat for casting Alicia Silverstone, remember?

    JOEL SCHUMACHER: Absolutely, but you know, I felt she had a certain.....

    CHRIS O’DONNELL: Vacant quality?

    GEORGE CLOONEY: Fleeting popularity?

    CHRIS O’DONNELL: Sweater filling volume?

    GEORGE CLOONEY: Inability to deliver even this tepid material?

    JOEL SCHUMACHER: She was a real trooper. Ooooh! Coming up is the great bit where Uma Thurman turns into a plant or something!

    GEORGE CLOONEY: Chris can I borrow your pocket knife?



    L.Ron Hubbard:

    Hello this is the voice of L.Ron Hubbard author of Battlefield Earth and founder of the Church of Scientology.

    If you’re listening to this than I’m already dead.

    I've recorded this in case I wasn’t around when my book was filmed.

    Joining me is Scientology’s favorite son and star of the film... Tom Cruise!!

    John Travolta:

    Haha, I’m actually John Travolta, and I play the lead villain Terl, one of the evil alien Psychlos, who....

    L.Ron Hubbard:

    Thanks Tom! Battlefield Earth depicts a world that has been under alien control for a thousand years.

    John Travolta:

    Look did anyone actually listen to this tape before we...

    L.Ron Hubbard:

    Hahaha great story Tom, can you describe the scene you are watching now...

    John Travolta:

    erm, humans have become cave dwellers with only deeply buried memories of how things were, here we are...

    L.Ron Hubbard:

    An interesting point Tom, tell us a bit about the actors, we lined up a pretty awesome cast right?

    John Travolta:

    Uh.... my wife Kelly is in it and Barry Pepper...

    L.Ron Hubbard:

    Woah stop, Tom! That’s quite a list...

    John Travolta:

    And also...

    L.Ron Hubbard:

    And i can guess who the director is....

    John Travolta:

    Roger Christian, he was...

    L.Ron Hubbard:

    Wow, a great great director, what was it like having someone of his stature directing you Tom, he is something of a perfectionist isn’t he?

    John Travolta:

    Can someone stop that tape please?!

    L.Ron Hubbard:

    This is a huge step up from Top Gun eh Tom?

    John Travolta:

    That’s it I’m outta here!

    L.Ron Hubbard:

    Thank you Tom, what was our opening weekend gross by the way?


    L.Ron Hubbard:

    That much? Thats amazing, and how many awards did we win in the end?
  2. Steve Christou

    Steve Christou Long Member

    Apr 25, 2000
    Likes Received:
    London, England
    Real Name:
    Steve Christou

    BEN KINGSLEY: Hello I’m Ben Kingsley and you’re watching Sexy Beast, a very different kind of gangster movie.

    In this scene out in the mediterranean sunshine, I’m telling Ray Winstone he has to come back to England for a heist.

    RAY WINSTONE: This is where we see how barmy your character is, innit Ben?

    BEN KINGSLEY: Yes and I saw this as an opportunity to challenge public perceptions of me as an actor, I’ve been associated with just one role for a very long time.

    RAY WINSTONE: No more passive resistance eh Gandhi?

    BEN KINGSLEY: Thank you Raymond. Very droll.

    RAY WINSTONE: Shooting this scene was the fucking highlight for me. Getting to go head to head with an actor of your stature, Ben. You truly are the fucking daddy of great actors!

    BEN KINGSLEY: Ha ha. Charming.... what I found particularly challenging was playing a character that was so obviously beneath me. What impressed me about you Ray is how utterly you came to inhabit your character. Even between takes you presented yourself as a working class lout, and I couldn’t tell where you ended and the character began.

    RAY WINSTONE: You fucking what?

    BEN KINGSLEY: You see thats it. That tough aggresive tone, that posture, even now you can just switch back into it, its amazing!

    RAY WINSTONE: What the fuck are you talking about Kingsley?

    BEN KINGSLEY: Your act ... you know ...playing an unpleasant degenerate... ooh I like this scene coming up.

    RAY WINSTONE: Those are my fucking ‘ackney roots you’re talking about there Gandhi, you wanna fuckin’ watch yourself boy.

    BEN KINGSLEY: Ah well, I did think it was odd that you seemed to play such similar characters in all your movies.

    RAY WINSTONE: Shut it Mahatma!

    BEN KINGSLEY: Don’t push me Winstone or I’ll take that bottle of Holsten Pils and show you who really is The Daddy!

    RAY WINSTONE: You and whose fuckin’ army skinny boy? You don’t wanna mess ...oh fuck forget it. I can’t fight bleedin’ Gandhi!

    BEN KINGSLEY: I am NOT Gandhi!!

    RAY WINSTONE: Yeah yeah. Look lets put all this behind us alright Ben?

    BEN KINGSLEY: Fine, just don’t mention that bloody movie again.

    RAY WINSTONE: Ok deal. So fancy going for an Indian later?

    BEN KINGSLEY: Right Winstone, that does it........

    RAY WINSTONE: Only messing with ya Ben, now where’s Mahatma coat my scarf?

    BEN KINGSLEY: You shit!



    GEORGE LUCAS: Hello I’m George Lucas director of Star Wars Episode I -The Phantom Menace.

    EWAN McGREGOR: I’m Ewan McGregor, I play the young Obi-Wan Kenobi, the role made famous by the late great Alec Guinness.

    LIAM NEESON: I’m Liam Neeson, I play a Jedi Knight, can’t remember the name.

    GEORGE LUCAS: Qui-Gon Jinn.

    LIAM NEESON: Thanks George.

    NATALIE PORTMAN: I’m Natalie Portman, I play Queen Amidala in the movie.

    LIAM NEESON: George this opening shot...

    GEORGE LUCAS: Looks great don’t it? Like it really was filmed in outer space.

    LIAM NEESON: I know but its not as impressive as the previous opening shots in Star Wars, whats with these oddball aliens and the terrible accents?

    GEORGE LUCAS: Erm look at these effects here guys wow!

    JAKE LLOYD: Shit, I could do with a beer right now.

    GEORGE LUCAS: Gaaaah!! Who’s that?

    NATALIE PORTMAN: Thats little Jake LLoyd, George don’t you remember? He played the adorable little future mass murderer Anakin Skywalker.

    GEORGE LUCAS: Good God, someone upgraded him.

    JAKE LLOYD: Can I bum a smoke, anyone?

    GEORGE LUCAS: Everyone quick look you’re missing these gorgeous effects.

    AHMED BEST: Willi-Wacka-Wambo! Scoodily Doodily Doo Doo!

    GEORGE LUCAS: Hahahahaha!

    AHMED BEST: I’m Ahmed Best, I play Jar-Jar Binks, George loves it when I talk, it doesn’t even matter what I say, woogily-woogily wee-wee.

    GEORGE LUCAS: Hahaha stop it you’re killing me!

    JAKE LLOYD: Can I be in the next one George?

    GEORGE LUCAS: No, in fact I’m talking to ILM about taking you out of this one!

    A FAN: This is the worst movie ever!

    GEORGE LUCAS: What? How did you get in here?

    A FAN: You destroyed my innocence.

    LIAM NEESON: Now that’s a bit overstated...

    A FAN: The cherished memories of the original Star Wars movies that made my life worth living has been tarnished by this unholy abomination.

    NATALIE PORTMAN: It’s not even that bad a movie.

    EWAN McGREGOR: It’s better than those stupid Ewoks for fucks sake!

    LIAM NEESON: And the fight at the end was top notch!

    GEORGE LUCAS: The music, set design, costumes and special effects were all stunning!

    AHMED BEST: Woogily woggily wa...

    GEORGE LUCAS: Oh shut up Ahmed!

    NATALIE PORTMAN: I watched the original trilogy a few weeks ago, at least we can act.

    A FAN: Curse you George Lucas! I hate you with every ounce of my broken and disillusioned spirit! Midichlorians? What the hell, stinking, vile, pus-filled orifice did you pull that out of? You poisonous evil, rancid, wretched.....

    GEORGE LUCAS: Darth Maul returns in Episode II.

    A FAN: I just wet my pants.
  3. Steve Christou

    Steve Christou Long Member

    Apr 25, 2000
    Likes Received:
    London, England
    Real Name:
    Steve Christou

    BILL MURRAY: Hello and welcome to the Charlie’s Angels commentary.

    I’m Bill Murray and I play Bosley. Drew, Cameron and Lucy had to be recorded separately because of their conflicting schedules, so we’ve edited their remarks into one seamless commentary.

    It was a process I was happy to oversee personally as a sign of my gratitude to the girls.

    DREW BARRYMORE: ...we really enjoyed shooting this scene because its the first scene where you see the three of us...

    LUCY LIU ...and in this scene you see Cameron bringing in these little cakes, these delicious...

    CAMERON DIAZ: ...boobs, but we reshot it. One of my favorite scenes was just before this when I dance in my ...

    DREW BARRYMORE: ...all together. Oh look at Cameron, she’s so beautiful, she really glows, and she just loves jiggling her...

    LUCY LIU ...muffins, they looked nice, but I couldn’t eat them, and I had to wear all the tight leather...

    CAMERON DIAZ: ...underwear, here is Drew, I love looking at her...

    DREW BARRYMORE: ...ass. I was so in awe of Cameron I wanted to sneak into her trailer, so I could sniff her....

    LUCY LIU ...outfits. Walking around in tight leather trousers just made me...

    CAMERON DIAZ: ...smile. We had a great time between takes discussing the really big issues, like politics and...

    DREW BARRYMORE: ...shampoo. This scene was great to film, the guys enjoyed seeing us...

    LUCY LIU ...hot and sweaty. And there were times though when I thought I was....

    CAMERON DIAZ: ...God. But we never forgot that our film was about three girls who...

    DREW BARRYMORE: ...kick ass. There were times when all three of us would sit on a couch and say a little prayer, our eyes shut, and they’d put their hands...

    LUCY LIU: ...in the wrong place. But talking to Cameron and Drew helped me...

    CAMERON DIAZ: ...beat the crap out of people. I love taking things...

    DREW BARRYMORE: ...in my hands and squeeze. Showing off our sexy bodies made us...

    LUCY LIU ...feel very comfortable, and ofcourse watching guys...

    CAMERON DIAZ: ...as they come, what its all about, isn’t it? And its made me...

    DREW BARRYMORE: ...rich and famous and....

    LUCY LIU ...excited over this film, has brought us...

    CAMERON DIAZ: ...a truckload of cash.

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