I'm feeling lazy so I thought I'd repost some spoof commentaries from last year. I think they still make enjoyable reading, if I get any new ones I'll post 'em. ------------------------------------------ BATMAN & ROBIN JOEL SCHUMACHER: Hello I’m Joel Schumacher director of Batman & Robin. GEORGE CLOONEY: And I’m George Clooney, I played Batman in the film. CHRIS O’DONNELL: And I’m Chris o’Donnell, the Boy Wonder. JOEL SCHUMACHER: Hahahaha. AKIVA GOLDSMAN: And I’m Akiva Goldsman, the screenwriter, I also wrote Lost in Space and Deep Blue Sea. JOEL SCHUMACHER: Ok now this is an exciting shot. GEORGE CLOONEY: Now these asses aren’t our asses are they Joel? JOEL SCHUMACHER: No, no these are stunt asses George. GEORGE CLOONEY: These shots were originally much longer, right Joel? JOEL SCHUMACHER: Yes the ass shots originally lasted 40mins... GEORGE CLOONEY: I remember seeing the dailies, I couldn’t stop weeping... JOEL SCHUMACHER: Hey listen to this bit, “This is why Superman works alone”, haha, that line never fails to get a huge laugh at my house. AKIVA GOLDSMAN: I love that line, it’s not the original line you know. Originally Batman was going to say “I’m too old for this shit”, but I like this Superman line better. JOEL SCHUMACHER: It’s timeless. JOEL SCHUMACHER: Oh ok, here is one of my favorite scenes, the hockey punks, Arnold, and Batman surfing down a dinosaurs back, oddly this scene sounded really stupid in the script. AKIVA GOLDSMAN: I’d like to think my scripts make the stupid seem plausible. JOEL SCHUMACHER: I deliberately filmed this scene in a way to make it incomprehensible. I think its more fun for the audience to guess whats going on. Great great scene. GEORGE CLOONEY: Isn’t it funny how perceptions can differ, I mean when I saw this ice hockey scene, I got this terrible feeling in my stomach that didn’t go away for a year. CHRIS O’DONNELL: I love this scene coming up. JOEL SCHUMACHER: Yes yes here it comes..... CHRIS O’DONNELL: Beautiful man, its so cool.... JOEL SCHUMACHER: It’s great isn’t it. I mean why wouldn’t Batman & Robin have ice skates that spring release from their boots. Gotham gets cold too doesn’t it? AKIVA GOLDSMAN: It’s this sort of thing that makes movies cool. CHRIS O’DONNELL: Why kids and adults stayed away from this film like the plague I have no idea. JOEL SCHUMACHER: You’re right Chris, kids hated the movie. AKIVA GOLDSMAN: Adults too! Don’t forget adults. JOEL SCHUMACHER: My own mother wouldn’t talk to me for a year. AKIVA GOLDSMAN: My nephew came to my house and kicked the shit out of me. CHRIS O’DONNELL: My agent changed her number, hahaha. JOEL SCHUMACHER: My agent changed his name, hahaha. JOEL SCHUMACHER: George, you’re awfully quiet, you hated this movie as much as the general population didn’t you? GEORGE CLOONEY: mmmm? Oh yes, I donated my salary to the homeless because it made me physically sick that I profited from it, I couldn’t eat, and I didn’t get out of bed for three weeks. JOEL SCHUMACHER: Hahaha, hey remember how Arnold kept talking about his motivation and how he was creating a character, hahaha. CHRIS O’DONNELL: Hahaha I remember that, I thought he was kidding at first. CHRIS O’DONNELL: Hey Joel you took a lot of heat for casting Alicia Silverstone, remember? JOEL SCHUMACHER: Absolutely, but you know, I felt she had a certain..... CHRIS O’DONNELL: Vacant quality? GEORGE CLOONEY: Fleeting popularity? CHRIS O’DONNELL: Sweater filling volume? GEORGE CLOONEY: Inability to deliver even this tepid material? JOEL SCHUMACHER: She was a real trooper. Ooooh! Coming up is the great bit where Uma Thurman turns into a plant or something! GEORGE CLOONEY: Chris can I borrow your pocket knife? ------------------------------------------ BATTLEFIELD EARTH L.Ron Hubbard: Hello this is the voice of L.Ron Hubbard author of Battlefield Earth and founder of the Church of Scientology. If you’re listening to this than I’m already dead. I've recorded this in case I wasn’t around when my book was filmed. Joining me is Scientology’s favorite son and star of the film... Tom Cruise!! John Travolta: Haha, I’m actually John Travolta, and I play the lead villain Terl, one of the evil alien Psychlos, who.... L.Ron Hubbard: Thanks Tom! Battlefield Earth depicts a world that has been under alien control for a thousand years. John Travolta: Look did anyone actually listen to this tape before we... L.Ron Hubbard: Hahaha great story Tom, can you describe the scene you are watching now... John Travolta: erm, humans have become cave dwellers with only deeply buried memories of how things were, here we are... L.Ron Hubbard: An interesting point Tom, tell us a bit about the actors, we lined up a pretty awesome cast right? John Travolta: Uh.... my wife Kelly is in it and Barry Pepper... L.Ron Hubbard: Woah stop, Tom! That’s quite a list... John Travolta: And also... L.Ron Hubbard: And i can guess who the director is.... John Travolta: Roger Christian, he was... L.Ron Hubbard: Wow, a great great director, what was it like having someone of his stature directing you Tom, he is something of a perfectionist isn’t he? John Travolta: Can someone stop that tape please?! L.Ron Hubbard: This is a huge step up from Top Gun eh Tom? John Travolta: That’s it I’m outta here! L.Ron Hubbard: Thank you Tom, what was our opening weekend gross by the way? silence L.Ron Hubbard: That much? Thats amazing, and how many awards did we win in the end?