so.... now I'm fuming, should I be? (1 Viewer)

[Philip_G]

how mad would you be?

my mom is sort of like a stalker, I chat with her once a month or something, about the most I can tolerate (it really is a long, long story and I won't get into it here)

so she's been trying to get ahold of me by phone and hasnt' for little while, since I go to school full time and work and have a life etc.. I figure that's understandable, not to mention she tends to call at 8 or 9am on saturday or sunday, which RRRRRRRRREALLY pisses me off beyond words. Anywho I'm getting off track..

so she calls tonight while I'm out and leaves this msg on my machine "Hi. we're coming to visit next week"

I'm so mad right now I can barely type at this, for christ's sake I'm 24, live on my own, pay for college on my own and don't see a dime from them for anything. since when does she have the right to just announce when she's barging in with total disregard for my space?

she has done this before, I came home from work one night and surprise, looks who's sitting outside my door. Another time she knocked on my door after midnight and was mad that I wouldn't take the next day off of work to spend it with her (of all fridays THAT friday 2 of the 4 people in the company I worked for was gone, I couldn't leave ONE guy to do it all!)

it's not like she lives across town, they're about 1000 miles away.

 

[Edwin-S]

Maybe you should try discussing some of the issues you have had with her. Sometimes a person wishes their parent(s) would disappear and then when they really are gone they start wishing they could see them one more time.

 

[Bruce Hedtke]

It sounds like you are doing your best to keep yourself seperate from your mother. She still loves you and wants to visit, but to have her just show up anytime she wants shouldn't be acceptable. You have to make it perfectly clear that if she wants to visit, she has to make an arrangement that is suitable to both of you. It's totally reasonable to want your own space and to want her to respect that. But, are you making yourself so unreachable that she feels that she has to resort to such tactics just to see you? It works both ways. Even though it might kill you, let her visit every now and again. Heck, call her and invite her for a visit. Sometimes you just have to be willing to grin and bear it. If nothing else, make deals. Tell her you'll let her visit 4,5,6, etc. times a year, but they must all be planned visits. Tell her you'll call her once a week but that she shouldn't call you unless it's an emergency, etc. These things are more extreme and should be last resort solutions, but there are ways to deal with it. There's nothing wrong with being upset about this, but that should propel you to act and work to find a solution.
Bruce

 

[Christopher P]

Geez, seems a little obsessive I would say. When you say she is visiting, does that mean she is planning on staying with you or at a hotel? If she is planning to stay at your place, that is outright ridiculous, and should be refused on your part, firmly, if not politely. When you say 'we' does that mean mom and dad, or is it just her? What about other siblings? Not to justify her actions, but it might help shed some light on the situation. Should you be fuming? I think your anger is justified, but really only for her uninvited visit. Obviously I don't know as much of the situation right now as you do. Hang in there.

Chris

 

[Philip_G]

I'm not sure where she wants to stay, the one time she showed up and expected me to accomodate her (unannounced at 12am) I lived in a 1 bedroom apartment at the time. She got the couch. When she says "we" she means her and my step dad, an probably the damn dog.
this is all a hold over from mother's day, when she tried to call around 7pm when I was out, I had planned to call around 9 my time, 8 hers, but changed my mind after the step dad left an uncalled for, snotty message on my machine about 7pm, as if after 7 I couldn't call or something? I really am just tired of the whole situation.
4 times a year? ARE YOU MAD? switch it around, once every 4 years is about all I can take of this woman. She and my dad are divorced, and she'll call him to bug me and call her. She moved to be closer to my half sister and nephew, I guess she just needed some more people to boss around.
there is no discussing it with her, she'll just lay a fat guilt trip. I sent her some email and basically put my foot down and said she will not be showing up un-invited any more, and not to test me on this. Honestly if she shows up here next week it will be the last time she ever speaks to me.

 

[Patrick Sun]

You could always go the avoidance route: email her not to come to your place because you'll be out of town, and then make sure you're nowhere near your place next week, just in case.

 

[Philip_G]

I would do that, but it's really just avoiding the issue, ya know?

it just means she'll do it the week after, or the month after that. She's not employed, they have nothing better to do than harass me. I seriously should get a damn restraining order LoL

 

[Patrick Sun]

Don't get mad, get even. Tell her you're coming to her place. And then don't show up! You get her hopes up, and then you pull the rug out from under her.
I take it you have seen "Throw Momma From The Train"?

 

[Jack Briggs]

Wow.

Aside from this major annoyance, how would you describe your relationship with her?

"Annoyance."

It's way more than that. Horrible.

 

[Richard Travale]

Dude, I would sit down and have a very long talk with your mother and possibly a family therapist as well. There are obviously some issues that need to be brought out otherwise you will always be trying to avoid her and you will never have a good relationship with her.

 

[Philip_G]

never have, never will. beyond the point of wanting to even try. She's got issues of her own to deal with way way way before even trying a family therapist.
just the thought of her voice makes my blood pressure jump

 

[BrianW]

Here’s something that worked for me:

Send her an email explaining that her unannounced visit is most inconvenient because your new sweetheart, Sven, just moved in and wouldn’t feel at all comfortable practicing his contortion routine that he performs for the local circus with her around. Besides, since you just bought a gun to protect yourself from Sven’s former partner, you’d hate to be forced to use it in your mother’s presence, what with the dangerous cross fire and all. And, wouldn’t you know it, next week is the week you’ve scheduled your very own production of your first independent film, Phalluvius Maximus, a heart-wrenching story about a young boy whose bed linens betray his past and foreshadow his future. Of course, if she still insists on visiting, you could easily make her a part of the cast, though there were no women in the original script. Perhaps you could make her the voyeuristic French maid or something like that. (Tell her as an aside that you’ve heard that such characters are popular in more “traditional” movies.)

Take this advice at your own risk, of course. I suspect that in North Dakota, something like this would have more impact than I could possibly imagine.

(Seriously, I hope you find a solution that doesn’t involve violence, psychotropic drugs, fraud, or reruns of My Mother the Car.)

 

[Danny R]

Wow, can't relate at all.

 

[AviTevet]

You have unresolved issues. The following will make you think I'm a total jerk and idiot and "just don't understand the situation," but it might help you.

Your mom should either be good for you and in your life, or bad for you and out of your life. Not this half-assed thing where you talk to her once a month and get really pissed when you're forced to answer the phone at 8 am on Sunday (oh the humanity! Turn off the ringer?). You are too weak to tell your mom your terms of the relationship, which presumably would be a chat once a month or less, initiated by you, and a less than one week visit every 4 years or less. As long as you remain like this (weak), things will not get any better for you and your mom will continue doing whatever stalker things she does and you will continue getting mad.

This:

there is no discussing it with her, she'll just lay a fat guilt trip. I sent her some email and basically put my foot down and said she will not be showing up un-invited any more, and not to test me on this. Honestly if she shows up here next week it will be the last time she ever speaks to me.

is not asserting yourself... first of all, no one in the history of the internet has firmly put their foot down by sending an email. It's just too indirect. Why didn't you just call her and tell her she's not coming?

You: "Mom, don't come."

Her: ""

You: "Well, sucks to be you. Don't come."

Her: [shows up at your door] "Hi!"

You: "Enjoy your stay in Grand Forks, ma, I'll talk to you when you return home." [close door]

Second, if you know what you are doing is right (whatever it is you are doing), you won't feel (as) guilty about what you are doing. Maybe she wouldn't lay a guilt trip (probably she would) but you have already determined the result of a discussion, and that is that you will feel guilty. You don't even have to have the discussion and already you feel guilty!

So my suggestion to you, if you want to save the relationship (which I would say you do, because you haven't told her off yet) is to tell her your terms, and then she'll tell you hers, and then you'll get in a big argument, and it'll suck. But, she'll see you're unhappy with her. That way, if you ever do tell her to never talk to you again, you'll be able to say that you told her what would make you happy and she couldn't do it (for whatever reason). Oh yeah, one more thing... the above will be really hard to do, and will continue to be hard for probably years.

If you don't want to save the relationship then just tell her off now... no point in prolonging the agony, right?

Thank you all for making this possible; the uninformed internet pseudo-psychologist provides free, unsolicited, and bad advice on many other forums as well. [bows]

 

[Philip_G]

LoL avi, do I owe you 5 cents now? (wasn't lucy's psychologist stand thing in penuts 5 cents? yeah bad joke I have to explain it to myself as I type it...)

anywho you're right. I'm just wondering if I'm taking the situation out of context, or if I'm more pissed off than I should be. and it looks like I'm not

 

[Steve Tannehill]

I'm just wondering if I'm taking the situation out of context, or if I'm more pissed off than I should be.

Well, Philip, we don't really know the context since there is a long story that you've not told us. And I'm not saying that you should tell us everything.

Your mom is probably somewhere on the scale between Edith Bunker and Joan Crawford. You have your reasons for disliking her (or her actions), and that's just fine. I would respectfully suggest that you might want to discuss these issues with a professional, or with a support group, especially if the anger you are feeling does not go away.

To answer your original question, it is rude to show up unannounced, and it is presumptious to visit and expect accommodation with little warning. Miss Manners would not approve, and neither should you have to.

But on the flip side, it is also rude for you to just slam the door in her face. Avi has pegged it: define your boundaries, either by phone in advance, or in person when she arrives. If you don't, this behavior will only continue.

- Steve

 

[Andrew W]

Philip,

I have a similar situation with my mother. She has a lot of mental problems and is manic depressive on top of that. She is definitely in the category of toxic parent.

Once you are 18, you have no obligation to visit, call or associate with your parents in any way that you don't choose. They generally will attempt to manipulate you in two ways.

The first is money or inheritance. If you want the money, you have to play their games, but most adult children don't go for this unless they are very spoiled and incapable of making it on their own.

The second is guilt. They're your parents, you wouldn't even exist if not for them, they raised you. The fact of the matter is if they raised you so poorly that you have no desire to see them, there is nothing to be guilty about. The fault is on them and now you are grown and make you own decisions.

If you are willing to see you mother on limited and controlled terms, you first have to be willing to never see her again and stand behind it. Then make it clear to her that if she doesn't agree to your conditions that you will move, change your phone, get a restraining order or whatever it takes to enforce the separation. This is hard for a toxic parent to take, but if you make it sink in, there WILL be a serious attitude adjustment and things will get much better for you when she does visit. If she insists on doing thing her way, then you should absolutely cut her off.

In practice, you will probably have to cut her off and in a year or so, she will accept your terms. Toxic parents never believe that they could really be as bad as they are and that you would really abandon them. You have to make them believe.

That is how it worked out for me.

Andy

 

[Philip_G]

I called her. She got my email it seems and now the story is "we weren't really coming to visit, I just wanted to ring your bell"
AAAAAAAARGH. that was the end of that conversation. I'm going to go watch my fishtank now.. happy fishes.. swimming around haaaaaaapppy carefree fishes

 

[MikeAlletto]

since when does she have the right to just announce when she's barging in with total disregard for my space?

Since she pushed your 8 lbs body out of her you know what. That pretty much gives her the right to call or visit you whenever she wants to.

 

[Ike]

Since she pushed your 8 lbs body out of her you know what. That pretty much gives her the right to call or visit you whenever she wants to.

No, it doesn't, especially when he's 24. He's a person now, not a little baby.