Rules of Houston for SuperBowl Visitors

Discussion in 'After Hours Lounge (Off Topic)' started by Chris Farmer, Jan 30, 2004.

  1. Chris Farmer

    Chris Farmer Screenwriter

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    HOUSTON TRAFFIC RULES FOR PEOPLE VISITING DURING SUPER BOWL XXXVIII, FEBRUARY 1, 2004

    1. You must learn to pronounce the name of the city. It is "Hue-stun," not "Ewe-ston," and definitely not "How-ston." The street named San Felipe is pronounced "San fe-LEE-pay," not "San Fi-LEEP" or "San Fay-LEE-pee."

    2. Forget any traffic rules you learned anywhere else. Houston has its
    own version of traffic rules. They are called "Hold On And Pray."
    There is no such thing as a high-speed chase in Houston. We all drive
    like that.

    3. All directions start with "Go down to Loop 610," which has no
    beginning and no end.

    4. You don't have to wait for an exit to get off the freeways. Just
    follow the ruts in the grass to the frontage road like everyone else.
    This is how Houston residents notify the Texas Department of
    Transportation where exits should have been built in the first place.


    5. You have the East, Katy, Southwest, North, South, Northwest, and
    Eastex freeways, which are actually I-10 East, I-10 West, 59 North, 59
    South, I-45 North, I-45 South, and 290, but not in that order. Your job
    is to figure out which one you really want to get on, without any signs
    to tell you. God help you if you are in the wrong lane, or you will go
    around Loop 610 again, which is an endless circle.

    6. When in doubt, remember that all unmarked exits lead to the state of
    Louisiana.

    7. WHATEVER YOU DO - DO NOT go down to Sugarland and speed even 1 m.p.h. over the limit or forget to wear your seatbelt - you WILL be
    ARRESTED and taken to jail for a full body search - no questions, no
    attorney and your family will never hear from you again.

    8. The Houston Chamber of Commerce calls getting through traffic "a
    scenic drive." It is if you love seeing wrecks and people risking their
    lives changing tires, running through potholes, slamming on your brakes
    to avoid a collision, having people cut you off, seeing a lot of
    people's middle fingers, and exhaust fumes.

    9. The morning rush hour is from 5:00 a.m. to 11:30 a.m. The noon-hour rush is 11:00 a.m. to 1:30 p.m. The evening rush hour is 2:00 p.m. to 8:00 p.m., sometimes 9:00 p.m. (or 3 a.m. during floods, which we call "ponding"). The teenagers take the streets from 9:00 p.m. through 5:00 a.m., and Friday's rush hour starts on Thursday morning.

    10. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you WILL be rear ended, or
    at least cussed out, and/or possibly shot. When you are the first off
    the starting line, count to 5 before moving when the light turns green,
    to avoid being "T-boned" by crossing traffic.

    11. Construction on every freeway, loop, and toll way in the city is a
    permanent form of entertainment as well as a source of delays.

    12. Kuykendahl Road can be pronounced ONLY by a native Houstonian. (It is pronounced "Kirk-n-doll.")

    13. All unexplained smells are accompanied by the phrase "Oh, we must
    be near Pasadena."

    14. If someone actually has his turn signal on, it is probably a
    factory defect and should be ignored.

    15. All Suburbans and Hummers have the right-of-way, unless you are
    driving an 18-wheeler or perhaps a Bradley tank.

    16. The minimum acceptable speed limit on Loop 610 is 85 mph.
    Otherwise, you will be stopped by Houston's Finest for impeding the flow
    of traffic.

    17. The wrought-iron bars on windows in East Houston are NOT
    ornamental.

    18. Never look at the driver of a car with a bumper sticker that says,
    "Keep honking. I'm reloading." In fact, don't honk at anyone.

    19. If you are in the left lane, and going only 70 mph in a 60 mph
    zone, the people who are passing you are not really waving at you.

    20. If it is 100 degrees outside, then Valentines Day must be next
    weekend.

    21. The Sam Houston Toll Road is Houston's daily version of a NASCAR
    race.

    22. Don't get on Main Street unless you really WANT to be on Main
    Street. Left turns and right turns are not allowed between the South
    Loop and Dallas (that's Dallas, Texas, not Dallas Street).

    23. Don't get sick or injured. There are no parking spaces in the
    Texas Medical Center for anyone but doctors.

    Y'ALL ENJOY YOUR STAY IN HOUSTON, AND COME BACK REAL
    SOON NOW, Y'HEAR?





    The funniest part of all is how many people will think this is a joke. It's not, I assure you.
     
  2. Grant B

    Grant B Producer

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    Well welcome to national exposure!

    Driving seems pretty normal cept everything is flat. Throw in streets with 40% grades, tunnels, earthquakes and streetcars that eat Hummers for breakfast and you got some fun. Remember the people that talk funny are tourists....they are like Heroin to your city. They have $$$$ and leave in the morning. Be nice and don't kill them for Jay walking - even if that's legal ....it's a good way to get people to not come back.

    Occasionally we tear down some freeways to make life more interesting; you should try it! Have fun ..I get tired of helicopters flying over my house for the color commentary.
    You forgot the most important rule of driving: Streetlights that are set for 35 mph also work at 70 and 105!
    Have fun
     
  3. Philip_G

    Philip_G Producer

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    where's that thread about being forced to move to tx again?
    and yes, houston does suck as bad as that list implies, I assure you.
     
  4. JustinCleveland

    JustinCleveland Cinematographer

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    Chris,

    That's too funny! I was down in Huston, and College Station for a couple of days, at a conference last year and that's DEAD-ON accurate. It's funny!
     
  5. Wayne Bundrick

    Wayne Bundrick Cinematographer

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    More examples of what I meant in an old thread when I said the personality of a city is defined to the rest of the world by the assholes who live there.
     
  6. D. Scott MacDonald

    D. Scott MacDonald Supporting Actor

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    This is all false. I lived in Houston for 8 years, and I don't think I ever got my car above 50 the whole time (35 is pretty good on 45). The only exception may be the Sam Houston toll road where people unload just to prove that their cars can still drive fast. How anybody could claim to have ever gone 85 on the 610 loop is beyond me.

    [sarcasm]
    Of course, now I live in Seattle where the traffic is MUCH better [​IMG][/sarcasm]
     
  7. Joseph DeMartino

    Joseph DeMartino Lead Actor

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    Ah, yes. This thread might explain this article.



    Regards,

    Joe
     
  8. Philip_G

    Philip_G Producer

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    back in the 80's outside of rush hour I don't EVEr remember doing less than 85, if you tried you'd get run over.
    I also remember a small run in my old man had with an rx7 turbo up to about 110 or 120
     
  9. Andrew Testa

    Andrew Testa Second Unit

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    Rules for Houston residents for Superbowl week:

    1) Stay the hell out of Houston.
    2) Unless you're paying off a ransom note, don't even THINK about going downtown.
    3) Shop at midnight.
    4) Stay the hell out of Houston.

    Andy,

    Never closer than 20 miles from 610 this whole week. And STILL I see Limos all over the place, and Ellington Field, our third tier ex-military airfield, is so loaded with Lears and Gulfstreams it looks like an airshow is going on.
     
  10. Craig S

    Craig S Producer
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    Actually, I hear traffic reporters down here call it San Fill-i-pee. Of course, "San fe-LEE-pay" is the proper pronunciation in Spanish.

    As far as traffic - yeah, it sucks. But I've spent some quality driving time in Boston, L.A., Chicago, DC Metro, & Dallas, and guess what - they all suck too. Every metropolitan area has its share of horrendous traffic, endless road repairs, and rude drivers. It's just that when you're in an unfamiliar city it's all magnified because you don't know the exits, best routes, etc.

    The Metro train collisions just crack me up. I can't believe how many people have run into trains. They're supposedly VERY quiet. Stealth trains - that's just what we needed.

    Actually, the city seems to have received good marks from visitors this past weekend. The paper interviewed several fans after the game who said they had no problem getting around, and who had high praise for the stadium & the friendly people of our town. Of course, maybe they were all still on a high from getting to see Janet Jackson's first live peep show... [​IMG]

    And say all you want about Houston - at least we didn't have this kind of shit happening when the Rockets won their championships:

    http://www.chron.com/cs/CDA/ssistory.../04/sb/2383319
     
  11. Andy Sheets

    Andy Sheets Cinematographer

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    It deserves to get good reviews. It's always easily been the friendliest city I've lived in, and when I was back there for my vacation over the holidays, I was very impressed by how nice the downtown area is compared to how it used to be. Still some work to be done, but it's actually kind of fun to stroll around downtown now, which certainly wasn't the case in the past [​IMG]
     

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