Rant: STRESS! Why are people so clueless!!! (1 Viewer)

[MarkHastings]

Ok, we've all done it (including myself), but lately I've been experiencing this more and more and I am about to strangle someone.

Have you ever had a problem that was either stressing you out or making you angry or sad? Now why is it, that when you are like this, EVERYONE has to make things worse by agitating the situation!!!

Example: For the past 3 months, I have had MAJOR issues with my car. I've been in and out of the dealer and a tire shop about 10 times. The issue wasn't resolving and I've spent close to $4,500 in fixing it.

Now! Everyone knows this (i.e. all of the hell I've been through), but when I told my parents about the latest issue (and $1,000 bill), the first thing my mom starts with is: "What? Did you give them hell? Did you do this? Did you do that????"

ARGH!!! I was ready to EXPLODE on her! Does she not realize that I am already stressed to the max and I've already bitched and griped and fought with the dealer? What do her comments do for me but stress me out even more?

I had the car at the dealership and they gave me a loaner car. It wasn't the greatest, but I was glad I didn't have to take yet another vacation day off to have my car fixed...When I got to work, a co-worker saw the car and started saying "Oh my god! This sucks! I'd be PISSED! You should tell the dealer that you want a better car! I can't believe you actually took this car!..." etc. etc. etc.

ACK! At this point, I had MORE concerns on my mind than the freakin rental car! I just wanted my car fixed, but this person had to stress me out even more with piddly crap! WHY????

Again, I realize why people do this (yes, I've done it myself), but I don't think people realize what they are actually doing.

Another example: A co-worker was having a stressful week and was going on vacation...with the recent terrorist attempt, everyone was coming up to her and saying "Oh man! You'd better get to the airport early!" or "Man, that sucks that you can't bring (this and that) on the plane...", etc. etc. etc.

I mean, this woman is stressed enough about flying, but everyone feels the need to make things worse for her by stressing her out even more so with their "concern".

Later on, I went to her and said "Don't worry about the flight. The waiting will probably suck, but once you get to Florida, you can relax and all of that crap will be behind you."


So, I guess the point of the thread is, when someone is stressing, please try to give them positive vibes....they've already thought of everything that you're about to say to them, so there's no need to rehash it and stress them out even more.

 

[Dheiner]

How is their "concern" different than your comment?

 

[Fredster]

I feel really stressed after reading this...

 

[mylan]

I can understand how it would be different. My wife and I haven't flown in ten years and had a trip to Vegas planned for some time, we are still going but have major issues with the current situation. We are getting the " Oh, I just wouldn't go if it were me" really making it worse or negative vibes like Mark said. I think he was trying to reassure her, you can tell when someone is trying to be a busybody or when they are trying to reassure.

 

[Radioman970]

I hate to be negative, but I think what you're discribing is just the various people around you faking concern. I've always hated that. I never buy it. My boss is a pro at this. All year round he could care less about my problems but then my grandma dies (certainly sad, but it's my family that'll cope; we don't need his help) he thinks I need to discuss it with him at length. I almost feel he "feeds on" other people's sadness or uses it for "appearances". Does this make sense?

 

[Patrick Sun]

Or, some people have different empathy levels, and can handle higher levels of "stress" in order to see the bigger picture of situations when they offer their advice and suggestions.

 

[MarkHastings]

I think it has to do with people not realizing how their own anger/stress/sadness affects the person they are speaking to. Whenever you hear that another person is having a tough time with something (if you generally care for this person) it really bothers you too because you hate to see this person in pain (or angry, etc.)

But where the problem lies is, most people (once they feel that initial anger/stress) don't think about how that reaction affects the person they are speaking to. The most natural thing is to (if the person is in an angry situation) is to get angry as well....

Like I said, if I told my mom about the crap I've been going through with my car, her first instinct is to get angry at the dealership and want to help. The problem is, she starts getting angry and stressed and trying to help me with the situation, but I never understand how this is supposed to 'help' me?Exactly. This woman is worried about flying and instead of refocusing her thoughts on the actual vacation, everyone just kept bringing up the problems she'll face at the airport, and it was annoying. I realize they were doing it because they were worried, but again, I don't think most people realize that they may be (in fact) making this woman MORE stressed, with their concern, than if they had just not said anything at all.

I wanted her to stop worrying about the flight and to focus on the fun of her trip.

 

[Holadem]

People just want to show they empathise. Generally, it's a good thing.

Since we are ranting, how about those who annoy you on purpose? My coworkers, having noticed that I am not at all a morning person (Must... Have... Coffee), take a perverse pleasure in pestering me with all sorts of little things when I come in (hey, had a rough night? Not in a good mood eh? Don't talk to him, he's still asleep etc...). I don't know why anyone would find this amusing. I try to take in in stride, but one day I just gonna get up and clock somebody.

--
H

 

[Robert_Gaither]

I'll tell you what stresses me out, when people post complaint topic but won't state the name of the businesses involved. If I had to buy a car or tires I'm now stressed and wonder if this is in the same town or the same dealers I intend to conduct business with and if this is how I'll be treated. I know if I had a problem with a business I don't mind dropping it's name around to make certain others won't.

 

[Robert_Gaither]

I hate this when it comes from total strangers or when you call customer service from any company, it seems forced and insincere. I wish this would come to a stop.

 

[Patrick Sun]

Well, would you rather people just say "It sucks to be you! Hahahahaha!"

 

[MarkHastings]

Most definitely the case, but I just wish some people were a little less "Crazed" about it.

 

[Jeff Ulmer]

Depending on the relationship (ie family), it is a natural response to try to do something to help, even if it doesn't. I have learned that it's sometimes better to just be a sounding board - it isn't easy, but sometimes it's the best thing to do.

Even replying "I'm sure it will all work out for the best" can get some people even angrier, as it comes off as trivializing the problem.

There's always "Oh yeah? You think that's bad? I just bla bla bla... (insert problem here)"

As for the person afraid of flying, you could always ask if you could have their chair if they don't make it... (insert evil smilie)

 

[MarkHastings]

That's exactly what I'm looking for. I usually will start by saying: "I don't need you to get stressed about this; I've already got enough stress for the both of us"

 

[Bob McLaughlin]

I learned over the years that when my wife is complaining about something, I should not make any suggestions or try to make her feel better about the situation in any way, because it just doesn't work. She just wants me to listen and maybe nod once in a while.

It's really hard to do because my first instinct is to try to fix things, or come up with solutions, or provide words of comfort. But every one of them will go down in flames, whether they are valid suggestions or not. She just wants someone to listen to her. Actually, she just wants to talk about it, I'm not even sure if she cares if I'm listening or not!

This seems to be a dividing line along the sexes. Men in general don't complain, that would be like admitting you did something wrong, which men don't like to do. Men instead just get mad at the source of the complaint. Whereas women tend to get all upset with themselves when instead they should be upset at the situation.

 

[Holadem]

Yeah, most of the time they just wanna feel that you give a shit, so just learn to pretend that you do .

--
H

 

[Jeff Ulmer]

Although I can see the aggravation from those honestly trying to help, what's even worse is when people decide to deride you for getting yourself into whatever the situation is.

"Why did you buy that POS car?" "I would never have done bla bla bla..." etc...

It can take a long time to learn that your opinion of a certain situation is not always appreciated.

 

[MarkHastings]

And I'm the type that tries to follow the "Out of sight, out of mind" principle - meaning, there are times when there is nothing you can do but bend over and take it. At those times, I like to rid my mind of the situation because there's nothing I can do about it and getting stressed or angry won't help.

I'll bitch and complain about my car with the dealership, but when I'm at work or at home, I prefer to not talk about it and focus my energy on something else.