Possibly dumb dating question..... (1 Viewer)

[Michael Silla]

Actually it is more of a "Situation." Let me explain.
I am good friends with a former co-worker of mine. We don't spend super amounts of time with each other but on occaision she is the primary person I "hang out" with. We enjoy each others compnay and see things pretty much the same. When we do "stuff" together, we usually have a good time.
What's the problem?. Well, as you can tell from my description, we aren't exactly "going steady." We both see our relationship as that of being good friends with one another. I'd like that to change someday, perhaps even someday soon. The problem is......
She is 8 years older than me :b
I'm not 18 (I wish I could be that young again... ). Rather I am the ripe old age of 30. My hope for the near future is to get serious about marriage and starting a family (gulp). This is the main (really the only) reason why I am a little apprehensive about letting her know about some of my true feelings (that and the fact that I'm chicken :b)
Have any of you made "age gaps" work? (especially considering the desire for a family?). Listen, I realize that age is nothin' but a number. Shoot, if you can find someone in this mortal life that you are totally compatible with you should count that blessing, right?.
Anyway, I appreciate people sharing their experiences. Thanks in advance for your time.
Michael.

 

[Max Leung]

Does she want kids?
Oh, and you had better let your feelings be known real quick. My understanding is that conception gets much harder the older a woman gets, particularly in the 40's and up. Although, with the advancement in fertility technologies, may not be a big deal nowadays.
Males are lucky in that respect...a 75 year old man could still successfully impregnate a young woman *cough*Hugh Hefner*cough*.
(I'll let other people tackle the relationship angle. )

 

[Carl Johnson]

30 vs 38 isn't much of an age gap, that should be a non issue. The biggest hurdle here is the nature of your relationship. Jumping from friends to lovers is a big enough step in itself, but adding marriage to the proposal is way too much. If a female friend of mine were to make a move like that on me it would scare me to death, I can only assume she would have a similar reaction. If you want a serious relationship then talk to her about that. If and when you successfully maintain a serious relationship with her for a period of time then is the time to talk about marriage and kids. It doesn't have to be a period of years but going directly from good friends to prenatal care in a single conversation is too fast.

Good luck

 

[Yee-Ming]

off the top of my head, whilst I agree 30 v 38 per se isn't a problem (as Carl says), IMHO the possible pitfall in future is kids. you evidently want kids, but if she's already 38, even if you get together straightaway and try for kids a year later, she'd be around 40 by the time the first one's born, with it's attendant problems and risks. and at 38, she may well have already decided now never to have kids. are you willing to give that up?

 

[Michael Silla]

To be quiet honest Yee, no. I definently want children to be part of any future relationship. Since we aren't in that type of relationship, it would feel kinda ackward for me to dwell on that question with her. Perhaps if things change sometime soon I can ask more serious types of questions. My whole point in posting this was to see if there were others out there that made this type of (Age differential - children) situation work.

Carl,

Agreed. I would generally feel the same way if "all of a sudden" I was approached by a friend and point blank asked for a more serious relationship. Part of the reason why I threw this post out there was to gauge whether I was being silly to reject the idea outright. To be quite honest, I think there is potential for this to be something more. I hope that when or if that time comes, my mind is clear on the subject.

Thanks for your responses,

Michael.

 

[Julian Reville]

Shoot, if you can find someone in this mortal life that you are totally compatible with you should count that blessing, right?.

You betcha. Personally I wouldn't worry about the age thing or kids, just figure out someway to go for it.

One of my biggest regrets is NOT having a relationship with a girl buddy, who, in hindight, probably wanted to. That was years ago, and I can't find her now, even to say "Hi".

Donna, wherever you are: "Hi. I'm the dummy that blew you off in 1982. Sorry."

 

[Holadem]

Next time you see her, just ask her if she sees herself having kids.

You are her friend, it's a perfectly normal question. Know that as a friend before you go further.

--
Holadem

 

[teapot2001]

Holadem is right. Take her to a park where you might see some kids to make it easier.

~T

 

[Ryan Wright]

Next time you see her, just ask her if she sees herself having kids.

I don't know... Sounds like a quick way to freak her out if you ask me. Something like that is going to totally depend on the situation at hand and how it's approached. I'd think up a reason to talk about children in general (Thi's idea about going to a park might work great) and say something about your thoughts on the subject first. As in: "Ah, children. You know, I think I'd really enjoy having one of my own some day - that is, if I ever get married." Listen to her response carefully, because she'll likely tell you her intentions right then and there without you even asking. If she doesn't, then you can ask: "What about you?" This sort of thing makes it less threatening than if you just came out and said, "Wow, look at all the kids. Say, do you want to have children?"

 

[Paul Bond]

Michael,

Until my current (and married to) lady, I'd had a couple of long term relationships with ladies who were 7-8 years older than me. In each case, although it did not bother me, they had problems about the age difference. I think it has been imprinted into our minds that the man should be older than the woman in a mating-type relationship.

Why? I have no idea.

Whether this has anything to do with you situation is unknown. You will have to suck in your gut and talk to your lady to find out how she feels.

As for children, unless you feel compelled to continue your own personal gene pool, you could adopt. Just a thought.

Paul

 

[TheoGB]

I'd have to say mate...I think if she had those sorts of feelings for you she would have brought it up by now. :frowning:
Just my take.
I've found the 'woman of my dreams' once already and she just wasn't interested. We're mates now but it's gonna be a long time before I find another, I reckon...

 

[Michael Martin]

Michael, as others have pointed out, you've really stated two dilemmas:

1. How to initiate a romantic relationship with this woman.

2. How to find out if she wants a family.

Now it it seems to me that, depending on the nature of your friendship, you could find out #2 fairly easily. If you have an established history or precedence of talking about more personal matters, you could ask her fairly directly if she has experienced (or is experiencing) a desire for critters of her own. I would think a LOT about HOW you bring it up, but if your friendship is solid, it shouldn't be that big of a deal to talk about.

If her answers are clear and fall in line with your desires, then you can contemplate taking the relationship in a different direction. If it is clear that she does NOT want children, my recommendation is to deal with the disappointment internally, retain her good friendship, and place your romantic focus elsewhere. One piece of advice I think ALL people need when seriously contemplating marrying is to assume that the other person will never change. Can you happily live out your years with them, as they are? I don't mean to sound cynical or harsh, but far too many people marry someone with the unspoken assumption that the other person will change (i.e. "come around" to their way of thinking). Now, hopefully, the person you marry WILL continue to grow and develop as a person. But you should not make a decision to get married based on "potential." Assume WYSIWYG, and go from there.

As far as the mechanics of initiating romance, I advocate a mix of direct communication with personalized subtlety. Plan a low-key but personalized evening, organized around favorite activities or experiences of hers. During the evening, talk openly (but non-demandingly) about your desire to deepen your relationship with her. Make sure as you talk, you remember three goals:

1. Be clear about what you are wanting (i.e., to be more than just platonic friends).

2. State your feelings gently but without apology. Don't make her feel cornered, but don't act like you're wrong to feel attracted to her.

3. Give her time and room to process and think. She may need more than just a few seconds to reply and decide.

Good luck, Michael. Please keep us posted on the relationship.

P.S. -- Watch the show "Ed" for pointers on a guy who knows how to quietly but powerfully "wow" a woman in whom you're interested.

 

[Yee-Ming]

P.S. -- Watch the show "Ed" for pointers on a guy who knows how to quietly but powerfully "wow" a woman in whom you're interested.

is there a movie called "Ed"? it strikes me that in the TV show, Ed Stevens the bowling alley lawyer didn't exactly "wow" Carol Vessey. or have you lot in the US seen developments in the latest season beyond what us laggards in the Pacific Rim are still watching?

FWIW, from what I'm watching Carol was recently involved with the new principal Dennis Martino, but he seems to have suddenly vanished -- got a job elsewhere I think, or maybe the last few episdoes just haven't focused on that relationship at all.

 

[Brian Harnish]

If both of you consider yourselves friends, and she has put you in the dreaded friend zone, it's hopeless. It is highly unlikely that she'll be interested in you romantically if you are already friends. You'll get the "Let's Just Be Friends" line.

Ryan Wright wrote:

Make it a date: Bring her flowers. Open doors for her. Pay for everything. Don't, however, go too wild. Just take things slow and see what happens. She will see that your interest in her is beyond that of a friendship very quickly. Either that, or if you're too chicken to do so (Hey, I probably would be), make the friendship deep by spending more and more time together and discussing more and more intimate subjects. When you know each other inside and out and spend a lot of time together, relationships tend to happen.

No. NO NO NO NO NO! Never buy a woman flowers and never pay for everything on the first date -- make her pay her share or don't take her out at all (women aren't goddesses, so it's not necessary to treat them like goddesses). And never, EVER talk to her on the phone for hours on end (this lowers her interest level). Be a mystery, be a challenge. And don't talk to her about many things -- keep things short and succinct.

And, of course, Never EVER bring her gifts or buy her things on the first date.

 

[Lew Crippen]

! Never buy a woman flowers and never pay for everything on the first date --

While flowers might be a bad idea on the first date, paying for dinner or concert tickets is not. You will get judged by women, even militant feminists, on your ability and willingness to provide. True, there may be a few who will be offended, but starting this way will put you several steps back with most. Of course if she asks to pay her share, accede to request gracefully. You will still get points for having offered.

 

[Ted Lee]

the age difference is no big deal. my ex was 5 years older than me. by the time you're in your early 30's, you're (hopefully) mature enough to compensate for that.

as far as "the approach" goes, that's already been pretty well covered, but i'll add this:

if you get a good vibe, go for it. it sounds like you two are close enough that you'll be able to deal with it.

 

[Michael Martin]

was 5 years older than me.

Ted, I think you just sabotaged your own argument!

 

[Elizabeth S]

I think you need to know if she might feel the same way before you jump ahead to think about children and such. If she does and is truly right for you on many other levels, you are a lucky man. There are women who have had children well into their 40's. Or you can adopt -- I've never understood the need to have a child biologically your own (although I understand adoption can be an arduous process.) Never PRESUME anything -- just because you marry a 22-year old doesn't guarantee she's able to have children.

 

[Alex Prosak]

I don't think age is an issue at all for mature people. Heck, my dad just turned 60 and recently got engaged to a 30 year old woman. Go Viagra!
I do agree with Elizabeth, find out if she has feelings for you before finding out if she wants kids. If she reciprocates your feelings, wait awhile before finding out about her interest in children.

 

[Andrew W]

No. NO NO NO NO NO! Never buy a woman flowers and never pay for everything on the first date -- make her pay her share or don't take her out at all (women aren't goddesses, so it's not necessary to treat them like goddesses).

Why would you do this? To demonstrate that you were raised with no manners whatsoever?

When inviting someone out, you are taking on the resposibilities of a host. To make someone pay for their share of dinner would be as rude as charging someone to eat at your house after asking them over for dinner.