What's new

Original Hollywood Squares -- a little humor (1 Viewer)

Scott Merryfield

Senior HTF Member
Dec 16, 1998
Mich. & S. Carolina
Real Name
Scott Merryfield
A co-worker emailed this to me today. It was a nice break from all the grim news of the past few days.
From The Original Hollywood Squares TV show. These are from the days when game show responses were spontaneous and not scripted like they are now.
Peter Marshall: Paul, can you get an elephant drunk?
Paul Lynde: Yes, but he still won't go up to your apartment.
Peter Marshall: According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think he's really attractive, is it okay to come out directly and ask him if he's married?
Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.
Peter Marshall: Which of your five senses tends to diminish
as you get older?
Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
Peter Marshall: In Hawaiian, does it take more than three
words to say "I love you"?
Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.
Peter Marshall: Prometheus was tied to the top of a mountain by the gods because he had given something to man. What did he give us?
Paul Lynde: I don't know what you got, but I got a sports shirt.
Peter Marshall: What are "Do It", "I Can Help" and "Can't Get Enough"?
George Gobel: I don't know but it's coming from the next apartment.
Peter Marshall: As you grow older, do you tend to gesture
more or less with your hands while you are talking?
Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing older question,
Peter...and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget!
Peter Marshall: According to Zsa Zsa, does black look sexy on a woman?
Redd Foxx: I wouldn't have it any other way.
Peter Marshall: What are "dual purpose" cattle good for that
other cattle aren't?
Paul Lynde: They give milk and cookies...but I don't recommend the cookies!
Peter Marshall: If you find someone lying unconscious in the street, should you do anything?
George Goebel: I'd probably crawl around him I guess.
Peter Marshall: Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Peter Marshall: Charley, you've just decided to grow
strawberries. Are you going to get any during your first year?
Charley Weaver: Of course not, Peter. I'm too busy growing
Peter Marshall: In bowling, what's a perfect score?
Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Peter Marshall: Eddie, according to the Institute of Motivational Research, a wife should be beware if another woman takes an interest in a certain item of her husband's clothing. What item?
Ed Asner: Well, shorts immediately springs to my mind.
Peter Marshall: It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics. What is the other?
Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
Peter Marshall: True or false...a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Peter Marshall: Is there a weight limit for bags on airline
flights in this country?
Charley Weaver: If she can fit under the seat, she can fly.
Peter Marshall: During a tornado, are you safer in the
bedroom or in the closet?
Rose Marie: Unfortunately, Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
Peter Marshall: Can boys join the camp fire girls?
Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Peter Marshall: When you pat a dog on its head he will
usually wag his tail. What will a goose do?
Paul Lynde: Make him bark.
Peter Marshall: True or false, George...experts say there are only seven or eight things in the world dumber than an ant.
George Gobel: Yes, and I think I voted for six of 'em.
Peter Marshall: If you were pregnant for two years, what
would you give birth to?
Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
Peter Marshall: According to Ann Landers, is there anything
wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army!
Peter Marshall: Is it possible for the puppies in a litter to have more than one daddy?
Paul Lynde: Why, that bitch!
Peter Marshall: While visiting China, your tour guide starts shouting "Poo! Poo! Poo!" What does that mean?
George Goebel: Cattle crossing.
Peter Marshall: It is the most abused and neglected part of
your body - what is it?
Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn't neglected!
Peter Marshall: Charley, what do you call a pig that weighs
more than 150 pounds?
Charley Weaver: A divorcee.
Peter Marshall: Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Peter Marshall: According to Movie Life magazine, Ann-Margaret would like to start having babies soon, but her husband wants her to wait a while. Why?
Paul Lynde: He's out of town.
Peter Marshall: Dennis Weaver, Debbie Reynolds, and Shelley Winters star in the movie "What's The Matter With Helen?" Who plays Helen?
Charley Weaver: Dennis Weaver - that's why they asked the question.
Peter Marshall: Who stays pregnant for a longer period of
time, your wife or your elephant?
Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Peter Marshall: When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car. The rest is up to him.
Peter Marshall: James Stewart did it over twenty years ago when he was forty-one years old. Now he says it was "one of the best things I ever did." What was it?
Marty Allen: Rhonda Fleming.
Peter Marshall: Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
Charley Weaver: His feet.
Peter Marshall: If you're going to make a parachute jump, you should be at least how high?
Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Peter Marshall: Do female frogs croak?
Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water.
Peter Marshall: You've been having trouble going to sleep.
Are you probably a man or a woman?
Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
Peter Marshall: Your baby has a certain object which he loves to cling to. Should you try to break him of his habit?
Joan Rivers: Yes. It's daddy's turn.
My DVD Collection
AFI 100 Films to watch: 40 -> 5


Senior HTF Member
Jul 24, 2000

I wonder if these were really unscripted though, I think the show has been scripted pretty much from day one... but still funny. I love Joan Rivers' line, the last one.

Scott Merryfield

Senior HTF Member
Dec 16, 1998
Mich. & S. Carolina
Real Name
Scott Merryfield
I am skeptical about the questions not being scripted either. Too many seemed like perfect setup lines. Anyway, I remember watching the original show growing up, and these Q&A's gave me a good laugh and brought back some good memories.
My DVD Collection
AFI 100 Films to watch: 40 -> 5

Jeff Ulmer

Senior HTF Member
Aug 23, 1998
Anyone else hear Paul Lynde's voice in their head while reading the answers? Unforgettable. :)
Link Removed | Burt Lancaster is Link Removed | dOc

Craig Chatterton

Stunt Coordinator
Apr 18, 1999
Not exactly scripted, but the actors were given the questions beforehand (the contestants weren't though). That was so they'd have time to come up with those responses. Nowadays it's the same thing, but the actors have writers to help them come up with the witty response.
Is there any TV station that's showing the old Hollywood Squares? I'd love to catch some of these again. Maybe they should release a DVD - the Best of Hollywood Squares! Put it right next to the Best of Johnny Carson. :)
Virgo: All Virgo's are extremely friendly and intelligent, except for you. Expect a big surprise today, when you wind up with your head impaled upon a stick.

Jesse Skeen

Senior HTF Member
Apr 24, 1999
There was an album put out in 1974 called "Zingers From The Hollywood Squares". I have it on 8-track!


Who do we think I am?
Senior HTF Member
Dec 1, 1999
Gulf Coast
Real Name
Tony D.
i think i saw on the gane show net someone say that almost all of those shows were destroyed because they never thought they would be needed.
"who needs padding when you can have quality over quantity? more isn't always better." just my 2 cents on post count padders.-----

Users who are viewing this thread

Forum Sponsors

Forum statistics

Latest member
Recent bookmarks