Only in America!

Discussion in 'After Hours Lounge (Off Topic)' started by Brian Manon, Jun 20, 2003.

  1. Brian Manon

    Brian Manon Extra

    Joined:
    Jun 20, 2003
    Messages:
    23
    Likes Received:
    0
    1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.


    2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

    3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

    4. Only in America.... ..do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

    5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

    6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

    7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

    8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

    9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

    10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

    EVER WONDER......



    Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?


    Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?


    Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?


    Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?


    Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?



    Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?




    Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

    Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?


    Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

    Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

    When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

    Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

    Why do they ste rilize the needle for lethal injections?

    You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!

    Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

    Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

    If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

    If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

    In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.............

    On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. ( that's the only time I have to work on my hair).

    On a bag of Fritos:! .You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special)?

    On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how???....)

    On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion).

    On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh)!

    On Marks &Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought????...)

    On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron c lothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?)

    On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

    On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and...I'm taking this because???....)

    On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what?)

    On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

    On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash)

    On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)

    On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)
     
  2. Garrett Lundy

    Garrett Lundy Producer

    Joined:
    Mar 5, 2002
    Messages:
    3,764
    Likes Received:
    0
    [​IMG]

    I haven't laughed this much since I watched an interview with the chevy SSR (or something like that) roadster stylist.

    Stylist: It's a new concept, drives like a car, but has a pick-up bed for carrying things!

    Interviewer: Like the el camino?

    Sty: No, this isn't a new el camino

    Int: But the el camino was a car/pick-up

    Sty: But this is a high performance driving tool, that happens to have a cargo bed!

    Int: Come to think of it, Ford had a Ranchero and Dodge had a Renegade I think.....

    Sty: No, no, This is all new!

    Int: Still looks like an el camino to me.

    Sty: See this has a retractable top, el camino's don't have retractable tops.

    Int: So it's an el camino convertible?

    Sty: It's not a (explative) el camino, It's totally (explative) differant.

    At this point the interview ended. I think it was a bootleg from a detroit auto-show I downloaded from kazaa
     
  3. Max Leung

    Max Leung Producer

    Joined:
    Sep 6, 2000
    Messages:
    4,611
    Likes Received:
    0
    If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
     
  4. Hunter P

    Hunter P Screenwriter

    Joined:
    Sep 5, 2002
    Messages:
    1,483
    Likes Received:
    0


    This shows you how old this has being floating around the net. [​IMG]


    My favorite question:

    How do blind people know when they are done wiping?
    I'm still trying to figure this one out.
     
  5. Scott L

    Scott L Producer

    Joined:
    Feb 29, 2000
    Messages:
    4,457
    Likes Received:
    1
    They have a heightened sense of touch. I'll say no more...
     
  6. Max Leung

    Max Leung Producer

    Joined:
    Sep 6, 2000
    Messages:
    4,611
    Likes Received:
    0
    What about smell? [​IMG]
     
  7. Tim Hoover

    Tim Hoover Screenwriter

    Joined:
    May 27, 2001
    Messages:
    1,422
    Likes Received:
    0
    The train station is where the train stops. The bus station is where the bus stops. At my job, I have a workstation...
     
  8. ThomasC

    ThomasC Lead Actor

    Joined:
    Dec 15, 2001
    Messages:
    6,526
    Likes Received:
    0
    It's made in America...by the Japanese!
     
  9. BrettB

    BrettB Producer

    Joined:
    Feb 1, 2001
    Messages:
    3,019
    Likes Received:
    0
     
  10. Jeff Ulmer

    Jeff Ulmer Producer

    Joined:
    Aug 23, 1998
    Messages:
    5,584
    Likes Received:
    0
    Why do you call the department that handles everything outdoors the Department of the Interior?
     
  11. Daniel T.

    Daniel T. Agent

    Joined:
    Apr 29, 2003
    Messages:
    43
    Likes Received:
    0
    Cargo goes by ship, shipment by car. Ack!


    Military intelligence.....
    Jumbo shrimp.....

    The list goes on.
     
  12. David Preston

    David Preston Supporting Actor

    Joined:
    Mar 23, 2003
    Messages:
    698
    Likes Received:
    0
    I liked those. Some I heard some I haven't.
     
  13. Steve Alan

    Steve Alan Agent

    Joined:
    Oct 1, 2000
    Messages:
    42
    Likes Received:
    0
    Why do we get on an airplane, but into a car?

    Why do we say getting into bed, when clearly you are on the bed?

    If you put bookshelf speakers on a bookshelf, then where do you put your books?
     
  14. John Watson

    John Watson Screenwriter

    Joined:
    Jul 14, 2002
    Messages:
    1,937
    Likes Received:
    0
    Seems to me that first list arrived in my e-mail recently, 'cept it was "only in Canada" can, etc [​IMG]
     
  15. Kevin Farley

    Kevin Farley Second Unit

    Joined:
    Dec 14, 2000
    Messages:
    395
    Likes Received:
    0
    Garrett, what did you search for to get that interview? I gotta see that!

    great lists!
     
  16. Jeff Kleist

    Jeff Kleist Executive Producer

    Joined:
    Dec 4, 1999
    Messages:
    11,267
    Likes Received:
    0
     
  17. MarkHastings

    MarkHastings Executive Producer

    Joined:
    Jan 27, 2003
    Messages:
    12,013
    Likes Received:
    1
     
  18. Eric_E

    Eric_E Supporting Actor

    Joined:
    Aug 8, 2002
    Messages:
    512
    Likes Received:
    0
     
  19. Philip_T

    Philip_T Supporting Actor

    Joined:
    Jun 28, 2002
    Messages:
    876
    Likes Received:
    0
    Where does the "white" in the snow go when it melts?
     
  20. MarkHastings

    MarkHastings Executive Producer

    Joined:
    Jan 27, 2003
    Messages:
    12,013
    Likes Received:
    1
    Cheers moment:

    Frasier is talking to Woody about a friend of his who is a "Road Scholar"

    Woody: "A road scholar, eh? Ask him why the pavement they use to fill the holes in the road is darker than the rest of the road."

    [​IMG]
     

Share This Page