Need some advice.

Dan Whalen

Stunt Coordinator
Joined
Sep 15, 2001
Messages
104
I'm not sure if I should be posting this here, b/c it is a rather personal matter, but I need some advice. I feel better posting here b/c one of the other forums I post on (it's a car audio forum) is filled with a bunch of immature kids, and I want serious answers. If any mods feel this is not an appropriate thread, by all means close it, I just don't know where else to get some advice.
My wife and I have been together for about four and a half years. We just got married back in August. When we first started dating, she was very "sexual" (don't take that the wrong way, we were each other's first
). About 2 years ago she went in to get birth control. We found out that she had a cantaloupe sized tumor on her left ovary. She had surgery to remove it, and now she only has one ovary, b/c the tumor had basically engulfed the ovary. She was still pretty much the same way, sexually, after the surgery as before, maybe just a little less. But now it seems like she is never "in the mood." We talked about it tonight, and she said she is terrified to go to the doctor to find out if something is wrong. I told her that I would rather find out and get it taken car of, than to wait until it is too late. But she is still scared to go.
Now there is no way in hell I would ever cheat on my wife just to "releive" myself (that's what Rosey is for
). But it worries me that something might not be right b/c her sex drive is so low. We've been married for almost three months, and in that time have only had sex twice. I really want her to go to the doctor, but I don't want to upset her by nagging her about it. I've got a heart condition, and I need to go in for a checkup, and I'm hoping that if I do go in and get my checkup, that'll get her to go get checked out also. I just don't know what else to do. Does anyone have any advice or words of wisdom to help me out? And like I said before, if any mods feel that this thread is not appropriate, please close it. I dont' want to lose my membership here. This is a great forum, and I'm finally (slowly) learning about home theater. Thanks so much in advance for any help.
Dan
 

DonnyD

Screenwriter
Joined
Jun 12, 1999
Messages
1,145
Dan, her worse problem may very well be the stress involved in "finding out" any medical condition she may have. Stress will wreak havoc on an otherwise healthy relationship as you are probably finding out.
The only arguement that I could suggest is that the sooner she gets checked out, the better since any medical condition that may exist will certainly not cure itself and can only be made worse by the stress of worrying about it.
Typically men want sex to relieve minor stresses but women often react the opposite. Most will have sex with their heart. It appears that worry has displaced her desire for sex.
There is no cure you can give her, except let her know you support her regardless of any situation that may arise. There is no use in worrying about something that could be taken care of.........
------------------
"I am part of all that I have met, yet all experience is an arch wherethru gleams that untraveled world whose margin fades forever and forever...."
 

Eric Scott

Second Unit
Joined
Oct 4, 2000
Messages
313
I'm with Donny about this. I would also suggest a family/marriage counselor to bring the matter to bear, and to seek a better understanding between you.
 

Jeffrey Noel

Screenwriter
Joined
Sep 11, 2001
Messages
1,533
Off topic, but Dan, are you related to Phillip Whalen? I see that you're from Kansas, and I used to play soccer with him in Osawatomie. My younger brother J.C. Young used to be real good friends with Phillip also!
Just thought I'd ask.

BTW, my full name is Jeff Payne.
 

BryanZ

Screenwriter
Joined
Dec 18, 2000
Messages
1,214
I'd say go with her to the doctor. If there is something else wrong then it is best to find out sooner rather than later. Then again it may be something psychological with her, such as her being afraid that she won't be able to have children or that you will leave her because of that. Then again, it may be as simple as needing more hormones. Reassure her that you will always be there for her and tell her that you are concerned about her. If the problem is that she is upset that she won't be able to have kids, let her know adoption is always a perfectly acceptable solution. In any event, you need to find out what is truly bothering her without pressuring her to tell you. Always be there to support her and comfort her. At the same time, let her know of your concerns and feelings. Hope this helps and I wish two well.
 

EugeneR

Second Unit
Joined
Mar 9, 2000
Messages
263
Lie, cheat, steal, do what you have to but get her to a doctor. I bet dollars to donuts that it's the stress that's causing the problem. Once you get to the doctor and it turns out there is nothing wrong with her, I bet her libido will return.

If it is not stress, but a medical condition, the sooner you get her to the doctor the better. Look at it this way--if it turns out that it is something that is potentially serious but easily treatable if caught early, are you going to be able to live with yourself if she becomes seriously ill because you didn't force her to go?
 

Ted Lee

Senior HTF Member
Joined
May 8, 2001
Messages
8,390
i agree that a doctor is a wise decision. just to clarify, there is nothing medically "wrong" with her now, correct? this seems more to do with her mental state?
as an alternative, does she have any women friends she can confide in? as is so often the case, members of the opposite sex are more likely to talk about personal things like this with someone of the same sex.
in any case, it will definitely do you good to talk it out. keeping emotions, feelings and thoughts to yourself will only cause it to fester and become a negative thing. it sounds like you've tried to talk to her, but for your (and her's) sake, it's worth pushing just a little.
someone mentioned that she may think less of herself if she finds out that something is wrong. or she may think you'll consider her "damaged goods". reassure her that that is not the case and her health is the only important thing.
one other thought. she obviously had a procedure in the past. isn't there some sort of follow-up that the hospital is recommending. i thought with tumors they always want to do follow-ups?
so, some professional guidance, a friend and lots of late night talks are in order.
best wishes...
 

Holadem

Senior HTF Member
Joined
Nov 4, 2000
Messages
8,967
A lot of good advice has been offered but I have a feeling he has already done all the talking he could. I don't think MORE talking is gonna arrange anything. You need to bring a third party into this, i.e. a counselor. You need to do it before resentment starts creeping in.

Sex twice in 3 months and one partner doesn't seem to want to do anything about it (however legitimate her reason might be) does not bode well at all.

--

Holadem
 

BryanW

Agent
Joined
Jul 4, 2001
Messages
43
It could be a hormone inbalance from loosing the ovary.maybe hormone treatments could help she should see a ob-gyn for simple tests good luck.
 

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