Need Advice For A Friend (1 Viewer)

[JonS]

One of my friends recently told me this story about a girl. Here it is.

When he was 7 his best friend Jenny moved away. They were really good friends. They knew eachother their entire lives. He was really devastated by it. He is 18 now. He told me that not a day has gone by that he hasn't thought of her. He said that he loves her and their hasn't been a day since then that he hasn't missed her.

Now, here is the really interesting part.

He said that he knew that he would most likely never see her again for the rest of his life. He was pretty sure about her last name but not positive, he never was able to find out where they moved too and the last time he saw her was when they were little kids so there was no way of recognizing her even if she passed him on the street.

Well, he was on the internet and was searching for stuff for school and came across a website for a college that had some information on it that he wanted. He saw at the bottom of the page was school news and that the track star had just finished high in a national race. Well, it was her. It was the right first and last name and when he clicked on her bio all the information matched up. He was able to obtain her email address through the school.

Here is the question:

Does he email her or not. He thinks it would really kill him if in her reply she said she didn't remember him or really didn't care, because he has spent his life missing this girl and always thinking about her. And now, after all this time he has actually found her. He said that he knows they were only little kids but he knows that he really does love her because he would not spend all this time thinking and missing her if there wasn't something there.

What do you guys think he should do.

 

[Kevin T]

if he has pined for her this long and wished to be reunited, there is no reason he should turn back or not email her. of course, there is no guarantee she will feel the same as he does as for the past 11 years he has idolized her....creating the perfect woman out of the image of a childhood memory. i don't feel this is a very healthy type of attachment but if he contacts her and she shoots him down or she is dating somebody else, he will have the opportunity to be hurt, angered, and have closure. he will get over it though and move on with his life. if he never tries, he may still hold this unrealistic "fantasy" the rest of his life...measuring every relationship he has by his own contrived set of rules which can only lead to problems. of course, i could be over analyzing things.

kevin t

 

[Mike Hutman]

Could not have said it better Kevin.

 

[Tony_Faville]

If I were in his shoes it would "kill me" more not ever having tried and not knowing than it would to have tried and failed.

 

[Charles J P]

I think you should email her

 

[Brad_V]

He knew her up until he was seven years old, and now he's 18 and says he loves her? Man. He doesn't know anything about her. They were seven! He's in love with the possibility of her, not her herself.

The girl is basically just a fantasy for him, and keeping her a fantasy by not contacting her keeps her perfect in his eyes. Maybe she does drugs and treats her mother bad and puts little cats in the microwave, who knows. But his not finding out keeps things "safe" for him.

Of course he should email her. If he doesn't, he'll just spend the rest of his life wondering what might have been. And if she doesn't remember him or doesn't care, well, you rolls the dice and you takes your chances. There's no other way to do it except to forever beat himself up for not having the courage to send an email.

And if she doesn't care or she turns out to be a b... er, a witch, then hopefully that will kick him back into reality where he can then meet new women that he hasn't placed on some sort of pedestal before he has even talked to them as an adult.

btw, tell him to keep the email on the shorter side. Let her become interested in the mystery a little bit. No five-page emails or anything.

 

[Scott L]

Tell him to email her and watch him be torn to pieces when he finds out that she loves you and has been searching for you all along. But seriously I think he should email her but keep it very short as Brad mentioned.

As an aside I was kinda in the same situation for a while. This girl I knew had a crush on me when we were younger. I wasn't really interested in girls, more of the shy type at that age. Well she moved away and I start to think about her, a lot. I look around at all the other girls I know and she was different, I start missing her more & more.

Then later I find out she is engaged to be married with some guy at her college. Didn't make me feel very good.

Proceed with caution indeed.

 

[Ryan Wright]

and puts little cats in the microwave

Hey, sounds like my kind of girl!!
Just kidding!!!

 

[Rain]

I've always found that love is something of an irrational emotion that defies "rules" and dissection.

So, if he feels this way, he should contact her. I wouldn't suggest that he email her telling him he loves her right off the bat though.

Even if he is rejected, at least he can start to move on.

Bottom line: It's worth a shot. I took a shot once on a love thing once. Didn't work out, but I think I feel better knowing that I tried than I would have knowing that I never did.

 

[Oliver Kopp]

I will tell you a little story about me. English is not my first language so excuse my grammar and spelling mistakes
I was in love with a girl for about 11 years. I fell for her the first time I saw her. That was at the first day in, as its called here in Germany, Realschule. It`s similar to your High School system. Luckily we got in the same class. But all the years I never had the courage to tell her about my feelings and we never had much to do with each other.
During a schooltrip to Prague after the final exams of the last year in school she asked me if I wanted to go for a walk with her. I said no. I try to explain why. At that time she was together with the guy who had made the past 6 years of my life in school to hell. He used every chance he had to play pranks on me or to humiliate me. I wasn`t sure if she was really interested in me or just send by him because he had the sick idea of a big final joke on my costs. So I turned her down.
The next 5 years I had dreams about her. I always saw her in the distance but could never reach or talk to her. And I was always thinking about her and what would have happenend if I would have just said „yes, lets go“ when she asked me.
One day I finally had the guts to call her. I told her that I had to talk to her and asked if she would like to meet me. She agreed and a few days later we met in a little bar. She was as beautifull as I remembered her. Of course I didn`t throw an „I have always loved you“ in her face. I just asked her about the school trip and what was behind it. She was very surprised to say the least and said she couldn`t remember. All the years I was fixed on her and this single moment and what would have happened if I had agreed to go with her and she couldn`t even remember. And I knew she didn`t lie and just try to deny the whole thing.
I decided to not dig any deeper and for the next 30 minutes we just talked about what we had been doing since school. She told me she had a boyfriend and was on her way to become a teacher. During the conversation I realized that I had been living in the past for the last 5 years instead of moving on.
On my way home I decided to let it go and try to forget about it. I had no place in her life and I didn`t want to force myself into it. The dreams stopped and I felt good about my decision. That was 1 ½ years ago. I bumped into her 2 or 3 times since then but I don`t feel the same for her as before that conversation. I still think of her sometimes. But she is a part of my past and I can`t change that or any of the things that happened to me.
My advice to your friend is to contact her. Ask her if she remembers him and what is going on in her life. If she remembers him and shows interest, fine. If not, he should move on and get over it. There are a lot of other nice girls out there. Don´t live in the past. Don`t grief for things that could have been. Live your life every day. Learn from the past and look forward.
OK, I am starting to get a little sentimental so I better stop I wish your friend that all works out for him.

 

[JasenP]

Even if he is rejected, at least he can start to move on.

The man knows what he's talking about. My Father may have put it another way: "Sh** or get off the pot", getting this behind him with either favorable results or not-so-favorable will allow your friend to get over that hump and move on.
BTW: Rain, if you start a "Dear Rain" help site I will gladly pay to host it.

 

[Samuel Des]

I feel for the fellow, but I vote that he does not email. Be forward looking. Pinning your hopes on a memory isn't the best strategy, and would most likely lead to heartbreak or worse.

 

[Peter Apruzzese]

I've always found that love is something of an irrational emotion that defies "rules" and dissection.

This could be the most insightful thing I've ever read on the forum.

 

[Paul_D]

I say do it. If you don't, as others have said, you won't be get closure. Also, be sure to make the email very light and unplanned. i.e. say something like, "Hi, can't believe I noticed you at this website. It made me wonder if you remember me? What's you life been like?" Something like that. Casual, friendly, and simple.

 

[Mary M S]

Only one woman’s advice:

Don’t scare her, don’t move too fast, don’t come across as a stalker, the media stories on this are very frightening to woman.

On the other hand, most women (especially in their youth) have a lot of fantasy - sentimental thoughts, connected with how they will meet their soul mate.

If this is meant to be, if you can get past her initial checkout, (is this guy a weirdo?) being female, and getting her past that, - she could be very receptive to the romance, “every girls dream” of having had that kind of effect/impact on a man.

I don’t know your friend, yes, he sounds well on his to establishing this girl, as “just a (perfect eternal) fantasy”,

For me, Mr. Kopps eloquent reply was the closest to what I would choose to do. He checked it out and then moved on in a mentally healthy manner. That said, there have been instances in the real world, where the outcome was - and they went on to celebrate a 50th anniversary. Whether or not the stats. are for it, there is usually at least that 1% possibility, and possibly that percent will be you. My own marriage would probably be classed in the small percentile for success stat. (An’t I lucky!)

I believe that there is zone in which strange and wondrous things exist, I class it in the same zone of when something told me to , ..ck my child NOW, and I quite possibly saved his life…or when I was 16 and the feeling, …call your best friend NOW, and something completely unexpected and terrible had just happened in her family….

Are woman more ‘tuned in’ to these possibilities than men, I don’t know, - you guys tell me

But I believe utterly that: ‘real life is stranger than fiction’

My best collection of my life’s experiences, are when I pushed my scardy cat self, out of the safe, rational, what is commonly DONE comfortable zone, and just reached for it.

Do I want to jump out of this plane (on the ground) YES I do. I have lost my FRIGGING MIND (4ooo ft) If I don’t jump now I’m a wimp (10,000 ft) Take me up again! (lived thru it).

Keep on jumping guys, one day, you’ll jump into her lap.

 

[Rain]

I feel for the fellow, but I vote that he does not email. Be forward looking. Pinning your hopes on a memory isn't the best strategy, and would most likely lead to heartbreak or worse.

On the other hand, maybe she feels exactly the same way, which he will never find out if he doesn't try.

Given the choice between acting on something or sitting idly by and doing nothing, I would always opt for taking a chance.

 

[Samuel Des]

Oh, I agree on taking a chance. But as I say, I think that one should be forward looking. Memory can be illusive. Romance isn't only in the past. There may be something equally compelling around that corner.

EDIT - At any rate, I wish your friend the best of luck. I hope I didn't sound too overbearing.

 

[Dave Poehlman]

It's obviously some sort of fate that he came across her name like that. He'll be kicking himself if he doesn't act on it.

 

[Brad_V]

Oliver, if that's the best you can do with English not being your first language, that's pretty good! Most people who grew up learning English can't even spell "grammar" correctly like you did!
Mary has a good point with the whole "women dream of meeting their soulmate in a fantasy sort of way." I can't believe I didn't mention that myself, darn it.
Women love that sorta stuff. Too many Disney movies, I think. Most of them think love is some pre-destined thing put together by magic and the stars when in reality it's the man behind the scenes putting all those special nights together. Having her favorite song come on just as the fireplace is getting warmed up or whatever... women like to think that's all fate when it's really us planning it ahead of time to make things perfect for them. Men are the real romantics in life, not women, because we make it happen instead of just sitting on the sidelines waiting for it.
I don't think most women really believe deep down that it's a fate or destiny thing, but they hope and wish it was true. I can't say I blame them for hoping and wishing for it, of course. The world would be a much better place if things actually worked that way.
So, if your friend can write her and talk to her in a way with some ideas of destiny and soulmates and all that, she might be more receptable. So, in that sense, his telling her he's "had a thing" for her (don't use those words, gotta dress it up better), would be a good thing. Saying, "Oh... since the moment I was seven, I knew you were the one for me," does sound a little much, though.
Make sure he does NOT just try to be friends with her. He doesn't want her as a friend, he wants her as something more. Friends-into-more rarely ever happens. If he wants more from her than to just be her friend, he should let those intentions be clear (in a subtle, flirtatious way at the least) after a short time. Pretending you only want to be a woman's friend (lying to her, basically) when you really want more from her doesn't work very often.

 

[Glenn Overholt]

"I'm for using a go-between. Have you email her and tell her that your friend saw her photo, - - and just go on from there and give her his email address. That way she can decide.

Glenn