Married or committed men, how do you keep your mind from wandering? (1 Viewer)

[Dean DeMass]

IMHO, there is nothing wrong with checking out other women. My wife knows I do it, but it doesn't bother her. Why? Because she knows I am a perv, and that she is the only one for me.
I like looking at women because they are beautiful creatures, and some are just too damn hot not to look at. Now, I don't condone cheating in a marriage, it is just plain wrong. We know a few people that are swingers and that is fine, because both people in the relationship condone it, but that is not for us. Just the thought makes us angry and jealous. If you love your wife like you say you do, I don't think you have a problem. A little bit of fantasy never hurt anyone. But you have to keep it at just that, "a fantasy". Instead of picking up a couple of new DVDs this week, why not buy your wife a small gift and some roses, and surprise her by cooking a nice meal. It is amazing what little things like that do to make your spouse feel loved.
To end this post on a comical note...... if worst comes to worst, just go "pound one out".

Disclaimer: That last comment was not made to offend anyone, just trying to put a smile on some faces.
-Dean-
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My HT Equipment
"I've seen you and you are not cool."

 

[JonZ]

Looking is just that and everyone does it. Its natural to want to look at something attractive or beautiful. But you cant "cheat" and that goes for the various terms that were used above. Its true depriving your wife(or husband) or love, passion, consideration etc as result of your wandering mind is as bad as sleeping with someone else(actually not really, but its still wrong).
A fantasy is just that.She may look great and all but, she has the same baggage and hangups as every other woman and as soon as the euphoria of sex with that supersexy woman youve been drooling over for the past 2 months wears off, youll realize shes as much of a pain as your wife or girlfriend-only you dont have a shared history with her.One of my exs once said to me "What can I do to spark things up a bit?" I said "Wear a Wonder Woman costume"(This was when she was going through her Your not interested in me anymore phase). I was joking

Like anything else in life sometimes you just have a slump, but you go through it and it gets better.
For me its simple, I am a man of my word, I dont break my promises, I dont cheat. I've never even cheated on girlfriends I had in the past that I wasnt in love with!!I like to look at a nice pair more than anything, but I would never betray the trust of someone I care about. If you cheat on them, you dont respect them.
Thats my opinion at least.
I may meet a woman I think is attractive, but havent had to deal with a infatuation while seeing someone else since I was in High School-but I was young and stupid then and (of course) made the wrong decisions.
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what the dawn of the new millennium shall bring forth-
one thousand more years of the same old crap" Jose Chung

 

[Mike Broadman]

Ryan, and other folks, I'm not going to say you guys are wrong at all. I'm not married, so I can't talk about marriages.
However, what you describe sounds very frightening. You can't go out, you can't be friends with another woman, working late with a female coworker and fixing dishwashers cause suspicion, etc.
Maybe I'm too proud or independant, but I can't imagine doing that. I'm at the age where I'm trying to decide if I want to do the marriage thing eventually, and things like this are not exactly pushing me in that direction.
I guess some people are cut out for marriage, and some just ain't. That doesn't make anyone a worse or better person, as long as we are honest with ourselves and our partners. For example, my girlfriend just ended our relationship because, although she claimed to still love me, she didn't see it going any "further," ie marriage. Not a happy ending, but an honest one.
Even if I were to get married, I couldn't imagine doing it with someone I didn't trust completely, and who didn't trust me completely. Anyone who really knew me and appreciated me knew that, if I made the vows, I could have hordes of gorgeous naked super-models throwing themselves at me and easily refuse them.
For some, the decision to make the vows is the hard part. For others, it is the decision to keep them that is.

 

[Ryan Wright]

However, what you describe sounds very frightening. You can't go out, you can't be friends with another woman, working late with a female coworker and fixing dishwashers cause suspicion, etc.
Maybe I'm too proud or independant, but I can't imagine doing that. I'm at the age where I'm trying to decide if I want to do the marriage thing eventually, and things like this are not exactly pushing me in that direction.

Mike: It's not so much a matter of causing suspicion - although that IS an issue - but more a matter of being concerned with your spouse's feelings. I still go out with my buddies, but I've found that I hang out with my married friends much more than my single friends. Why? The single guys are at clubs, getting drunk and picking up women. For one, I'm not into that, but even more important, I don't want my wife sitting at home worrying about me. Don't get me wrong - she trusts me completely and I've never given her any reason not to. If I wanted to go out to a club with my single friends, she wouldn't complain about it. However, I know she wouldn't exactly appreciate it - just like I wouldn't appreciate it if she were doing the same.
Going to a club or bar with my married friends is a different story. We can hang out, have a few drinks, shoot some pool, and our wives know we aren't picking up women (and even if one of us were, the others would keep him in check). This doesn't mean I don't spend time with my single friends, I just don't frequent certain establishments with them.
If my wife went out clubbing with her single friends two, three times a week, it would bother me. Big time. What reason would she have to go clubbing with a bunch of single girls on a regular basis, where the main attraction is drinking, dancing, and picking up men? Am I supposed to believe that she just sits there and hangs out by herself while her friends are on the dance floor? I've been clubbing with my single friends since my marriage and it's not much fun. They're dancing with attractive women and I'm sitting around in a sea of eye candy, trying to explain to a slim, tan, 20 year old beauty with clothes so tight and revealing she might as well be completely naked why I can't dance with her.
I know what goes on in a situation like this and so does my wife. Putting yourself in this situation on a regular basis is bad for a marriage.
The "fixing the dishwasher" scenerio is more sensitive due to the fact that the woman in question and I have been friends since before we met our spouses. And it's not so much that anyone thinks we'll get naked and hop in bed, it's more of an emotional thing. We have a lot in common and I could sit and chat with her for hours, which would cause my wife to be jealous and cause her to question my motives. ("He seems closer to her than me...") Also, if I'm helping her out all the time, my wife may think, "You know, she has a husband of her own. Why can't HE be there for her? Why does she have to take MY husband's time?"
It's the little things that make a marriage successful, because the little things add up to the big picture.
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-Ryan (http://www.ryanwright.com )
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you do criticize them, you'll be a mile away and you'll have their shoes.

 

[BryanZ]

I have to agree with most everyone here. Flirting with a member of the opposite (or same in today's society) sex can lead to trouble. Open marraiges can have the same result. For you are sleeping with someone who has slept with at least one other person, etc. The danger for diseases and such adds up very quickly.
You also do not want to put yourself in a situation to where it can look as if you did something or had the oppertunity. The consequences just aren't worth it. Stay away from those potential situations at all costs.
If ever you find your affections going elsewhere do something special for your wife. Revive the romance. Go out together on a mini vacation or second honeymoon without the kids. Get to know each other all over again. Be completely transparent with each other about everything. The thought of knowing there could be someone else can be more damaging than there actually being someone else.
Perhaps the best advice I can give is to involve her in everything you do. Go out with other married friends. I may be single but I go out with married friends and never with the wife alone. I figure it is always best to avoid the situation all together. There is no more you or me, just us.

 

[Bhagi Katbamna]

Controlling your mind and thoughts is possible(very hard though). A simple way not to get into trouble is not to be alone (in private) with any woman other than your wife. Viewing all other women as a mother or sister helps.

 

[Holadem]

You guys have reinforced my convinction in NOT EVER getting married.
I have quite a few female friends. Some of them are old flames, old relationships and they are some of my closest friends today. We have known each other since high school (I am 23), been through a lot together. If, because I am married, I cannot buy gifts to them when I feel like it, then it is not worth it. These are people that are an important part of my life, that provided me with a lot of support when I needed it. I am supposed to not be able to hang out with them, not get them gifts out of the blue because I am married????!!!!
Well, whoever it is I end up getting married to, she will have to understand this from the get go. I will not keep her from her friends, she will not keep me from mine. As much as I love her and she metters to me, these were people I knew WAAYYY before a met her, people who have shaped me into the man I am today. I am not about to suddenly give up an my other friends because of her. There is such a thing as trust. If it ain't there, then there is no point. Before you ask, I would have absolutly no problem at all if my wife bought a gift to a male friend of her's. It is called respect. Respect of the life and the friends she had before she met me. ANd I expect the same.
Perhaps I got the whole marriage thing wrong... I do not wish to BELONG to anyone, and from this thread, this is what it sure are heck sounds like.
Last, the gentleman who started this thread is on dagerous grounds. You need to back off now if you intend to keep your marriage. It seems youare in a denial about what you want (treat her like a sister? haaaaahahahahahahah!!!!)
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Holadem

 

[Bhagi Katbamna]

These are people that are an important part of my life, that provided me with a lot of support when I needed it. I am supposed to not be able to hang out with them, not get them gifts out of the blue because I am married????!!!!

As long as you include your wife when you hang out, I don't think this would be a problem with a reasonable person.

 

[Tommy G]

Ryan, I'm with you. I would like to add that it is a matter of respect. I would never dream of buying gifts for any other woman except my sister, mother and in-laws. I also am able to keep my mind from wandering by the realization that I married the best looking woman in the world (besides Grace Kelly of course)

Don't get me wrong, I keep in contact with one of my ex-girlfriends but that is only because she married my wife's cousin. I would say hi in passing on the street but would leave it at that.

 

[Ryan Wright]

quote: I have quite a few female friends. Some of them are old flames, old relationships and they are some of my closest friends today. We have known each other since high school (I am 23), been through a lot together. If, because I am married, I cannot buy gifts to them when I feel like it, then it is not worth it. These are people that are an important part of my life, that provided me with a lot of support when I needed it. I am supposed to not be able to hang out with them, not get them gifts out of the blue because I am married????!!!![/quote]
You're not ready for marriage, and you may never be. That's all there is to it. There's nothing wrong with that - my uncle just turned 50 and he's never been married, either. He doesn't want the commitment. I'm guessing you will have a hard time keeping any relationship with a woman; quite frankly, if you're spending time alone with other women or buying them gifts, it's going to cause jealousy and resentment for the person you're dating. This is just a fact of life.
The only way around this is to find someone who really doesn't care, and I don't see how anyone can have a meaningful relationship with that type of person.
Again, there's nothing wrong with the way you feel. You may be content to live your life without a lifelong mate and that's fine. It's your life to live, and as long as you enjoy it and don't hurt others in the process, that's all that matters.
EDIT: I'd also like to add that, as you grow older, your female friends are going to start drifting away. Once they find compatible mates of their own and get married, they're not going to be so quick to have lunch with you, hang out, or accept your gifts. Most husbands would be bothered - and rightly so - by an ex boyfriend giving their wife a present, or taking her to dinner. Most wives would be bothered by it as well. As long as everyone is single, however, it's not going to be an issue...
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-Ryan ( http://www.ryanwright.com )
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you do criticize them, you'll be a mile away and you'll have their shoes.
[Edited last by Ryan Wright on October 30, 2001 at 04:36 PM]

 

[Holadem]

Ryan,
quote: The only way around this is to find someone who really doesn't care, and I don't see how anyone can have a meaningful relationship with that type of person.[/quote]
I will strongly disagree with this statement. It is possible to have a meaningful relationship with someone who will not stop trusting you over insignificant stuff. As long as it is mutual, that will work. I will acknowledge that a woman like that would be very hard to find - Of all my friends I can only think of one person who would fit this profile.
Beside that, I will agree with most of what you said especially the edit (will come to that later), which is a cold hard look at reality: Though I don't think they should (I wouldn't), most women would disaprove of me buying gifts to my friends. As you said, that is just how it. I guess I will get married the day I am willing to put up with that.
quote: EDIT: I'd also like to add that, as you grow older, your female friends are going to start drifting away. Once they find compatible mates of their own and get married, they're not going to be so quick to have lunch with you, hang out, or accept your gifts.[/quote]
I agree 100%, because I have started experiencing that already . A few weeks ago this friend of mine turned down an invitation to diner because her boyfriend say she would have to stay out too late (bogus, she has been out much later before). I know she would not have minded, yet she declined at the last minute because she saw he wouldn't like it... and I have KNOWN HER BEFORE THEY MET. It sucks that things should be like that. I wouldn't keep my girlfriend from going out with one of her friends. Perhaps I haven't been burnt yet. Oh well...
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Holadem
[Edited last by Holadem on October 30, 2001 at 05:06 PM]

 

[Scott Strang]

You guys have reinforced my convinction in NOT EVER getting married..

Never say never.

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"What did Mr Spock see when he looked in the toilet? The Captain's Log."
Stolen from a BBS in 1985

 

[Travis Calloway]

First off,
Let me thank all of you for chipping in, especially Ryan. But the more I read, the more I believe you guys are giving text book answers. I've read loads of relationship book over the decades and know what one should and shouldn't do, but it's easy to give those perfect solutions to someone than to be in that problem situation. I'm not saying some of you are not willing to commit exactly to the way you said it (I do believe you Ryan), but either the home theater forum have all the best sensitvive perfect men the world can offer(I doubt it), your wife/girlfriend is monitoring you, or you're just saying what you think is the right/textbook answer. Read back all the posts and you'll see that the nonmarried guys seem more honest and real life to me. They seem to be less restrained in their answers.
Let me just say that I no longer have the problem. I guess morality got a better hold of me.
You singles out there, in real life, I have encounter also non of the perfect married me that you hear on this site. Though there are many that aware all the best way to make a marriage work from what they've heard or read, it's very hard to achieve that ultimate goal. Maybe someone like Ryan and others here have enough success to write a book, but don't let all those things scare you away from marriage. It all depends on who you marry. Some are so insecure that you can't even call your guy friends and other are so secure to the point that you can go to a movie with a girl. Then there are spouses that are complete bitch and the only reason you staying with her is for the children. It all depends, and no marriage will work out perfectly just because you followed textbook advices.
In my marriage because I've read so many books on relationship, I try to follow it but my spouse didn't read the same books, she didn't grow up with the same family members or the same environment I grew up in. And when we had problems, there wasn't an answer in any textbook. The responses I got here helped because everyone slapped me in the face, their answers are indeed useful to keep in mind but are not easy to carry out when you're the one with the problem. In fact, I find it too stressful to read too much into things or do too much research on how to be successful. When you do those things, you might expect too much out of your spouse. You're reading books about how to be the perfect husband and what is a perfect wife. Then what happens when your wife don't live up to the expectation you have.
For those who have given me tips on how to have a better marriage, please don't take my response in a wrong way. I do appreciate all the help and it has indeed helped me work out some things in my mind. This is like a therapy session where just talking helps.
[Edited last by Travis Calloway on October 31, 2001 at 11:54 AM]

 

[Ryan Wright]

Quote:

None of us claim to be sensitive, perfect men. This entire discussion only encompasses a single issue: The issue of cheating on your spouse. Plain and simple, the vast majority of couples do not cheat on one another. We are not giving textbook answers here, we're giving answers right from our hearts. We're telling you what the right thing to do is, and I'd be willing to bet the vast majority of us practice what we preach in this area.
Nobody has a perfect marriage; we all have issues and always will. If this were a thread about how a husband and wife cope with small children, you would expose a problem with my marriage. A thread about another issue might expose a problem with someone else's marriage. However, most people don't let these problems turn into cheating.
I will admit that my marriage hasn't always been good in the cheating area. There was a time early on in our marriage where I slept in my RV for a week, and for a period of a few months I would have cheated on my wife had the opportunity presented itself. That was years ago, and luckily we were able to resolve our issues before either of us broke the covenants of our marriage. I came through that situation with new insight into how couples get along. Insight that I follow on a daily basis. Insight that I have already passed onto you.
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-Ryan (http://www.ryanwright.com )
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you do criticize them, you'll be a mile away and you'll have their shoes.

 

[Max Knight]

I'd like to weigh in here with some opinions from a man about to be married for the first time (me!).
I think the most important thing to recognize here is what marriage is, and what cheating is.
In my book marriage is one of the most important bonds that two people can make.
Cheating is an interaction between one of the members of the marriage and another individual which results in a straining or weakening of the marriage bond.
This means that cheating is something that can vary from one marriage to another. For example, a couple who is active in the "swinging" lifestyle may not find that sex outside the marriage is cheating (they don't mind it, so it doesn't strain their bond). On another extreme, a couple may find that even *thinking* intimately (i.e. sexually, emotionally, etc.) about people outside the marriage causes jealousy and anger and thus is cheating.
So cheating is whatever feels like cheating, to EITHER of the people involved in the marriage. If the Husband says "going out for a nice dinner alone with an old girlfriend is fine, I just want to catch up with her" and the Wife says "I hate it when my husband is alone with other women", then that dinner would be cheating. If the Husband complains that this isn't right and he should be able to go on the dinner that's too bad. If he wants to be married to this particular woman, he is going to have to live on the common ground.
What I'm trying to say here is that there really are no rules. There are guidelines that work for the general population. If you are going to marry someone, you have to know what your common ground is. If you don't know this, you probably are not ready to marry.
For those single guys out there who want to be able to give gifts to whomever they want, and hang out with whomever they want, don't get married until you find a person who is ok with this. Or maybe you will find a person who is so wonderful that you say "hey, I can give up these things, it's worth it."
The only "cheating" guideline that I think can be applied to pretty much everyone is this: if you feel guilty about something, then it's wrong.
You can't always go by the rule "if it was him/her instead of me, would I be mad?". Maybe your significant other has a very different value system than you do. I think that you could cheat yourself out of a marriage even if your partner was totally fine with your actions. Let's say that Bob and Jane get married. Jane thinks that extra-marital sex is totally fine. She doesn't indulge herself, but one day Bob comes home and says "I just met a beautiful girl, and she's really into me, I think that if the situation were right I might be tempted to sleep with her." Jane says "go ahead, have fun." She never thinks about it again. Bob sleeps with this woman, and even though his wife couldn't care less, he still feels that he did something wrong. This eats away at him, and eventually his behavior changes so much (who knows in what way) that Jane can't stand to be around him any longer. They split up. I believe that Bob has cheated just was badly as if he slept around behind Jane's back. He did something that was not comfortable for BOTH partners in the marriage, and this resulted in an alienation of affection. I know it sounds weird, but even though Jane was ok with the situation deep down Bob wasn't and is still guilty of breaking up his own marriage.
Ok, I've rambled enough for now. Stay well everyone.
-Max

 

[Elizabeth S]

To each marrriage, whatever works, but some comments here makes marriage sound like a prison. Yes, you may have a union, but you are still 2 separate INDIVIDUALS. Each should be able to pursue his/her own interests without being put under the microscope about his/her actions.
As for buying another woman a gift, I see nothing wrong with it. I think the only reason for the guilt is because of the feelings you have for her -- if you gave a gift to some woman you were totally uninterested in as a gesture of kindness, you wouldn't think twice.

 

[Holadem]

Elisabeth, would you marry me?

--
Holadem

 

[Travis Calloway]

Holadem,
I know how you feel. Most posts are by men and when a woman comes on, we're all like deprived dogs

.
Elizabeth,
You nailed it with the gift/guilt comment. When I told my wife about the gifts for the girl and the son, she said, "Now, you wouldn't be telling me this unless you feel some guilt in it." She didn't make anything out of it because it was all like family members as I said before. Under the circumstance that her son was sick, she see no issue with it.
Actually, you guys made me feel guilty about the gifts, but in fact, my guilt is not the gifts but with what was in my head. The fantasy.

 

[Elizabeth S]

Holadem,
It's kind of funny -- sometimes because these types of forums are male-oriented, I feel a bit out of place. But my avid interests just happen to be a/v equipment, rock music, college basketball, etc.
I don't venture into the After Hours Lounge often, but this thread was very interesting.

 

[Chris Beveridge]

Ryan,

Everyone has feelings, and if someone really loves you, they will care if you buy gifts for, have lunch with, or spend any one-on-one with members of the opposite sex.

Man, this so doesn't fit my relationship with my wife of the past 3 years.
Case in point: We have regular website gatherings in the Boston area from people on the chat and forums. There's one woman in particular I really lust after and really want. (see? I can say it!).
My wife knows this. Hell, I've told her. She jokes with me about it. She wishes me luck in my endeavour even.
This particular womans birthday was a month or so ago. Her live-in boyfriend got her a DVD for her birthday. I ended up getting her a 75$ pewter item. My wife approved of the purchase, because her having met this woman, knew she'd really like it. And it might help my chances!
I have a wonderful loving relationship with my wife. We have a beautiful happy 19 month old daughter. I cannot conceive living my life without her for the rest of my life. She feels exactly the same way. She's completely happy with me, and as she's said to me and others on many occasions, she knows she's got a good thing as I take great care of her and love her completely.
But then again, maybe the two of us just aren't normal. We met online where I was a host in a cafe and literally had a harem of women I used to fool around with online and offline, and she knew them and became great friends with many of them before becoming truly involved with me. She's become friends with just about every woman I try to seduce. It's an interesting and fun relationship, and one neither of us will trade.
Just throwing something different out there from all the other answers I've seen. I'm not sure I could live the way some people seem to indicate their marriages are, and I'm just as sure they can't imagine living as mine is. Different strokes is all
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Chris Beveridge
Webmaster, www.animeondvd.com
Animation and stories for those who like to think outside of the Disney box