Letters From Santa

Discussion in 'Archived Threads 2001-2004' started by Julie K, Dec 10, 2001.

  1. Julie K

    Julie K Screenwriter

    Joined:
    Dec 1, 2000
    Messages:
    1,962
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    0
    If Santa answered his own mail...

    Dear Santa

    I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer

    yer Frend,

    BiLLy

    Dear Billy,

    Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I send you a fucking book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell!

    Santa

    ********

    Dear Santa,

    I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!

    Love,

    Sarah

    Dear Sarah,

    Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?

    Santa

    **********

    Dear Santa,

    I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do?

    Love

    Teddy

    Dear Teddy,

    Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me get you some nice Legos instead.

    Santa

    ****************

    Dear Santa,

    I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.

    Love,

    Susan

    Dear Susan,

    Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of scotch.

    Santa

    *******

    Dear Santa,

    What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys?

    Your friend,

    Thomas

    Dear Thomas,

    All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know.

    Santa

    *************

    Dear Santa,

    Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song?

    Love,

    Jessica

    Dear Jessica,

    Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house.

    Santa

    ****************

    Dear Santa,

    I really really want a puppy this year. Please, please, please, PLEASE, PLEASE could I have one?

    Timmy

    Dear Timmy,

    That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again.

    Santa

    ****************

    Dearest Santa,

    We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?

    Love,

    Marky

    Dear Mark,

    First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your ass whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like the boogeyman does, through your bedroom window.

    Sweet Dreams,

    Santa
     
  2. TimDoss

    TimDoss Second Unit

    Joined:
    Jun 10, 1999
    Messages:
    298
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    0
    That's not santa, that's my dad.
     
  3. Jeffrey Noel

    Jeffrey Noel Screenwriter

    Joined:
    Sep 11, 2001
    Messages:
    1,533
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    0
    [​IMG] [​IMG] [​IMG] [​IMG] [​IMG] [​IMG]
     
  4. Jon_B

    Jon_B Screenwriter

    Joined:
    Nov 27, 2000
    Messages:
    1,025
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    0
    [​IMG][​IMG] :b [​IMG]
     
  5. Kirsten

    Kirsten Stunt Coordinator

    Joined:
    Oct 5, 2001
    Messages:
    93
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    0
    I don't think I want Santa to visit my house this year. [​IMG]
     
  6. Kirsten

    Kirsten Stunt Coordinator

    Joined:
    Oct 5, 2001
    Messages:
    93
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    0
    I don't think I want Santa to visit my house this year. [​IMG]
    oops...someone double posted, and I think its me!
     
  7. Steve Christou

    Steve Christou Long Member

    Joined:
    Apr 25, 2000
    Messages:
    15,814
    Likes Received:
    415
    Trophy Points:
    9,110
    Location:
    Manchester, England
    Real Name:
    Steve Christou
    [​IMG] [​IMG] Nice one Julie.
    Dear Sandra,
    No you can't have George Clooney this Xmas, you're stuck with Steve, sorry.
    Santa.
    Dear Sandra,
    No not Brad Pitt either.
    Santa.
    Dear Steve,
    Quite a list you have there, all porn actresses I presume, forget it!.
    Santa.
     
  8. Brad_W

    Brad_W Screenwriter

    Joined:
    Sep 18, 2001
    Messages:
    1,358
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    0
    I asked Santa for Robo-Whore this year and my wife doesn't mind. I convinced her that I wouldn't pester her any more once I got Robo-Whore and she seemed very happy with that idea. Of course, I am curious as to why she just asked for a plate for christmas, but hey... at least we'll both be happy.
     
  9. SteveGon

    SteveGon Executive Producer

    Joined:
    Dec 11, 2000
    Messages:
    12,251
    Likes Received:
    1
    Trophy Points:
    0
    Dear Santa,

    Could I please have Emmanuelle Beart for Christmas?

    Sincerely,

    SteveGon

    Dear Steve,

    No, but I will recommend a nice counselor for you. I mean, get over her! Seriously, you'd be lucky if Ms. Beart glanced briefly in your general direction. I suggest that you ditch the obsession and go out with that annoying fat chick that's been after you. You know, the one with the hairy back. Good luck!

    Sorry,

    Santa
     

Share This Page